I've been too busy getting my life together and living my days out one day at a time. I'm starting to see that my SA husband actually wants to save our marriage. His actions are proving as such. Although, the other night, he was triggered and wanted to watch the late night section of HBO on Demand and I told "hell no" and he was like "I didn't think it would be bad if we watched it together" and I was like "Yeah, yeah it would be. You're a sex addict. I don't want to be a pawn in your addiction". He understood. I was a bit triggered myself after that. I was turned off by my SA husband. I just didn't want to even hold his hand. He realized it and apologized, but I think it'll just take me some time to come down from that nasty shit.
Other than that, life is pretty "whatever" which is what I prefer after his disclosure almost a year ago. We have been doing a lot of traveling this summer. Mostly, driving, and one flight. But, it has been wonderful to drive. Next weekend we are driving to Pittsburgh. Hopefully, it'll be fun and go well.
I guess that's all. I've been doing my own thing and healing and dealing with me. That's who I have to take care of...me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Its been a while since I've been on this site so I am seeing your post about your soon to be ex husband subjecting your children to have dinner with his S&M Craigslist GF. I mean, I'll be honest, I have nothing against the BDSM lifestyle, but um...the fact that he actually did that shit behind your back and subjected your children to it is disgusting. I am so sorry that happened. I really am.
So sorry about that. He is not remorseful at all. Yes you are correct: no SAA or SA 4 X a week at least for a couple of months and then 2 a week for the rest of your coupledom and IC and MC (if you want) or he needs to find a studio apt or motel 6.
[This message edited by mychild at 1:15 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]
While I see your point, I happen to enjoy HBO and feel like I shouldn't have to give up stuff because my SA husband is a sex addict. I've given up enough. I don't have children (and don't want any for that matter) and don't have many pleasures in this world except for my feline children. HBO...I like that pleasure. I also like Showtime. TV is awesome. He's the asshole. If anything, he should just give up having a penis. But then...that is just irrational and unrealistic thinking LOL!
I wasn't sure whether to come back and post here. But anyway.
I admire those of you trying to R so much, you must be so strong.
My Ex was in total denial that he was a SA. The IC we both saw (on our own and together for MC) told him about the work he'd have to do and he went from "I'll do anything it takes" to refusing to do any form of further therapy.
He thought me not saying anything else was me forgiving him. He never once said sorry.
Anyway it didn't take him long to move on. He's had about 30-40 partners in the past year, sometimes two in a day, often 3 or 4 in a week
I know now that this was definitely going to happen, if I stayed with him or not. I am so glad I am divorced.
I wish you all well, and good luck to those who are trying to R. You are so brave.
I hope you are doing well and able to heal from his continued abuse. He may be a lost cause, you certainly are not.
Glad you rang in.
As scaredeykat alluded to, we are all brave.
Every bs on this site faces overwhelming pain. For we with SA partners, there is a grave uncertainty that hangs over us. Our partners exhibit chronic behavior. Our d-days are no longer just single days: they are chains of ongoing violations. Many of us have partners who go so underground, we're in a cold war with them. Many of us have fought for a marriage, and hopes for changes, longer than many would.
We are all brave, the stayers and the leavers. Those in R. Those who said enough. Those who live in limbo. Each day asks us to be brave.
I think the vast majority of spouses stay forever with partners who are not in recovery. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not courageous. It's courageous to leave obviously, and it can be very courageous to stay with a partner in recovery.
So sometimes we develop courage in response to the situation at hand. So, good for us. I have found courage I never knew I had inside me. Friends tell me I'm the most courageous person they know, but I will never agree. I feel like I failed by choosing to marry my ex.
Yes, my ex. I'm divorced.
He got overnights.
I'm adjusting. Since he's also NPD and probably anti-social, he's still fighting. And he doesn't really want the children. So I continue to walk my tightrope. I posted more in S&D.
Ladies, I'm not saying to stay or leave. But please please please do not have children with sex addicts if you haven't already done so.
-Hope (standing on the other side, but not completely in the light yet)
[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:58 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]
I KNOW he didn't do this intentionally, he's simply not that clever. It happened anyway.
Oh Hope, overnights? Crap. Make sure they have a cell phone to call you...
I know I morphed into a pushover.
