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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Concerned  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SA husband admitted that he acted out to porn on his phone that isn't even a smart phone, but somehow he managed to do it. At this point I'm beginning to realize the unhealthy environment I am in. I basically told while I am grateful for his honesty, I am not sure how long I can do this. I'm becoming sick both psychologically and physically. He admitted to knowing this. He has cancelled his internet on the phone and has also decided against getting his smart phone back. The kicker is that we are going to the lawyer on Sunday as he is going to change the pre-nup and pay for it. He knows that he caused all of this.

This doesn't mean I'm getting a divorce. It means that if he does cheat on me again, I will be getting a divorce, but at least I will not be walking away with nothing.


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is still lying to me. He says he's told me all of it, but I know that's not true. The fact that he continues to gaslight, disrespect, and fricking hurt me this way, makes it impossible for me to be around him at all. I had to sit and talk with him through my daughter's hospital stay and it just about killed me. I can't stand the sound of his voice or the sight of him. It feels like he's continuing to betray, violate, and devalue me. How do I get past the rage I feel every time he writes that he'll do anything he can to help me, that he's full of remorse, that he's a changed man and is being totally honest with me now? I feel like punching a hole in the wall every time.

[This message edited by OnlyDo at 6:14 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living with an active addict of any kind is horrible. A sex addict is soul crushing.

I'm holding you in the *****LIGHT****


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3527 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is still lying to me.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but thank you for putting this so bluntly. I needed the reminder. I keep getting myself tied up in knots going round with all the excuses or rationales for his behavior, when it boils right down to exactly what you said. He is still lying, gaslighting, disrespecting and hurting me. He needs to deal with the rationales, etc.

Out of curiosity, does anyone else's SA do some sort of messaging group where they text one another? I'm thinking if it were all above-board, he wouldn't have tried to hide it from me in the first place, and if his principal means of acting out was through instant messaging and texting, is that really something he would be encouraged to do?


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aspen, IDK about SAs, but my SAFWH isn't all that comfortable with texting. However, my son in AA and my brother in NA do use texting a lot.

But I think you need to do serious investigation.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3527 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Angry  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, I'm not living with him anymore. I'd rather be sleeping under a bridge than sharing a home with that man.

Aspen, I've finally come to realize the "why" is not something I'll ever know. He doesn't even know. He did it because he wanted to. Why he wanted to is something he'll need to figure out on his own. Somewhere deep down he just decided he should be able to do what he wanted with no regard for family, promises, love.FTG.

I just wish he'd stop pretending he's doing everything he can when he wont do the one thing I've asked for. It's like he's trying to get me to participate in his fantasy world. Been there, done that, never going back again.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Onlydo))))

FTG indeed.

You've probably heard this, but you likely serve as a false/fantasy mirror for him. By maintaining a seemingly "normal" marriage with you, he gets to pretend to himself he has a stable life, nothing needs fixing. The life with you upholds his self-delusional fantasies. It's like a prop.

One day I realized I am loved as an object. Just as porn and fantasy serve my SA as sexual objects, my role serves him as how he sees himself as the good guy, KISA. He cannot see any of this. I question his capacity (and more critically, his willingness) to step back and see the whole facade.

As for your rage--maybe accept it? It is where you are/what you feel. Resisting our feelings usually buries them, and then they come back later. I try to sink into the physical feeling of my anger (sadness, whatever). Rather than let my mind run, I tune into how all that physically feels. I let it ride its course. Later, I journal. In terms of responding to him, can you consider NC for a set period of time, so you can each focus on your own stuff?


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jan 2005
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all I have been AWOL and not keeping up. Summer is kicking my butt, and as I am slowly going into the light, I have less time to come here. ) My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Yet, despite my best efforts, I have been blasted back a few steps. So I finally called my OB to schedule my yearly, I am now a year overdue. Obviously I resent going there because she knows my whole story, so it's understandable my delay. But I can't NOT go, I will have to do this the rest of my life no matter what happens.

