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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Codependency and co-addiction are used to describe the suffering of anyone affected by someone else's addiction. These terms do NOT imply that family members are also addicted. They originate from the idea that the addict is dependent on a drug or process, and the family member or concerned other is "co-" or "also" AFFECTED by that dependency.
I did nothing to cause or enable this in my H or my M and H's healing is his work. H's SA has affected me to my core and my healing is my work, independent of what he does. Any attempt to affect or control him makes my life unmanageable. So I will take what I need from this new support system.
COSA is not an abbreviation according to them. I am choosing to identify myself as partner of a sex addict.
There are no S-Anon meetings where I live so I don't know what that program is about.
The fellowship felt good and I will go back.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I've said before, I try not to step on toes when I talk about different ways of finding help. What works for one doesn't work for another. I'm happy when I hear people finding so much support in 12 step programs. I'm jealous sometimes.

But I do want to reach out to others like me. I've tried s-anon and I just dropped out of AA. But I am so grateful that H found his SA group. He's making so much progress.

When I found Rational Recovery, it was like a big weight lifted off of me. H, not so much! lol. So we work out own programs and stay out of each others way. I'm glad there's more than one way, because we are all different.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
jane17
♀ New Member
Member # 43785
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out a week and a half ago that my husband has been cheating on me for the past five years. Seven years ago, I found out he had been cheating on me, but I had a baby daughter, loved my husband, and went to individual and couples therapy to help work it out. Eventually, it became clear that he was a sex addict, saw a specialist, and went to meetings. For a few years things were difficult, but then they got better and I recovered and he was in recovery... or so I thought. Now, I don't have one baby daughter, I have one eight year old daughter and two sons under two years old. Now I know that all of the recovery talk was bullsh@t, that sometimes he would go to his SA meetings and sometimes he would go meet strangers for sex. I will always love my husband, he is a great dad, and other than being a lying liar who lies, he is a pretty good partner. With our combined incomes we are barely able to stay afloat ( with no car payment and a house under the median value in a neighborhood with unacceptable schools). If I leave, the specter of poverty comes knocking at my door. But, I don't know how I respect myself if I stay. Honestly, I cannot imagine ever trusting this man again. Caught between Scylla and Charybdis, I feel as though life has killed my dreams.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2014
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey it wasn't life that killed your dreams, it was your husband. I'm a SAHM who hasn't worked in 16 years. I'm going back to school because I can't even look at my husband anymore. The sound of his voice reminds me of all the lies he's told me. My daughter and I may wind up sharing a one bedroom apartment, but that man is never touching me again.

I went through hysterical bonding for awhile, couldn't imagine life without him. Give it a few months to let it sink in.

[This message edited by OnlyDo at 12:31 AM, June 20th (Friday)]


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my SAH has stopped watching porn 24/7 and chatting and camming with women online his desire has dropped to nonexistent. Which does make sense, nothing is riling him up during the day to make him want to have sex later. It's hurtful though, I don't look like a porn star and its hurting my self esteem that he seemed to only want to be sexual with me because these other women were turning him on. I personally need it to feel closer to him, it also makes me feel less angry if we are having marital affections. I don't know what to do about it, he used to want sex all the time when AO, I didn't know that was why, but now I do and it hurts he seems to longer have interest in being sexual with me :(


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 455 | Registered: Nov 2013
ButterflyLost
♀ New Member
Member # 43780
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I'm bumping in with a question. Does anyone know if there are any SA meetings in Nebraska that are MALE ONLY? I feel like mixed meetings are highly inappropriate and that's all I can find here.


Me: 29
Him WS: 32, 1 PA...wait...is kissing consider PA? So maybe more..., too many EA's to count, Porn/cam/chat site/craigslist addict.
Us: 1 beautiful little 3 year old girl
Together 6 yrs, married 4.5yrs
PA Dday 8/2013
?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2014
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to worry about the mixed meetings, but so far my husband has never run into a woman at one, so far only men are attending. You may find that as well.


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 455 | Registered: Nov 2013
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just told him I want a divorce. I told him I didn't hate him but I couldn't be friends with him. This feels so bad.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{ Only }}}}}}

Posts: 1275 | Registered: Aug 2010
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Compartmented


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only-wish you well on your journey ahead.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
Rubyrain
♀ New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still so confused. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He says all the "right" things about infidelity & trust now, how he realizes it was really awful and he sees how damaging and he'd never ever do anything like it again, and he will do what it takes to reinforce his strength, eg going to meetings, IC, etc.

But it just feels like a huge risk. I want the ease and comfort of a relationship with trust and safety. I hate this doubt, and the questions that are always in my mind. He says "you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" and I think, then why? He says "I love you, and only you" and I think, then why? And what changed? Because it feels about the same on my end.

I think about being alone, and it scares me a little. I don't think I'd end up alone, but really, you never know, do you? I guess the question I'm asking myself is whether I'd be happier alone or with him- because it's unrealistic to compare this to some hypothetical perfect relationship. I think I'd be ok with alone. I feel so unstable and fragile with him. At least alone I could close up the wounds and take care of myself with confidence, not worrying all the time that he'll hurt me, or that all the triggers will hurt me.

