[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:01 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
All I see is the good side - the wonderful kind caring generous sweet romantic - which is why this is such a shock.
[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 9:43 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.
He has attended his first SA session and says he's serious about getting better. He says he is also seeking therapy which is a good sign for him. It's the first time we really had an honest conversation about his sickness. He knows what he has to do and his remorseful about what he had done to me and our family. I just hope he follows through. I did tell him that I have witnessed first hand the love and kindness that he has, and the goodness inside. That's why this is so hard. He was my rock. I have also witnessed the "Demon".
I know that I can't do this for him. I have decided this is something he has to start on his own and find his path. It doesn't mean I don't Love him but I just can't go there right now. I feel if he is really serious he will do it for himself. Like so many of us on here we have all heard it before. I have read, wept and decided as much as I want this to be true, too many lies have tainted my belief in him and this sickness makes them lie so easily to get what they want. It's now his turn to get better and prove otherwise to me. In the meantime, I have to focus on me. I am the one that is broken right now and finding it hard as well. I think everything has caught up. So much has happened in a short time. I think I have hit the wall. Now I need rest. My body and soul are in dire need of attention.
He, himself is fine with women in the meetings, but admits is can be very uncomfortable for these women because of the derogatory relationships they place themselves in ('duh! weren't you doing the same... hello!!!) I wouldn't worry about women per se, but I would be vigilant about any emotional attachments... women can see help/kindness as something to latch onto.
You are doing enough right now just being supportive and handling your own emotions, take that off the table "IF" you can.
It's interesting to read about those of you who had spouses who were giving even when acting out. H was so distant and selfish that the way he is now in recovery is shocking to me. It makes me sad to see how much I put up with over the years.
But, I find that it's helping me with my fears going forward. I'm starting to trust myself again. I know what the red flags are now and I will no longer ignore them. And I've realized that living in fear just isn't worth it. My health has been taking a hit, and it's been a wake up call that I wasn't on the right path.
Hearing about the good/bad sides of the SA, makes me realize why so many of us, myself included, stay instead of leaving.
I so love and desire to be with the good side and am hopeful, that the help we are getting from SA & S-Anon will turn the string that holds us together into a rope making us stronger.
So, why am I struggling to not text him? I know he's done unforgivable things. I know he still hasn't shown true remorse. I hear the shadows of blame shifting, justification and minimizing every time he talks to me about anything important. He's still more interested in preserving his false front than he is in real intimacy.
Argh, I know this is the right thing to do. He's not fighting me on it, probably the most selfless thing he's done in years. How do I harden my heart the way I need to? Sorry, this is just a kind of venting I guess. My heart and mind are at war and it's getting very loud in here.
I do totally understand about the heart being at war with the mind. It's the most difficult thing and one I think we will struggle with for a while. It's not easy to distance yourself from Love even though they have hurt you at times it seems beyond repair.
My thought is that we want some control over that behaviour. Sometimes we think by texting or calling it will make a difference in the big scheme of things. But at the end of the day it just adds more fuel to the fire because we never get the answers that calm our soul. We wonder what they are doing when they are not with us..... which if you let it can start to drive you crazy. Not a good place to be and we have all been there. I'm there RIGHT now but if he was here it would be now better.
We miss them Only, We Love them. But only they can change and if they make the right changes then things can start to happen. Not everyone can get through this living together. I personally, can't see how everyone has done it so it's a personal choice that works for some on here and for others they stay and just get more of the same crap.
Follow your gut and take care of you right now. This has taken a lot out of you and you need to heal.
Going back from June of last year Hundreds of calls to escort agencies, and those private adds usually about a 1-2 min long. There were a couple of the private that were on there a few times so to me it look like they were setting a date. Thousands of texts to those skanky girls on backpage. Some texts were non stop the whole time he should have been working. WTF!
