No R. D FILED.
I just saw your thread today and I am so sorry this is happening to you.
You have been receiving excellent advice and strategies. There is no finer group of women who have your best interests at heart, than the
warriors of SI.
I know you are saddened. That is only natural. I do want you to be prepared for the day in the future, when your WH comes to you. He will want to make a deal.
It will be right out of the movie, "The Godfather."
Remember what the godfather told Michael: "Be careful...whoever comes to you to make the deal...they are your enemy. Do not trust them."
I am paraphrasing, but you get my point.
When he comes to you...do not listen. He is not your friend. Do not allow him to attempt to broker a deal for himself. Let your lawyer talk for you. You have better things to do, as you have a baby to care for and a future to plan.
Whoever told you that the "two abortions" concept was a lie, has my agreement. I just don't believe you can even WANT a guy who does this to you TWICE. I don't want to generalize here, but I personally doubt it.
Oh and please don't think this 'super model type' was conned, conived or manipulated by your WH. She had the opportunity to SEE him for ten years. She knows exactly who and what he is and we know exactly what she is, too.
Concentrate on your baby, April. You are going to be fine. Kudos for getting that lawyer so quickly. Yes, you are a quick study and you are going to be just fine.
Unfortunately the pregnancies were true...When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.
This was just the tip of the iceberg of my XWH. I then found out he was on Craigs list chat rooms for sex, etc, etc. When I saw the 12,000 text messages between them,(subpoena issued by the judge) I felt my mind slip a gear!This was the very last straw before I walked into Charter. I suddenly thought,,, my mom would NEVER have to go thru something like this in her life and it's insane. absolutely insane. I realized then I had seen enough. I knew if I kept digging, it was going to be an even longer time to dig out.
What I learned at Charter is that if you do an outpatient deal its like a year of counseling! (6 hours a day x 10 days = 60 hours! more than counseling 1x a week for a year.
In my group were 5 wives plus me. A cop. An older man whose grandson died. 1 woman who suddenly had a breakdown -- too much stress - was a triathlete, and a woman who had fallen at home and it gave her wierd dreams --- I'm assuming she had had a seizure or something. THen there were 2 girls there who were there after their drug treatment program ended. -- this is like a drug treatment facility in one building and outpatient in another building.
Basically, everyone was "normal" just had all this happen to them and it was overwhelming. My insurance paid almost all of it, and they let me pay out the deductible... remember they have to run these places and alot of people have NO insurance, so at least they know they are getting paid something from your ins company.
THis was during my divorce and my counselor said it would look GOOD in my divorce, NOT bad if I got help for this whole situation. It was never brought up though, because I never told my WH I went. I knew I had to go to survive! I had been thru too much for a normal person to bear - and XWH was only with her for 1 year -- you have 10 years to deal with. You are strong. You can do this.
One last thing,,, your newborn is being cared for and that is the main thing right now. If your baby were a 2 year old they might be like all wheres' my mama, but as long as loving hands are holding your child, he/she is fine. I know because I am an adopted child. I wasn't adopted til I was 6 weeks, but I was held by loving hands during those 6 weeks and then by a loving family the rest of my life. Your baby will be ok now with your family helping you while you sort thru this mess.
Put on your oxygen mask. Do what your counselor tells you to do.
No Contact with your WS = no new hurts. He and the OW DO NOT GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU. Shields up we say here. They cannot help you to process everything.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:50 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Well, he served me first... don't ask me how that happened. Probably race against the clocks with the lawyers, but doesnt matter, he won't come out on top. Unfortunately (or fortunately), OW did not take him when he went to her.
The business of him serving first: It could be that since you threw him out and shut the door, he thought that he could have his plan B and go to her. In order to make it look to OW that she is in fact the love of his life, he would have to do the “Oh, thank God for that, I’m out of that marriage, now we can be together my darling!!!” even though he was being insincere. Or he may have served first as an act of running away from the problem. IOW, get it over with already. And no, he won’t come out on top.
