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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll reiterate what I said to Whatgives re STDs - they have No Fucking Idea. I talked about this with SAWH at the weekend and again last night and he's silent. He knows that I know that he's had unprotected sex with others whilst in our relationship, he tried to deny it at first (of course), until I pointed out that I had the black and white proof - then silence, no apology, no nothing.

And on the subject of sex - he swears black and blue that he's been "on the wagon" for three months or so and tbh my spidey senses have been remarkably quiet, so who knows? And coincidentally(?) our once frequent sex life has dried up completely. It's hard to take...


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kayaker - did you go to the meeting? My turn tonight, not sure what to expect, but have plenty of tissues


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle-I did go. There were 8 of us. I was welcomed as a Newcomer. Everyone introduced themselves by first name only. They started by going around the table reading off a sheet about the meeting guidelines and how the support works. Then the leader read a passage in a book pertaining to the theme of this meeting. It was on shame and guilt. Folks individually shared their connection with shame and guilt in the context of living around alcoholism. There is no cross chat when someone is talking, or when they are finished, just listening.
The last 10 minutes are saved for the newcomer to speak only if they feel comfortable. I spoke briefly, said the addiction was something other than alcohol.
When leaving 2 women gave me lovely long silent hugs. Cue the tissues.
Newcomers are encouraged to go to 6 meetings around town, to give it a chance, some are large meetings some small.
It is a very open, warm setting. From the heart stories of their struggles, and in the silence everyone is holding them in their pain. I was able to relate and substitute the addiction.
I will go again.
all the best to you tonight.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Lifeshattered, I can relate! Most of our M was completely sexless. We tried to resume a healthy sex life after about 9 months after he started recovery. It was too much for him. He just can't do it without bringing lust into it, and he started acting a little insane again.
So, we're back to no sex. We do try to build real intimacy though, and we try to hug and kiss often. I still have no idea if we'll ever have a healthy relationship in that respect.

@Kayaker, congrats on going to a meeting!

@Sparkle, good luck on your first one tonight!


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Kayaker. As you hadn't said anything earlier, I was wondering if you'd gone. It sounds much as I'd hoped, although I was starting to feel a little nervous about this evening, but you've reassured me

Three years to the day since D-Day #1 for me, so this is more than overdue. That said, I'm in surprisingly good shape today, so hopefully wont snivel too much and actually be able to hear what people are saying lol


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sadone

It wasn't until recently that it crossed my mind that sex with me might be a trigger for him to act out. So I started watching his behaviour after we'd had sex and lo and behold, the SA appeared to ramp up again Which may have something to do with us NOT having sex at the moment (our sex life conked out at about the time he appears to have stopped acting out), I wonder if he is conscious that it may be a trigger? I can see why SAs in a programme do the 90 day abstinence now.

I'm a very "sexual" person, high sex drive, I love sexual intimacy with my husband and it's something I know I have to think about very carefully, should there be a "going forward" (yo-yo-ing on that front right now). How can anyone relax and make love, wondering if their WS is consequently going to be drumming up an escort booking the next day? THAT'S if our sex life recovers in the first place

That said, after some very frank discussions recently, we seem to be getting some non-sexual intimacy back and I'm pleased, although very, very wary.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to my first S-anon meeting tonight.

It's all so surreal. I keep thinking about what I thought my life was 3 months ago. I went with him to his third SA meeting last night and he thanked me. I reminded him that I vowed for better or worse and I keep my vows.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
lifeshattered
♀ New Member
Member # 43123
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadone29 - I hadn't thought of the lust problem for him. Right now sex is not an problem as he is being totally celibate as part of his SA program and has told me if I never want to have sex with him again he is perfectly willing to be celibate the rest of his life. I fear that is not really possible and I'm not sure after 11 years of forced celibacy on me that I want to live my life as a born again virgin!
Still trying to wrap my mind around the 33 years of whores and knowing that I never even entered in to the equation in my SAWH head. It was a totally separate life.
So hurt, so sad...


