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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After not sleeping AT ALL last night, I went to the doctor and I'm going back on AD. I was putting of going, but I had to after going through one more night filled with panic and fear.

I had gotten off AD right before DDay. I just can't deal anymore. Hopefully this will make life feel more under control. Maybe I'll finally feel stronger to make a decision either way.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 794 | Registered: Mar 2013
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been a while I know...

I've been too busy getting my life together and living my days out one day at a time. I'm starting to see that my SA husband actually wants to save our marriage. His actions are proving as such. Although, the other night, he was triggered and wanted to watch the late night section of HBO on Demand and I told "hell no" and he was like "I didn't think it would be bad if we watched it together" and I was like "Yeah, yeah it would be. You're a sex addict. I don't want to be a pawn in your addiction". He understood. I was a bit triggered myself after that. I was turned off by my SA husband. I just didn't want to even hold his hand. He realized it and apologized, but I think it'll just take me some time to come down from that nasty shit.

Other than that, life is pretty "whatever" which is what I prefer after his disclosure almost a year ago. We have been doing a lot of traveling this summer. Mostly, driving, and one flight. But, it has been wonderful to drive. Next weekend we are driving to Pittsburgh. Hopefully, it'll be fun and go well.

I guess that's all. I've been doing my own thing and healing and dealing with me. That's who I have to take care of...me.


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ChoosingHope))))

Its been a while since I've been on this site so I am seeing your post about your soon to be ex husband subjecting your children to have dinner with his S&M Craigslist GF. I mean, I'll be honest, I have nothing against the BDSM lifestyle, but um...the fact that he actually did that shit behind your back and subjected your children to it is disgusting. I am so sorry that happened. I really am.


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at a complete loss right now, H says he wants to make this work but is doing nothing to back that up. I told him sat night he must go to meetings, IC, and seek a sponsor, or move out. he has done nothing yet. If it were me I would be doing everything to fix this that my BS wanted. I've been telling him for 5 mos now what I need and have seen no action, he acts like life is peachy and I'm so resentful towards him. We are at almost a yr out and I can feel my frustration taking over and am not even sure how I feel about him anymore :( we started MC with my CSAT last week and the denial and minimizing from him just angered me so much. I'm starting to detach. I have a trip planned end of aug and a major surgury in sept, I need his help and I hope he can get his shit together but I'm not feeling optimistic at all


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, sex addict, then 12 mos EA/2 mos PA with co-worker whore
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap PA began.
Separated, R during divor

Posts: 507 | Registered: Nov 2013
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cosa: I don't know, but maybe you don't need HBO? I know it's a thought you've thought of. My deal with my SA is hey, you can't watch sh*t anymore - you took advantage of me, you took my youth, I'm stuck now cuz I'm a stay at home mom and you so scr*wed me over, you don't get sh8t. And he is happy enough to stay and not watch sh*t.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((JLS))

So sorry about that. He is not remorseful at all. Yes you are correct: no SAA or SA 4 X a week at least for a couple of months and then 2 a week for the rest of your coupledom and IC and MC (if you want) or he needs to find a studio apt or motel 6.

[This message edited by mychild at 1:15 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mychild

While I see your point, I happen to enjoy HBO and feel like I shouldn't have to give up stuff because my SA husband is a sex addict. I've given up enough. I don't have children (and don't want any for that matter) and don't have many pleasures in this world except for my feline children. HBO...I like that pleasure. I also like Showtime. TV is awesome. He's the asshole. If anything, he should just give up having a penis. But then...that is just irrational and unrealistic thinking LOL!


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all of you

I wasn't sure whether to come back and post here. But anyway.

I admire those of you trying to R so much, you must be so strong.

My Ex was in total denial that he was a SA. The IC we both saw (on our own and together for MC) told him about the work he'd have to do and he went from "I'll do anything it takes" to refusing to do any form of further therapy.

He thought me not saying anything else was me forgiving him. He never once said sorry.

Anyway it didn't take him long to move on. He's had about 30-40 partners in the past year, sometimes two in a day, often 3 or 4 in a week

I know now that this was definitely going to happen, if I stayed with him or not. I am so glad I am divorced.

I wish you all well, and good luck to those who are trying to R. You are so brave.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bravery you speak of isn't limited to any of us staying. It's brave to move on, it's brave to stay and try if the addict is working a program, it's brave to even get out of bed some mornings.

