Thank-you all. Yes I will now post the therapy info in ICR. Thank-you to everyone for your advice. There is no SAnon meeting in my area, but I have received information from the head office and am going to read everything they sent. If it feels like a good fit I will at least be able to attend phone meetings.
Just being able to talk here has helped so much. At the end of the day I am a writer, not a verbaliser, so this is therapy as well. I know you are all real people with good minds, experience to share, wise counsel and hearts that genuinely care. I have also, after many years of being quiet about my feelings and having difficulty discussing difficult emotional things, or saying anything that would "rock the boat" found my voice. And thus my user name, QuietNoMore This new dimension of me, my verbal voice, needed to be found, and she has been: her unveiling is, at the very least, one positive thing I have received from this. No more will I keep silent, regardless of outcome. I will strive to be kind and gentle and diplomatic with him. But I won't mince the truth. The squelching is finished.
I do love him. At least I love the man that I thought I married. That is a man who meets me at the airport with flowers, booked a surprise trip to Greece for my birthday last year. A man who sends me love notes and beautiful cards with loving words for non occasions. A man who has never raised his voice at me, never sworn at me and is patient with MY shortcomings. That is a man who is a tender considerate lover. That is a man who has jewellery made at a specialist jeweller each year for our anniversary. A man who tells me he loves me every day and that I am the most beautiful person he has ever known. A man who doesn't question my purchases. A man who trusts me and isn't insanely jealous like my ex. A man who apart from this mess, treats me like gold. If THAT man is real, and I believe he is, then he is in there with the monster that is addicted to porn, hired whores, cheated on me with them, broke our marriage vows and destroyed something so beautiful for his own selfish needs. If all of the above is true, then he is also a selfish man and obviously has some serious psychological.
I am going to give him the opportunity to turn this around. I left my country, my friends and family and a job I loved (how rare is that!) to move back to his country with him. I went for broke and put all my eggs in his basket. I love my new country and I love the man who brought me here. If he is genuinely in there, living parallel alongside the selfish "gravy-sucking pig" (as NeverAgain2013 put it so aptly thank-you for that one Never LOL ) then there is hope. So far he is doing everything right and he seems determined to face and beat this monster. Time will tell, and my gut will know if the changes and progress are real, and I will have a fork in the road in my future. I am doing all I can to ensure I am prepared and strong for either direction.
Okay, off to post in ICR. Thank-you all for the care you have shown in writing. You don't know what strength I have drawn from this, but you feel like the group of girlfriends that I lack over here in my new country.
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014
Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.