Then I find out my OB is closing her practice here. Moving out of state. Already stopped doing appointments locally. My GP, who does not know my whole story, can't give me a pap smear, it has to be an OB. So now I have to find a whole new person to show my stuff under the hood, argue my other less popular (unrelated to SA) women's health choices AGAIN, then decide whether to tell them my sexual history and situation. If I don't, they won't be as vigilant to check for things. If I do, then already they think I'm cray-cray for enduring it and choosing to stay in addition to the unrelated choices. Meanwhile SAWH has NEVER had to tell his whole story to anyone but CSATs and his sponsor. Obviously I am furious, resentful, triggering out, and generally in a dour mood. So you can be three years out, things looking great, and still get blindsided even if you and the SA is doing what they are supposed to be doing.

So yeah, we have discussed it. I unloaded all my frustration. He took it way better than he has such things in the past, obviously making strides in therapy. Assumed responsibility and fault, apologized for putting me in the position of continually being subjected to stuff like this. Asked what he could do, would it help if he came with, explained the history to the doctor for me, etc. Which while is a nice gesture is about the only thing that could make me look more crazy and codep, lol.

It is disheartening. I question whether anyone is worth this at times like these. I like to bring rays of hope here when I can, but I want to be authentic and caution the realities of recovery even under good conditions.

Holding you all in the light....


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
Twentyplus
♀ Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Hath...I can so relate.

Tomorrow have appt with new young OB referred by urologist to see if maybe have some STD moving from vag to bladder causing reoccurring UTIs after sex. Not highly probable, but still gotta do the thing again. Timing of prior testing could have missed. My Immune system a struggling part of the whole PTSD package. Have HPV on my mind too.

This plus continuing financial & social fallout 3.5 ys in. Some days I just want to sell the house, close the business & screw the whole 38 year thing. This is one. This bright summer day.

Like Blake says, god help us all.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hath)))

Not your shame. HIS shame.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, Hath. Yet we know these docs have heard it all. I'm always depressed and pissed around my annual, too. SAFWH offered himself to the gynecological gods, too.

Still sucks big time.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3527 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sucks, Hath. It just relives it for you again in a way.

I wonder...is it possible to speak in broad strokes to the new OB?

What you wrote about them thinking you are crazy to stay reminds me of the hurtful push backs we endure as partners of SAs (or ex partners). Some of us are told by family members to suck it up, excuse bad male behavior, etc. Others are judged for staying.

Hath, I will say I found planned parenthood to be very compassionate. This may not be true of every PP, and I know some folks don't wish to support them. But at mine, I did feel heard, and not at all judged.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jan 2005
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been trying to find myself and haven't been on SI much. This post really hit home though.


My husband is still lying to me. He says he's told me all of it, but I know that's not true. The fact that he continues to gaslight, disrespect, and fricking hurt me this way, makes it impossible for me to be around him at all. It feels like he's continuing to betray, violate, and devalue me. How do I get past the rage I feel every time he writes that he'll do anything he can to help me, that he's full of remorse, that he's a changed man and is being totally honest with me now? I feel like punching a hole in the wall every time.

It feels like he is betraying, violating and devaluing you because he is. Such a sad state. He probably has no clue, deep in his denial and feeding his addiction while you are the only one who pays the consequences of HIS choices.

How do you get past the rage is a rough one. I struggled with this so bad. So stuck in my own denial. It would infuriate me that he would treat me the way he was. The real problem for me anyways was that I was the real problem. You can't set your purse next to a known claustrophobic and then wonder why they stole from you. I knew who STBEXWH was yet somehow I expected him to grow up. When he didn't - I wanted to kill him.

I just found my way out of denial. It is a HORRIBLE place to be and I lived there for years. I really hope I can stay off that nasty river that WILL kill me if I let it. Tonight - as my heart bleeds for my family, I have read and re-read old journal entries to remind myself I have felt this way for almost two years. Almost two years and NOTHING has changed. So what exactly am I mourning? Crushed dreams and a man who isn't who I thought he was at all.