I hope you are doing well and able to heal from his continued abuse. He may be a lost cause, you certainly are not.

Glad you rang in.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it takes more bravery to leave than stay.

As scaredeykat alluded to, we are all brave.

Every bs on this site faces overwhelming pain. For we with SA partners, there is a grave uncertainty that hangs over us. Our partners exhibit chronic behavior. Our d-days are no longer just single days: they are chains of ongoing violations. Many of us have partners who go so underground, we're in a cold war with them. Many of us have fought for a marriage, and hopes for changes, longer than many would.

We are all brave, the stayers and the leavers. Those in R. Those who said enough. Those who live in limbo. Each day asks us to be brave.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't know if SAs always choose partners whose primary trait is courage! I think they pick super empathetic, intelligent, and caring women. And then they manipulate the hell out of them.

I think the vast majority of spouses stay forever with partners who are not in recovery. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not courageous. It's courageous to leave obviously, and it can be very courageous to stay with a partner in recovery.

So sometimes we develop courage in response to the situation at hand. So, good for us. I have found courage I never knew I had inside me. Friends tell me I'm the most courageous person they know, but I will never agree. I feel like I failed by choosing to marry my ex.

Yes, my ex. I'm divorced.

He got overnights.

I'm adjusting. Since he's also NPD and probably anti-social, he's still fighting. And he doesn't really want the children. So I continue to walk my tightrope. I posted more in S&D.

Ladies, I'm not saying to stay or leave. But please please please do not have children with sex addicts if you haven't already done so.

-Hope (standing on the other side, but not completely in the light yet)

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:58 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Hope is right. So right. I know I morphed into a pushover. I am strong! I survived and thrived through an outrageous childhood, was independent and gutsy. I grew up in the bra burning age, worked three jobs to pay for undergraduate school and marched for civil rights. Yet I let myself turn into a yes-man to avoid his temper tantrums.

I KNOW he didn't do this intentionally, he's simply not that clever. It happened anyway.

Oh Hope, overnights? Crap. Make sure they have a cell phone to call you...


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I morphed into a pushover.

You know, I didn't think of it that way. I do maintain that they pick highly empathetic and intelligent women. But I didn't consider that the situation forces us all to morph into pushovers. I do know that there are always signs of SA. We may not recognize these signs until we look back, way after D-Day. But while the SA is building, I do believe that our minds and bodies recognize the signs of huge problems looming in our partners. And we suppress these feelings, pressing down on them until they disappear. A psychologist explained this to me. Nothing is ever as much a surprise as we feel it is, at least consciously.

It's true in my case. I was so much stronger when I first got married than I was for the last ten years of my marriage. I was scared of everything, pretending to be perfect to deny the obvious, a brittle and fragile shell of my former self. It took the divorce and the necessary fighting to protect my children to force me to become courageous. But ONLY out of necessity.

I know for a fact that I wouldn't have fought him on anything except for the children. If not for them, I would have folded and slunk away, and tried to start a new life. But then I might not have been forced to confront all of the necessary stuff in therapy - an ongoing process for me. I wonder if I might have chosen someone like him again? (I am no longer scared that I'll ever do this.)

All I know is that every woman arrives here at this place as a pushover. What happens next is critical.

Sigh. Yes, Kat, my brave bra burning comrade here, three years of fighting and he still gets overnights. Then again, he chose not to take them for his very first weekend. If he keeps them in his apartment, which I think is reasonably safe, and he hides his shit from them for now, and then he loses interest in them fast, which is likely, there is still a chance. Prayers gratefully accepted. I don't know why this has happened to me, or any of us. Therapist and therapist and book after book tells me to stop asking this question. But I can't.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a very real fear I have. Society, morality. The incredible pervasiveness of meaningless sex in everything. Hardly a single web search, YouTube inquiry, NO TV show is without it. Kids see porn, at least some "soft" porn ALL. THE. TIME. Victoria's Secret commercials, etc. Cheerleaders aren't cheerleaders, they are slightly better clad "exotic" dancers. I have seen young kids in primary school doing dances that had them shake their tops and booties. Really! Young girls with JUICY on their butts. First grade boys who use the word "sexy" to describe a classmate. Am I the only one who sees this as demeaning women and cheapening the sex act, which shouldn't just be another bodily function?

I fear that their are few people left who have what I consider "healthy" sexual attitudes.

