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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((determinata))))

I'll send up some prayers for your son. I read your update, and your profile. Sending you a PM.



Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
fyrebird
♀ New Member
Member # 43093
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((determinata)))
Let go of the guilt for choosing this man to be your child's father. The spiral thinking will change nothing and will only make you feel worse/more guilt. Instead, cherish your son. Let the toxic go, it can only poison the good.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your responses and PMs. The news on DS is inconclusive but generally good. He has some markers for a certain genetic mutation but does not meet all of the symptom criteria for a positive diagnosis--yet. The next stops are at a pediatric opthamologist to make sure he doesn't have tumors at the back of his eyes (sob) then to a pediatric dermatologist to find out more about why he's experiencing some skin issues. Then more waiting while we see if some of his mild-moderate bone abnormalities resolve themselves. (We're specifically concerned that his left leg is overly curved and he might have issues walking.) And then we wait and wait and wait before we go back to the genetics clinic.

Sigh.

Our son's doctor is based in a children's cancer ward and boy, if that doesn't give you perspective on what matters . . . I am very, very angry at my SAWH and I am very, very hurt that my life hasn't turned out the way I had hoped. But I would give anything for my son to be healthy. I just want to be able to love him and see him grow. I think my sense of helplessness at my son's uncertain future has led to more than usual lashing out at my SAWH. I need to curb that for me and DS. But one day at a time.

I'm trying to let go of the guilt for having my son. Sometime I feel so deeply despondent, I don't know what to do. I'm going to try to claw my way back to some perspective.

[This message edited by determinata at 10:21 PM, July 4th (Friday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
mountainmomma
♀ Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone
Just thought it'd introduce myself
WS was into hookers and anyone willing from 2007/2008 onwards (I didn't know) he was caught by me red handed in 2010 and left for over a year (3 kids at the time). He had emotional attachments to a few of the prostitutes (getting "engaged" to one....Came home march 2011 and we were in"R" since then. Had a fourth child in 2012 and im just a few weeks away from birthing number 5. SA/SLA was something that I brought up when he originally come back but he did nothing about.

Just a few weeks ago whilst our four year old was in hospital with a broken leg after being crashed into by a go cart at an event we were at I knew something was up. Thought there might be before this happened but whilst I was staying in the hospital with my son my gut was screaming. He had not wanted sex with me in the weeks prior to our sons accident and gave crap reasons, tired etc. he did not want to discuss.

I confronted and he said it was just porn whilst in the hospital as he felt unloved and lonely. He posted here about it, but nothing since. I think it was him trying to throw me a few crumbs. Blame shifting began. The night our son was discharged from hospital he left/got kicked out by me as this was a boundary (no porn no women) that he had obviously knowingly broken. He has been put of the house now for 3 weeks and I believe is in the full acting out stage now, as there are many "tells". He is wallowing in self pity and guilt and shame, has said he made an enquiry into attending a SA meeting, has admitted to me he thinks he is a SLA, knows the void is in him and he is afraid of intimacy etc etc. he did do the mankind project a few years ago and a bit of IC, couple of parenting courses but all that knowledge he gained he never really applied properly.

He says he is struggling to know if he can be the man I need and the father the kids need, I know I can't do it for him, I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Just pissed off, sad, angry, and extremely disappointed, and feel those loss of family things. He's flitted to being lovey dopey, nice, angry, cutting me off financially then giving me some money. He seems to be back in that place.

I've been reading here of this thread and will read some more.
ATM I'm just focussing on me and the kids and trying hard not to worry about him too much as sorry for him I feel, and wish he'd just fix himself and stop hurting the kids and me.

Anyway I'm going for full std testing next week before the baby comes just to be safe. Originally he was cheating on me before during and after the birth of our third, so I'm taking no chances this time.

Thanks for reading
Sorry so many of us have to be here
In light
MM
X


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Momma. It sounds like he is in full self destruct mode and you in your right mind. I sure wish there was a way these idiots could be compelled to pass some kind of test before they fathered kids who wind up being raised without them. NOT, I'm sure, that you'd give up your babies! But it certainly would be an easier road if it were tackled with a sane partner.

because SA is a kind of insanity. A selfish, ugly insanity that causes craziness in the families make spouses that are forced to endure.

