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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been on ADs for just over a week now. Not feeling that much better yet, but the anxiety is definitely improving. Now that my mind has slowed down, I feel like I'm starting to see reality. If you go by the stages of grief, I think that now that I can calm down, I'm left with depression. It's actually a relief after all of the panic attacks.

I can see clearly right now just how much I twist myself up in order to follow him wherever he goes. I'm not going to do that anymore. I find that living with a born again Christian is too much to handle. After abandoning us for years, he expects that he can now swoop in and take over. Now he wants to take the kids to his church every week. I don't mean to offend any Christians around. It's just that this very much feels like his new addiction. He's going back to some of his old ways. As soon as he gets home, he hides away to watch videos or read the Bible. He's not here any more than he was before in a lot of ways. I'm seeing now that he will probably never find balance in his life.

I wish I had left right in the beginning. I have one prospect for a bit of extra money, but nothing permanent yet. I'm so tired of not being in control of my life. I have no idea where to go from here.


I'm sorry for all the ladies here suffering too. Hugs to everyone.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 793 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you still hurting. My H has decided that 2 meetings a wk (I'm asking for 60 days) and IC is too hard for him to do, he has been sober on his own for 5 mos now though. I told him he does his work or he moves out, we've been in house separated for a wk now and he doesn't think he wants to continue the marriage. I've been pretty torn up but am so grateful for my COSA group. Today I realize he will regret this decision for the rest of his life, our kids and I are amazing and he doesn't deserve us. His life will be pathetic but he thinks the grass is greener. I'm smart, attractive, and kind and know I will survive. It will be so hard since we've been together since high school and that scares me to death, I never wanted to be with anyone else, still don't, but I deserve so much better....we all do.


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, sex addict, then 12 mos EA/2 mos PA with co-worker whore
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap PA began.
Separated, R during divor

Posts: 507 | Registered: Nov 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true, JLS, so true. I think it is too, too hard to do this on your own for a prolonged time. I am a believer in 12 step groups for addicts, having seen the difference it has made in my family members.

Sad, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I do relate to what you are saying. I get what you mean about subbing one addiction for another. Even god can take an addict away from one's family. Sometimes they get strong enough to be able to have balance. Sometimes not.

We cannot control them, never can, we can only control our reaction to them.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you. Full disclaimer . . . I'm including myself, too. It's not been the best of weeks for me. When we go months without talking about his addiction/affair/acting out/adultery (they're all "A" words?), I do much better. But when I try to broach the subject, things deteriorate. He doesn't abuse me, he doesn't act out, but he closes down and detaches. So I'm hurting. More than anything, I'm despairing. And I'm questioning. Sigh.

So I need some advice. In a nutshell, my SLAWH is white-knuckling his primary addiction and has transferred his acting out to computer gaming. I can deal with that (although I hate that we, his family, have little to none of his attention). He is going to a therapist who, while not a CSAT, is an addiction specialist. Because of their schedules, they only see each other every 3 to 4 weeks, on average. He's not reading, he's not posting on SI, he's not attending a 12-step group. My gut, though, is pretty spot-on and it hasn't been acting up. All good.

Last Monday night, we had a conversation. I'd prepared him for 3 days that I'd like to talk. He said OK. He never brought it up again, so I asked for Monday night. I had 4 points to cover: 1, could we have a similar conversation every week (sure); 2, would he please buy me gifts on special occasions (we'd just had our 23rd anniversary and I got nothing); 3, would he consider posting on SI (didn't feel was ready/would ask his therapist); 4, would he elaborate on his statement 6 weeks ago that he felt remorse and regret now. Basically, the conversation was "meh," and he felt that it, again, showed my disappointment in him (ya think?) and my desire to control his recovery. He ended it by turning off the lights and refusing to speak about it more. I ended it by saying, into the dark, that I felt he was being unfair and that I had legitimate questions (to which he responded that I did, but that he wasn't ready). I left to cry in private.

This morning, I read a book by Rhyll Croshaw called "What Can I Do About Me?" It was wonderful and it talked about setting appropriate boundaries. I get it, when she talks about it, but don't know how to set boundaries w/o attempting to or even appearing to control him. My two major needs, right now, are to have regular conversations with him to see where he is, yet I can't get him to open up, and to feel safe in our relationship (as safe as possible with someone not sober). I explained how our chat went. What I haven't explained is a new development, a slippery slope one, that breaks my heart because he's . . . stupid! Can I name-call on this forum?

