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User Topic: T/J - Why Did you Stay?
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Stop  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been a couple threads in the other forums asking Why did you Stay? The main reason most stayed was for their kids. Some said if there were not children they would be long gone. Others said for the kids and also because they loved their spouse or finances.

Question - I know everyone is different and not all M have to be unhappy to have an affair (some are and some are not). After the A Why did you stay?

How do you feel knowing that a good amount of BS stayed because of children?

My H doesn't know about my A. I was very close to leaving for LTAP and then for myself (not seeing clearly) At first I stayed because it was easier to stay than to go (children/financial) and now I am glad I did - I see what a good man my husband is and realize how lucky I am and that I love him.

Not sure where I am going with this but I was just curious.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 10:58 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay because I love my husband. My A was never about a lack of love for him.

I stay for my kids.

I stay for me. My broken is what makes me want to leave everything, disappear. I'd never want to leave BH for AP. AP fostered my broken, nourished it, allowed it to bloom. AP gave me a place to be broken & have that be enough. It's not. And it's so f*ed up that I valued that space. Now that my mind is clear, I cannot believe I allowed myself to care for someone who had no concern for me or my well being, who could see despair & leave me in it, who would encourage me to put my family at risk so we could get drunk & screw around.

My M is not perfect. It's far from it. My BH & I are likely not the best match long term. We just see the world very differently. But we are a good match overall. He is a good man & I know it. I'm grateful to have clarity again.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The main reason most stayed was for their kids.
I really don't understand this logic. If you (general term) are miserable, dislike your partner, don't trust them, there is no communication, there is no R, why stay? Where do FOO issues come from? Family. What is modeled for a child, many times they accept as normal and repeat the cycle. They think dysfunctional is the norm. Who wants that for their kids? I'm a product of my raising. And sweet fancy Moses, its been a major pain to unkink all my kinks.

I grew up without extended family. I do NOT want that for my kids. But I'm also not going to sacrifice my morals and beliefs in order for my kids to have it. I'm not going to allow them to be smack in the middle of a controlling, abusive, NLD atmosphere. I don't want them to think that kind of behavior is acceptable.

I begged QS to not stay just for the kids. Because it's wrong to me. We would do whatever it took. I'd work. Two jobs if I had to. I wouldn't go for alimony or CS. I was willing to sign everything away. I would rather them come from a divorced, financially struggling, yet authentic situation. Is it hard? Absofreakinglutely. I have single parent friends. I see the struggle every day. But I would rather that than a fake, superficial relationship with QS where both of us are miserable and "stuck". We have several friends who are miserable in their relationships but won't divorce because "the kids are still in school". And it's lainfully obvious to everyone how miserable they are. Its sad.

There are many people here that stay only because of kids. I don't understand it. But at the end of the day, its not my relationship. It doesn't affect me. I don't really care what they do with their life. It's theirs to live. For me, its wrong. (Sorry. Got a little soapboxy there)

QS stayed because he loved me. He saw something in me worth staying for. I stayed because I love that man insanely. Because I wanted to do everything in my power to fix the mess I created. To try to help him heal. To build a new relationship with him. Regardless of the kids.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie - I don't understand it either. When things were heated in my M there was talk about D. We both decided to work on it and my H asked me if I was staying only for the kids. I was at first and partly because I was scared and didn't have the best plan in place. At the time I didn't like him very much but I did care for him. I knew I loved him but wondered if we could ever be good together again.

I now know he is the only one in this world who has my back no matter what. He is a good father, he is also a good man and he loves me. I am lucky I made the right choice when I was foggy and took my time and put effort in to our M to eventually become clear. Everyone says it takes time. Making decisions while foggy, angry, or upset is always a mistake.

I don't think I could stay for the kids long-term. I can support myself (it would be tough but I could do it). I think kids notice and feel tension more than most realize. I also want my kids to see what a loving relationship looks like. Sure everyone has arguments or tough times that is part of life. I want them to see two people work through those tough times to become happy again. Everything goes in cycles.

