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User Topic: Cheated on me for 10 years..
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Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

April, I just now read your entire thread and my heart totally breaks for you!
I wish I could hug you in real life and assure you that it WON'T ALWAYS HURT LIKE THIS... I PROMISE! But sadly I know it takes time. And that time seems like forever in the beginning. You are still so fresh in your discovery and the shock. Your case is a truly terrible one. Your WH is NOT remorseful at all and the length of his double life is just so psychotic to us normal-minded folks. That's why we can't possibly wrap our heads around it!
Double that with just going thru the physical trauma of pregnancy and birthing a child and no wonder you have the dark thoughts of hopelessness.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, know that some dark thoughts, even thoughts or feelings of wanting to die are normal for many of us, you HAVE TO BE STRONG in remembering that these feelings WILL GO AWAY! They are all part of the raging emotional roller coaster caused by such a soul crushing act like infidelity.
I've had those dark thoughts on many occasions and have even gone as far as googling suicide websites as well. Oddly enough, by some miracle, a Jehovah's witness came to my door and totally distracted me, and even comforted me, back into reality. I had two beautiful boys to live for at that time (I'm now 4 yrs out from that DDay) and I fought hard to crush those dark thoughts and remind myself that it wouldn't always hurt so effing bad. There's no way possible for our minds to not find a way to eventually cope and adapt! I convinced myself of that long enough to fight to live for my babies until I relearned to live for myself once again. And guess what?
Everyone here on SI was right! The pain really does subside! I find joy in my life again. I love my boys and am sooo glad I stayed and fought thru the pain for them! And now, any day, my newest son will be born! I'm excited to have another great love in my life to add to my joy. Not gonna lie. You never forget the pain, but it won't always run so deep and won't always ruin or interfere with your life. You will find yourself not even thinking about it for days, and eventually weeks or months at a time. I'm glad I'm not naive like I once was. I will never trust blindly again but that's ok. I have a new normal and I still feel insecure at times, but I appreciate the joys in life much more knowing how dark life once was.
You WILL smile.
You WILL laugh.
You WILL feel genuine peace and happiness again!
It just takes that dreaded four letter word... TIME.
And I love what a poster commented a ways back about you getting you were second choice. I forgot to copy it, but I'll paraphrase it the best I can... You being second choice to your sociopathic WH =dodging a bullet! Remember his thought processes are NOT NORMAL! You can't comprehend his choices bc they are totally skewed by his severe brokenness.
I'm sorry but I wish I could gouge his eyeballs out for ya! Yours is a truly messed up stbxh. You will survive and learn to breathe again!
You will be get better. Promise!

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 4:37 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]

By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi April, I've just read through your entire post, I'm so very sorry.

You will feel better than you do right now, I promise that. It may seem like you're stuck in a dark tunnel right now, but you will come to the end of it, and be in a much better place.

Not wanting to add further to your trouble, but, have you had some sort of legally enforceable temporary custody agreement drawn up?

This man is such a master manipulator, I personally wouldn't trust him with the family cat, let alone your son.

If not, do so. I'd hate to read that he's taken your son for a "visit" and decided to keep him, especially if he is aware of your current and fully understandable, fragile state. He could claim that you are unable to care for him right now, hence the reason he's not with you.

Just my thoughts on reading of his actions to date, I could be completely wrong.

As for your lawyer, my dear girl, considering who it is your up against, you need a true pit-bull, a shark, someone who takes no prisoners.

The OW, she's nothing, she was only ever something on the side while he married you, he is a monster. Their life will implode, it has only ever been based on what they couldn't have, and now that they can, well, the thrill will wear off quick smart. One could almost pity her in any other situation, that she should feel that the right thing to do is stay with a man who has demanded her abort her babies.... and he'd do this same this time, if they were still hiding their messed up connection, I can't even bring myself to call it a relationship.

You're truly better off out of it, they deserve each other, I'm just so very sorry that it has come with so much pain for you.

Hugs honey, lots and lots of hugs.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a ball-less sack of shit. He is a sociopath. I am so sorry that you are here. I haven't read through all the posts yet but just wanted to tell you that YOU WILL BE FINE!! You will grieve the man you thought you married and your marriage. Then you will heal. Lastly, you will be on your way to an amazing life.