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadiemae, I hope it goes well!


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a true intimate relationship is tricky, isn't it? I remember early in s-anon someone told me to think of SA as being like alcoholism. I know that I can't go out there and have a drink and stop there. I tried that for many years. And so the only answer is to not drink anything.
So, what do we do if celibacy is the only answer? SA does allow sex with a spouse, but what if it does lead to them relapsing? It's something that's on my mind often.
One thing is clear. If celibacy is a deal breaker for the spouse, then it is and we have every right to our own boundaries. I know it's difficult to face the possibility of that reality. There are so many questions around it. How long do we wait to fully know if it is or isn't a deal breaker? And if you already know, how long do you wait around to see if sex does become a possibility for the SA?

So many things to face and deal with.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 1:33 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last 10 minutes are saved for the newcomer to speak only if they feel comfortable. I spoke briefly, said the addiction was something other than alcohol.
When leaving 2 women gave me lovely long silent hugs. Cue the tissues.
Awwww! I'm glad you found support.

Hugs all around on the damage to our sex lives. There always seems to be so much focus on the SA's sex life. I always wanted to say, "What about me?? What about MY sex life? It was nearly obliterated! And I love sex, too!"

I'm divorced and no where near ready to trust again. I'm staying in therapy for a long time. I get it now why it takes so many years to recover. I think my nasty divorce was a detour from the recovery process though, as it was a big (stressful) distraction.


Posts: 1275 | Registered: Aug 2010
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Outta)))))))) I know this is a terribly hard decision for you. Hoping for your serenity going forward.
I'm holding you in the **********LIGHT**********

SK


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3668 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((outta)))))))))

I missed your post, so sorry!!

I wish I could give you a real life hug.

edited to add: you are on my prayer list for tonight. Wishing you some comfort and serenity.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 3:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much! I would have lost what remains of my sanity a long time ago had I not found this group. I don't really know what I'm doing but, for the first time in years, I know that I can do better. I'm pretty low maintenance but, even sluggard's have their standards...right?

Prayers appreciated and words of encouragement make all the difference.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked H last night what his favorite memory of us is. "Ah..we have SO many wonderful memories" Ok, which one then?....nothing.

(((Outta)))
About a week before the Big D-Day nearly three years ago, I asked my STBX what he even liked about me. I asked it because I knew something was up again, and he seemed incapable of making a SPECIFIC statement about me or our marriage. Like:

Me: Does this tankini look okay in the back?
Him, distracted: You're beautiful.
Me: Really? How?
Him: Ummmmm. Your eyes. Your, ummmm, hair.

or

Him: I love you and I'm so sorry for everything I've done.
Me: Really? Why do you love me?
Him: Ummmmm. You're such a GOOD PERSON.

I really think it's part of the disease (addiction or mental illness). It seems to take up so much room after a while that it shuts down anything normal or good.

********((((((((((Outta))))))))))))************

I know how hard this is. You're very brave. Keep moving forward.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hope but, I feel anything but brave. I feel scared, lost, (insert negative emotion here). We have been round and round tonight and it is dizzying! Hope, I think you nailed it with the mental illness. It is mind bending how what you say is not at all what they hear. He keeps telling me I'm giving off negative mojo. No shit Sherlock!

I think I'm almost angrier at myself than I am at him. I can get away from him but, I can't get away from me. I don't know what I'm stepping off into but, I figure it can't get any worse...please tell me I'm right!

I was planning to go Friday to open my own bank account but, just hot a call from my girlfriend who wants to take me to The Big Easy this weekend. It would be rude to turn her down, right?

I haven't said the words yet but, I know he feels it. I think I'm going to wait until our MC in a couple of weeks so that we will have a referee otherwise don't have a master plan on how to do this. I figure if I can get thru this it has to be brighter on the other side of hell.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's exciting to see so many of you seeking out support! I hope your first experience is as beneficial as mine was. Letting down my guard and sharing my story was incredibly therapeutic and the fellowship I feel there now--after 6 months--just keeps getting stronger. What's more, some of those slogans do pop into my head and bring me comfort. May you all have a similarly positive group experience!

