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User Topic: adultery around the world...consequences
Deeply Scared
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Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotMyLifeBck2013...

I've re-read my reply to you several times and I just don't see where I attacked or flamed you.

All I did was state facts about my marriage.

I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198786 | Registered: May 2002
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see where you're coming from GotMyLifeBck2013, with the eating a shit sandwich comment. It does suck to be a BS in R and try to rebuild your M after your WS has destroyed it. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

But I don't think DS or Aubrie were attacking you. They just have different opinions. They are coming from a different perspective.

I'm also 2 years out. I still struggle. I do think our M has changed completely, not necessarily for the better, but also not for the worse. It's just different. More honesty, but less trust.

As for the original subject, I don't think violence or public humiliation is okay (as much as I have fantasized about it ). But I do think there should be civil penalties. I think that a BS should be able to sue the AP. Yes, that would create a ton of drama with suits and countersuits, but I do think there should be a way for a BS to have their day in court.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1191 | Registered: Jul 2012
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not agree with violence, although I admit having repeated fantasies about getting back at OW somehow....probably some type of humiliation, don't know about publicly, but her dearest friends who probably think she is just the poster child of a mother and wife.

I think financial restitution, esp. for those who end up divorced due to infidelity, is justice.

As for the sh*t sandwich, I've eaten a HUGE one...but my WH has eaten one, too, not as big, but his choices cost him so much ..his friends, his job, his passion, my trust, and respect of his children.

No one wins here, no one.


Posts: 7628 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am all for public shaming of unremorseful APs, & also agree that there should be fines for unremorseful AP & WS

Who decides what who is unremorseful? The betrayed spouse? Not everyone agrees as to what makes a remorseful spouse.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read about one country where it is legal to kill your adulterous husband, but only with your bare hands, and you can kill the affair partner in any way you want.

Please.

Tell me more about this mystical, magical Shangri-la.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell me more about this mystical, magical Shangri-la.

I am laying money on it being an Internet myth since I can't find any actual laws about it in Hong Kong (which is what will come up word for word if you search for it) but there are plenty of countries that let you kill your wife if she was cheating. Or rape a woman and then require her in a court of law to produce strong evidence that she was raped, and then have her killed under adultery laws when she can't because nobody cares.

The great thing about Western law is that it focuses on protecting people rather than punishing people. The idea that 100 criminals should go free on technicalities if it means 1 innocent man isn't jailed falsely doesn't mesh with the "She doesn't count as a person, throw rocks at her until she stops moving" thing.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7546 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hester Prynne was the only one to wear the scarlet letter because she kept her lover's identity a secret. In all fairness, she was also technically a widow. Her husband was thought to be lost at sea many years ago. However, though Hester had sex with a single man (so again, we wouldn't view it as cheating), it was still considered adultery because all sex outside of marriage was adultery to Puritans. She also got pregnant, so she couldn't hide her "sin."

One person we're forgetting from that novel is Hester's BS (Roger Chillingworth)-- he comes back, greatly changed from the years away so no one recognizes him, and finds that his wife has had a child while he was gone. He then spends the entire novel incognito because he is intent on finding out who Hester's lover was, and he basically destroys himself, physically and mentally, in the process.

I'm fine with having the cheaters get smacked big time if the cheating leads to the dissolution of the marriage: monetary fines, no alimony from the BS, no rights to the marital home or the majority of the custodial time with the kids, etc. I wouldn't bother with anything else, though. To what end? My kids have been through enough.

The stocks, though... I won't lie that a little public humiliation might be in order...


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3632 | Registered: Oct 2011
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Frustrated  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adultery should have financial consequences for the cheater at the very least. The BS should never have to pay alimony and primary custody should be the default when other parent is an adulter. Also the financial split should favor the betrayed since they made financial decisions in good faith not knowing about the cheating. The split could be based on severity such as first offense, lenth of A time and STDs present. If the cheating is done in home or personal property then extra penalties. Its obvious the cheaters dominate our elected lawmakers since no fault has become primary.