I was just surprised so many said that they stayed for kids. I love my kids more than anything. I also think I deserve a happy life as well. Glad we are working towards it.


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On staying for the kids:

By all appearances, BH & I have a "good" relationship. We spend time together. The kids are happy & well adjusted. They feel safe. They see BH & I discuss all manner of things, work through disagreements in a reasonable manner, joke around. Our home life doesn't scream dysfunction by any stretch.

I realize I have a filtered view of things as I have not disclosed my A. But that decision, at least for now, is also, in part, for the kids. It would blow up their entire home life, rip apart a stability that I never had growing up. That's not a consequence that I was capable of fully understanding when I was involved in the A. Intellectually, I realized it existed as a possible outcome, but I didn't have the ability to conceptualize what that meant or even be concerned with that possible outcome; drowning in my broken was the only thing that mattered to me, & it wasn't something I could get out of on my own.

Now that my mind is healing (thanks to meds for the re-wiring & post-med work) & I'm out of that state, I can see the effects that my past actions would have on everyone involved. And I don't want to do that to them.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that this question gets asked so frequently, because I feel like I could give a different answer now than I did a month ago. I also like that it's recognized that WS's have a choice in the matter to stay or go.

For me, intially it was all about my kids, hence my name. I actually wish I could change my name now because I think it downplays my commitment to my M.

Now I stay because I know my M and my home are the best place for me to thrive. I'm surrounded by relationships based on real love and devotion. I'm loved with or without makeup, with or without sex, on grumpy days and on fun days. It's REAL. I can see now how fake that unicorn land was. I am in shock that I spent more than a second be fooled by that illusion.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Mar 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you asked this, because (when both partners know about the infidelity) R is a two-way street. Either partner can make a unilateral decision to leave, but R needs to be unanimous.

BH said in MC a few weeks ago that he feels stuck in the M. He doesn't hate me or anything, but if not for the kids? Yes, he would've left. And maybe come back, maybe not, but at least he might've felt like he genuinely had a choice.

Me? I don't feel stuck. This family, my BH and our two amazing DC, this is what I want. I see us growing old together, sitting around reminiscing about when the kids were little. About all the interesting places we've lived and visited.

This may sound cold, but I'm a pragmatist. I want BH, but I don't need him. If he mainly stayed "for the children," if he feels stuck, fine. That means I have 11 years to make him not regret staying, because then "the kids" will be gone and he'll have a choice.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
remorsefulww
♀ New Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I stay?
Because even though I did the worst thing imaginable to my BH I still loved him. I realized ap was only using me and played with my emotions to get what he wanted and he was just a fantasy of the grass being greener. In reality my BH is the best man I have ever had the honor to know and love. He has always put me first, loved me, protected me, been there for me, and still is, he is my rock.
The kids were never a factor in staying for me or BH we are trying one day at a time for us. As every day passes there is not a day that I dont think about what my actions have done to my BH and marriage, there is not a second that passes that I think how grateful I am to my BH for staying and giving me the chance to show and prove how sorry, regretful, and remorseful I am with my actions everyday.

BH stayed because he does love me and I am showing him that I am sorry through hard work and determination . I am breaking the repeated patterns and cycles that I in the past have shown to keep doing. I am fixing me and in doing that trying to fix us. I am communicating and I have never done that in 12 years.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

remoresefulww
In reality my BH is the best man I have ever had the honor to know and love. He has always put me first, loved me, protected me, been there for me, and still is, he is my rock.

Love this!

Thank you to all that responded. I just wanted to get the W perspective. I too thought the grass was greener glad I discovered differently with time.

As I said - I love my husband but at first due to not wanting to make a rash decision I did stay for the kids/financial reasons. I am so glad I didn't do anything stupid when foggy because it turns out I discovered I am staying for him because he is all the things in the quote above.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 11:45 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't have children.

