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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after divorce, the danger to our children remains. Our children are in danger no matter what, though. There is no amount of micromanaging the situation/environment to adequately protect the children. The truth always comes out eventua
lly.

I'm living through this right now too, though not quite as dramatically as you, NG. But I'm about year behind you in terms of my divorce being finalized and visitation beginning.

Everyone, my formerly "perfect" SAH, fought me for three years in court over visitation. I refused to give him overnights because I was so scared of what might happen. He protected my children (and so did I) during that time, not even letting them know why we were getting divorced or even that an OW existed.

Well, two days after the end of the grueling three-day trial, he introduced my children to her. A SA OW who invites people over to her home for group sex. S&M group sex.

On my EX's very first weekend overnight visitation with his children in three years, he invited OW to spend the day with my babies, even over their objections.

THIS is the stuff that Sex Addicts do if they do not successfully continue treatment. I hope some people here read my story and can use it to plan ahead to protect their children somehow.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG - it must have been 2012. It was the "if he isn't in treatment, get out now" post. If he is emotionally abusive, get out now, etc.

I wish I could remember the exact wording. We used it a lot.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Oct 2011
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone29, re fragility of SA's....
The Creep seems absolutely devastated, broken, no anger, full of sadness & remorse.
I'm starting to feel guilty about my disgust and withdrawal from him on the one hand - and on the other hand I'm mortified again.
Just found a really crude text msg he sent to a business colleague.
After coming clean to me about this last lot, he promised that none of our business colleagues knew.
Can I believe a word he says?
Do I even care?

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:37 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOB, I used to fall for my ex's "fragility", too, whenever I would force a serious confrontation about his activities. He would sob & shake. Snot would run from his nose, slobber would drool freely from his mouth as he writhed in agony & shame. He would scream at God to strike him dead if he was lying. He would swear on his mother's grave and his children's lives that he was as pure as the driven snow and had never ____insert some disgusting activity here____.

Only it was all bullshit.

What this was was a trap. An emotional trap. By playing on my sympathies I would ultimately, almost every single time, end up on my knees begging him to stop being so sad. I would almost every time start pulling out every thing I'd ever done wrong in my life to prove to him that I didn't think I was better than him. I would apologize for bringing up subjects which I knew would upset him. I would promise to again stay with him and walk with him, to help him be the better person he said he wanted to be and that I believed him to be. How could I possibly entertain the thought of ending marriage to someone who so clearly needed me? Needed my love, my loyalty, my devotion?

So back into my cage I would go. And as he slept peacefully I would wonder what the fuck had just happened. It would take me days to get over these incidents, but the next day it would be as if nothing had happened for him. And indeed, that was the truth of it. Nothing had happened for him other than the inconvenience of an evening in which I intruded into whatever masturbatory fantasy he'd planned for himself.

Now that I have the perspective of being away from him for several years, I look back at my life with him and just shake my head. I will always regret that I stuck it out with him for so long. I was chained with false hope, shackled by my own decency and love. I was terrified of the financial devastation I faced if we separated. All that got me was being even older when we finally split. I'm still having to go through the financial devastation, only I'm older & less desirable as a re-entry employee than ever before.

But I'm alive. I got out before he killed me and before he began molesting my daughters in their beds (he was already grooming one for this, BTW). I have regained my dignity, my self-worth, and am on a path to obtain the proper college degree so I can support myself someday. I am making friends. I am living again. I am happy again.

I have hope again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9653 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh NG, thanks for your reply.
Whilst not exactly in your situation 're daughters - I am in exactly your place regarding emotional blackmail.
He's already (rather crossly in the circs) told me he'd opened up to me & didn't know why I was digging around for more - there was nothing else to know.
When I asked for complete transparency or D.
As part of STD checks, went to GP & reviewed health records, and wondered if he'd never actually been faithful.
When I put this to him last night, he said I was completely off track. He'd never been unfaithful until 1st DD 17 years ago.
Trouble is, his idea of unfaithful & mine differ entirely. He didn't consider prostitutes as being unfaithful at first.