Maybe I'm just really a prude.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, kst. It is EVERYWHERE. Pervasive.

We who see it, call it, raise ire against it, are called prudes. It is socially acceptable to sexualize everything, and the further this goes, the more we are painted as the wrong ones. The mass effect of society normalizing this is used to point to our "wrongness."

It's this attitude that kept me weak for a long time. I allowed myself to believe I was unreasonable.

Now I would rather be alone than in a relationship that decries my values.

ChoosingHope, thanks for your wise words.

I hate the woman I became. I don't recognize her. The courage for me was finally seeing how far I'd fallen and lost myself, and finding the strength to reclaim the woman I am.

No children here, and grateful every day for that. (Not that kids are bad, but kids with HIM would be bad)

We saw his parents recently. The FOO issues are palpable. Highly immaure mother who treats her husband like a child, and expects her son (my sa) to fill the partner role.

Treading carefully here, too. I am married to a self-described sociopath.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what else pisses me off? People who use their FOO issues as excuses for their bad behavior. OK I recognize that some SAs had horrific childhood abuse. Mine didn't. He was horribly shy, his mother was controlling, but so so supportive in her disfunctional way, his father worked shift work, but was their for EVERY event, camera in hand. I would have given a lot for one kind word from my mother let alone have her attend a graduation, an award ceremony, ANYTHING. I never even told her when I graduated college. What was the point?

I NEVER used my past as an excuse to be a dishonest person, let alone hurt anyone I loved.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah. I don't think FOO crap should give anyone a free pass.

For all I can tell, my dad has strong narcissistic tendencies. But, I get to decide what kind of life I will live,

I briught up FOO more as a testament to the circus that is the backdrop of my SAs life. It took me seeing HIM clearly to begin to see his nuthouse family clearly (and vice versa...it was like eyes opening all at once).

What ia helpful for me is to see that with the FOO stuff, there's a greater likelihood of him not changing. Again, not letting him off the hook at all, but more like, it makes it clear to me all that dysfunction is something he chooses to not overcome, and his behavior is something he sees as "normal" *rollseyes*


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that spouses of SAs have a heightened sensitivity to sex in our society. Now that I'm three years out and divorced from a SA, I no longer even notice sex in movies or pop culture. It no longer bothers me. But it took a long time.

Meleanoro - mine is a sociopath too, and once you get outside the SA/CSAT world, most sex addict behavior is considers "sociopathic." In other words, not an addiction, but a total disregard for society's rules and mores. This is what came out in our custody evaluation and in court. The psychologist and judge kept saying, "SA isn't even in the DSM-V." (I've said that here, but none of us like to hear it.) They were far more comfortable using terms like "sociopathic behavior."

My ex's mother was domineering and obsessed with her son, and she treated her husband like he was a complete idiot. So there you go. Patterns and similarities everywhere, as usual.

Red, I didn't congratulate you for getting away. Good luck with the rest of your life. I hope many good things come your way.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'll be less sensitive, but I truly think we cheapen sex by using it to sell everything. And I'm so glad I didn't raise girls. They just seem so much more difficult. Not to mention, I'd never know what to do with their hair....having little style sense myself.

As to the DSM-V, IMO, that is all politics and the ridiculous tendency of the social sciences to change their positions on thing like this every seven years or so. Oh, I get the lack of empirical data issue, I do, but people simply cannot always be tested accurately, and brain science is evolving rapidly. We have too much to learn to dismiss this behavior as nonsense.

As an example of how flawed these judgments and labels can be, in 1976, my first year teaching, I had a young 6 year old who, in retrospect was an autistic savant. When I asked for an evaluation by a team leader, I was told he was communication delayed and would grow out of his problems. Of course he didn't.

Addicts behave in certain ways, self destructive ways. 12 step programs work for them. If they work the program.

I'm seeing ducks. I'm not caring what a bunch of white coats are saying today, they may change their minds tomorrow. . Results matter to me.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:46 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggered today. Found a note in my smartphone that I put there right after DD. I copied and pasted what I found when I searched for his email and a profile came up on a pic sharing site. Such disturbing subject matter. So unpleasant. The profiles amd passwords were given, I did as much digging as I could, and all was eventually deleted. This was before the deleting...still during painful discovery. I just stumbled across it today and now I feel those stomach dropping sensations. Followed by anger, followed by sadness, followed by confusion.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
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