His shitty cowardly behavior is a reflection of him. If he blames one ounce of his bullshit on you, he truly is an all time loser.

She can have your crumbs. You don't need him.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2299 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweet April - your broken heart will heal but the process is so gradual it's sometimes difficult to recognize your progress.

Lean back into the support of your loving safety net and work hard hard hard at not letting your horrible WH or his soulless girlfriend have any headspace.

You might want to read Susan Elliott's Getting Past Your Breakup. Early on, when all I could do was shiver and projectile vomit, I clutched that book like a lifeline. Really, some mornings it wake holding to my chest. It is the perfect read when you can hardly breathe.

BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe

Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
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Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how hard it is to think straight at this time. That is because you are dealing with a sociopath -- maybe 2 of them.

They may or may not work out in the long run, he may or may not pick up your son as agreed on in the long run... SO,,, just stay in the day.

Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2321 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


In exchange for me giving 50/50, he is willing to buy me out of the house (as long as I do not touch his pension). I have NO clue what to do, and this nightmare is becoming more and more like a fucking neverending saga. The attorney said I cannot put a clause in which prohibits his OW to seeing my kid, as she has no criminal record, has a great job, and it engaged to that dick.

Get the number from his pension and a realtor before you make a decision.

Custody should not be bought. How often has he visited the baby, spent time etc. document document everything. When he called regarding the baby, when he saw the baby, what condition the baby was returned, was his diaper clean, spit up everywhere/ diaper rash.

You CAN put in a morality clause in your decree. He will likely ignore it as your son is so young. I would add it anyway. If this marriage ends, you don't want your son being exposed to his revolving bedroom door. Be aware that any clause in your decree, you will also have to abide by.

Also any funds he spent on her while married to you are 1/2 yours including the ring she is wearing. Ask in your discovery about the cost.

Has he bought anything for his son since he left? Keep a record of everything.

My XH wanted to marry ow right after our divorce was final. In Florida there is a waiting period that can be waived. XH wanted it waived. I charged him $1500 cash (I did not trust him enough to take a check) for my signature. They applied for their marriage license the next day.

10 years later, they are still married. They both travel for business with each issues much. He has no relationship with one DD and hasn't seen our DGD in over a year. Other DDs are in touch, one by text only. Other 2 only when necessary. He has no relationship with his family (sister and parents).

It gets better, even if they stay together, your life will be filled with love, grace, respect and authentic humans who truly care about your well-being and love your son.

He is a speed bump on your road of life. She's the road kill. Keep on driving.

More hugs,

[This message edited by Kajem at 7:56 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BreatheAgain: I hope you’re right. It feels like the hurt will last for the rest of my life. You’re absolutely correct, I cant get over the longevity of it at all. The dark thoughts have subsided. I need to be here for my baby, and that’s the only thing that I need to focus on at the momeny. I am so happy that you are welcoming a new baby soon! I wake up and it’s the first thing on my mind. I am looking forward to going back to work soon that way I am fully occupied. I look forward to a day when I can take in the beauty of the world, because now I just see it as hell. I would love to gouge out his eyeballs! Trust me!!

Hardyards: My lawyers and I are working on the temporary custody agreement, and looks like it’s going to be every other weekend and one during the week (when he is off). Thankfully he loves his job more than anything, so he would never do anything to sacrifice losing it. I wish I could feel the OW was nothing, but he met her 10 years ago while him and I were broken up (not yet married), and she left him, which is the only reason he married me, but he always wanted her, so it is not a typical OW story—I wish it was!

Dmari: I am lol’ing at the ball-less sack of shit. I have heard some great monikers to define him. He better not even try to blame ANYTHING on me, I will kill him.

Self: Thank you so much, and I will completely look into that book. If it worked wonders for you, I will definitely have to give it a whirl. Thank you for the suggestion.

Homewrecked: I think he defines sociopath…but I think even that would give him too much credit.