You know, I didn't think of it that way. I do maintain that they pick highly empathetic and intelligent women. But I didn't consider that the situation forces us all to morph into pushovers. I do know that there are always signs of SA. We may not recognize these signs until we look back, way after D-Day. But while the SA is building, I do believe that our minds and bodies recognize the signs of huge problems looming in our partners. And we suppress these feelings, pressing down on them until they disappear. A psychologist explained this to me. Nothing is ever as much a surprise as we feel it is, at least consciously.
It's true in my case. I was so much stronger when I first got married than I was for the last ten years of my marriage. I was scared of everything, pretending to be perfect to deny the obvious, a brittle and fragile shell of my former self. It took the divorce and the necessary fighting to protect my children to force me to become courageous. But ONLY out of necessity.
I know for a fact that I wouldn't have fought him on anything except for the children. If not for them, I would have folded and slunk away, and tried to start a new life. But then I might not have been forced to confront all of the necessary stuff in therapy - an ongoing process for me. I wonder if I might have chosen someone like him again? (I am no longer scared that I'll ever do this.)
All I know is that every woman arrives here at this place as a pushover. What happens next is critical.
Sigh. Yes, Kat, my brave bra burning comrade here, three years of fighting and he still gets overnights. Then again, he chose not to take them for his very first weekend. If he keeps them in his apartment, which I think is reasonably safe, and he hides his shit from them for now, and then he loses interest in them fast, which is likely, there is still a chance. Prayers gratefully accepted. I don't know why this has happened to me, or any of us. Therapist and therapist and book after book tells me to stop asking this question. But I can't.
I fear that their are few people left who have what I consider "healthy" sexual attitudes.
Maybe I'm just really a prude.
We who see it, call it, raise ire against it, are called prudes. It is socially acceptable to sexualize everything, and the further this goes, the more we are painted as the wrong ones. The mass effect of society normalizing this is used to point to our "wrongness."
It's this attitude that kept me weak for a long time. I allowed myself to believe I was unreasonable.
Now I would rather be alone than in a relationship that decries my values.
ChoosingHope, thanks for your wise words.
I hate the woman I became. I don't recognize her. The courage for me was finally seeing how far I'd fallen and lost myself, and finding the strength to reclaim the woman I am.
No children here, and grateful every day for that. (Not that kids are bad, but kids with HIM would be bad)
We saw his parents recently. The FOO issues are palpable. Highly immaure mother who treats her husband like a child, and expects her son (my sa) to fill the partner role.
Treading carefully here, too. I am married to a self-described sociopath.
I NEVER used my past as an excuse to be a dishonest person, let alone hurt anyone I loved.
For all I can tell, my dad has strong narcissistic tendencies. But, I get to decide what kind of life I will live,
I briught up FOO more as a testament to the circus that is the backdrop of my SAs life. It took me seeing HIM clearly to begin to see his nuthouse family clearly (and vice versa...it was like eyes opening all at once).
What ia helpful for me is to see that with the FOO stuff, there's a greater likelihood of him not changing. Again, not letting him off the hook at all, but more like, it makes it clear to me all that dysfunction is something he chooses to not overcome, and his behavior is something he sees as "normal" *rollseyes*
Meleanoro - mine is a sociopath too, and once you get outside the SA/CSAT world, most sex addict behavior is considers "sociopathic." In other words, not an addiction, but a total disregard for society's rules and mores. This is what came out in our custody evaluation and in court. The psychologist and judge kept saying, "SA isn't even in the DSM-V." (I've said that here, but none of us like to hear it.) They were far more comfortable using terms like "sociopathic behavior."
My ex's mother was domineering and obsessed with her son, and she treated her husband like he was a complete idiot. So there you go. Patterns and similarities everywhere, as usual.
Red, I didn't congratulate you for getting away. Good luck with the rest of your life. I hope many good things come your way.
As to the DSM-V, IMO, that is all politics and the ridiculous tendency of the social sciences to change their positions on thing like this every seven years or so. Oh, I get the lack of empirical data issue, I do, but people simply cannot always be tested accurately, and brain science is evolving rapidly. We have too much to learn to dismiss this behavior as nonsense.
As an example of how flawed these judgments and labels can be, in 1976, my first year teaching, I had a young 6 year old who, in retrospect was an autistic savant. When I asked for an evaluation by a team leader, I was told he was communication delayed and would grow out of his problems. Of course he didn't.
Addicts behave in certain ways, self destructive ways. 12 step programs work for them. If they work the program.
I'm seeing ducks. I'm not caring what a bunch of white coats are saying today, they may change their minds tomorrow. . Results matter to me.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:46 PM, July 21st (Monday)]