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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies. I'm ok - strangely calm in fact. He's staying out of house for tonight at least and I'm reasonably chilled. Reading a book with my mutt sat in SAWH's seat on the sofa next to me (she's normally banned from sofas lol!).

I think I've just run out of tears. Not one drop shed today. Just got to keep my chin up and get on with it, I guess.

Tempting to get roaring drunk (a rarity), but I must be getting old, cos I can't face a hangover


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle. So sorry to hear you got landed with the "again. Lots of empathy here. And hugs.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Kayaker. I didn't expect anything less from him really. I love him so much, but I can't let him hurt me any more.

Can't sleep now


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hot milk???


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not enough milk! No car and my boy's sleeping anyway. Gonna be a long night...


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm awake because I love him and miss him, because I'm really hurting, really mad at him for being so weak, mad at him because he'll go on the defensive, instead of fighting for us, because I know I've got to be super strong (and I will be), I know I've now got to move house and uproot my children...again. And because I'm mad at myself for not hating him.

Grrrrrr


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending special prayers your way tonight, Sparkle. This is the one moment in time many of us fear, finally making the decision. Many on here have already been there and not only survived, but blossomed. Know that you have many people thinking of you and your children tonight.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Sparkle - I see I'm going to have to buy a phone card. I will message you. This makes me so sad

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Law just passed last night here in Canada making it illegal to buy sex. Likely fines not jail time but perhaps some spouses will be alerted earlier that this is present in their lives.
I dunno. Just pondering.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
fyrebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sparkle, so sorry.

outta,

Our 37th anniversary is Tuesday.
our 7th anniversary is Tuesday as well.

I don't post often, mostly because I don't know what to say. But I read your words and feel your feelings. There are too many of us in this world. The most abundant casualty in this nether-world is trust. Our trust in our spouse is shattered, in friends who knew (not my case, but in many) but mostly the trust we have in ourselves is the death-shot. We can move on in our marriage by reconciling or away from it in divorce, we can distance ourselves from toxic friends, but every night when we lay our head down, we wonder if we will ever trust ourselves with the innocence as we did before DD1.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Rubyrain
♀ New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies, first post for me after a big break. Outta and Sparkle, I'm sorry for where you are but happy for you if you're really getting out.

As I read through this thread, i am struck by how insightful, intelligent, caring, and analytical you all are. How thoughtful and patient. And how thoroughly taken for granted we've all been.

I know sex addiction is this whole complex yada yada FOO foggy whatever. Barf. It's just a fancy way to say the guy acted like an asshole, fucked around, and treated his wife like shit.

I read all of your posts and since I'm on the outside I feel like I can see more clearly, and I just want to tell each of you to walk through the door and shut it behind you. There is life out there. Self respect. Laughter. Happy moments that aren't tinged with sadness and thoughts of painful truths unseen but painted by our imaginations in brighter colors than our own real memories.

It seems so clear from here. But in my own life, he lied and cheated and tried to make me think I was crazy and paranoid, and then when I caught him, he hit me. And I haven't shut the door completely. So who's the fool?

I sent him this text the other day: you don't get to have other women when you have a woman. You pick ONE. and you treat her like gold because you're damn lucky to have found someone to love and be loved by. If you think you can cage her up while you go "date" you're an asshole and you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life.

Fwiw, were about 2.5 months past DDay. He's doing well, very remorseful, going to IC with his CSAT weekly. Been to a few meetings. Says all the right things. Very supportive. But without a time machine it's just not enough.


