All your kind thoughts have meant a lot.
DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014
Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little
im so sorry!
[This message edited by william at 11:36 AM, May 16th (Friday)]
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
To say that I fell to pieces on Tuesday night would be true, and I'm only just starting to sort through the pieces. But I've finally felt able to post it here. It's funny how once you type it feels more real? Something that I've been avoiding.
Rewind back to Monday. I had an appointment with a family law solicitor from CAB. One of the main things I wanted to know about was my inheritance. Here's what I was advised.... As the only equity in the house is my inheritance I have to be careful. Basically the letter of promise that WH signed a few years ago, can be contested just like a prenup, so it's pretty much useless. We have no other equity. If he fights the divorce or fights for money, by the time we go through courts there will be nothing left. So we had to talk game play. Christ, I wish I could just trust my WH to at least leave his son with a home...but I guess he's proven trust is not his thing.
I went to the county court to collect the divorce papers. If I do all the paperwork, it's only £410. Here's where the game play comes in. Solicitors advice is to blind side him, with it all filled out, with me saying, you want out....here it is. I'm letting you go. No fuss. Clincher....do not name any of the women, on top of this holding up the process as all 3OW will have to sign a decree to their part in the infidelity, I can also use this as leverage....walk now, leaving me the house and my inheritance...I won't include them. The court will agree the divorce just by me saying "I can no longer live with WH due to WH having sexual relations with 3 unnamed women." Or words to that effect. I've got it written down somewhere...
I'm so conflicted over that, because I want the other BSs to know. I want his fantasy world to come crashing down. Hard. But, my mummy bear instincts are kicking in. If I do that, he's going to get pissed. He will have no where to go. He will then fight for anything he can get. I know him. He will. I can't have that. I have to protect my son first, and give him a stable home.
Fast forward to Tuesday. I found the photographs. Yes, to everyone who pleaded with me to record them, I did. I managed to do that before I even posted what I'd found. Mummy bear instincts....I knew it was evidence and that I didn't have long to record it. Along with the messages... Then I threw up. I should say, that he still doesn't know what I saw. Remember, I had a game play by now. How I pulled it together I will never know.
Fast forward to Friday. I went to IC and spent an hour practising how I would do this game play and what I would say. I then went to my inlaws. They have such a big part in DSs life, and they have been aware of what's going on, I wanted to warn them what would happen. I was kind of hoping that they would agree to take WH in, but that's not going to happen. WH has been disowned. How come I feel guilty about that, as though it's my fault? Now I see having to live with him while the divorce goes through. That is going to suck.
Fast forward to today. I've arranged for inlaws to have DS sleep over on Tuesday. It's the day I'm mentally preparing myself to give him the divorce papers. I'm barely sleeping with it going through my head. My heart is broken. But I know I can't live like this. My DS and I deserve better. Even if this shocked him out of the fog, or as I have said to a friend today, if it shocks his head of his arse, I think I have been treated with so little respect and regard, that I think I'd shove it back.
I can't believe how well ordered this post sounds. It's a far cry from what's going on in my head.
Thank you to all who were there that night, it made me feel not completely alone, and gave me the strength to carry on.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
How come I feel guilty about that, as though it's my fault?
Your heart may be broken but at least you have a heart. That's why you feel guilty. Stop that right now. Him being disowned is a consequence oh HIS actions. Though it does suck that they won't take him in.
My DS and I deserve better. Even if this shocked him out of the fog, or as I have said to a friend today, if it shocks his head of his arse, I think I have been treated with so little respect and regard, that I think I'd shove it back.
THIS^^^^ I like to see this attitude from you. The Mumma Bear has awoken.
I hope everything works out well Tue. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
And if you do want to inform the other BSs, did you ask the solicitor if it could be done anywhere in the process or after any sort of D was final?
Best of luck for Tuesday. Try to look after yourself (I'll be doing the same today and thinking of you).
They are no longer the people we married, are they? And that is heartbreaking
No, he is not. I look into his eyes and I see a stranger.
My H is gone.
This is what makes me cry.
I have every intention of telling the other BSs. I just can't, yet.
It sucks because I know there is a small, yes very small, chance that doing that may end the A and the fog. But he can't come first anymore. Neither can I. My son does.
I can't even pick up the pen.
Horrible thing to do, think of your beautiful son.
Love and strength, very proud of you and the way you are handling your personal hell.
Wish I was as brave
The upside of this is that you won't have him hovering & hoovering in your home. Either way it all plays out, this is going to bring more daylight on his situation(s) and throw his gearshift from 1st gear into 3rd or 4th. More time with OW should eventually dethrone him from his Prince Charming position to that of a mere mortal (or court jester) Morning breath, stinky bathrooms after a meal of burritos, that is the stuff reality is made of. And you know us women, we can be pretty irritating as well, just PMS alone gives us that right.
I know it will continue to be hard, but experience here on SI has shown us the best results seem to come when we come to our authenticity and are willing to lose our marriage. Sometimes they come back, sensing the change, the fog lifting. Other times they don't, but keep working on the 180 and you might not care if he gets an enlightenment.ORRRRRR maybe you can invite the 3 other hens to a viewing party of "The Other Woman" for some battle plans, the reviews say it's hilarious, better than Bridesmaids. Yeah Right, as if that'd ever happen hehe.
Best wishes, hang tough!
[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 5:28 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]
― Maya Angelou
I too saw pictures. They'll forever be burned in my mind.
It's just not that simple.
I've been sat here for an hour looking at the 8 pages that will end my marriage.
I can't even pick up the pen.
I can't even pick up the pen.
I know this is hard and one of the most painful experiences you will ever have in life. The reason you are going to pick up the pen, and hopefully you already have as that was hours ago, is that you know this is no longer just about you. You are a great mum. You should know that. Take your strength from your DS. Honestly, in my sitch, I have been drawing from my kids daily. Always getting stronger as I watch them.
You have now turned the lights on and the spotlight is showing brightly.
You can do this NICSWTLO! Lean on us for strength too. Post when you can and let us know how you are doing.
Pulling for you. You are stronger than you know.
Sending you strength and courage to get you through.