Sex is so different now, isn't it? 8 years ago, when my WH was first diagnosed, we were abstinent for 6 months. Had it been necessary, we'd have gone longer. Sex--when we started up again--was more intimate and wonderful than ever!

After that, all seemed well for the first 4 years or so. Then, little by little, he started slipping, stopped going to counseling, lost his sponsor to a move, then stopped attending group meetings. Sometime in the next 4 years, he had a couple EAs (no protestations of love, no sexting, just building a new relationship whilst neglecting ours), discovered atheism ("not that there's anything wrong with that" ), slipped--despite meds--deeply into depression, then started a new slide off the wagon. And this fall was hard--PA, escorts, prostitute, hook-up sites, etc. A few months before his A started, he also started experiencing ED for the first time (not "cured" by the new sex partners).

Since his return to therapy (not a CSAT but an addiction specialist), we haven't been abstinent by design, but have been almost by accident. We've had sex 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 months. And because we're both vested in his maintaining an erection, neither of us has been all too worried about MY pleasure. Not sure what I think of that because I just realized it. This may be unusual for a SA, but he's almost always been mindful of my needs, too. Just not recently because of these new ED developments. Obviously, we need to talk. Sigh.

Luckily for me, he's very tactile, and we touch a lot. I do feel loved. He's so focused on not acting out and on trying to wrap his mind around FOO issues and on surviving the shame of his actions these past two years that I'm almost an afterthought. But, again, we connect with hugging and cuddling and texting and hair playing and hand holding, so . . . Hope some of those comfort you, too. I know they help me stay sane and they give me hope.

My WH's AP just contacted him on Friday. He hasn't been schooled in how to handle something like that (he's not on SI), but he did OK. He ended the convo in 2-3 minutes, he asked her nothing, he immediately added the phone she used to her other blocked number, he unenrolled from a conference she was coming to town to attend, he told me the moment I got home from work, he realized the next time he gets an unknown caller from that state, he should let voicemail screen it--all these solutions were ones he came up with before ever telling me about the call. Decent. Of course, I'd like him to immediately hang up but her company works with his, and he must be professional. All I suggested is that he work on polite disinterest. No smiles when greeting. No acknowledgement of her other than what must be observed for the rest of the team. He's already disengaged himself from group meals whenever work meetings put them together (3-4 times a year?). I said, "She's really not your friend," to which he heartily agreed. We both think her M must be ending and she called to "fish." Freaks me out. And, he confessed, it does him, too. It took him a LONG time to unfog.

So the rollercoaster of love and drama and hope and distrust continues. Some days the ride is pretty sweet; some days, it just nauseates me. :( I thank my lucky stars for all of you who know exactly what I'm talking about!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 10:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta:

hoping this works:


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again Hope. I need all the strength I can get. Today reminded me of the days after dday. I struggled to get out of bed and I'm struggling to get ready for work. I'm supposed to be there in 4 minutes and I haven't left the house yet. I'm getting stronger tho and I'm going to be ok. It just might take me w while to realize it!

Have a good day ladies! Peace to us all.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what I'm stepping off into but, I figure it can't get any worse...please tell me I'm right!
The peace I feel at knowing my X isn't in my life anymore is priceless. I do still feel sorry for him and pray for him, but I can't fix him.

I was planning to go Friday to open my own bank account
Have you seen an attorney yet? Try and get yourself financially secure before you take action that tips him off.
I figure if I can get thru this it has to be brighter on the other side of hell.
When I wake up in the morning now, I don't have the painful pit in my stomach. For years I woke to that, wondering what new TT or pain would occur that day. I think this is the other side of hell! I hope things go well for you when you make the changes.


Posts: 1275 | Registered: Aug 2010
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