Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Pfau (45310)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
Twentyplus
♀ Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl! Thank you, thank you. This is why I keep coming back. Flashlight in the dark when I need it most. When the roller coaster takes another plunge and my body dissociates. Even sober, this man is so broken that emotional abuse is his second skin. I will have courage & learn to live in my own. I will copy your post & save.


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sodamnlost,
You are taking great first steps with your DD. And all of your ideas around filtering her Internet are 100% on point. You are great mom and you are doing a great job. Your daughter can get better and I know you will do all you can to protect her. Hugs and hugs and hugs. Keep posting please.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your posts.
Determinata - yes, on reflection I can see that he does turn to sex when he is stressed or when things are going badly.
You are completely correct concerning targeting vulnerable women so they "fall in love with him and he is powerless to resist their advances."
Which is exactly why I suspected him of at least ea with BFs Wife.
In coming clean about prostitute, he even tried to defend himself. He'd only accidentally catch one's eye & they were all over him. Determined to part him with his cash.
He seems absolutely full of remorse now though.
However this final bit of cr#p, could really be the straw that broke the camels back. His overall fury and mean behaviour for the last 5 years has all taken its toll.
Although this has stopped overnight upon DD.
I'm definitely on the rollercoaster - but tending towards indifference towards him & looking forward to life on my own without him dragging me down all the time.
Thank you all for your wise words.

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:38 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BRAVO NG, you nailed it.

the other half thinks that I may only have 20 active, healthy years left and do I want to spend the rest of my life with this creep?

MOB, it all boils down to what do YOU need to do to regain your self-respect.

It took me six months after discovery to decide. I turned 55 that year. I'm 61 this year and life is good.

It's been a painful ride in places, but way less painful than dealing with the uncertainty of *always* wondering if they're at it again.

At least if you're on your own, YOU control your environment and your life.

I can't tell you the relief that comes from disengaging from the drama. If I never have another relationship I'm OK with that.

There is a richness to my life now that wasn't there before.

Big hugs. This shit is hard.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:12 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17484 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post NG! I don't know if you noticed my post in sep/div. I have finally told my family the whole truth. Should I have to go through life alone and lying for someone who destroyed my family? Hell no. I'm sick of it.

sodamnlost, I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this!


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 766 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And speaking of masturbation. SAH recently admitted to doing it 5x a day. I was shocked and just said, "wow, that's really compulsive".


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 766 | Registered: Mar 2013
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you FaithFool and NG.
Thinking back to my unsuspecting, naive younger days - I'm beginning to wonder if he was ever faithful to me.
Do you think there is any point in poking him about this?
I really took your advice, posts and stories to heart & beginning to wonder whether i know the half of it.
Even if there is no more to 'know' - can I really live the rest of my life with the uncertainty I will always have regarding The Creep?
So far, I've told him 'we'll see', and that we'll review things by christmas - one way or the other.
He has agreed in the meantime to downsize our businesses, work towards liquidating our assets, transfer half our shareholdings to me, and has said he understands my need for parity in our relationship.
He's doing everything he can at the moment, I have told him that I don't want to be mean to him, and we should presume that we are working towards an amicable separation.
He keeps trying to kiss and hug me.
When he was crying his eyes out last night - I did hold him - I had never seen him like this in the 40 years I have known (not known?) him.
Do I trust him?
NO

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:45 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone
"wow, that's really compulsive"

you are the MASTER of understatement!


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:40 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am too, MadOldBat! Even that statement caused a shame attack for him. He's very fragile, as many SA's are.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 766 | Registered: Mar 2013
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been sober for 75 days, but claims all his infidelities were because of his alcoholism. Is this true? Because I don't buy it one bit.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been sober for 75 days, but claims all his infidelities were because of his alcoholism. Is this true? Because I don't buy it one bit.
My X didn't entertain the idea of recovery and sobriety, so I really don't know first hand. I have heard it takes a few years of digging deep to really address their wrongdoing. If you don't buy it, perhaps that is your gut telling you, "Nope". I say listen to your gut. Always.

So what is the context of his proclamation? Is he hoping this will make you stop being devastated?