My main concern right now is practical: I want to regain my financial independence from him. I have a 9 month old and I will NOT put him in full time childcare. I would rather stay in this relationship a little longer than do that. I work part time, and I really do need his support to take care of finances. We are on a pretty tight budget as it is.

I am having a hard time deadening myself enough to make it through until the little one is older and I can go back to work full time. But I don't really see any other options. Actually, I see tons of options, I just don't like any of them. Just venting, I guess.

If I am so important to him, how is it that he could replace me with just anyone? And so many of them? Interchangeable. I feel like a fool. I feel like staying with him means giving up the fantasy that I'm special in any way. It means giving up on feeling love and romance and magic. I feel like being with him means a part of me will just die.


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The questions you askmare ones all of us have asked. Why do they do insane things? Why are they completely and utterly selfish? The simple answer is that they are addicts, that's the very definition.

As to whether you can or should trust him, no. At least not now. You don't have a crystal ball.

Your best and wisest option for now is to not make that long term decision. Get your financial self stronger. Watch his actions. Practice self care and get yourself into healthy recovery, learning to recognize addict-speak and not allowing him to mistreat you.

And give yourself time. The decision will come to you. But by all means, prepare to be independent. Just in case.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OnlyDo)))

Jls0320,

My understanding and my experience is that SAs who are sobering up feel little to no desire. They don't even know the difference between lust and love so have to re-learn it. That's one of the reasons many CSATs/therapists suggest a period of abstinence from sex--even with spouses.

SA is NOT personal with regard to the spouses. He didn't act out because you weren't pretty enough or sexy enough or loving enough; he acted out because he was lonely or in pain or frightened or stressed or bored or . . . So please be patient. If he's detoxing successfully, he's pretty focused on that. While he worries about himself, put all your energy into helping yourself to heal. And realize nothing he does is about you. It's really one of the most helpful mantras you can learn.

Good luck!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found the trusting part crazy making. So I am focusing on MY healing, H is doing his work with CSAT and I will pay attention to the tongue in his shoe (actions) rather than listening to the tongue in his head.
What Ripped said Ruby, put your energy into healing yourself.
No crystal ball for any of us.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post here under this section. Not even sure this is where I belong. My WBF hasn't seen a counselor yet. An appt has been set up for him in a few weeks, but I'm not sure I can wait that long to start finding answers. Not only that, I'm questioning the cost of his therapy. This counselor charges $185 for 45 minutes each week. No insurance is accepted. We will have to pay all of it out of pocket, then once a deductible has been met, we may get a few $ back. I feel like this cost is way out of line. It's not like we are swimming in money. Can anyone here advise me on what is reasonable???


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BL - has your partner considered starting his own MALE ONLY meeting? Also he can attend meetings via conference call.

TS - $185 is not out of line. We're in a major city and SAWH's costs $150/session. The shrink he was seeing was charging $250/hour. I definitely think it's important to see someone specially trained in this area, especially in a crisis situation. You might want to give it a set amount of time and then re-evaluate and see if it is helping. Just to give you an idea of what an average amount of time is, it's usually a minimum of 90 days - 180 days before an SA can be considered in recovery. And just so you know, there are usually "lapses" and "relapses" in one form or another. The CSAT should be recommending that both of you complete the workbooks. The SA should do the Patrick Carnes one and the partner of the SA should do the Stephanie Carnes one (or the other one...I was told by the SA that it has more religious messages in it which is why I did not investigate it). The workbooks can be done on your own and discussed in the therapeutic setting. I only saw the CSAT 2 times. Once was as part of my SAWH's "intake" so that the CSAT could tell me I should not make any rash decisions about divorce, etc, that I needed to give it at least a year to see if my SAWH could get into recovery and make necessary changes. ONE YEAR. That sounds like an eternity. There have been days that have seemed like YEARS. But overall, the past year has moved quickly (though there has been a lot of pain). The other time was when my SAWH read his disclosure about the affair to me. I called the CSAT a couple of times to let him know about a couple of things that came up along the way. The major thing was that my husband continued to LIE about a lot of things. I was REALLY concerned that I was married to a pathological liar for awhile. Once the addiction aspects of his problems got a little more under control, he began to be more honest. The deception of this experience has been some of the worst parts of this.

All of the expenses and hoops you have to jump through as a partner of SA add a lot of insult to the injury. But you can also look at it as a way of reclaiming yourself and a necessary part of your journey to a healthier self. And really, what other choice do you have? This is a pretty hard thing to conquer without professional guidance.


[This message edited by womaninflux at 12:18 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Cheaper than divorce.."


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Cheaper than divorce.."

Yes, Kat is right - cheaper than $200,000 in attorney fees for my divorce, plus a child custody evaluation at $320 an hour.

I let my STBX off the hook in 2006 or so, because of the cost of therapy. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

It changed the course of my life forever - and my children's lives. I can't overstate it. If your spouse needs help, he/she needs to get it no matter what the cost, because this isn't a little tiny problem that is going away on its own.

Hugs.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
lifeshattered
♀ New Member
Member # 43123
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone done the "Three day Intensive" with the Hope and Freedom Counseling Services?


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
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