I read some but picked out Valentines Day 2014. He bought me flowers, I went for a massage and Physio. He texted constantly the whole time I was gone and contacted 6 escort agencies. The texting started up again on his way to work and was non stop until he walked In the door all exhausted from working all night .
So this pretty much in my mind sealed this sick deal I had going on. How F'd up can a person be to need so much stimulation and game playing. And btw, I got no action when he came home that night on Vday because he was so pooped from working . How f'ing cruel is that. Had I known I would have pulled my vibrator down and had my own little party
He is sick on so many levels. The thing is, I don't think he's actually meeting these women as much as he is talking and chatting with them because they are strangers and he can say what he wants. I would always try to push a little dirty talk and he couldn't do it. I guess I was the good girl and he couldn't do that with his good girl.
Then I told him I loved our sex life but not because he was amazing in bed. That threw him for a loop. I told him I now understand why he was selfish in certain areas and I had to finish the job for me. He got a little pissed. Fact is fact. I told him now I get it. He had always been used to paying for it and having it done the way he desired. He never had to satisfy a women. He did what I asked but it didn't come naturally. I'm the first relationship he's had in 20 years. He has never been in love. This I know from his family and friends as well.
He says he's now doing SA and wants to get a therapist. I sure hope he does because this is bad shit and I can't see any good coming from it. I'm feeling better now. Tomorrow my be different but thanks for letting me put it out there. I did send him a nasty text. I'm glad he's not living with me any more or we would be at each other's throats. I hope everyone is having a good weekend and getting a break from all of this shit. Tomorrow is my birthday and I plan on doing something nice for me and my daughter. That's my first step to being good to myself in 2 weeks.
I recenly dug up his personal checking bank statements. I found several calls to an 800 number the totals of these calls was over $1500. I knew he was into phone sex, but thought it was from CL people. The pay calls stopped about a year and a half ago. Maybe he forgot about doing that. I told him last night that he needs to work with his CSAT on full disclosure. I need to know how my life was a lie. When I brought up "how much mone was spent" he said he spent no money. I told him I knew he was lying and I will not tolerate it anymore. I did not reveal the proof.
I want to see if he can come clean on his own. This may be codependant of me, but I see it more as a guage of what direction my life will go. I have a plan for myself, and deep down I want to stay together, but I have to be sure the lying will stop.
Also I know what one poster means about good memories being tainted by the realization of their sick double life. It hurts and seems never ending.
What is EMDR? I've seen it a few times, but don't know the meaning.
It can be intense, but it is such quick relief that I found it worth the effort!! I did a few sessions, each about an hour long within a week of each other. I think I did groups of sessions three or four times. It was a huge help with the pain and PTSD.
Have any of you had your WH diagnosed with Madonna - Whore Complex?
Hi Quiet! My SAWH was diagnosed with this. If I can help you in any way please let me know! For me it was a surreal discovery; made this SA "stuff" even more complex.
It's not hard for me, because mine is afraid to come around and have any kind of questions thrown at him especially after me seeing the phone records . I'm going to my for S-Anon meeting tonight to get some therapy for me. I don't want to go through life with this tainted view on men and relationships whether I get into another one or not at this point. I don't want to drag this with me.
Let me know how you are doing. Feel free to pm me. I'm sending you strength, hope and a little peace
At what point does the CSAT come up with a "treatment plan"?
Is it common for the CSAT to want to interview/meet with the spouse?
For an SA, is twice a month enough?
Is full disclosure a vital part of SA recovery, or is it determined as a case by case basis?
I welcome any thoughts or shares about CSAT experience. My husband has gone four times now, but it seems the process is slow. I do not see him doing any reading. He does go to SAA once a week, and has not missed at all, but for some reason I get the feeling that more should be done by now. I am fairly certain he is not acting out, and hasn't since Feburary 28. He now works from home and I have monitored his cell phone and computer usage. We are together or with the kids 100% of the time. I am glad he is finally taking his SA seriously, but still feel that he should be more vested in the process and "working the steps" of SAA.