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Liberty

My h tried to say the same thing until I pointed out the escort appointments made during work hours. Sometimes he'd call in the morning before work to try to set something up for the ride home. It's true that alcohol seemed to make it easier for him to act out, but the SA preceded the alcohol issues by almost a year. I'd be sure to verify as much as possible. At the least you need access to all the financials and phone records.Remember to check his credit report for secret lines of credit.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants me back, because he's sober now. I told him I gave him over a year and a half to tell me the truth in R and he continued to lie, rugsweep, drink, and "I" kept finding out proof of one girl right after the other. At the beginning it was one EA, a friend. 18 months later I found out about 10 women he slept with. I'm sure there's more and probably deeper into our past. I cannot trust him any longer. It really hurts when he says I didn't "try." FTG!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:58 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been sober for 75 days, but claims all his infidelities were because of his alcoholism. Is this true? Because I don't buy it one bit.

I would only entertain the idea IF he was drunk every time.

Also, does it really even matter? If he's an alcoholic and only cheats when he's drunk... does it make you feel better?

My H usually combines the two and it makes a perfect storm. When he drinks scotch, he usually doesn't care at all about what I want and has no self control. I think they are both issues so I'm not letting one be an excuse for the other.


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me neither. I want nothing to do with him! It's just funny how he's literally convincing himself otherwise!!! He really believes he cheated because of drinking. He likes the chase of women. That's his real addiction.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAFWH also loved the chase. He loved the flirtation, the adoration of the new eyes on him, the admiration as he told his (mostly made up) stories. Alcohol helped enhance his stories and the reaction of the listener. Of course, many of his "conquests" were strippers, paid to sell him drinks and sex and whatever else they did. He believed they were his friends, not just milking his wallet.
Many addicts have coincidental addictions and when they get sober, substitute another addiction, God, cigarettes, video games, 12step meetings, coffee, you name it. I saw it with my brother, my SAFWH, and my son. If they are aware of it as a substitute, they can and do wean themselves off the new, hopefully healthier addiction.
But if they are saying the sex addiction exists ONLY as a result of the alcohol addiction, well maybe, if the acting out ONLY occurred with drinking. But that wasn't the case in my life, although he did try to claim alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior before I knew about the sex crap.
One of my boundaries is that I won't be with him if he overindulges. Three glasses of wine or two mixed drinks is his limit. Any more and I go home. He is a mean drunk. He is welcome to drink more, but I won't be there to witness it.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much going on here, and so much heartbreak.

NatureGirl, thank you for the the drive by post in a place that really needs your hard-earned wisdom. A long time ago, we had a popular post here that listed all the behaviors that were unacceptable - do you remember it? It was awesome.

And my all-time favorite quote: He may be a sex addict, but he's also an ASSHOLE. All too often, the two go together.

Holding everyone here in the light this weekend.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope, if you remember about the timeframe of that post, and if I posted in it, I might be able to find it with my premium membership archive.

The nightmare I briefly lived this week due to my ex's porn habits and his utter sloppiness in keeping the kids unaware of his habits has me so concerned for everyone who has children with a sex addict. Even after divorce, the danger to our children remains. Our children are in danger no matter what, though. There is no amount of micromanaging the situation/environment to adequately protect the children. The truth always comes out eventually.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9811 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after divorce, the danger to our children remains. Our children are in danger no matter what, though. There is no amount of micromanaging the situation/environment to adequately protect the children. The truth always comes out eventua
lly.

I'm living through this right now too, though not quite as dramatically as you, NG. But I'm about year behind you in terms of my divorce being finalized and visitation beginning.

Everyone, my formerly "perfect" SAH, fought me for three years in court over visitation. I refused to give him overnights because I was so scared of what might happen. He protected my children (and so did I) during that time, not even letting them know why we were getting divorced or even that an OW existed.

Well, two days after the end of the grueling three-day trial, he introduced my children to her. A SA OW who invites people over to her home for group sex. S&M group sex.

On my EX's very first weekend overnight visitation with his children in three years, he invited OW to spend the day with my babies, even over their objections.

THIS is the stuff that Sex Addicts do if they do not successfully continue treatment. I hope some people here read my story and can use it to plan ahead to protect their children somehow.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.