Although I don't regularly check his phone/e-mail/FB, I do have his passwords and do scan them occasionally. Well, about a week ago, I saw him friend request a "pretty young thing" (my words--she's 23) who he met in a year-long certification course that involved, primarily, weekly skyped courses from a state far away from ours. The course participants met a couple times, but I know there was no funny business between them. The course has been over for 2 months. He saw, through his prof's FB friends, this young lady and requested the friendship. She accepted. And he promptly went through her photos and liked several along with a post of hers or two. Two things stand out and are making me weepy: he liked a bikini shot of her, from behind, shot 2 years ago (so not a random photo she just posted, right?, but one he went looking for); and last night, while at a play with our family, he took a photo of something to send to her. She is innocent; she has NO idea he's fantasizing about her; she (and maybe even he--because he's a dolt) doesn't know that he's grooming her for an EA (before his A two years ago, his mode of operation throughout our M).

I know I need to set a boundary, but how do I do it without controlling him? Without saying that he can't have her as a FB friend?

Also, how do I encourage--if I can--his doing more recovery-related work? He admits he's stuck. He admits he talks to his therapist about this. But I can't get more detail than that.

Sorry so long. Because I kept crying and obsessing while doing dishes, I knew I needed to come post and get some actual advice. Thanks.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 7:05 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. As gently as possible. Your setting boundaries that say he should not have friends of the opposite sex and like their bikini shot pictures is NOT CONTROLLING. You have every right to insist on this. It is SO like we as spouses of SAs to roll over and think we don't have that right! Of course we do!

He is still blame shifting. This time the excuse us that you are "controlling" therefore he cannot really work on his recovery.

I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you what I did when I felt there wasn't the progress I needed. I insisted on several things. I insisted he step up his 12 step work. He was floundering, not really working toward anything. I didn't need details, but I wanted and insisted on a weekly check in which we modeled after the one in Milton Magness's book. He was to continue with his CSAT and be diligent about it.

Honey, why are you accepting less than you deserve? I know you are attending COSA, please but those lessons to work for you.

He CAN'T have her as a facebook friend! This is a serious slip! If he cannot see this, he isn't in recovery, not at all. I'd like to ring his neck...

(((((((Ripped)))))))


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad kat weighed in, for I go through similar feelings, rippedsoul.

The whole boundaries around the FB stuff--wow, yes, what kat wrote. That isn't remotely controlling: it's you deciding what kind of marriage and husband you want, and defining those boundaries for YOUR life accordingly.

Where I get hung up, and it sounds like you, too, is the stuff that is about what you need him to DO versus not do. For example, open communication.

I can't wrap my head around boundaries on the things I need that take action/assertion on my SAs part. Him being PA doesn't help. The dynamic can quickly devolve into a parent/child relationship. I abhor needing to Spell.Shit.Out.

While I get people can't read our minds, it's a buzzkill, in the least, to define stuff like "emotional maturity" to a partner. So what happens is my needs get wholly unfulfilled because it's more stressful to manage defining all this stuff to him than to let it go. But in letting it go, I pull further away from him...and there's little real love left.

I don't know about you, ripped, but it also seems to me like my husband doesn't get or want to get the idea of "spirit of the law" (I use law metaphorically here). It's like, if I don't specifically define in highly narrow terms a boundary, it doesn't exist for him. "No porn" to him probably means "no videos of real people having naked sex" and despite my obviously strong feelings about it, he'll justify crap like "coworker in bikini" because I don't include that specificity in my definitions.

UGH.

Ripped, know this: you are not being controlling of him. You are protecting yourself. He spins it around by making it a control issue because it enables him to continue to avoid changing his life. (((Ripped))))


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Mele was far more articulate than I. I'll elaborate by giving another example.

SAFWH'S last "slip" was several years ago. No porn, no strippers. He is a tennis fan, newly (forced) retired,too much time on his hands, feeling inadequate. He was watching matches, computer on his lap and started googling tennis stars. No males, of course. ALL in those skimpy dresses. Some of those searches, several pages in,were absolutely porn. Hard core. Now, IDK if he even went that far in the search. He may have only searched a few pages. Bad enough, slippery slope. Did he admit to it immediately? Of course not. I slept elsewhere,he took it to his group, sponsor and CSAT and all agreed, slip.
That's not control, that's boundary setting. The difference was that I knew I had the right to determine what I would and would not accept.
I'm prepared to leave this marriage if any bull crap recurs. He knows it, I know it

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:07 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's not control, that's boundary setting. The difference was that I knew I had the right to determine what I would and would not accept.
I'm prepared to leave this marriage if any bull crap recurs. He knows it, I know it

Stepping away from SA just for a moment, just imagine if marriages had no boundaries! You wouldn't have to be faithful to your spouse. You wouldn't have to support them in sickness or in health. You could beat them. You could scream at them and tell them that they are stupid and worthless. You could walk out and back in at any time.

