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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cheated on me for 10 years..
Better4it
♂ Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi April,

It's obviouse to me that you're a very strong woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I see a woman who is doing the best she can during a very dark time in her life. You are grieving the end of your marriage. And as if that weren't enough you're dealing with postpartum. None of these things you asked for. You WILL make it through this. When you're ready then you can begin to bond with your baby. Just keep seeing your IC and continue going through the motions. You really will be ok. You're going to come out of this dark time a better friend, companion and mom.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sucks!! No, no compassion for her... she can have him and their kid, and all that comes with him. Hey, maybe she will change him... but tigers never change their stripes.

I am only thankful for her in that she told me, because he was NEVER going to. Fucker


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

April, I know you can't see this now, but, I promise you, in a few years you are going to be so KickAss (your superhero name ). You are going to wonder what you ever saw in DoucheBagTigerStripes.

You are going to be an amazing mother, you are going to be happy. Your son is going to be happy and love you so much.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree-- it was actually a co-worker. She was like omg you have a new baby, you can't get divorced
Well he filed, he moved in with OW and she is 14 weeks preggers. Ask your co-worker how would SHE deal with all that?!! Thoughtless people need to be ignored. You are coping better than most. You had the good sense to protect your baby. You know this will take time and you know what depression can do. You have taken steps to protect and love him by having your folks care for him during this crisis.

You know reading your post it is obvious the OW is damaged. The rape, the bad M, the two abortions, the need to send you all that info so he would leave and fulfill his promises. She may be beautiful on the outside, but she is very insecure. He sounds like a KISA and is truly a coward. He could have faced you and acted like a man and told you he needed a divorce for whatever reasons. But no, I think he like having your both.

Find your new normal, you will recover and be a stronger person. It will take time, it always does, but it will happen for you. You must believe us. Recovery may be slow but it happens, almost without you realizing it at times.

Don't be envious of them. Look what she had to do to you to get her supposed "happiness". Also the pregnancy is a means to try and hold them together. As you know from experience, having a baby for him is meaningless. He is simply a sperm donor. I don't foresee happy ever after for them. The fantasy of being together full time is just that a fantasy. Reality will be their downfall. Happily when that happens you will be on the mend, moving on to bright days with a beautiful son. (And when you look at your son, see the parts of YOU in him, don't dwell on the poor father he has).


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2941 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what makes me sad about my H. He knew this girl was damaged, and he took advantage of that and came to her "rescue", and now she is clearly damaged again. It's just a very sad situation for all involved. I have set up boundaries with people that I have chosen to tell and told them to not give me their opinions because they are NOT in my situation.
I will be a strong enough person to one day wish them the best, but not right now, right now my heart is hurting too much. Mornings are awful for me. Hopefully the anger will kick in soon.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knew this girl was damaged, and he took advantage of that and came to her "rescue", and now she is clearly damaged again. It's just a very sad situation for all involved.
He sounds as if he has been very controlling and very manipulative. She will never be truly happy as long as her has control over her. It’s as if he is playing a very cruel game. And you are well out of it.

Honey, make your own life now. As you say, people do NOT know your situation and certainly have no business making crass comments. Things are so very raw for you at the moment and you will be hurt by the things people say. And remarks that are not intended to cause you pain will do. Try to keep to family and those you trust to look after you and your son. You will survive this. Take each day at a time. As the legal wheels begin to turn, you will find a way to emotionally divorce your WH too. And one day, they won’t matter anymore.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3443 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a very controlling person, but I never played into that with him, so he had to find someone else to control. It all makes perfect sense.

I am praying for the day he doesn't occupy my every thought from morning until night because right now, it's sheer torture.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, please tell me this all gets better, and that my decision to divorce was absolutely the best choice. He doesn't want me back--at all... but I have been reading about people reconciling--but we never had a chance to do that because of the longevity of his affair... it wasnt a blip, it was a conscious decision to have a girlfriend while he was dating/engaged and married to me. Please tell me you all would do the same thing. Im so heartbroken


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It absolutely does get better. You'll even get to a point where you look back and think "what the hell was I thinking"


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. I would do the exact thing that you are doing. You and your baby deserve better. That cheater that you married has robbed you of enough happy times. Remember all the bad times. Review your life with him in your head and take comfort that you are doing what is right for YOU and your CHILD. In a few years time, this will all be a bad memory and you will be happy. You sound like a very nice person and I know, without a doubt, you deserve to be happy and you will be.

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

So terribly sorry to hear what that piece of moving sh-t has done to you and your dear baby. I cannot express how furious reading your thread me and how I can feel hate towards him.

I completely agree that divorcing such a sociopath is by far the best thing you can do for yourself and for your son! Honestly, that way you're giving yourself and your son the best odds to truly be happy again soon.

And while the betrayal I suffered was in different circumstances, in my experience it gets better. I thought I would never come close to being happy again, I was a zombie, I started drinking, I often broke down on crowded streets to cry, could barely function at work etc. But with time, it got better, I started to enjoy life again, I even fell in love again (she didn't reciprocate, but it felt great to be in love with someone new, someone much more normal than my ex:)), I worked on my childhood issues and all in all I grew a lot.

I don't know you, but from what you've written here, you seem very smart, tough (to be functioning and writing here and still fighting for yourself and your boy), very funny (I laughed at what you've written in some posts),..., and I'm very optimistic that in due time, you will be much happier than you ever were before, enjoying life with your son, family and friends. And in due time, you will be ready to cautiously open your heart to someone new. And considering your good qualities that are immediately visible from your posts here to all of us, a lot of normal/good guys will be happy for a chance of dating you. But whether you'll meet someone new or not, you will be much much much happier in life than you've ever been without that anchor made out of feces hung around your neck.

