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User Topic: I lost it and physically attacked the OM
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly can think about the hurt put on my two kids by that asshat and would love to move his teeth to the opposite side of his head.

Love that! Moving his teeth, very funny.

The Police did actually turn up at my door on Thursday night but I wasn't in. They called me and arranged to visit on Tuesday. There's nothing to be scared of, I'm sure of it. But thanks for being concerned


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly, the Police didn't turn up last night like they arranged to.

In addition, both children told me that mummy and Gru had told them that I "had a fight with Gru" and that I "don't know how to punch".

Putting aside the economical truth of the story telling, I am astounded that they would tellthe children anything. They even woke the children on the night in question to tell them. I imagine this is so that they can possible corroborate their story if need be.

I also discovered that my children asked mummy if they could see more of me, particularly over the next two weeks due to school holidays, but she said no.

I'm not going to rise to the bait. Just keeping my head down and focussing on me and my time with the children. Breathe and count to 10

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:29 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why you're not more concerned about the police.


You do realize you exW has you both totally played, right?

She has both of you dancing to her tune and neither of you see it.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally unsolicited observations (in a bit of a 2x4 key):

(1) they are baiting you and you're falling right into the trap. They know that if he keeps antagonizing you, you'll eventually react.

(2) they are systematically trying to diminish you in the eyes of the kids. At the very least, through their rhetoric, they are using this fight to communicate to them that daddy acted irrationally and wasn't a "man" about it (e.g., the comment on punching).

(3) the police probably have better things to do, yes... however, you stepped onto their property and fought with him. You are accumulating incidents in which YOU look like the hothead. Not him. You.

We are biased here because who among us hasn't dreamed of pummeling OW or our Xs into the ground? To us, it's a hero story. To the outside world, especially as more time goes by, you are going to begin to look petty and unstable. We know how much these A stay with us and damage us-- but sooner rather than later, others are going to expect you to "get over it"-- at least to the point that you don't take his bait and just drive away.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I played into their hands. This has already been established and accepted.

I've gone total NC since.

Interesting that they haven't simply moved on and got on with life.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't get the woman you married - he got the bitch you divorced.


I LOVE this. So very true!

I didn't read the whole thread as I'm pressed for time today, so maybe someone's already said this... I think POS hates you so much because your very existence is a reminder that he IS a POS. Seeing you is holding up a mirror to his ugly face and reminding him of what he did and how their relationship started. Whatever fairytale version they tell themselves there at the fairy castle, it evaporates the second you show up. And that pisses him off. And the same is true for XWW when she's the one hurling the abuse.

Don't beat yourself up (no pun intended) for taking the bait this time. Was it smart? Of course not. But you're only human and everyone has their limits. Hopefully this has helped you hit the "reset" button mentally, and moved you one step closer to indifference.

The high road is tough...but worth it. And these two are so beneath you. SO SO beneath you. And POS isn't worth the .05 cents in gas you spent backing up the car to go and confront him.

(((allatsea)))


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing you is holding up a mirror to his ugly face and reminding him of what he did and how their relationship started. Whatever fairytale version they tell themselves there at the fairy castle, it evaporates the second you show up. And that pisses him off. And the same is true for XWW when she's the one hurling the abuse.

I, too, wonder why in the hell the OW and my XWH try to be so mean and evil to me, also. This explains it.

IT PISSES THEM OFF THAT YOU ARE HAPPY!! Do you get it now? I do!!! The happier we are, the more pissed off they get, so the more crazy shit they do!!! OMG!

When you talk to the police, do you have any copies of any harassing emails they have sent to you?

I'm starting to wonder if your XWW realizes she is married to a POS?

One more thing. I'd be tempted the next time you go there or they come to your house, to have someone take a photo of him flipping you off. Do you have $$ for a PI? They could be kinda far off with the camera or voice recorder. Do this professionally, though. The PI will testify in court as an impartial witness if licensed by the state. I'd get a part time job to pay for it if you don't have extra $$ floating around.... It's like insurance. Get a lot of these picture, get a file together, maybe you can get your kids. IN FACT,, if you have $$$ have a PI take photos of your kids with the OM in public places in case he pushes them around.

Hey--- you might get pix of the OM with another OW!!! I wouldnt' be surprised. The OW in my case ramps stuff up when she doesn't want anyone to look closely at her activity.....and she is cheating on my XWH I have witnesses!!!! LOL

Since they woke up your kids,, you need to take them to counseling when they are with you. Tell them this is their safe place. Feel free to talk. My children's counselor showed them a piece of paper and she said she is required to write on it after each session. She says she usually says Joe was having a good day today or something bland so that the child can be free to talk. You need another set of eyes on this situation for your kids sake. They will thank you when they are grown. I got free counseling for my kids at the domestic violence center.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:00 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2203 | Registered: Jan 2012
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just sounding stuff out here, but I would be careful about assuming their actions or "inability to let it go" is about being upset that you're happy and that sort of thing. The way you responded is not the reaction of a man who is a happy person.