This is why healthy people have boundaries - healthy people instinctually know what their boundaries are. One of the most difficult things for me in terms of my divorce is telling my story to psychologists, custody evaluators, lawyers, and judges. NONE of them understand why I didn't have better boundaries. Why I continued to let him do this stuff to me. It was impossible for me to explain that he was getting help in the "quiet periods" - that he promised to do better next time.

Sigh. All I can tell you is that my healthy friends would go CRAZY if their husbands friended a 23-year-old and then liked bikini shots. It would be a major crisis for them. And I'm fairly certain their husbands would end up shutting down their FB accounts and going to marital counseling for a long, long time.

I think it takes a lot of courage to post this sort of question and read the replies. So, hang in there, and please don't feel like putting up healthy boundaries means that you are "controlling" anyone.



Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Kat, Mele, and Hope! I appreciate your advice--truly--and I rely on it. It helps to keep me sane. And, even though I power through much of this on my own and don't post too often, I read every, single word y'all write. You have my back. Someday, I hope to return the favor!

So . . . according to the time stamp on my post, I sent my plea for help yesterday at 4:39. About 5 minutes later, he got home, and, five minutes after that, he deleted her as a friend. I'd said nothing; I'd hinted nothing. The closest I'd come to questioning him was when he was taking the picture and telling me who it was for. I asked if he had friended lots of people from the class; he answered "only the ones I found on J's (his professor) page."

The most likely thing to have happened is that he realized his own stupidity (the SA takes over, sometimes, but when it doesn't, he's brilliant) and removed the temptation. I like that. It makes me hopeful.

Less likely, but possible, is that he read my post and immediately corrected his error. It's not outside the realm of possibility, but while he may have checked the site out before, I truly don't think he lurks. And the window was so tight. Also, before deleting her, he deleted a young man who's an acquaintance of our family and a friend of our eldest daughter. Seems like if he was responding to my post, he'd have done her first? And only?

Either way, since I'd be thrilled for him to read more of SI, I guess I'm happy with either catalyst--his own personal Jiminy Cricket or my desperate shout out for advice. What do you think?

Next step, do I bring it up? Or just keep monitoring it and not say anything unless something similar happens again? I feel like I've gotten to a point (due to my membership here, my research, my attendance at S-Anon) where I don't frantically and maniacally and obsessively check his electronic social life anymore. I don't want to go back to that. And I like that he doesn't necessarily know what channels I have to check up on him and where I get all my info, so I have a way to double-check his truthfulness (and to rebuild trust). Despite his lack of progress, he hadn't seemed to slip much. Until friending her. So since he possibly corrected his own actions, do I just sit on the knowledge until it behooves me/us to bring it up?

I'll definitely have to talk to my IC about the whole boundaries thing. Like Hope said, marriage--life even--is a series of boundaries. I don't think I've ever needed them spelled out for me. Growing up is a series of course-corrections for all of us, but he's never needed to set a boundary for me regarding members of the opposite sex. When I once asked how he'd feel if I'd done all this to him, he said he couldn't; it was simply inconceivable that I would (he's right).

So setting boundaries isn't a muscle I've exercised much. Obviously, I need to hit the gym in that regard. I think my children take advantage of me in much the same way he does. Some of it, according to my therapist, is age appropriate. But I DO so terribly dislike "spelling out" what I need/want from the rest of my family. Is it really so hard to clear dishes after a meal? After 14 or 16 or 18 years of practice? I do NOT do it for them, but I have to remind them. Still. And it forever irks me. I don't remember being that way . . . Any recommendations for good boundary-setting books? And thanks, Kat, for the Milton Magness reference. Does he have only one book?

Again, thanks! I know weekends don't bring a lot of traffic, so your responses were a tad miraculous. I needed to be heard and guided.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ripped Soul, so sorry to hear of these developments. :(

Hath, I feel that telling my story to anyone I don't want to tell it to is re-traumatizing to me and I won't do it. For medical providers, I just say, "I need for you to know that I am in the highest category of risk for STDs and to order comprehensive tests accordingly. I do not want to get into details about it and I don't think I need to for you to treat me effectively. To safeguard my health I need you to check me out for STDs as diligently and thoroughly as medical science allows!"