((((HUGS))))


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I will say I found planned parenthood to be very compassionate. This may not be true of every PP, and I know some folks don't wish to support them. But at mine, I did feel heard, and not at all judged.

Hmmm. Not a bad idea. I did not do PP last time because they are not close to me (which complicates childcare issues) and they did not do the full panel of STD tests I got at my OB's office. But that was more than two years ago, they may have access to all the tests now IDK. And like you said perhaps I could just do the broad strokes at a new OB, and say I want all the tests available anyway for peace of mind.

It's just annoying to have to deal with this period. And I am additionally worried about electronic medical records now. On the one hand, it's awesome any medical person with access to your records can find everything about you when you need to be treated. OTOH, some stuff you would rather not ALL the medical people know. And while you'd think a mammogram tech or podiatrist or skin doctor or whatever wouldn't care to look at your OB records, sadly many of them might just to verify the last date of your period or meds or whatever. IDK that I want that level of detail in my records for all to see. Maybe it is best that my existing paper records might languish in a warehouse somewhere, and hopefully they won't be scanned.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hath,
I have no idea how e-records work now (Ive been out of country a while) but I wonder if this gives another nudge to PP.

They *seem* to have more layers of privacy. As a random example, I think a person could get checked anonymously there, depending on the state. I'm not advocating you do that, but maybe a call is in order to ask them about their screening available plus privacy/record sharing policy.

Last year I was upset at the idea I should consider std screening. I have no concrete proof of WH having any PAs, but a trip he took to another country had/has me concerned. So, I can relate to how pissy and unfair it is to even have to think about this stuff. :(


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jan 2005
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of curiosity, does anyone else's SA do some sort of messaging group where they text one another? I'm thinking if it were all above-board, he wouldn't have tried to hide it from me in the first place, and if his principal means of acting out was through instant messaging and texting, is that really something he would be encouraged to do?

Quaking, this sounds darn fishy.

Ugh.

You probably know this, but showing your hand to him may force him underground more. Try to dig into this further without probing him more, or else he's likely to erase stuff.

Honestly I wrote the above paragraph and immediately thought, "what a ridiculous fucking life I live, having to now think of outgaming my husband."

:|


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jan 2005
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((CoSA1977))))

I hear you.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jan 2005
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quaking, I know a lot of 12 step groups of all kinds do text each other for support. While this is admirable, like you said may not be the best form of support for one who used texting/chat to support their active addiction. We have to remember that 12 step is all volunteers, not medical professionals, and they are addicts, even if in recovery. They don't always make the best choices in the best of circumstances, and usually circumstances are not good anyway. If he's hiding stuff, then it's not legit. Transparency of this stuff with you and his sponsor/therapist is vital to his recovery.

Related example. The first SA meeting my SAWH went to, a guy offered to be his sponsor right away. Gave him his number, but told him to be discreet with his messages, etc because his wife still didn't know. :/ Obviously this guy has no business sponsoring anybody. But SAWH at that time was so warped he had to be told that, he couldn't see it himself in his active addiction state.

So while you don't want to get into an accountability role for him, IMHO you knowing about this stuff is vital to your own health and being able to make the best decisions for yourself.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CoSA1977)) I strongly urge you to get the most favorable post nup you can under the law, strike while the guilt appears to be there. I'd recommend this for anyone that can have post-nups, as well as getting them to put in writing they give up custody of kids in the event of divorce if that is legal where you are. If they are truly motivated, they will agree to it and seek recovery.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just annoying to have to deal with this period. And I am additionally worried about electronic medical records now. On the one hand, it's awesome any medical person with access to your records can find everything about you when you need to be treated. OTOH, some stuff you would rather not ALL the medical people know. And while you'd think a mammogram tech or podiatrist or skin doctor or whatever wouldn't care to look at your OB records, sadly many of them might just to verify the last date of your period or meds or whatever. IDK that I want that level of detail in my records for all to see. Maybe it is best that my existing paper records might languish in a warehouse somewhere, and hopefully they won't be scanned.

Gosh, Hath, that's a whole lot of shame that you're carrying around. I'm so sorry.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Oct 2011
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