Take care of you and that new one. Sending you strength.

SK


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, I haven't posted in awhile. New emergencies this week and I'm feeling so alone. My DD 16 tried to commit suicide with an overdose Monday morning. They let us take her home from the hospital, but we wound up back in the psych ER Wednesday night. They found her a bed in an inpatient facility, we're hoping she'll be released Monday. I feel certain that her condition has been exacerbated by all the chaos and pain she's been seeing at home.

I've been having to see, talk, and interact with my SAWH. He wants to be a friend I can lean on, but he's still lying to me about his acting out. I can't allow my walls down around him because that will only lead to more betrayal. He hasn't shown true remorse yet. He's still gaslighting me and telling me I'm imagining things. Just what I need in the middle of this crisis, someone to tell me I can't trust my own perceptions of reality.

I need to be strong for DD, but I feel weak as water. I'm crying or numbing out on hours of TV every day. I don't know how to find my strength anymore and she needs to see it so badly.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((OnlyDo))))))))
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Please focus on taking care of yourself so you can support her. As far as your SAH, I will say this, given that I've been going through some medical things with regards to DS--I try to coparent fully with him, which includes emotionally supporting each other with regards to DS's condition. Without that, the pain would be unbearable. But we keep it focused on the baby. No side chatter about acting out, recovery or anything like that. It allows us to both be better parents and to not admix our issues, his pathologies and our parenting. I'll be thinking of you and your DD.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{ OnlyDo }}}
I need to be strong for DD, but I feel weak as water. I'm crying or numbing out on hours of TV every day. I don't know how to find my strength anymore and she needs to see it so badly.
I'm so sorry for your family!! I know how awful it feels. What are your "self-care" items? I had to write mine down and put the list beside my bed where I could see it to remind myself there were things to do to get through the pain. I included journaling, Al-Anon meetings, S-Anon meetings, calling a friend or family member, reading on SI, reading self-help, reading for pleasure, walking, exercising, being with my pet, etc.

Keep working to help your daughter but keep taking care of yourself, too. She will see that and learn to care for herself as well. Addiction affects the whole family. It SUCKS!! Acceptance of this fact is step one. Step two is to change what you can and let go of the rest. Keep posting here...you can PM me if you'd like. Take it all one day at a time.


Posts: 1274 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

determinata, I can't imagine how scared you must be about your baby!! I hope that you get some good news soon. Hang in there!! {{{ hugs }}}

Posts: 1274 | Registered: Aug 2010
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Mt Momma & Only:

I rarely post on this SA forum for various reasons, but I felt so compelled to respond to you. I often want to respond to others also...

Anyway, Mt Momma & Only:

You 2 are so strong, I admire you. As for SA husbands, this is a life long treatment. LIFE LONG.

If they are unwilling to do the work - which means:
Life long treatment, then they will most likely fail. This type of addiction, as far as I can discern, cannot be treated alone. There is far too many temptations: free porn newspapers for sex addicts, free porn sites, cheap hookers, cheap gorgeous hookers, cheap strippers, cheap massage parlours. Everything these women sell is very cheap. Men can get $10 b...jobs, ok? Massage parlors are a great place for very cheap sex. Starting at low entrance fees and cheap tips to women who are pretty yet want an easy way to make money. I'm going on and on to get this through your heads, of which I know you understand, but sometimes seeing it in writing helps you see that this is a constant itch that is so easily scratched. I mean, in my town, massage parlors that do it all are on almost every business block, sometimes several on the block. Strip jts are everywhere. The bill boards are everywhere.

If you are a sex addict (even if you are not) - cheap sex is everywhere. Unless you are on a deserted island - the USA has turned into whores galore, ok?

So your husbands must be willing to do life long work. That means, IC - if you can't get a c-sat, just get a counselor. Group counseling - that really helps - men keeping other men in check.This should be done only after IC as the men in Group are fully invested in their life long treatment. SAA or SA or if needed the sex and love addiction one - I really don't see how it can be as good as SAA or SA because the Sex and Love one has a lot more women in it, so to me, for real SA's, it really isn't the best, my opinion.