Choosinghope, congratulations on your divorce!


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I need for you to know that I am in the highest category of risk for STDs and to order comprehensive tests accordingly. I do not want to get into details about it and I don't think I need to for you to treat me effectively. To safeguard my health I need you to check me out for STDs as diligently and thoroughly as medical science allows!"

BRAVO!!!!!!!!! Perfect.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cds, amazing response. AND good show of boundaries!

Ripped, I'm so glad this helped over the weekend. I've been in those urgent scenarios many times before, and feeling alone sucks. It's the feeling alone that kept me unempowered and tolerating stuff in my marriage far longer than I should have. So, HUGS to you.

It's good to hear he made some changes on his own. It seems like there's a tricky blkance between us speaking up, and us letting them deal with their own train wrecks like grown adults. Maybe he put his big boy pants on

I don't have a very specific boundary book, but "when I say no, I feel guilty" was liberating for me. So, it may give you some courage. Meanwhile, maybe another member here has a good boundary book idea. You might also google search "boundaries and consequences." I found researching "natural consequences" to be helpful.

Something that's bugged me about consequences, if we look at, say, the dishes, is they often harm us. For example, spouses of alcoholics are encouraged to let him lie in his vomit, not get to work, etc. But those things also hurt the spouse: smelly, gross house. No income. The kids aren't hurt if the dishes aren't done, but there they are, bugging you. :(

Choosinghope, your reminder was so useful--thank you. The essence of marriage, and all relationships, relates to boundaries. It is how we choose who/what is right for us.

[This message edited by meleanoro at 12:00 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, your new, healthier self is an inspiration. The wisdom that comes with hard learned lessons is obvious. Thanks.

Magness has a bunch of stuff, but IDK about books. His web site is a good one. There are links to YouTube videos, one of which clearly shows his empathy and understood of the spouse's trauma. He is writing a book specifically for spouses.

Ripped, I guess it doesn't matter why he backtracked on his stupidity. But I believe you should check whatever, whenever and for as long as you need. Not a codependent act, but a way to insure that you won't be blindsided by another atom bomb. Each time you find nothing , it will build trust. But each time there is something, you experience trauma and have to regroup.
Eventually, you don't need to check. I still do one in awhile. SAFWH is fine. He has nothing to hide, so he hides nothing.

Another example. He got a new phone. I picked it up, it was convenient for me to look up something. I noticed that the web history was cleared. RED FLAG. I then started snooping and found some .apk program, Findhotties.apk. I ask him, he was clueless. BTW, this was bought as a refurbed phone. I know that .apk often are downloaded along with other free apps and this wasn't showing up on his app list. It is an anime, guess-the-difference game, not his taste, lol.
But I was pissed about the browser history. I told him that and left the room. A little while later he came in and should me that the phone settings were such that history was cleared upon exit. That's how the phone came.

That is one of my boundaries, one he earned. He is fine with it. I can check, and ask questions any time. This is a consequence of his past behavior, but, more importantly, its a way for me to regain security. That is his goal.

Recovery isn't linear. And it is a way of life.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:19 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks scaredyKat. I feel like I've been cruising on hope for so long and I'm now starting to crash. I really do want to see him for who he is instead of what I would like him to be. No matter what that means in the end.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 793 | Registered: Mar 2013
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear sadone,

the evolution of waking up is nebulous, uncertain, and requires a lot of self honesty.

Intuitively I knew things were off in my M but over time, and with some IC help, I saw my H lives in a fantasy world, and to a certain extent, I was mired in fantasy by not seeing him objectively.

The duality of our spouse's nature makes seeing the dark sides so hard. Because we can't compute: if we fully see and rise in awareness of their dark choices, how do we value or make sense of the healthy/good traits?

While all humans are gray to an extent, we are married to people who live way more on the black end of the spectrum than we do. It doesn't mean they don't also have light, but those dark parts dominate their lives and choices.

Our job is to ultimately choose what we'll live with. Looking honestly at our spouses is necessary to make that painful decision. For me, I put off seeing my H's true nature to avoid making painful decisions. But in doing so, I really only prolonged my pain.

---

this quote from a "best posts for newbies" describes well where I stand right now. It's hard to be here:


8. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, and not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear?

9. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you learned to tolerate and put up with a great deal of stress, unpredictability and capriciousness from your spouse? Are you somewhat numb to your own needs and desires? Are you reluctant to state them, and hope he will come to his senses and the two of you can recapture or at least go back to what was?



Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do want to see him for who he is instead of what I would like him to be. No matter what that means in the end.
Here's where I am now that I am out of the SA relationship, for what it's worth. I can now live with brutal realities, but I cannot tolerate murkiness in my life. What this means for me right now, as I heal and start to figure out my way forward, is that I don't trust people yet and I can't tolerate lying of any sort. I remain very detached from even the possibility of an intimate relationship with a man but I'm very happy with all the other relationships in my life, which I neglected during the marriage. I am proud of my ability to handle the brutal realities. It was hard-earned.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Aug 2010
seriously2many
♀ New Member
Member # 38979
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a long time reader and have only posted 1 or 2 times last year. My H and I have been separated since April of last year. We have had multiple D days starting with a separation in 2005. I thought that was a one time affair and when we reconciled in 2006 I believed we had gotten through and as long as I was being the good wife and meeting his needs he wouldn't stray again. Never did I think he could be an SA and was continuing to have "just sex" affairs through out our marriage.

Then last year he told me that he had had multiple affairs, a possible OC, and was leaving me to "work on himself". Come to find out he was in another affair and thought he was in love. The affair had to end because it was with a subordinate and he was closing to losing his job.

I found journal entries of his talking about how he was already starting to treat her like he treated me (being mean, disrespectful) and that they had discussed her getting a different job so that they could be together. The only way she would get a different job is if he filed for divorce. He didn't file so the affair ended (to my knowledge anyway).

So here we are over a year later and neither of us is filing. We still spend time together but in the last few months it has become more sparse. He is still saying that the guilt is eating him alive and he can't be around me because of the pain he feels when he looks at me. I actually don't think he's involved in an affair right now because when I check up on things that he's telling me or I just randomly stop by his apt. everything checks out. My gut tells me he's not having an affair as well (but I also know I ignored my gut a lot during our entire marriage).

Anyway, I really just need to vent and process and no one in real life understands what I'm going through. I did go to counseling and SANON. I stopped my counseling for the summer because I feel like she wasn't informed enough about SA to really help me. She just kept pushing me to divorce (or that's what if felt like). I don't like the format of SANON and have actually found a group that I do like. I go to it on Monday nights and I look forward to it every Monday!

When we separated before I posted a lot on Marriage Builders and it really helped me, so I think I need to start posting more regularly on here. I know all of you can understand the roller coaster I'm on.

So last night he basically wanted me to come over and be intimate and cuddle. I finally said no that I needed more than that and I don't want to be used. He then talked again about how he can't forgive himself, he can't give me more. He only feels pain and immense guilt when he's around me. We can't get past this. I can't love him like he needs to be loved and he can't love and appreciate me like I need. He's done too much to me, etc. We need to start going our separate ways... Then he texted me an hour after the end of that text exchange saying "Wouldn't it have been easier if you would have just come over. And more satisfying... "

I apologize for rambling on and probably not making sense. I really just needed to vent and maybe get your thoughts.


Me - 41 - IC, S-Anon
WH - 40 - Hasn't chosen recovery
M - 16 years, 2 teenage children
Dday1 - 9/6/05 (separated 10 months)
Dday 2 - 6/20/06
Dday 3 TT from Jan. 2013 - May 2013
He moved out 4/8/13
Status: Separated and in limbo

Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night he basically wanted me to come over and be intimate and cuddle.

Yikes. That crosses so many boundaries it makes my head spin. Good for you for saying no. It's hard to believe he would even propose such a thing.

I can't love him like he needs to be loved and he can't love and appreciate me like I need.

The way he "needs" to be loved is for you to be the perfect wife/the perfect emotional support, but most of all the person who looks the other way as he has affair after affair after affair. That's what he's saying to you here. He also needs you to keep all his secrets in the name of "love."

You are worth so much more than this, seriously2many. Believe me, I was there once. Please continue to detach. You can read more about it the 180 in the Healing Library.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented, this is how I'm feeling too, though not as far in as you. I still have wavering thoughts, but mostly, I know now that getting close to him is what causes my stress. I can't do it anymore, even if we do stay together for a while for convenience.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 793 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out yesterday that my husband chose to break NC and go see OW 2 times this week at her work, said he needed to talk to her and figure his head out. Luckily I had gps on him and saw it, I made the choice easy for him and am filing for divorce ASAP. He's such a pathetic, manipulative asshole.


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, sex addict, then 12 mos EA/2 mos PA with co-worker whore
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap PA began.
Separated, R during divor

Posts: 507 | Registered: Nov 2013
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