I think I've just run out of tears. Not one drop shed today. Just got to keep my chin up and get on with it, I guess.
Tempting to get roaring drunk (a rarity), but I must be getting old, cos I can't face a hangover
The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995
Can't sleep now
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
Our 37th anniversary is Tuesday.
I don't post often, mostly because I don't know what to say. But I read your words and feel your feelings. There are too many of us in this world. The most abundant casualty in this nether-world is trust. Our trust in our spouse is shattered, in friends who knew (not my case, but in many) but mostly the trust we have in ourselves is the death-shot. We can move on in our marriage by reconciling or away from it in divorce, we can distance ourselves from toxic friends, but every night when we lay our head down, we wonder if we will ever trust ourselves with the innocence as we did before DD1.
As I read through this thread, i am struck by how insightful, intelligent, caring, and analytical you all are. How thoughtful and patient. And how thoroughly taken for granted we've all been.
I know sex addiction is this whole complex yada yada FOO foggy whatever. Barf. It's just a fancy way to say the guy acted like an asshole, fucked around, and treated his wife like shit.
I read all of your posts and since I'm on the outside I feel like I can see more clearly, and I just want to tell each of you to walk through the door and shut it behind you. There is life out there. Self respect. Laughter. Happy moments that aren't tinged with sadness and thoughts of painful truths unseen but painted by our imaginations in brighter colors than our own real memories.
It seems so clear from here. But in my own life, he lied and cheated and tried to make me think I was crazy and paranoid, and then when I caught him, he hit me. And I haven't shut the door completely. So who's the fool?
I sent him this text the other day: you don't get to have other women when you have a woman. You pick ONE. and you treat her like gold because you're damn lucky to have found someone to love and be loved by. If you think you can cage her up while you go "date" you're an asshole and you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life.
Fwiw, were about 2.5 months past DDay. He's doing well, very remorseful, going to IC with his CSAT weekly. Been to a few meetings. Says all the right things. Very supportive. But without a time machine it's just not enough.
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
It's good that you're focusing on yourself, re school, work, etc. I think that's really healthy and can be a life saver.
My latest stress is that the bills from my involuntary transport to the hospital (abusive cop after a suicide call by my ex) on DDay are starting to come in. I've gotten 2 bills so far and they total over $1000 and I will be DAMNED if I'm going to pay them. I was dragged to that ambulance in handcuffs, protesting and being mocked by the asshole cops. I will not pay one red cent of those bills, and I fear that I may have to go to court over it. Just thinking about it right now retraumatizes me. My heart is racing and I'm breaking out in a cold sweat. Why is this happening????
I'm awake because I love him and miss him, because I'm really hurting, really mad at him for being so weak, mad at him because he'll go on the defensive, instead of fighting for us, because I know I've got to be super strong (and I will be), I know I've now got to move house and uproot my children...again. And because I'm mad at myself for not hating him.
describes exactly how I feel, too. I'm not at the moving out/on stage, but I do empathize with all the rest of it. It's likely all of us do. And we deserve to be safe. We do.
Suzukideb, way to be a woman!!! I'm so happy for you and all you're accomplishing. I feel like I burst out of my cocoon, too, after finding out about my husband's acting out 18 months ago. There aren't as many high-profile events as yours, but every step--no matter how small--that put me "first" or "equal" was figuratively huge!
Ruby, I remember your story and am so sorry that the bills are now adding additional trauma to the original insult after injury event. It's another example of the "life's not fair" narrative that laces itself through all of our stories. It's real, it's devastating, it's heart-breaking, it's expensive, it's humiliating, it's just. so. wrong. No matter what, though, you will make it through this. You are strong enough--even if you can't beat a broken system. Don't let a potential loss in that particular battle convince you you've lost the war. Fight it, certainly, but prepare yourself for whatever comes of it.