It's really good that you accept and recognize your responsibility here. I just wanted to reinforce being careful about feeling good about yourself as a result of this instance or minimizing the consequences.

Maybe deep down there is some psychological stuff going on having to do with regret or bitterness at your freedom or whatever... but your XWW and OM don't strike me as particularly deep. You're probably never going to get down to why they hate you so much because it's based on all kinds of lies they tell themselves and each other and you don't have access to that. But, as I said before, I'd keep an eye on the outcomes of these kinds of interactions (e.g., the rhetoric they feed the kids) so you know both how to counteract that and to avoid similar instances in the future.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any news AAS?

For what it's worth, my head is telling me, "HELLO. DON'T GET ARRESTED! BAAAAAD IDEA!"

But really, my heart is here:

Meh.

I walk in a world where actions have consequences.

Sometimes an ass beating is among those consequences.

Folks tend to behave in a more civil manner when they understand that.

High five, brother!

I'm not sure if the shows and movies are true, but didn't cheaters used to get *expected* ass beatings? Don't they still in other countries?

You fuck with me, my family, my husband, my siblings, my best friends, things are gonna go down.

I'm not really a vigilante, and I know it's not mature and that violence isn't the answer. But I DO agree that people tend to behave in a more civil manner when *DESERVED* consequences are regularly handed out..

Wish one of my brothers or guy friends had punched my ex a few times. He fucking deserves it..

But, jail and fines don't sound all that fun I guess..

I agree with hiring a PI. We used to exchange the kids at a convenience store, and I had called for a police escort a couple times so he would leave me alone. Then one time when I called, I asked the escort to hide a bit so my ex wouldn't think he was there.

And sure enough my ex got out and started berating me and cursing me out in front of the kids, and he wasn't happy when the cop came over and told him to fucking relax and calm down. I got the police report to show the judge how he had cursed in front of the kids, and it was just another weapon I used to destroy him in court..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2299 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that I'm not happy. I know that I really want to move on and in most aspects of my life I have.
I don't want the ex or POS in my life but it cannot be avoided. So I accept that I have to co parent with these deluded people.

I'm not happy because they refuse to act sensibly, rationally and decently. I've spent 14 months being decent and not pummelling his face in the dirt. I didn't murder him when I walked into my home and found him there. I know violence is not the solution and its ensured that the judge gave me a reasonable level of contact with my children but I could not keep ignoring his childish actions. Their anger doesn't make sense to me and I just want them to mellow and start thinking of the boys.

The Police still haven't turned up.

I can't stop her telling the boys stuff. I just have to be a great dad and let the boys see my actions and ratify them with her words.

I'm also hoping that the impending birth of grulet will distract them and give them focus elsewhere. It might even make them want to look forward instead of back. They simply won't have the energy to direct anger at me.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do know why they call it "bait"? And you bit - hook, line & sinker.

If you keep providing ammunition, you will end up getting shot.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stop her telling the boys stuff. I just have to be a great dad and let the boys see my actions and ratify them with her words.

Bingo. Good for you for letting go of any thoughts of CO-parenting. Now it's parallel parenting. Google it if you haven't..

<<<---- Dealing with parental alienation here too.

Just be the funnest, calmest, greatest dad you can be with them. Apologize when you have to for losing your temper.. Just be an example. Use your actions to teach them about life. Life is a struggle, but you keep going, work hard, live and learn.

Even with ALL the fuckery my ex has pulled, my kids and I still have the best time. They can tell he's a delusional asshat.

And your wife is a delusional asshat. Just teach your kids what "NORMAL" is as best you can. Point it out in other people.

I don't bash my ex personally, but you bet your ass I will criticize his behavior towards them whenever I have to. If he's lying to them, I tell them so, show proof if I have to, and try my best not to involve them further.

Have faith your kids will get it..

Sending prayers this blows over and you keep up the good fight..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2299 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the police were concerned, they wouldn't make an appointment and they especially wouldn't blow off an appointment.

A long time ago, back in a land far away where I was convinced my marriage was immune to infidelity, someone rammed their car into our garage. Turns out it was a 16-year-old girl who was running late for school, got herself confused and used our driveway to turn around.

Luckily, I got the license number as she was screeching her tires and speeding off. At that point, not knowing who or why, it was a pretty scary experience.

So... the policeman arrived, and I gave him the plate number and he ran it. And in the meantime, his only question was "are you having an affair with someone." I didn't take the question personally, obviously, but they get this stuff all the time. I guess I answered properly, because he then said do you know this person, reading off a name. I didn't. A couple of hours later, they called, explained the kid's story and asked if I would be willing to let them come over and apologize. They did, and their insurance covered it, and everything was OK.

