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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I lost it and physically attacked the OM
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course your solicitor would say, "well done". It means more business for them if there's a need to defend you.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS, your XW's POS and my XH's OW/NW would make the perfect flucked up pair. I've been goaded for 9 of the last 11 years.

The lesson I learned (the hard way) was to not engage. It amped up her crazy to the point she would yell at me in public. While I stood my ground, looked thru her and went about my business. Ignoring her (and him) has been my high road. It really helped me when she started going crazy in public, it just proved to the world how nuts she was. I treated her like a crazy person I would meet on the street. No engaging on my part. Truth was I was stunned the first time, but learned to let my kids (and anyone around us) see the difference between us. Crazy vs classy.

SHE IS NOTHING TO ME or my life. He is the father of my children-nothing more.

I know right now parts of you are still raw and other parts are on the way to healing. Think pro actively, what can you do to change this (drop off) situation so it takes away his power.

Can you meet when the kids are awake? Can DS remember his guitar? ( I used to make a list for what my kids needed for their time at XH's) I know things get forgotten. I just want you to think of a better (more empowering to AAS) way to handle this going forward.

If it were me I would want my kid to know I made the effort to bring the guitar. In my situation XH/NW would use an opportunity like this to tell my kids how much I didn't care about them. I wouldn't bring the guitar, they had to come get it from me. If my kid didn't know (or see that) I was bringing the guitar, the dynamic duo of dysfunction would spin it to make them the hero. In truth, they could care less!

I think your days of drop,ring,and run need to end. It isn't helping you anymore.

Stay Classy.

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 8:23 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that it may have been a little immature to indulge in a wrestling match with the jackass that is the OM.....but...I have to admit... a good jab to the eyeball or uppercut to the jaw would have been a nice closure moment.... I agree too that if you are gonna "go there" that you might as well do it up right!!!

I can't tell you how many fantasies I had about beating the ever loving crap out of MOW. I think its a good thing she and her husband were in another state when I found the emails on D-day.... the red I saw was blinding....and I woulda most definitely been at their front doorstep.... wouldn't have been pretty! God was watching out for me that night! (and her I guess... )


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Full moon.

Now next time he does something like that just stop, give him your best "what a fuckwit" stare and headshake, smile and walk away.

Plan B of pounding him to a limping pulp out of sight of anyone but your pals sounds good also....

But realistically you must resist any further temptation to feed this moron's massive ego.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17483 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Snapdragon
♀ Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course he's trying to punish you! He's stuck with her now.


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3085 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whilst I regret not doing a proper job of it I do also realise that if I had the Police would have turned up for sure.

I'm glad he's now fully enraged as it will make the financial hearing all the sweeter when they are told that they can't get me out of the house


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 711 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm concerned about the sociopath comment.

i hope it's wrong. If it's right, you will really have to be on your guard. just the thought of it makes me angry. i've crossed paths with sociopaths before. I didn't like it. I had to inflict so much pain that they were afraid of me and moved on to someone else as a target. and of course, there was trouble for me because of it.

good luck. be careful


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAS....You are angry right now. It's completely understandable, but you're directing your anger at the wrong person. Your XWW is pulling the strings here.

You asked why Gru seems so angry? Well think of things from his perspective:

She told him that you raped her. It's that simple. He sees you, bigger than him, and he looks at her and gets angry about what you 'did' to her. He's trying to provoke you to get you into trouble with the police. He wants you to have a record for something because you didn't get done for that. And she's lost her family home, her children have had to move out of it. And there you are, her 'rapist' living the same life with no consequences. [remember, he doesn't know your pain, he's seeing you through her eyes] He wants to provoke you into some consequences.

And who is the real mind behind it all? Your XWW.

By saying nothing during the scuffle, she made sure that she could not be held culpable for anything. She just let the two of you go for it. Either or both of you could have been arrested and charged with assault. And she let both of you carry on. Have a think about that.

You're so very angry right now, but that anger is getting you into trouble. Trouble that could stop all contact with your children. Trouble that could land you with a criminal record. And AAS? She's not worth it. And you are worth more than that. You need to find a healthy outlet for your own anger.



Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1045 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This reminds me of, "Yes, I have a beautiful daughter. And a shotgun, a shovel, and an alibi." Yeah Stronger for working on his alibi!

But in all seriousness, yeah, fist fighting is for immature people. Gru stood there calm as day with his middle finger up and made you look like the crazy one..

My ex would also curse at me IN FRONT OF THE KIDS at exchanges, so I have the Police Department in my phone as a contact and NEVER hesitate to ask for an escort. After a few weeks of that, my ex never bothered me again when exchanging the kids..

Except now OW has taken to continuously honking the horn while they are outside my driveway getting the kids.. I guess it's the same as giving me the middle finger, BUT I DON'T CARE. Hopefully a neighbor complains or I should give the police a call again just to keep the peace, but whatever I do, I'm not gonna go crazy and go out there and slap the bitch for it. Might mess up my new nail polish..

And AGAIN, the OW isn't the person who hurt me. My ex LIED and LIED and LIED some more about me to her, so I'm not all that surprised she hates me. She doesn't even fucking know me, nor does Gru really know you.

Given what was just written above about your wife, sociopath certainly comes to mind. The selfish bitch.. And you know the cure for a sociopath? DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

You have every right to be angry, but you could have gotten in serious trouble. And didn't you have better things to do? You should have laughed that guy off like the moron he is and found something better to do with your time...


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
SwitchedOnLotus
♀ Member
Member # 25902
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to the posters who say that yes, totally think you could total this guy, but for legal reasons and if you actually want a measure of revenge, quit playing into these traps he sets with his behavior. He wants your attention. He wants to "win" by making you look out of control, making you look like the crazy one. We know you are not the crazy one.

Make sure the world has a chance of seeing his freak flag flying by treating him with indifference when he acts out. The more you refuse to engage, the more he will feel the need to either give up and leave the situation alone ( better for you), or even better, get himself worked into a frenzy trying to amp it up and demand your attention. If your indifference can hold up, he will lose it and everyone will begin to see who he really is.

It is a game and a power play. You trying to intimidate him means he wins. Coming to blows is a win for him. Indifference means he can never achieve his sociopathic goal, and that he is stuck just being himself, something he really does not want to face.

You win when you treat him like a crazy and just ignore it, no gesturing back, no need to say anything to him, he does not matter. He does not matter.

Watch him go apesh#*t and have your laugh later, because believe me, when they lose it, they look completely the fool!

He is an angry muppet. You are in control of your life, calling the shots. You are the cool-headed, wiser, smarter one. Let him be an angry muppet in the front window of his own house. What a fool!


BS - SwitchedOnLotus, 35
WH - 40 4 Month EA/ PA D-Day 1:7-2009/D-Day 2: 10-29-2009
11-29-09 Began R/9-02-10 A in past,M bttr thn B4
"It isn't what happens to us that matters, but how we choose to interpret it and react"

Posts: 518 | Registered: Oct 2009
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know why he's mad.

He's stuck with your EX- WW.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, bullies are bullies are bullies....they all came from the same cloth and all of them have one flaw...They go after the weak.

This OM is a bully and even though you continued to just accept the bullying and took the higher road, it fueled his conception that you were weak and he was winning.

I am firm believer that sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is show him that you are NOT incapable of beating the ever loving crap out of them, but that you choose not to.

Its like the Gambler - sometimes you have to fight. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and stop taking the abuse.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
monarchwings
♀ Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he set the bait and you took it. Its hard when you are still angry. I know there will come a time when your give a fuck is completely broken and you will simply ignore this behavior.

What worries me is when you stop reacting who they will turn their venom on....your EX...okay what comes around goes around.. My concern is either your boys will witness the abuse towards their mom, which is an unhealthy environment or she\he\they will start turning the abuse on them which is your real nightmare.

I really think your focus for learning how to deal with them is crucial not only for your own well-being but for your boys as well. You will need to teach them appropriate coping skills. That baby is going to come along and their patience with the boys is going to run out. Please get yourself emotionally healthy for them.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jul 2013
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh.

I walk in a world where actions have consequences.

Sometimes an ass beating is among those consequences.

Folks tend to behave in a more civil manner when they understand that.

High five, brother!


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand about losing your cool and attacking the AP. I lost my cool and choked the OW once. Not my proudest moment.