I can't answer "why I stayed" as we divorced, but as for why I wanted to R and was agreeable to try when he finally wanted it too:

I love him. We're better and happier together than apart. I want kids and he'll be a great dad. I'm tired of dealing with other people's bullshit and not interested in finding someone else. Many reasons.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 11:59 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
remorsefulww
♀ New Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Past,
I always knew that about BH, but I never believed it. I was always waiting for that proverbial rug to be pulled from underneath me because of my past. I blamed him for all the wrong that the men in my life did to me and in a way punished him for it, and all he did was what was quoted. I have been a shitty wife and partner to him for years and never once put him first it has always been about me.

It wasn't until I went to IC, grew up, and pulled my head out of my ass that I realized what I was doing and not doing and how I was destroying everything with my self destructive behavior.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

remorsefulww

I knew this in the beginning too and for many years. We went through a rough spot and he started taking me for granted and I found someone who didn't (or so I thought). Wrong move on my part and terrible decision. We just needed to work on us.

I am glad you discovered your guy is awesome. I am rediscovering it too!


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Splitintwo

I realize I have a filtered view of things as I have not disclosed my A. But that decision, at least for now, is also, in part, for the kids. It would blow up their entire home life, rip apart a stability that I never had growing up. That's not a consequence that I was capable of fully understanding when I was involved in the A. Intellectually, I realized it existed as a possible outcome, but I didn't have the ability to conceptualize what that meant or even be concerned with that possible outcome; drowning in my broken was the only thing that mattered to me, & it wasn't something I could get out of on my own.

I understand this as I have not disclosed mine and I am learning more about myself daily. I also think you would choose differently if you were miserable but you seem all in all like a well functioning family that gets along and has good times.

I do think some W stay because they are scared (whether discovered or not) I did at first. I was planning to get my stuff together and move on with life to be happy. Like I said I am glad I did that and let my fog of AP clear - it made me realize I could be happy with my H.

Everyone is different and has choices. The W has a choice to stay and work on things or leave and be with AP or be alone. The BS has a choice to stay and work on things or choose that it was a deal breaker.

Many BS say they stayed for the kids, I was wondering if that was why many W stayed and decided to try and work on things.

(slammed in another thread so I am trying to explain) Just because we are W doesn't mean we don't have a choice about staying in the M. Maybe unhappiness, being taken for granted, or living sexless was the push to start the affair. Both people have caused the issues in the M. Both need to work on those issues or nothing will get better. The W made the choice to have the A - which was wrong and not the BS fault at all but issues in the M are both peoples fault.

Maybe the issues in the marriage were unfixable and they were scared to leave because of kids or finances - easier to stay vs. having to go through a D. Maybe they do love their spouse and made a terrible choice and want with all their heart to fix it. I don't know how people feel about this - I have never seen it asked and so that is why I posted the question.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 3:40 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
CantBeUndone
♀ Member
Member # 42205
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH said in MC a few weeks ago that he feels stuck in the M. He doesn't hate me or anything, but if not for the kids? Yes, he would've left. And maybe come back, maybe not, but at least he might've felt like he genuinely had a choice.

Me? I don't feel stuck. This family, my BH and our two amazing DC, this is what I want. I see us growing old together, sitting around reminiscing about when the kids were little. About all the interesting places we've lived and visited.

This may sound cold, but I'm a pragmatist. I want BH, but I don't need him. If he mainly stayed "for the children," if he feels stuck, fine. That means I have 11 years to make him not regret staying, because then "the kids" will be gone and he'll have a choice.

This is basically how I feel. I stayed before the affair for the kids. But now, I stay because I love him and this life we made. I'm horrified by the choices I made and hope one day he can forgive and love me. At one point, I would've said that our marriage was over, given that crap line, "I love him but I'm not in love with him." I feel so differently now. Love is a verb, not an adjective. It's not about feelings and butterflies, those always fade. He stuck by me while I questioned our marriage. It's enough for me right now that he's staying for the kids. Hopefully in time that will change but in the meantime, I'm just glad he's here.


Me: WW
Him: BH
30's, 4 kids
DD- Jan 2014

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 14

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