This is all weekly. This is several hours of work. This is working the steps. This is writing. This is journalling. This is getting a sponsor. This is spending money. This is spending money on in or out patient if warranted or if you can afford. This is spending money on gas. This is skipping events in order to attend SA or SAA. This is every single Sunday morning. Or Monday night. Or Wednesday. Plus the counseling. Or more, FOREVER.

Hugs to you and well wishes!

[This message edited by mychild at 8:02 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Determinata:

I'm glad you posted your "novel". Your DS is precious. So sorry you feel a tinge of guilt. It's your SA that should feel guilt however that is so much a part of SA - never treading into that guilt feeling, otherwise they really wouldn't be able to do what they do.

I know a woman who does my hair. Her husband is SA. They have been legally separated for 9 years and live in different states now. Divorce can be so sloppy and expensive. They have 3 children. It may have to be doable for you. I hope you have good family to help you?

No reason to rush into divorce now, unless you are in danger, right? You have so much on your plate. Go ahead and read the divorce sections on this site. It seems there is a lack of happiness there, so if you think divorce will bring you happiness, I suggest a little reading on those pages - just so you won't feel pressured to D now, which I know is in the forefront of your mind... Right now it is about your baby boy


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
Rubyrain
♀ New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, determinata, onlydo, big hugs to you ladies. And to you all, us all. :(

Determinata, I'm sorry you're caught up in so much worry over your little one. That's so scary. And I really do understand what you mean about regretting having him. Right after my DDay i had a severe bout of regret over having our boys with this man. I had my ducks in a row, single mom to two teenage daughters and I had worked to put myself through college, was halfway through law school when we conceived DS1. I took a leave of absence and never went back- so I could play Susie homemaker for this selfish fuck. And our baby, now nine months old, was deliberately planned while WH was out getting lap dances, courting strippers, doing favors for them, and looking high and low for hook ups. (I did not know)

So I leave him and now I'm a single mom with FOUR ?!? kids, no work history to speak of for the last 4 years, and no career to return to, while he's back to the bachelor life, dropping in for visits and fun with his boys.

I don't regret my boys for a second, but I do sometimes regret the choice to have more kids. I know how contradictory that sounds.

[This message edited by Rubyrain at 12:22 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been awhile since I posted on SI. I'm wondering if someone could recommend a book or readings on the issue of detachment. My Sanon group has temporarily disbanded - we have such small attendance, and I'm needing some guidance and how to proceed.

Not surprisingly my SAWH has dropped out of recovery work. Since January he has only attened a couple of SAA mtgs or group tx with his CSAT. We've only had a few couples sessions with her due to her illness (cancer), she is back now and he is just giving excuse after excuse as to not reschedule with her. He says he's not giving up recovery - but his actions show that he is.

I'm not sure if he's sexually acting out or not. He's not all that interested in sex, and is engaging in cross addictive behaviors like excessive drinking and currently obsessing about buying a "weekend sports car" that we can't afford. He literally spends hours online obsessing about it - to the point that he doesn't engage in things that he enjoys. It's sad to watch and to be honest I'm angry that he's blown off recovery. He only participated in a program for about 6 - 8 months.

I'm at a loss of what to do next. I'm still working on myself, taking classes, and going to IC. Thanks


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

big hugs to you OnlyDo and Determinata. Sending positive prayers your way.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life has been pretty stressful for me too lately. My kids have been in another car accident (2nd one this year). This one wasn't as bad and they are both fine.
But dealing with all this SA stuff on top of feeling like my kids aren't safe has left me a frazzled mess.

In terms of the marriage, I'm pretty tired of the roller coaster ride. I let myself get close, and immediately get scared and put my walls back up. We've been discussing separation for my sanity. Not sure how we'd pull it off financially, if I choose this course.
He is still showing his changes. But how do I know this personality will stick? After a decade of one certain way, I'm supposed to believe that in one short year, he has made lasting change? I don't know how to do that.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a hard day today. Tomorrow is the anti-versary of my SAWH's first meet up with confirmed PA. It is also that time of the month for me, which is always a trigger since DD#4 happened at that time for me. He is still showing commitment to recovery, going to CSAT and SAA regularly, so that's good. But for me, it has been a rough 24 hours and probably wont get much better through the weekend.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any easy answers but felt I had to give you some reason to hope. Change IS possible.

My SAfWH was as arrogant and abusive as they come. He paired his abuse with love bombing, as is too often the case.

