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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Husband is a sex addict. Is there any hope?
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi QS
I'm glad you're seeing an att'y. Good!

I notice you don't mention kids? Personally I think if you don't have kids don't even bother.

I don't swallow the whole SA thing. I can't help but notice this one glaring fact. Why so many male SA's MARRIED??? Why not just be single? Bang a different woman every night? No need to play hide and seek, set up rendevous? Have all the sex you want!
And not just married but to a woman who reflects on them in a nice respectable way. It's almost like... they're actually just narcissists who think it's ok to use women.

As painful as it is to be used for sex I cannot imagine how painful it is to be used as a mommy-wife when you thought you had signed on for a soulmate.

Best wishes, take care of yourself


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quiet - I'm glad you are finding strength. It's such a rollercoaster ride. I found a week ago and today I crashed. I can barely move. Not eating and sleeping has taken it's tole. My body can't take anymore.

The realization that ultimately they made a self serving decision so risky that was so far out there is too much to accept. I get the whole addiction thing and FOO but I agree having the thoughts is one thing but acting them out is a choice. I had moments of sympathy. But honestly, the lying never stops.

Absolut, your are right. Why bring decent women into the picture when all they want are whores. They still need us to help raise their kids (as in my case) keep a nice home and give the perception of having of normal life. After all, it's all about them so they can pursue their deviant lifestyle. My boyfriend's last text to me yesterday was He was broken hearted that he caused so much damage to our family and our lives together. He said he was getting help and should have a long time ago but he was selfish. I think it's more about being selfish than addiction at times. He said those same words the first time he was busted. So sad that we try to have so much hope and love for them when they show so very little for us.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Often SAs marry because they think the love of a good woman will fix them. Right. All it does is destroy the spouse.

I like your attitude. I often say that he may have an addiction. Doesn't mean he wasn't also an asshole.

Please do post your story in ICR. We all vent there frequently.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So right Scaredy - a'holes all the way. I have been reading the ICR section bit by bit. God there are so many of out there. I'm getting a lot of strength here. I'm not seeing a lot of positive from staying and helping them. I admire the strength of those who try but to me it's worse than drugs or booze. At least you can see when someone is stoned or drunk. These guys we "love" are screwing people on their lunch or on their way home from work. At least today I'm too exhausted to deal with it. I have entered a world of my own denial. People ask how he's doing, and I say fine. Nobody knows. Boy if they knew. I would rock this town although I'm sure it goes on everywhere.

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearly you are in the anger phase. It sounded earlier like you love him. Please do not cloud your vision. Protect yourself and do the right things, but don't allow others to influence you. My only advise. And those giving good advise to you would say I'm a newbie at 5 months and you probably shouldn't listen to me. I feel good things to your marriage. You need to understand what went wrong . Can't help you there. But my best wishes.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you all. Yes I will now post the therapy info in ICR. Thank-you to everyone for your advice. There is no SAnon meeting in my area, but I have received information from the head office and am going to read everything they sent. If it feels like a good fit I will at least be able to attend phone meetings.

Just being able to talk here has helped so much. At the end of the day I am a writer, not a verbaliser, so this is therapy as well. I know you are all real people with good minds, experience to share, wise counsel and hearts that genuinely care. I have also, after many years of being quiet about my feelings and having difficulty discussing difficult emotional things, or saying anything that would "rock the boat" found my voice. And thus my user name, QuietNoMore This new dimension of me, my verbal voice, needed to be found, and she has been: her unveiling is, at the very least, one positive thing I have received from this. No more will I keep silent, regardless of outcome. I will strive to be kind and gentle and diplomatic with him. But I won't mince the truth. The squelching is finished.

I do love him. At least I love the man that I thought I married. That is a man who meets me at the airport with flowers, booked a surprise trip to Greece for my birthday last year. A man who sends me love notes and beautiful cards with loving words for non occasions. A man who has never raised his voice at me, never sworn at me and is patient with MY shortcomings. That is a man who is a tender considerate lover. That is a man who has jewellery made at a specialist jeweller each year for our anniversary. A man who tells me he loves me every day and that I am the most beautiful person he has ever known. A man who doesn't question my purchases. A man who trusts me and isn't insanely jealous like my ex. A man who apart from this mess, treats me like gold. If THAT man is real, and I believe he is, then he is in there with the monster that is addicted to porn, hired whores, cheated on me with them, broke our marriage vows and destroyed something so beautiful for his own selfish needs. If all of the above is true, then he is also a selfish man and obviously has some serious psychological.

I am going to give him the opportunity to turn this around. I left my country, my friends and family and a job I loved (how rare is that!) to move back to his country with him. I went for broke and put all my eggs in his basket. I love my new country and I love the man who brought me here. If he is genuinely in there, living parallel alongside the selfish "gravy-sucking pig" (as NeverAgain2013 put it so aptly thank-you for that one Never LOL ) then there is hope. So far he is doing everything right and he seems determined to face and beat this monster. Time will tell, and my gut will know if the changes and progress are real, and I will have a fork in the road in my future. I am doing all I can to ensure I am prepared and strong for either direction.

Okay, off to post in ICR. Thank-you all for the care you have shown in writing. You don't know what strength I have drawn from this, but you feel like the group of girlfriends that I lack over here in my new country.


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mhiimg - I know I'm in the anger stage and I know feelings can change from one minute to the next. He still hasn't entered any kind of real honesty phase with me yet. The only info I have is what my own detective work turned up and even then some is denied. The lies are the worst.

Of course I love him or none of this would matter. Truth is, for all the kindnesses he did for me and there were many, He did the unthinkable again. It's not the first time, or second time....I told him the last time I would help him if he felt it were a problem he couldn't handle. I would be there for him. I'm just not sure how much as women and partners, we are supposed to endure, and for what? A lifetime of looking over our shoulders. I admire everyone here putting it all on the line and being strong for the person they love. I just hope they get what they deserve from all this hard work and therapy. Who knows, I may change my mind but right now I'm happy being separated from him. Sad and lost as I may be right now, something tells me I just dodged a bullet

Quiet, very well written post. Your humour in there gave me a little chuckle as well, gravy-sucking pig. Too funny. Thank God for this site is all I can say :-)



Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Mhiimg - thought you were responding to my thread. Just realizing that you were responding to Quiet. I have read so many stories I thought I was back in my own posting. Head is all over the place. Same deal though as we can all relate to the same pain.

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
Topic Posts: 28
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