He is a very domineering husband & father.
I think my self possession & strength has him worried.
I'm so gladdened to learn of your metamorphosis & am hoping I find the inner strength to insist on this for myself.
Thank you.
And love to you.
I am babysitting my grandson ATM, he's 10 months old.
The Creep admitted to having 'hardly noticed him' until this latest crap - so busy was he in his rages and sex distractions.
What a Creep!

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:43 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And as he slept peacefully I would wonder what the fuck had just happened

That's exactly what's happening now.
And he used to only sleep about 3 hours then would get up and go downstairs to watch tv or sleep in his chair.
He's now sleeping the sleep of the truly cleansed.
Says's he feels so much better for telling me everything and now he can't be caught in a lie.

shite!

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:49 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a very domineering husband & father.

This is a very bad sign. Things are going to be very difficult when he stops being remorseful about getting caught. You need to protect yourself and see a lawyer ASAP.

He's now sleeping the sleep of the truly cleansed.

He is not cleansed. He is an active liar and cheater. Sleeping is a great way of avoiding reality, and that's all this is.

And I really wanted to confront him about the contemporaneous, self-validatory, 5am text to work colleague - post prostitute.
shite!

You need to ask him to pack his things and leave your home.

I'm starting to feel guilty about my disgust and withdrawal from him on the one hand - and on the other hand I'm mortified again.
Just found a really crude text msg he sent to a business colleague at 5am after prostitute f@ck.
After coming clean to me about this last lot, he promised that none of our businesses colleagues knew about his prostitute shagging.
Can I believe a word he says?

No, you cannot believe a word he says, obviously. Moreover, this is dangerous behavior, and, again, you need to ask him to leave the home. If he wants to get into treatment (I'm not quite sure what type of treatment he needs), then perhaps he can move back in someday. But not now.

I'm sure things are moving quite quickly, but you have a liar and a cheater in your home, disguised as a husband. He's already endangered your health and wellbeing. Please get him out and talk to a lawyer.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely still get pulled in by his remorse and 'fragility'. I'm getting stronger lately though. And I remember those nights when we would talk for hours. I would be crying, he would hang his head in shame. After, I'd sleep maybe 2 hours. He'd be sleeping like a baby two minutes after going to bed.

MOB, one of my biggest regrets is not kicking him out after DDay. I was paralyzed with fear, and because of that, it took him months to even make a step toward recovery. Being with an active addict is too much to handle.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 706 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know when I finally slept like a baby? When I kicked him out of the house and he was gone from my daily life.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9653 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist is the one who brought my changing attitude to my attention. I'd leave her office feeling strong, having a plan. I'd show up the next week weak, weepy, and confused. I finally just had to stop seeing or talking to him in person. He'd suck me in every time until we started communicating through text and email. Suddenly he was so easy to see through! What a transparent jerk! How the hell had I let myself get sucked in again and again?

I think his presence reminded me of the guy I'd fallen in love with. I'd make myself believe almost anything to get that man back into my life. Unfortunately he'd left the building, if he'd ever really been there to begin with.

It was a familiar, comfortable lie. The truth was new and scary. The fiction finally became too obvious for me to even pretend to go along with anymore. He got so childish and resentful every time I called him on a lie. It's embarrassing to look back on now.

Push on through madoldbat. You're already more than halfway there.

[This message edited by OnlyDo at 12:24 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the pity party, after confrontations, too.

Honestly the first few times it happened, part of why I got suckered by it is our relationship had been so devoid of intimate connection (e.g. Sharing deep, private parts of self, hopes,mdreams, fears) that his "poor me" reaction fueled and fed my great desire for connection and openness. My counselor and friends made note of it, like my h was like a drug. Away from him I'd be strong, but I'd buckle under his emotional manipulation.

My husband could not, and does not, deal well with me crying about his sA and or sex life. His prior reactions to that have been covert threats to leave the relationship because he was "tired" of dealing with my emotions.

I write this to give more insight to our newer ones here. SA is really not about sex. It's about severely undeveloped coping skills, stunted maturity, poor impulse control, etc. And frankly our partners KNOW what our buttons are, how to push thrm, and how to use our capacity for empathy against us.

It is a shitstorm while you're in it.

