But I do want to reach out to others like me. I've tried s-anon and I just dropped out of AA. But I am so grateful that H found his SA group. He's making so much progress.
When I found Rational Recovery, it was like a big weight lifted off of me. H, not so much! lol. So we work out own programs and stay out of each others way. I'm glad there's more than one way, because we are all different.
I went through hysterical bonding for awhile, couldn't imagine life without him. Give it a few months to let it sink in.
[This message edited by OnlyDo at 12:31 AM, June 20th (Friday)]
But it just feels like a huge risk. I want the ease and comfort of a relationship with trust and safety. I hate this doubt, and the questions that are always in my mind. He says "you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" and I think, then why? He says "I love you, and only you" and I think, then why? And what changed? Because it feels about the same on my end.
I think about being alone, and it scares me a little. I don't think I'd end up alone, but really, you never know, do you? I guess the question I'm asking myself is whether I'd be happier alone or with him- because it's unrealistic to compare this to some hypothetical perfect relationship. I think I'd be ok with alone. I feel so unstable and fragile with him. At least alone I could close up the wounds and take care of myself with confidence, not worrying all the time that he'll hurt me, or that all the triggers will hurt me.
My main concern right now is practical: I want to regain my financial independence from him. I have a 9 month old and I will NOT put him in full time childcare. I would rather stay in this relationship a little longer than do that. I work part time, and I really do need his support to take care of finances. We are on a pretty tight budget as it is.
I am having a hard time deadening myself enough to make it through until the little one is older and I can go back to work full time. But I don't really see any other options. Actually, I see tons of options, I just don't like any of them. Just venting, I guess.
If I am so important to him, how is it that he could replace me with just anyone? And so many of them? Interchangeable. I feel like a fool. I feel like staying with him means giving up the fantasy that I'm special in any way. It means giving up on feeling love and romance and magic. I feel like being with him means a part of me will just die.
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
As to whether you can or should trust him, no. At least not now. You don't have a crystal ball.
Your best and wisest option for now is to not make that long term decision. Get your financial self stronger. Watch his actions. Practice self care and get yourself into healthy recovery, learning to recognize addict-speak and not allowing him to mistreat you.
And give yourself time. The decision will come to you. But by all means, prepare to be independent. Just in case.
My understanding and my experience is that SAs who are sobering up feel little to no desire. They don't even know the difference between lust and love so have to re-learn it. That's one of the reasons many CSATs/therapists suggest a period of abstinence from sex--even with spouses.
SA is NOT personal with regard to the spouses. He didn't act out because you weren't pretty enough or sexy enough or loving enough; he acted out because he was lonely or in pain or frightened or stressed or bored or . . . So please be patient. If he's detoxing successfully, he's pretty focused on that. While he worries about himself, put all your energy into helping yourself to heal. And realize nothing he does is about you. It's really one of the most helpful mantras you can learn.
True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.
TS - $185 is not out of line. We're in a major city and SAWH's costs $150/session. The shrink he was seeing was charging $250/hour. I definitely think it's important to see someone specially trained in this area, especially in a crisis situation. You might want to give it a set amount of time and then re-evaluate and see if it is helping. Just to give you an idea of what an average amount of time is, it's usually a minimum of 90 days - 180 days before an SA can be considered in recovery. And just so you know, there are usually "lapses" and "relapses" in one form or another. The CSAT should be recommending that both of you complete the workbooks. The SA should do the Patrick Carnes one and the partner of the SA should do the Stephanie Carnes one (or the other one...I was told by the SA that it has more religious messages in it which is why I did not investigate it). The workbooks can be done on your own and discussed in the therapeutic setting. I only saw the CSAT 2 times. Once was as part of my SAWH's "intake" so that the CSAT could tell me I should not make any rash decisions about divorce, etc, that I needed to give it at least a year to see if my SAWH could get into recovery and make necessary changes. ONE YEAR. That sounds like an eternity. There have been days that have seemed like YEARS. But overall, the past year has moved quickly (though there has been a lot of pain). The other time was when my SAWH read his disclosure about the affair to me. I called the CSAT a couple of times to let him know about a couple of things that came up along the way. The major thing was that my husband continued to LIE about a lot of things. I was REALLY concerned that I was married to a pathological liar for awhile. Once the addiction aspects of his problems got a little more under control, he began to be more honest. The deception of this experience has been some of the worst parts of this.
All of the expenses and hoops you have to jump through as a partner of SA add a lot of insult to the injury. But you can also look at it as a way of reclaiming yourself and a necessary part of your journey to a healthier self. And really, what other choice do you have? This is a pretty hard thing to conquer without professional guidance.
[This message edited by womaninflux at 12:18 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
"Cheaper than divorce.."
Yes, Kat is right - cheaper than $200,000 in attorney fees for my divorce, plus a child custody evaluation at $320 an hour.
I let my STBX off the hook in 2006 or so, because of the cost of therapy. It was the biggest mistake of my life.
It changed the course of my life forever - and my children's lives. I can't overstate it. If your spouse needs help, he/she needs to get it no matter what the cost, because this isn't a little tiny problem that is going away on its own.