I would also like to see a law where the betrayed has the option of pressing criminal charges just against their own spouse as well. But also be able to press charges against OP if they knowingly trespassed in our homes and took money or valuables from a married person they are fornicating with. They must at least refund the money and face trespassing charges. This stuff needs to be on peoples public records as a deterrent so employers can find out during background checks. These ppl are higher risk as they may cause sex harassment suits more often and violence in the workplace due to their slutty behavior. And they would be passed over for new jobs. The OW in my case solicits men on CL and works as school nurse.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 586 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All vindictive feelings aside, I'd be OK with infidelity playing a part in both divorce and/or child custody.

All the other stuff, stoning, stocks, etc., while it might feel good to think about momentarily, the larger implications of that kind of punishment would worry me, as well as equality of enforcement.

My guess would be that fewer people would cake eat for extended periods of time, they would just keep the affair relationship super secret and leave the marriage more quickly in order to be able to say that there was a clear line of demarcation between the two relationships. And then you'd have to have all kinds of laws regarding what is an affair versus what isn't: under a punitive system, an EA is out the window because it's no really provable.

Also, what's a PA, then? Hand-holding? Kissing? Button-unbuttoning? Zipper-unzipping? Sex? Oral sex? I'm being glib, but if we start having the law define what 'infidelity' is in terms of criminality, then you're going to have every single WS who stops *just* short of whatever that line is be able to make the claim, "It *wasn't* cheating."


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2250 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for the sh*t sandwich, I've eaten a HUGE one...but my WH has eaten one, too, not as big, but his choices cost him so much ..his friends, his job, his passion, my trust, and respect of his children.


The difference being your WH ordered his shit sandwich, decided what kind of bread to have it on, and ate it at his leisure. After he ordered it, he could have changed his order, left before it arrived, or simply not taken a bite when it arrived.

He then held you down and shoved your shit sandwich down your throat. He didn't ask if you were hungry, or if you were allergic, or anything. He just grabbed you and jammed that sandwich right down your throat.

I can see, clearly, how infidelity can have some very negative repercussions for the WS (or the OW), but to be very honest, when I read what your H lost, I just shrug and think 'eh'. Self inflicted wounds are very difficult for me to have sympathy for.

annb, I hope I didn't offend you - I was using you and your H because I was responding to your comments. I was really speaking much more generally.

I will add this: I don't feel like I did at 6 months out, or even at 2 years out, but if I think about the A, I can still taste that sandwich. I hope there is a day when that doesn't happen, but I honestly just can't see feeling indifferent, ever, about my fWH's A. Is it my life's obsession now? No, thank God!!! But I just don't see indifference to it coming, ever. I hope I'm wrong, and I really hope that other BSs ARE indifferent about the A.

I will also add - nothing I have written means that I, or others, cannot and should not forgive a remorseful WS. Forgiveness does NOT mean R. It simply means finding it in oneself to accept that people make mistakes, and that people can feel remorse, and change, and that ALL people are the sum of all of their actions, not simply one specific set of actions. I think remorse is too rare amongst WSs, and I think really doing 'the work' as we all call it, is even more rare. It's too easy to simply walk away, and looking at oneself is usually an unpleasant experience - wayward, betrayed, never affected by infidelity, or anyone else (if there is anyone else ). A WS that digs in deep and works toward a healthier self isn't just a person that deserves some major credit, but they're also a person that we could all learn something from because, like it or not, we could all use some self analysis and some improvements.

OK - maybe it's just me. No, maybe it's not 'all', but some of us.

Grrrrrrr - how do I speak for everyone without speaking for everyone


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t think torture or death are right. As much as I would love (AND I MEAN LOVE) to stone the OW to death, I remember that then her spouse could stone my husband as well.