In a rambling, long manner... yeah, this is a world where people still do beat the crap out of OMs. You were sorely provoked. You stood up for yourself. No one was hurt. You've learned it's not a good idea because you have something to lose. He learned that there are sometimes consequences to being a dick and provoking someone. He's yammering now, but I'd bet you gave him a good scare and he'll be a better behaved little pipsqueak from now on.

The police just want to know if you're actively seeking to hurt this guy. They can read between the lines. And they know their obligation is to serve and protect. But they can cut through the bullshit. They know what people look like after a big fight between people who really want to hurt each other.

And if there is a legal problem, just get a good lawyer. You'll be OK because no one was hurt.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure they ever stop acting crazy-- that's what they are.

BUT,,, for what it's worth, my friend told me her Dad never talked bad about her mom -- but the Mom was always ragging on the dad.

Anyway, she grew up loving her Dad and he lives 2 doors down from her now.

Every single time you have your kids you are showing them reality. I believe they will eventually follow your lead, and who knows, soon they may ask the judge to let them live with you!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2203 | Registered: Jan 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can categorically say that the Police are not concerned. POS hasn't claimed that he was punched or injured. Just 'pushing and shoving'. Even the officer on the phone didn't seem very interested. In addition, there are no witnesses and there is previous form by POS and eWW for wasting Police time. Even if they do turn up they cannot do a single thing.

Yes he baited me, and I took it this time. I saw red. It was a culmination of 14 months of horrific abuse and I boiled over. I still managed to restrain myself. I, too, hope that he will think twice next time. However, it's more likley that he will try harder in the hopes he can catch me doing something more serious and then get me arrested. It won't happen.

June 27th will be my legal retalliation.

All of my efforts to this point have been with the sole purpose of caring for my children in their home. I KNOW they are happy with me. Everyone can see it when we're together. I live for the day that they choose to stay with me. Once they become young teenagers there will be very little she can do about it, regardless of any court order.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 716 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
imaf
♀ Member
Member # 30916
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting that they haven't simply moved on and got on with life.

I donīt know your story allatsea. But from the outside it just seems to me they are A VERY UNHAPPY COUPLE. If not, what the hell is their problem??? As well as sick in the head for using the children...
It probably all comes down to their relationship not turning out to be what they expected, and of course it is all your fault! I mean after all, they are special, and were always meant for each other... it is just you spoiling the "happy picture".

Take care of yourself, don't let that stupid arse get you in trouble, for you and your kids sake.

((((((((((allatsea)))))))))


Left him because I didnīt like his other girlfriend.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jan 2011
notquiteoverit
♀ Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be very careful with these people. I suggest avoiding them as much as you can, and force yourself not to react to their BS. It is possibly you are being baited or set up for something. Losing it on the OM could get you into some serious problems, and give them leverage that you don't want them to have (i.e. custody, etc.)

Also, document these interactions - dates, times, any witnesses, etc. You never know when you might need this.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2011
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess... he is angry because your kids have overtaken his bachelor pad. From your signature it looks like you have 2 kids. I have 2 kids myself. They are loud, messy, yelling beasts! I love mine, they are my life. But if a woman I was screwing brought HER kids to my house and they ate my food, broke my stuff, watched cartoons on MY tv, demanded time from MY woman... OH YEAH... shit just got real. He didn't want your kids, he wanted your wife. He is NOT happy.

Wifey is angry at you because her OM is unhappy and blames it on you.


second--
there is absolutely no need for him to ever be around you. Drop off at the police station. Kids forget an instrument or homework, too bad. I would never ever go to his house again.

ever.


Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a sad story allatsea. Your wife made a unilateral decision, with the help of an accomplice, to bring pain, chaos and upheaval into your life.

Because you have children with her there is no way right now that you can totally eliminate her effect on your life, but you should do everything you can to minimize it before it destroys you. This incident could have turned very ugly, for you. Once you grab a POS like that, the desire to pummel him into a bloody heap must be almost overwhelming. I don't know how you managed to just wrestle around with him and not do more.

He is bothered by you, tremendously. I think for someone to engage in this type of behavior, he has to (at some level) hate himself. The world is full of wonderful relationship opportunities that one can come by honestly. He pursued a married woman. He chose to marry someone he already knows will cheat on her husband and dump him for a "better" opportunity (not better in reality, but in their skewed, foggy way of thinking). He damn well better find a way to keep her happy, which I suspect is mission impossible. No pressure there, right?

Excuse the amateur psychology, but there has to be some deep self-loathing in there somewhere. He doesn't think he deserves better than the craziness she has to offer.

As for you...he realizes that you have some things he'll never be able to take away from you - your character, honor and integrity. He may not have those things, but he knows them when he sees them in others. He wants badly, for reasons that may always remain a mystery, to drag you down into the muck where he and XWW live. He wants desperately to find something that will quell that nagging feeling that your XWW left a better man for him.

Don't give this clown any ammo. The best revenge you can get on both of them is to simply get out of their way and let them be with each other. And when the time is right, get your boys.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never ever ever talk to a police officer if you are a suspect...


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1494 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 66
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