Kajem: He has agreed to not do 50/50. I will still not touch his pension though. I don’t want it AT ALL. Everytime he has seen the baby, the baby comes back fully clean, happy and well fed. He (fortunately and unfortunately) is doing a great job in that regard. I found out that the ring is actually an heirloom ring, so I can’t touch that. I am sorry that your X doesn’t have a great relationship with his children. The quickness in which they rush to the alter for another marriage is insanity. Ha! I like your analogy! Thanks for the hugs 

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw them... I saw them out having dinner while I was waiting at the bar for my friend. They didn't see me. They looked incredibly happy. He held her hand across the dinner table (something he never did with me), and she looked gorgeous with her cute baby bump. I've come to accept the fact that this isn't just another OW. It was a relationship, with love and feelings and everything. He always wanted her and married me because she wasn't available. I can't get over seeing his smile towards her. He just never looked that happy with me...

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shared custody with my kids ( now grown) and it was very, very difficult for young kids. What about offering joint legal custody with primary residence with you?

I am big on fathers being involved but I wonder if 50/50 will still be as attractive to him when he has two more newborns to care for.

Sorry ^ I just re- read and saw he agreed not to do 50/50. I was willing to place bets his OW wouldn't be into caring for 3 infants.

I think you are doing great, April. I do feel sort of sad for this OW, her AP who was supposedly in love with her, convinced her to have TWO abortions. She got pregnant again and wanted her babies. She had to out him to you, otherwise she knows he wouldn't have left. Pity a woman who needs a man that badly.

I wonder if you can stay with your parents, and baby. I feed he may try to scoop him if he can prove you are not caring for him.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 9:40 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 248 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
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Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he loved her, why did he put her through so much? I think he did have a relationship with her, but not a normal one. I think by having him out of your life, you have a chance of a normal happy relationship with a person who will not put the woman in thus life through so much, like he's done to both of you. I think if she went back to him after two abortions, she cannot be completely happy, somewhere it must rankle, somewhere its dysfunctional and you are now farther away from that. Hugss

Posts: 312 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he has retracted his wish for 50/50. I also think he realized that his work schedule doesn't really allow for that to happen, as his days constantly rotate and he may work some days instead of midnights.

It's all just a mess. Something is honestly telling me that HE is the one that wanted her to out him to me. I couldn't forgive someone who went behind my back like she did, and now they are engaged? It just doesn't make any sense.

Thankfully, I am getting my son back this week full-time, but I will be going back to work shortly, so he will be with my parents at my home.

I am glad he's out of my life, but I just cant grasp how he has moved on so quickly. The thought of being with someone right now terrifies me.

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((April))) I've been following you story - and I'm so so sorry. A few things really jumped out at me...

saw them... I saw them out having dinner while I was waiting at the bar for my friend. They didn't see me. They looked incredibly happy

Don't go there. Really, don't. Your WH is about as messed up as any I've seen. He's not a good person -- he's treated the OW like crap for YEARS and she's taken it. In that snap shot in time they may have seemed to happy -- but they aren't - they CAN'T be. Who they are right now, they aren't capable of a really, lasting, healthy, committed relationship. You know this in your head - don't let your heart tell you differently.

(on a personal note - I remember feeling similar re: my XWH and Owife - but it was all BS - which even he admits at this point.)

I couldn't forgive someone who went behind my back like she did, and now they are engaged? It just doesn't make any sense.

It won't make sense. Don't try and ascribe things you would think/feel to the situation, because his thinking - and hers - is seriously disordered. It's not "normal" people thinking - so "normal" people reactions don't apply.

I'm so sorry about the custody. I'm glad he's backed off of the 50/50.

Know that you will be ok, and your child will be Ok. It is horrible and traumatic, but there is light at the end of that tunnel.

"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08

Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wish I never saw them. I know that they can't have a normal relationship, but at the end of the day, we didn't either. He probably doesnt even know what normal is.

It's just hard to believe they wont be happy when he has wanted to be with her for ten years, and only married me because she got married. That's what stings.

Thank god he's backed off with the custody...i can't even think how all of this is going to play out. Only 2 more months left until our court date.

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he appears happy because she always knew about you. You never knew about her. He probably felt guilty and couldn't handle an R with you because of the crime he committed with you, the huge betrayal. She seems broken and needy and knows it all and willing to put up with it all. That must be a relief. I mean he obviously thought you were worth not leaving for because he convinced her to have two abortions. He could have left at those times instead. Bur he stayed instead. Somewhere he knew were a better person or not as needy.the only way he can live with this betrayal of ten years is to hide behind someone who can overlook that or his partner in crime. You are clearly a stronger, more honorable person here, just be your own friend and always remember that this nonsense is nothing to do with you at all. Its about two broken pieces who are trying to be whole, and you will find another person maybe later who won't need to be fixed at all, he will be whole and normal and happy. Hugs.