He is so far different from that person. At 63, he is living a life of integrity. He is far happier than he was for many years. I do not think his step work has been perfect; but it has been ongoing. He struggles with the idea of a higher power as do I. He attends his meetings faithfully and is an active participant. He hasn't seen his CSAT in awhile. I think he did outgrow her in some ways and reserves her for future needs.

He is loving and solicitous to me and patient with my less than perfect recovery. He understands that I am still overwhelmed by the trauma at times and, although he gets frustrated with it, gets that he caused it.

I NEVER thought he would stick to recovery. It simply wasn't in his nature. But he has.

Our marriage has many obstacles still. I have boundaries that are clear and I have fears that possibly declining mental health will cause him to push those boundaries, he is bipolar. I feel his recovery is strong except for that, and that, of course, is huge. The hope is that [I] or our kids or his psychiatrist will see sign of that slippage and adjust his medications before there is a problem.

I wish none of us ever had to deal with this. But there is hope.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everybody,

My SAH has finally scheduled full disclosure after 2 1/2 years. It will be the first weekend in August. Our 14th anniversary falls on that Monday, the 4th.

Our first DDay was in December 2011, another one later that month, and a 3rd one in October 2012. I've been seeing a therapist since early 2012, he finally started seeing a CSAT May 2013.

We were also seeing a marriage counselor team that specialized in SA, I would see mine for 45 mins., he saw his for 45 mins., then we all met together for 30 mins. We were definitely not ready for the marriage counseling part. This was for about a year in 2012/13. I think I cried through every single session.

The full disclosure is a 3 day intensive, we'll have counseling/therapy, then disclosure, more counseling/therapy, the lie detector test, and more counseling and therapy. I'm not sure of the exact format but I'll keep you all updated.

I believe it will cost about 1800, plus whatever my IC will charge to be there. This is a discounted rate yet still a huge amount for us for all the usual reasons.

Determinata - sending prayers for your baby. I have a child that had some serious and scary neurological problems when he was young. He's a grown man now, healthy and takes no meds. That was a tough time. (((BIG HUG)))

(((BIG HUG))) also to OnlyDo. OMG.

And somebody on here explained co-sex addiction beautifully, that it meant we were affected by the sex addiction, not that we contributed to it. That was a little light bulb moment for me. Thanks for that.

On another sight recently I read this: "Confusion is a gift to keep us from making irrational decisions." I am so confused much of the time. This also helped me a little.

We have to abstain from alcohol for 30 days prior to the disclosure, and it's 90+ degrees here. I love to work in the yard, shop, garden, outdoors, and drink a cold beer or 3 on the weekends.

3 - 5 years of sobriety before a sex addict becomes somewhat sane.

So all this time he's been "married" to his addictions, which explains so much.

My counselor also does EMDR and hypnosis, both of which have also helped me significantly.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm so glad to be able to post here and read your stories. I wish you all a nice weekend.




Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Rubyrain
♀ New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my H admits to tons of porn, regular visits to the strip club, one 30 min session in the strip club VIP (happy ending) room, contacting escorts but never actually seeing them, going out with a stripper a few times (he offered to take photos for her website and make her a business card, and she took him up on it but there was no quid pro quo- I called her and she tells the same story.), and being on lots of sex-dating websites but never getting a hook up out of it.

He works a lot and he's home a lot. Part of my disbelief over this was wondering where he even found the time. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Right after DDay, this all came out gradually as TT, but now the story has remained the same for quite some time. Nothing added but details that hurt but don't change the story.

It scares the shit out of me when I read y'all's stories and there are multiple DDays and massive reveals at Disclosure time. I wonder if I'm being totally naieve if I believe that I know the truth right now. He freely admits that he was on a course to escalate and that if this secret life had remained secret for longer it's likely that there'd be escorts, hook-ups... and whatever.

I guess I just don't know what to believe. I can relate so much to what you said about the roller coaster @sadone29. I also get close and then freak out and put my walls back up. We've had a very good couple of days and I find myself getting comfortable- and that itself becomes a trigger of sorts. I just want this knot in my stomach to release. I want to just be able to relax and not be tortured by worries and fears, feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and general instability. :(


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - disclosure scares the shit out of me, too.

(maniacal laughter)


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
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