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
suzukideb
♀ Member
Member # 4423
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been awhile but today is a good day. I have been continuing to read in the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners can Cope and Heal". Triggers have been huge issue for me. Silly things such as yellow cars, public parks, or girls in their 20's. I have been doing a lot of negative self talk, letting the "movie" play in my head over and over. I am understanding more about relational trauma. My first marriage ended after an affair I discovered my husbands affair that he would not end. A few years later, because I was still looking for answers to why or a real confession I got into one of his email accounts and learned that he was meeting with men, cheating on his affair partner with men and women. He was/is a sex addict too. I did not know it back then but now I do. Things are making more sense. After I learned that my ex was with men I knew it was not about me so I let it go but, I never dealt with the relational trauma. That is now, 10 years later, and after a second marriage is affected by sexual addiction I am dealing with it because now I know what it is. This book has been very helpful. The first half was devastating to read but now that I am into the second half, its focus is on healing. I know now that it was not me that caused my husband(s) to cheat. They both have/had serious issues since childhood. I am focusing on me and my healing now. The book suggested music, exercise, and nature. I did all of it today. I put in my ear buds, some great music...ok I'm 43 and sometimes listen to Eminem and hit to country road for a walk/run. I feel great. Almost as with every step at that moment some of the pain was lifting away. Another positive, thought all of this I started my masters of nursing program online about 7 weeks ago. 1 week left. I am earning a 97% and feel proud. The book suggested distractions. My masters class is a distraction. I also recently interview for charge nurse in my department. I have only been a nurse for two years and have since earned a bachelors degree at 43. This is a huge step for me. I may or may not get the job but, I applied and believe enough in myself that I can do it. The interview went great and was told that I would get a second interview very soon. This is good for my confidence since I was a stay at home mom for 12 years. So I am focusing on the positive finally. I didn't realize I have been doing great things as I feel that since all of this I have been just getting by. I am actually doing something good and feel good for the first time in a while. I never celebrated my RN associates degree because that was when the first dd with my current husband was discovered but finding condoms and calls to escorts. The second dd was a year and a half later, four weeks from my bachelors graduation when I found that he had an affair that lasted 15 months but had been over since before dd number 1. Then the last dd this March was him admitting that he did sleep with escorts and met random women for sex. This is when he asked for help and started SAA. So I never got a change to focus on the good I did or me. Now it is time.


Me 43 WS 41. Married 10 years.

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Southern Wisconsin
Rubyrain
♀ New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@suzukideb, I looked up relational trauma, and it was a remarkably good way to describe what has happened to me. I have a couple of books on sex addiction for partners, but I can't bring myself to read them. The whole concept just exhausts me and it feels like torture.

It's good that you're focusing on yourself, re school, work, etc. I think that's really healthy and can be a life saver.

My latest stress is that the bills from my involuntary transport to the hospital (abusive cop after a suicide call by my ex) on DDay are starting to come in. I've gotten 2 bills so far and they total over $1000 and I will be DAMNED if I'm going to pay them. I was dragged to that ambulance in handcuffs, protesting and being mocked by the asshole cops. I will not pay one red cent of those bills, and I fear that I may have to go to court over it. Just thinking about it right now retraumatizes me. My heart is racing and I'm breaking out in a cold sweat. Why is this happening????


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs galore to you, Sparkle. This comment of yours

I'm awake because I love him and miss him, because I'm really hurting, really mad at him for being so weak, mad at him because he'll go on the defensive, instead of fighting for us, because I know I've got to be super strong (and I will be), I know I've now got to move house and uproot my children...again. And because I'm mad at myself for not hating him.

describes exactly how I feel, too. I'm not at the moving out/on stage, but I do empathize with all the rest of it. It's likely all of us do. And we deserve to be safe. We do.

Suzukideb, way to be a woman!!! I'm so happy for you and all you're accomplishing. I feel like I burst out of my cocoon, too, after finding out about my husband's acting out 18 months ago. There aren't as many high-profile events as yours, but every step--no matter how small--that put me "first" or "equal" was figuratively huge!

Ruby, I remember your story and am so sorry that the bills are now adding additional trauma to the original insult after injury event. It's another example of the "life's not fair" narrative that laces itself through all of our stories. It's real, it's devastating, it's heart-breaking, it's expensive, it's humiliating, it's just. so. wrong. No matter what, though, you will make it through this. You are strong enough--even if you can't beat a broken system. Don't let a potential loss in that particular battle convince you you've lost the war. Fight it, certainly, but prepare yourself for whatever comes of it.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Helpless  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your support again ladies, it's really appreciated. I have a house free of children and SAWH (again) tonight and it's peaceful, but I'm avoiding going to bed because it feels horrible without him, even though he snores. My daughter stayed at a friend's house last night and I slept in her bed, it was easier, but big girl knickers on tonight and I'll sleep in my own lol.

Yes, there are far too many of us here and it seems to be increasing rapidly. Can there really be so many addicts out there? Most of whom are in complete denial, putting their habit before everyone else? How sad

Trying to console myself with the fact that since he's not here, I didn't have to listen to the football on the radio this evening. Every cloud...

Going to try and get some sleep, only managed 2 hours last night, pooped now.

(((Peace and light to you lovely gals)))

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 5:25 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many "disorders" are too many to be optimistic of a likelihood of successful recovery in your opinions?