I am currently reading Tuesdays With Morrie. If you have not heard of it, it is a true story about a old professor who is dying and one of his former student visits him every Tuesday and they talk about life. Anyway, one thing that Morrie said really struck me "People get mean when they feel threatened" It was like a light bulb went off because for 9 years I could not figure out why X was so mean to me in the months after dday. Now I understand that he felt cornered and lashed out at me.

I think perhaps OM feels threatened by you. He does not feel secure in his relationship with WW and so he lashes out at you.

I would suggest that you start going to the door and waiting until they answer. No more allowing OM to hide behind the knowledge that you are in your car driving away. Stand proud and force WW and/or OM to see you standing proud with the knowledge that they do not scare you. OM will probably hide behind WW skirts, and if he does just smirk at him.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17674 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that you start going to the door and waiting until they answer. No more allowing OM to hide behind the knowledge that you are in your car driving away. Stand proud and force WW and/or OM to see you standing proud with the knowledge that they do not scare you. OM will probably hide behind WW skirts, and if he does just smirk at him.

^^^ THIS X 1,000,000.

FTG.

I would also add: Address only her. Discuss your child only with her. He has no say, so treat him accordingly. If he chimes in, disregard him as a pesky annoyance whose input isn't even worthy of consideration.

He will be embarrassed, and she will see you with a new respect.

Oh, and in case I forgot to say it earlier, FTG.

[This message edited by justjim at 11:24 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it again. You are way better than that, and now she gets the sick satisfaction of thinking that 2 people are fighting over her.
---this is such a good mantra.

Hey I really do understand your anger. Owife continues to send me unwanted email, text messages and even tried to call me the other night! all of this I ignore. She has gotten thrown out of hospitals and courtrooms with her her Jerryspringer behavior.
This rage boils hot and red, but you cannot not not act on it again like that. The posters on this thread pointed out why .
I know for me it helps just to know someone understands. We do understand!
You have to stay classy for your kids, to stay out of legal trouble and to NOT look like the crazy one. Screwed up people will bait others and then say "see! I told you s/he was unstable!" when it was a total bait and lie.
Find an outlet for your rage. Write letters to her and OM, read them out loud to yourself then burn them. This works wonders. You write and do NOT hold anything back, use really bad language and call names. Another is physical exercise. This one is two fold you get your anger out and you get to look good! I'm sure there are a few more that are 1. safe and 2. legal. Try it.

[This message edited by Helen of Troy at 4:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies.

I've decided to set my compass for the high road. Whenever I see POS or exWW I am set back emotionally so I know it's better for me to stay away.

All of my friends IRL have patted me on the back quickly followed by a stern 'don't do it again' and reminded me that I need only be concerned with the people who matter in my life and not the immature, dishonest, thieving, immoral scum that I have to share my children with.

The local Police called me on Thursday night to talk with me and they have made an appointment to see me on Tuesday evening. Once that is out of the way I am simply going to focus on my children and getting the financial settlement.

I wish I could post a picture of Gru. You would laugh at how truly ugly he is


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 711 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good choice going high road. I live with the same thing you do. Anytime the ex and I have a spat via email, text, etc her AP (now her husband) jumps in and starts throwing everything he can at me to try and get me going. And I mean everything from calling me gay all the way to being a bad father. You can fill in what comes in between all that. I have had a few ocassions where I have fired back at him, but it's all verbal crap. I have even given him the open opportunity to meet me anytime anywhere. Always said in the heat of the moment. I would of loved the opportunity to pull him out of his car when he drives them up to my house to drop off my kids. But somehow I have always restrained myself. Now almost two years from Dday, I find less and less of that anger. I certainly can think about the hurt put on my two kids by that asshat and would love to move his teeth to the opposite side of his head. But deep down no good can come of it. His Karma day will come as well. As will hers. I'll just keep walking the high road taking whatever life deals up to me.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The local Police called me on Thursday night to talk with me and they have made an appointment to see me on Tuesday evening.

AAS, be very careful about this. If they just wanted a quiet word, they would knock on your door. Making an appointment to see you is potentially serious, depending on what you tell them. Time to get some legal advice.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1045 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
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