But, I do think we should go back to public shaming, and the scarlet letter thing. What’s more, I think divorces should be “fault” in all states, and the BS should have rights to more assets.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adultery should have financial consequences for the cheater at the very least. The BS should never have to pay alimony and primary custody should be the default when other parent is an adulter. Also the financial split should favor the betrayed since they made financial decisions in good faith not knowing about the cheating. The split could be based on severity such as first offense, lenth of A time and STDs present. If the cheating is done in home or personal property then extra penalties. Its obvious the cheaters dominate our elected lawmakers since no fault has become primary.
I would also like to see a law where the betrayed has the option of pressing criminal charges just against their own spouse as well. But also be able to press charges against OP if they knowingly trespassed in our homes and took money or valuables from a married person they are fornicating with. They must at least refund the money and face trespassing charges. This stuff needs to be on peoples public records as a deterrent so employers can find out during background checks. These ppl are higher risk as they may cause sex harassment suits more often and violence in the workplace due to their slutty behavior. And they would be passed over for new jobs. The OW in my case solicits men on CL and works as school nurse.

Whattheh, will you marry me and buy an island with me so we can form our own society? I love it. All of it.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@painful past..

The difference being your WH ordered his shit sandwich, decided what kind of bread to have it on, and ate it at his leisure. After he ordered it, he could have changed his order, left before it arrived, or simply not taken a bite when it arrived.

He then held you down and shoved your shit sandwich down your throat. He didn't ask if you were hungry, or if you were allergic, or anything. He just grabbed you and jammed that sandwich right down your throat.

I can see, clearly, how infidelity can have some very negative repercussions for the WS (or the OW), but to be very honest, when I read what your H lost, I just shrug and think 'eh'. Self inflicted wounds are very difficult for me to have sympathy for.

annb, I hope I didn't offend you - I was using you and your H because I was responding to your comments. I was really speaking much more generally.

No offense taken, I understand your point, they do the crime, we do the time, but MANY do end up with severe consequences for their actions, esp. an extremely remorseful WS who is willing to do the hard work and make the M a priority over everything else.

BTW, I never game my WH any sympathy, he made his own bed, and he understands that.

[This message edited by annb at 6:48 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7628 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to repeat what others have already said, but countries that make adultery a criminal act overwhelmingly punish women far more frequently than men. So no, I don't want to emulate these places at all.

I do think that states that mandate a certain length of time before granting a divorce should waive that in cases of infidelity. That's just pouring salt in your wounds when you have to wait around for six months or whatever the requirement is to remove a cheating spouse from your life.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 87 | Registered: Oct 2013
twitching
♀ Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NeverAgain...it is the law in Hong Kong! Unless it isn't true? I am really stunned that in the same world I live in, that these horrible types of laws still exist.

I didn't expect these responses! I thought it would be interesting to look at the laws of other countries (especially Islamic ones) and be GRATEFUL that we do not live in such a place.

Do I wish OW was not on this earth? Yes. Undoubtedly. But would I kill her myself if it was legal? If course not! I'm not a monster! Yet in Hong Kong people do!

I read the Hong Kong thing on OMG facts, but I admit I did not check around to see how factual it really is.

[This message edited by twitching at 6:45 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought it would be interesting to look at the laws of other countries (especially Islamic ones) and be GRATEFUL that we do not live in such a place.
.....and *here's* where the thread takes a political/religious turn.

Plenty of people would look at the fact that we have the death penalty at all and be grateful they don't live here.

It's all perspective.

[This message edited by Ascendant at 9:05 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2250 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
twitching
♀ Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Indonesia, a woman who was gang raped was sentenced to caning.

In South Korea, a pastor who committed adultery was given 18 months in jail.

What about human rights? Forget politics and religion, what about treating people better? It is insane.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
twitching
♀ Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Somalia, a 13 year old girl was raped by 3 men. When she reported it, she was accused of adultery, buried up to her neck, and stoned.

Under Islamic law, rape can only be proven if there are 4 reliable male witnesses or the attacker confesses. Otherwise the woman is considered to be an adulterer if either one of them is married.

I am all for fantasizing about scarlet letters and getting pay back, but to actually practice laws like these is barbaric.

Those poor women.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
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