We are racking them up over here. The H has the SA, depression (appears to be totally treated with medication and I think reached clinical levels only when he first acted out/confessed/etc), and it seems almost certain ADHD (he is scheduling diagnostic appointments but took online test and it basically lit up like a xmas tree). He also has a tendency toward anxiety but I don't think it would reach the level of an anxiety disorder.

Oh, I forgot intimacy disorder!

I can't help but feel very discouraged that this is so, so much to tackle. He is now going to be starting ADD coaching and probably meds for that at least in the short-term.

I just feel like this is if not hopeless at least a very uphill and long battle with little satisfaction for me for a looooong time . . .

What are your views of when the disorders, number or severity, become too much?

[This message edited by cds22 at 9:26 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
MomtoRoses
♀ Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CDS write:
How many "disorders" are too many to be optimistic of a likelihood of successful recovery in your opinions?

Not sure if I quoted correctly, but here are my thoughts.

I think most sa have a cornucopia of problems. Patrick Carnes talks about it in his books and our mc (also a sa therapist) talks about it. Some of the problems are related to the addiction as in intimacy disorder. If they address their sa, they will get better in this area. There isn't a sa out there who doesn't have an intimacy disorder. Does that make sense?
My wh is also an alcoholic, so we have that hanging over our heads. If he addresses his sa, his alcohol addiction will improve and same w/ addressing his alcoholism. They are connected.

As for depression and add, I think for sure the depression will improve once the addiction is addressed. Years ago, I saw an addictions "expert" and she said no recovery can happen during an active addiction. It's like working on marital intimacy while an affair is happening. Can't happen.

So all this to say I think there is a lot of hope once the addiction is addressed and it's very commmon to have a variety of issues. And for another one to pop up once acting out in an area stops....as in my wh quit drinking and then his sa took off (in secret) even worse. I do think he was an sa since before even meeting me, but he didn't act out as much etc. I don't know what is too much for one person. But I do have hope for myself to get well in spite of what my sa is doing. It might mean getting well apart from him, but so far he is doing the deal. Who knows how long it will last.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2014
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, I've got a question for those who are post divorce.

Did it help? I still feel strongly emotionally attached to my SAWH. I know there's no hope. Between his egregious acts and pathological lying all trust is gone. He's still not in recovery and is in denial about his alcoholism. He's still lying and it's killing me.

We were planning on holding off on divorce until I can get retrained and employed (SAHM for 16 years). I felt I needed to remain on his insurance. I'm still in love with the asshole.

Some part of me thinks that as long as we're married there's hope. My mind knows that's not true, but it's been hell trying to convince my heart. I'm thinking it might be easier to move on if we're divorced. What do you guys think?


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2014
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyDo, divorcing my x was the most agonizing decision I've ever made in my life because yeah, you still love them and yeah, you see they're damaged so how can you push away such a damaged person... that's the mindfuck that just keeps on giving.

I remember spending a long holiday weekend rationalizing with myself about how we should and could stay married, despite all the years of lying and disrespect.

It boiled down to this: I had to divorce him to get my self-respect back.

It was difficult and took a long time because once I pulled the plug he ran off and dove into the single life with a vengeance, and it took for-ev-er to get him to the negotiating table.

I've chosen to be celibate ever since, and believe it or not it is a lifestyle that gives me the space I need to heal and grow, to find that person I was before getting so entangled with such a toxic individual.

I felt lost for a really long time, but now it's year six and I'm settling into a groove that I really enjoy. My life now is ALL ABOUT ME.

Now your scenario is very different, with not having worked for a long time, and I don't know what the laws are about spousal support where you live, but to me the journey has been worth the heartache.

I do feel that the experience of surviving infidelity with an undiagnosed SA (he refused counselling, too terrified to face his issues) has damaged me, the scars are deep and I'll always carry them. But you can live a good life from here on out, regardless of whether you partner up with someone or not.

I had my 55th birthday a week after he moved out.

Big hugs. This shit is hard...

[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:58 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Evil  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith. Exactly what I am grappling with now. The leaving and if I stay how could I ever maintain my self respect. So much damage inflicted. Even tho H is working hard to not be the man he was, I don't know that I have it in me to integrate this past and feel secure in the relationship. It is fear going ahead alone, after 35 years with this man. But as time moves on I long to be free of this anxiety and leaving the toxicity behind. And discovering myself again.
Thanks for showing the other side.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
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