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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Married the wrong person
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sad that my BS feels that I married the wrong person. She is the absolutely the best person I ever met and my choice to cheat on her was not because of her or because she was the wrong person for me. I know I married the right person, I just wasn't the right person for her in the past because of my unaddressed issues within myself.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my XH felt like he married the wrong person, and it was part of what made finding out I was a cheater so painful for him---he was very convinced, before that, that I was the *right* person.

Now, I think we both look at it differently. Any one of a number of people can be the "right person." Yes, compatibility and attraction are important...but IMO these can be cultivated. And certainly these things can be found among others.

IMO, it's more important to make the choice to make your spouse the right person, rather than the other way around (marrying them because they are). I don't know if that makes sense; it's not the most eloquent of days.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS certainly feels like she married the wrong person and I can't argue with her because the person she thought she was marrying turned out to be completely different than she thought I was. Life experience of all of my failures has changed me so much. If only she was able to meet me for the first time today.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Jan 2013
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Islesguy))))

I can read the sadness through your words.

right now she is going through so many emotions and all you can do is try and reassure her.

stay strong.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS feels the same way.

Hang in there brother.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to both of you.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Jan 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here - no stop sign

It took me a loooooooong time to accept that my WH didn't marry the wrong person, and I still have my days where I feel like I'm just someone he settled for.

My point here - for a long time, it wasn't just days, it was constant, and it hurt. Now, it's not so often, and not so bad. In fact, it's what I'd call 'infrequent'. So hang in there.

Time and consistent action are what works.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for saying that painfulpast.

I think my BH feels like I settled for him too. That is so wrong because he is amazing. And I know I inflicted that way of thinking on him.

It's really good to hear that it has gotten better for you with time and consistent work.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast - "It took me a loooooooong time to accept that my WH didn't marry the wrong person, and I still have my days where I feel like I'm just someone he settled for. "

Yep. It's been 2 years all but a few weeks and it's only recently I have been able to feel remotely confident that he is really with me out of choice not obligation and guilt. I tried to make myself feel that way but it wasn't real and any little setback or disagreement had me worrying and writing myself off.

Thankfully he realised fairly early on that was natural and that his actions made my reaction perfectly natural. He allowed me to voice these fears and he reassured me time and again.


Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
Mom-of-4
♀ Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 4 1/2 years out and still feel like I married the wrong person for me. Our lives are complicated now because we have 5 children, but if I had to do it over again, I would NEVER have married him or his family.


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you are going through and I am sorry. I just want you to know that you are heard.

As a SAWH, I had cheated on every single women I have had a relationship with, with the exception of two, and that was only because the opportunity didn't arise. My BW is an amazing woman, yet I harbor so much anger and animosity towards her and life in general. I know that she is the best person, the right person for me, and I know that she regrets ever knowing me.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 11

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