Yes, there are far too many of us here and it seems to be increasing rapidly. Can there really be so many addicts out there? Most of whom are in complete denial, putting their habit before everyone else? How sad
Trying to console myself with the fact that since he's not here, I didn't have to listen to the football on the radio this evening. Every cloud...
Going to try and get some sleep, only managed 2 hours last night, pooped now.
(((Peace and light to you lovely gals)))
[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 5:25 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]
We are racking them up over here. The H has the SA, depression (appears to be totally treated with medication and I think reached clinical levels only when he first acted out/confessed/etc), and it seems almost certain ADHD (he is scheduling diagnostic appointments but took online test and it basically lit up like a xmas tree). He also has a tendency toward anxiety but I don't think it would reach the level of an anxiety disorder.
Oh, I forgot intimacy disorder!
I can't help but feel very discouraged that this is so, so much to tackle. He is now going to be starting ADD coaching and probably meds for that at least in the short-term.
I just feel like this is if not hopeless at least a very uphill and long battle with little satisfaction for me for a looooong time . . .
What are your views of when the disorders, number or severity, become too much?
[This message edited by cds22 at 9:26 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]
Not sure if I quoted correctly, but here are my thoughts.
I think most sa have a cornucopia of problems. Patrick Carnes talks about it in his books and our mc (also a sa therapist) talks about it. Some of the problems are related to the addiction as in intimacy disorder. If they address their sa, they will get better in this area. There isn't a sa out there who doesn't have an intimacy disorder. Does that make sense?
My wh is also an alcoholic, so we have that hanging over our heads. If he addresses his sa, his alcohol addiction will improve and same w/ addressing his alcoholism. They are connected.
As for depression and add, I think for sure the depression will improve once the addiction is addressed. Years ago, I saw an addictions "expert" and she said no recovery can happen during an active addiction. It's like working on marital intimacy while an affair is happening. Can't happen.
So all this to say I think there is a lot of hope once the addiction is addressed and it's very commmon to have a variety of issues. And for another one to pop up once acting out in an area stops....as in my wh quit drinking and then his sa took off (in secret) even worse. I do think he was an sa since before even meeting me, but he didn't act out as much etc. I don't know what is too much for one person. But I do have hope for myself to get well in spite of what my sa is doing. It might mean getting well apart from him, but so far he is doing the deal. Who knows how long it will last.
Did it help? I still feel strongly emotionally attached to my SAWH. I know there's no hope. Between his egregious acts and pathological lying all trust is gone. He's still not in recovery and is in denial about his alcoholism. He's still lying and it's killing me.
We were planning on holding off on divorce until I can get retrained and employed (SAHM for 16 years). I felt I needed to remain on his insurance. I'm still in love with the asshole.
Some part of me thinks that as long as we're married there's hope. My mind knows that's not true, but it's been hell trying to convince my heart. I'm thinking it might be easier to move on if we're divorced. What do you guys think?
I remember spending a long holiday weekend rationalizing with myself about how we should and could stay married, despite all the years of lying and disrespect.
It boiled down to this: I had to divorce him to get my self-respect back.
It was difficult and took a long time because once I pulled the plug he ran off and dove into the single life with a vengeance, and it took for-ev-er to get him to the negotiating table.
I've chosen to be celibate ever since, and believe it or not it is a lifestyle that gives me the space I need to heal and grow, to find that person I was before getting so entangled with such a toxic individual.
I felt lost for a really long time, but now it's year six and I'm settling into a groove that I really enjoy. My life now is ALL ABOUT ME.
Now your scenario is very different, with not having worked for a long time, and I don't know what the laws are about spousal support where you live, but to me the journey has been worth the heartache.
I do feel that the experience of surviving infidelity with an undiagnosed SA (he refused counselling, too terrified to face his issues) has damaged me, the scars are deep and I'll always carry them. But you can live a good life from here on out, regardless of whether you partner up with someone or not.
I had my 55th birthday a week after he moved out.
Big hugs. This shit is hard...
[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:58 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]