OW not taking him in could be another scene in their fantasy film. She wants him to prove by crawling over cut glass that she really is the love of his life and he will do anything for her. This is how their life has been – her saying “enough, please leave me alone” and then him telling her how much he loved her, blah blah crap. That’s often the way LTA’s work, like a pendulum or a Newton’s cradle. But whether or not he is with OW doesn’t matter.
Our savings is joint, and that all looks in tact
I should change my number.
Again, she sent emails from him saying he made the worst mistake ever.
When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.
Read about the 180 repeatedly until it becomes your normal response to any contact from that fucktard who used to be your husband.
Emotional abuse IS domestic violence. Shields up. Protect yourself. IF he goes to get some sort of help, let him. Stay out of it. Watch, but do not get back involved with him/his thoughts/ his nothing for at least a year of solid recovery.
He will never go to therapy, and there is no way I will ever be involved romantically with him again. Fucker!
NO WAY IN HELL IS THAT TRUE!
Re-read what you wrote...
These people are revolting. Despicable. Foul and fetid. You are like a shining white light, blazing out before them.
They have absolutely no idea what love is. They are missing all the values that love requires: kindness, consideration, respect, responsibility, faithfulness, loyalty, integrity...etc
You have had a lucky escape. Congratulations. Wipe the shite off your dress and dance into your future. Kiss your beautiful baby, you really are going to be fine. There is a man out there that epitomises those values and he will love you and your child with his whole heart.
April, 10 years is a long time to remain with someone who is "second best". He could have walked away years ago but didn't. He has actually used you both in different ways. He was getting off on having the security of a marriage with you and a "bit on the side" which is all she is.
The fantasy of being together will be over soon. Once she has had the thrill of picking up his skid marked underpants and sweaty socks more than twice, the sexiness of it all will greatly diminish.
He is with her now because like you have said, he has no other options. God forbid if he should have to spend a few days on his own without his ego being fed. She is basically his crutch. How romantic?
You will be angry, devastated and absolutely shattered for some time. It is a natural process but a bloody hideous thing to go through - believe me I know as we all do on SI. The upside is that you will (in time) move through the various stages of grief and come out the other side with your integrity and soul still intact which is something neither he or the OW will have EVER.
A quick word of advice - involve his family as little as possible unless they are offering unconditional support. I have found that blood is thicker than morals when the WS family finds out what a piece of shit their son/daughter/brother/sister actually is. I was married for 25 years and my ex H's mother went into total denial about her son's behavior despite receiving unconditional love from me for all those years. Unless your SIL is going to rally round and support you with everything you need to get you through these early days, I would suggest you tell her to fuck off next time she comes up with the latest newsflash on her brother's appalling behavior.
What is he doing about his baby son? Is he intending on being involved with him on a regular basis? It absolutely stuns me that all he can think about is shacking up with this OW when he is losing the greatest gift of all.
Please continue to get counselling and if necessary get some anti-depressants if it enables you to cope right now. It is what is best for you and your baby that counts.
You have a lot of people on your side here. Please be gentle on yourself. You have so much going for you.
Well, it's unfortunately his house so I am in process of finding an apartment for the interim.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Custody, support, spousal support, property division, visitation, health insurance are the REAL issues. Not who gets Aunt Tilly's china figurine collection (unless its a true valuable antique), or how much dog custody/visitation he gets.
The house may have been acquired by him before marriage, but that doesn't mean its automatically his sole and separate property.
I also noticed that you might be having a hard time wrapping your mind around this affair without believing he must have loved her. Let me clear this up for you. The love he gave her...and the love he gave you...is that the definition of love you'd give someone? Nope...because it wasn't love. Love isn't cruel and deceptive. It's not bred in the dark. It's admirable and honest. If he had come to you very early on as a man and told you he needed to be with her...that would be "love" but he did not. He gave her "love crumbs". That is not love...but you'll see...when you actually experience REAL love...and you will.