He's a monster. Hopefully, he will soon be preoccupied with his new victims and he will leave you and your son alone, so he will pay the CS, but leave you alone. And you will learn how to protect yourself from ever being hurt by him, and you will never ever have to directly exchange another word with him (maybe have your sister act as the middle person for any messages from and to him).

I can only imagine how hard it is for you. But right now you've been metaphorically punched and are struggling to get off the ground. But you are fighting, you are getting back on your feet. And we're all so proud of you for doing so great!

And don't feel bad about not spending a lot of time with your boy now - as long as your family can help you with him, take this time to get back on your feet, and then you will do a great job of being with him more often. And even now, all that you're doing now, is helping your son! You are taking care of yourself, you're coping with trauma in a healthy manner, and that's the best thing you can do for your son at this moment.

Hope to hear lots more from you! Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 151 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm very pro-marriage in general, if both parties are willing to work at it, but this guy sounds shady from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. I don't know how you could ever trust him after this. This is your new beginning and your chance for a life without his lies and filth in it.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hobbes, you made me cry, thanks. Lol. I guess I am in the “fake it until you make it” mentality. But I can’t fake being a good mother right now, and that’s why the baby is with my parents. He is a terrible person, but I still cant shake off the thoughts of people telling me to not throw in the towel yet. I am sorry, but even if he was truly, truly remorseful, how would I EVER be able to get past ten years of unfaithfulness. Literally our entire relationship and 4.5 years of marriage were a lie! I don’t think anyone would be able to get over that. He really is a monster, but now the monster found his mate. I hope in time I can get my child again, and eventually learn to love someone else. Memories are so hard to erase, but all the memories we created has her in the background… how shitty is that.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's having twins with OW. Great. My kid is going to be pushed to the wayside. Oh, wait for it...he's engaged. Okay I am pain shopping and fb stalking, but the ring is about 3 times the size as mine and their picture together is of course blissfully happy. Cute little baby bump and giant ring. So here I am, drinking wine and having Ben and Jerrys. To top this all off, he's willing to give me whatever because he wants this done ASAP when our three month waiting period is up. Lovely. Okay off to the tub of ice cream I go. Ps. I recommend the "core" flavors...dear lord it is good!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Better4it
♂ Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi April,

Not sure you feel it yet but I can tell you're starting to get past your soon to be exWH. Keep writing and dealing with your pain. The sooner you get past this drama the sooner you'll get to live life you were meant to live. If you need to FB stalk then stalk. I did the same thing trying to see exactly what my WW saw in the OM. The only thing I saw was the huge nose on the end of his bitter beer face lol! But I found that after awhile I got tired of the negative feelings and depression. It's almost as if you're desensitizing yourself of the trauma.

I encourage you to keep posting and getting the anger out and in the open. Keep seeing your IC. One day you're going to wake up and realize this is all behind you and you'll realize you can be happy again.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
theroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

April,

They're engaged already? And twins?? Yeah, that will most likely throw their little fantasyland relationship right into the real world. Nothing like 2 screaming babies all night to shake up their "perfect" world. Sit back and grab the popcorn.

Your baby is going to grow up feeling so much love. Your family has been helping you take care of your little one and no doubt they will continue to be a big part of your child's life.

Maybe it's a good thing that he wants to get this over as quickly as possible. It seems like he won't fight you over stuff so use it to your advantage and try to get as much out of the divorce as possible.

You are a beautiful, smart, and strong woman. You will come out of this and things will be better. It will take time, yes, but you have so much going for you. I imagine a great future for you and your baby.

I'm pretty sure most of us do the FB stalking thing, especially in the beginning. If that's what you need right now than do it.


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

April:

I am so sorry.

You are in shock.

Can you call a counselor for someone to talk to. Or a pastor or someone who can offer objective advice.

Also, please see an attorney pronto. You need to lock down your bank accounts.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 979 | Registered: May 2014
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better4It: I wish I felt like I was starting to get past him. I still have the constant chest pains, but this is a situation I cannot change, and I just have to keep telling myself that. And I have to keep telling myself that anyone in their right mind would be doing what I am doing. HAHA! I wish I could pick something ugly about her appearance, but her ugly soul makes up for it.

Theroadahead; Yup! I guess his SIL was right when she told me they were going to get engaged. I have a giant tub-sized cosco popcorn and I can sit back and watch, but something tells me they are going to be happy. I was never meant to be with him, he always wanted her… I hate social media! BUT without it I wouldn’t have been able to receive such evidence against my H. Oh well. He will fight me over his pension, and frankly, he can have it. I don’t need anything from him but CS. I don’t even want this stupid house.

Seethelight: Hi, yes I am in IC and the divorce has already been filed. We are now in the “waiting period” ONLY 10 MORE WEEKS TO GO. Ugh.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Better4it
♂ Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

April,

I know it's always easier to be the one to hand our the advice. Just keep moving forward. Keep posting here on SI. Adventually you'll get to a place where you'll be sick and tired of letting WH have any more control over your life. That day is coming soon I promise you. Are you still seeing IC?


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am. I've been with her for 3.5 years and she is wonderful. I need to move past him, and I have moved past wanting to be with him because there is not a shot in hell, but it's letting go of all the tainted memories...and knowing he's going to be involved with my son, and my son is going to have 2 half-siblings. I am sure they will be a lovely blended family, and I wont deny my son knowing them AT ALL, it just still hurts.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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