We went to New Hampshire for the Memorial Day Weekend to visit my aunt and her husband. They live way up in the mountains of Wilmot. The drive took about 7 hours to get there. My SA husband was very rude to my aunt. He wouldn't even come out of the bed room. I was so angry at him for this because he was ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend. We argued about it, and then we talked about it. As it turns out, he felt offended by my aunt because when she addressed my husband and I she seems to only address me. It made him feel unwelcome, when in reality she has always been that way with all of my significant others. It isn't that she isn't welcoming them, its that she's so used to dealing with me and being that we are so close to each other, she often says "my niece" this and "my niece that" or "are you ready for this?" as opposed to are you BOTH ready for this. I had to explain to my husband that its just the way she's been and it doesn't mean she isn't welcoming him. Needless to say it got a little better on Sunday, but my aunt was rather disappointed about Saturday. She was hurt actually. So next year it'll just be me flying over to see her without the negative energy.
The day we left and went home, he got angry at me because I do the same thing that my aunt does. Its never "we" or "our" or "us". Its always "me" or "mine". This is true. He felt like we were separate in our marriage. That's when I told him that honestly we've been separate since he told me he fucked a few hoes and shit all over our vows. However, he's right...I do say me and mine and not us and ours. I've done that for years. It started out with just me not feeling like I deserved what was his because he paid for everything. Then when I started working I just got used to it. So we made a compromise and I told him I would work on the we, our bit, but I would want nothing to do with the condo we live in as I never felt like it was "ours", but more like "his". I hate the place anyway. The head of the board is a fucking Nazi bully who no one will EVER vote out because they fear him. That's really how I feel about him. *sighs*. My husband understood.
So...the marriage isn't just falling apart over his addiction, I have my own shit, too. I don't take any blame when it comes to his addiction, but I also know that I got my own shit that I need to work on. I'm OK with that. I acknowledge that. And I go to CoSA tonight to share about it. It'll do me some good.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The other day I did some research into old bank records and found he had been spending money on an 800 sex line a few years ago. He never mentioned this. All I know of his acting out I found myself, mostly by accident, some by digging. I know there is more he hasn't told me. I let him know that full disclosure is absolutely necessary for us to even try to R. He was quiet and moody after I said that. I hope he with the help of the CSAT he works on this. I need to know what went on and to what extent. It is the only way I can move on. I don't want TT. I want it to be said and done so we can work on R for real.
I insisted he step it up. I had just had it with "let go and let god." I was tired of spending my whole life waiting.
He got a new sponsor, one that was more accessible to him and we began to use Milton Magness's book to guide what I knew about his recovery. It was still entirely up to him, but he was now sharing with me, on a weekly basis, some of his recovery work, in a general way. I suggest you get a copy of his book STOP SEX ADDICTION. It gives you a framework for a weekly checkin, done by the addict, to keep the spouse in the loop.
It was about this time that we started MC. I really don't suggest you start this until he has a considerable amount of recovery under his belt.
It was VERY frustrating to me that his recovery work was so slow. I am a fix it person. If you know what the problem is, figure out the solution, and FIX it! Problem solved! It took me awhile to understand that recovery is not as simple as all that. While he can hear all the solutions, even implement them, but he has developed all that bad thinking over a lifetime. It takes a fair amount of time to fix that bad thinking, really fix it. He heard all the words, read all the literature, even worked the steps. (By the way, NO ONE works the steps only once, this is a LIFELONG PROCESS, done again and again) But to really fix the thinking is simply a matter of time. He wasn't ready to fix it all at once, he just had to keep plugging away.
So, his BEHAVIOR has to change immediately. He has to be transparent, sober, work on patience, etc. But the wrong thinking, basic attitude takes time. That's why attendance at SA meetings is essential.
For myself, I hate checking up and I know that this work is his to accomplish, but at the same time I am like you, I want things to be fixed! Rollercoaster, this is indeed.
His EA/Sex phone partner contacted him on his birthday via text. Her number is on the "spam" list and I check it regularly. I saw that she sent a text that day saying "happy birthday" and another one a few days before that I couldn't read for some reason. The message was there but it couldn't be retrieved. It showed the message size, but when I tried to open it, it wouldn't open. Not sure if this is due to the spam setting or what. Either way I texted her from my phone basically telling her that her number was on block to his phone and when she tries to contact him, I get notified. I also said she was silly and to please stop. I am confident he did not know of these messages and know for a fact he did not respond (at least from his phone).
Anyway, we are recently back from a family vacation AKA Fantasy Land and reality is rearing it's ugly head. We had a good time with our kids ( the trip was to celebrate their birthdays), but now the fun is done and work is ahead of each of us.
I may need more support in the coming weeks. We are coming to our 90 day mark where we both agreed would be evaluation time. I hope it is easier on me than DD #...I forget now...LOL
Thanks again to SK, and everyone else that shares and supports here. Much love and luck to us all.
I hope everyone is doing okay!
I'm finding right now that H is having trouble with dealing my pain. Found something new in his email just today. It's an old conversation, but it brought up all those old feelings.
He came home for lunch so we can talk. He's having a really stressful week at work, so I was really grateful. But I can tell that drudging up the past is wearing on him. It's wearing on me too! But if he had given me a detailed outline in the beginning, I feel I wouldn't have to keep dealing with this in little bits.
What I found really wasn't so bad, in the grand picture, I suppose. Another emotional affair, which he denies was an affair. He sees now that it was inappropriate, but he still thinks it was nothing compared to everything else.
Maybe he's right. But it still hurts. They shared their art together. Much of it sex related art. Of course I had no idea back then that he was also a part of an art group back then. He didn't want me to see the type of art he was drawing.
But he is a different person today. He knows he's in the program for life. So I get that it's hard for him to go back to things that he has let go of long ago. I don't know how to navigate this sometimes. Do I start keeping my pain to myself? It's frustrating.
My impresssion is, if you are asking us, you need to talk about it with him. He has to learn to accept it, and know it won't always be as bad as long as he continues to be patient and open.
Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.
Some days I wonder if I keep the pain to myself so I won't push him away. But he caused this and if he can't deal, there's not much I can do about that. I'd like to get to the place where I can keep the triggers to myself because it's what's best for both of us (and not just best for him).
Please put yourself first, practice self care, detach as much as possible. You really cannot control his actions.
This is a shit sandwich no doubt.
SK, just noticed your new signature. Happy belated birthday!
In his mind, he was trying to spare me more pain. But he sees now that I was sensing that he was holding back and in my fearful state, made it into a big thing.
There was only one other real life person (I choose not to know about every anonymous webcam girl over the last decade). She very quickly shut him down, telling him that he was married and him chatting with her was inappropriate.
And my faith in humanity is restored just a little bit with that information. I wish I could contact her and thank her for her sanity and boundaries. It's a welcome feeling after the pain and hatred I felt for the other two women.
Living with an addict IS isolating. A SA is doubly isolating. It's part of the disease. Please reach out, not just here, although I don't want to minimize the value of SI, it's my safe place, but IRL. My RL friends don't know all my drama, but know some of it, and I need them too.