Posts: 312 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really feel like my life is a soap opera. I saw his sister today. She approached me and literally destroyed me even more than I could be. I didn't do anything wrong, why do they hate me so much? She said I better not do anything to jeopardize her brother, he is happy and to leave him alone. I haven't done anything! !!! I've come to believe that God truly hates me and just wants me to suffer. I surrender, I give up. There is nothing left for me. How cruel can these people be?

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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Member # 18641
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Four words: they are all assholes.

"We two form a multitude!" glad we ditched the skank!!

Posts: 199 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
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Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I've read most of your posts about your situation and I feel so badly for you. They may have looked "happy" when you saw them, but the happiness won't last forever. Guarantee you.

The reason is because it sounds like he has some sociopathic traits and she probably does, too. They deserve one another.

My ex is a sociopath, too. I didn't fully realize how "off" he was until D day. I got out of that marriage immediately. He remarried and at first I thought of how unfair it was that he should end up happy. But the truth is, people like that are never really happy.

You will be happy one day. It takes a while to get through what you've gone through, but you will one day find yourself wondering what you ever saw in him. Big hugs!

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Oct 2008
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Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: his sister.

Get a RO for the whole damn family if you can. Go NC, block them in all avenues.

You say there's nothing wrong with him? The whole family likely has a deep dysfunction because normal families don't act like this. They're just good at the facade.

When it comes to custody the 50/50 likely came from the fact that fathers, even ones earning less than the mothers, are expected to contribute to supporting their child. Usually 50/50 means no CS.

I suggest you get a shark if your current lawyer isn't fighting for you and your son. You have proof this man entered into the M fraudulently. He should be leaving with no more than he came in with. You have proof that he wanted your son aborted, that he has said he doesn't want your son. Use that. I know you're trying to be fair but you can't be. Not when it comes to your child. What if he M OW and they decide that 50/50 works because stepmom can watch your son while he's in work?

Your son needs to know he's got someone who has his back. At most he has an ambivalent father. You are more than capable to make up for the deficit. They may "only" have adultery but they are unstable. Well adjusted people don't do this. There's a reason fairy tales end after the wedding. When the drama fades and the stress sets in, they will look for their fix. You and your DS don't want to be in their sites.

Use the information you have, the proof that he entered the M fraudulently. That he didn't want your DS. Protect yourself and your baby. You've been assuming a lot about the OW because of the manipulating your STBXWH did. The fact is, she chose this. She knew about you and your baby and still chose to cheat. To be a WW and an OW. Three pregnancies in 10yrs? "Accidental" I'm sure...typical OW manipulating. When it didn't work, she outed the A. She knew you better than your STBXWH did. She knew you don't need him.

Because you would feel bad about the abortions, you put that on her. Don't. None of her actions show that, even if her words did. People like her use pregnancies as a manipulation tool. She is a perfect fit for your worm of a STBXWH.

Take the pain and use it to fight. You need to look ahead, even further than 18yrs, and make sure your DS is predominately in a stable home rather than with those two.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11275 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
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Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if I could get an annulment based on the fraudulent marriage. He was cheating on me going into the marriage, and shortly after the marriage. I really need to stop sulking and get my shit together. I can't drown myself in sorrow thinking they are happy, and honestly, if they are truly happy, best of luck. I know my H is way too stubborn to ever admit that he is unhappy.

What does everyone think of the annulment route? Would it make my child illegitimate? That is something I don't want. But that would only be in the eyes of the court, not in my heart. Please help

Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
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Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read Holly-Isis response again. Over and over. Great advice. You need to put your bitch boots on, and be ready to kick him as hard as you can, for your own sake as well as your sweet baby's.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this trauma at a time in your life that should be so special. Use the hurt, pain, anger, and whatever else you are feeling to propel yourself forward to the life you deserve.

As far as an annulment, it sounds like you have a good case.

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 998 | Registered: Aug 2011
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