I am only at peace when he isn't in my house.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 259 | Registered: Jan 2005
Mandy7
♀ New Member
Member # 42645
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all I'm new here and have read so many of the posts and have found them so useful. My story is in the Newly found out forum if you want to read it. But briefly After my DD of H 16 month A we've struggled to handle the breaking of NC but finaly we seem to have cracked it. We talk openly, honestly and he doesn't spare my feelings as that's what I've told him honesty is all about. But to what extent I'm now asking myself! We have come to realise my H is a porn addict and has been for 24 years but has escalated to it's max which I believe led to the A. He is addicted to OW sexually but knows and tells me he can't and doesn't want her for anything but the controlling sex he used her for. He thinks about her sexually all the time after 7 weeks of NC I was holding this would have lessened but I'm thinking his porn addiction may be what is controlling his addiction to her?

When I say porn addiction I'm 100% sure of it eg 3-6 mastrubating episodes every day, physical pain from overdoing it, angry if he can't do it, doing it at work, in car, in bed beside me etc. What I'm not sure of is if he's a SA TOO! We've discussed how in the 21 years we've been together he's been mastrubated by 2 prostitutes, had 4 one night stands, used phone sex, web cam sex and finaly he says having the OW to control and do everything he fantasised about stopped all that. I've just discovered he's got us in 30k of debt on credit cards but he has destroyed the statements so I don't know where the money went. Does this sound like a SA or just porn addict?

The main issues I'm struggling to work out are which of his comments should I take as truth and which are being said because of the addiction. For example "I don't love you anymore", "if it wasn't for the kids I would have left years ago", "I'm only here for the kids", "I want to be happy here with you, I'm just scared I'll waste my time trying knowing it's going to fail so why should I bother", "all other women are attractive you are not", "I can't have sex with you anymore as I can't stop fantasising when we're doing it", "I don't think I can fall in love with you again", "it's only 10 more years until the kids are grown up then I can do what I want", "we aren't compatible, we've got nothing in common, you don't make me smile", "can't we just live in the house together seperatly and pretend we're happy for the kids and I just keep doing what makes me happy".... The endless thoughtless things he's said are too many to list, but sometimes he shows me affection sometimes he looks at me with hatered in his eyes! It's like he's 2 different men and he has even said he feels like he's fighting a devil & angel on his shoulders.

I know he's a good man, with moral values and a beautiful mind and I'm a typical wife in love and wanting to cure him, he listens and researches SA &PA himself when he's feeling low. He tells me how much it helps him afterwards and I see the difference too. What should I do, stick it out hide my distress while supporting his recovery or just accept he's an ass and prepare for D? If I knew what things were said by his devil and which were said by his angel I'd know if this is worth all the pain I'm going through. I need to make a decision based on advice from people in the same position and people who have gone through it. Is there any success stories on here, is there any SA OR PA reading who can give me some hints on how to handle his motivation for recovery? Can they change? Can he love me again? How much should I take?

I'm so lonely, desperate and confused I don't know how to handle any of this anymore! Any help or advice would be so greatly appreciated! Thank you Mandy


Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Newcastle UK
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I'm no CSAT, Mandy, but if he's racking up 30K in debt and it's porn related... That's a huge problem no matter what a therapist is labeling it. (But I am going to say yeah sounds like he is one)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm currently going through a similar situation. If I find a hidden 30K of debt lying around, you'd better believe I am GONE. It's your life, and your decision. Try to be strong and don't let him spin this around on you!! That's what he is doing when he say "I don't love you anymore" etc. He is trying to legitimize his actions.

I don't know if they can change, that's something I'm struggling with. I do know the life being a spouse of an addict is exhausting and tumultuous (addict of any kind not just sex). It will always be about them, is he relapsing, etc. So that's just something to think about.

Hugs to you. Xo


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2014
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandy, my husband has said a lot of the same things to me. Then he did a 180 and started telling me how much he loved me and how remorseful he was for the pain he caused me. He continued to act out during the entire time. I spent a year in hell hoping he'd want me again only to find out he'd been stringing me along for cake.

It sounds like your husband is still in active addiction. Does any of that sound like love to you? Does it really matter why he's saying those hurtful things? If he's saying that to you, take him at his word. He's showing you who he is, believe him. My advice? Run, run fast, run far, run now. Or, better yet, kick his ass to the curb and change your locks.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandy,
I am sorry you are a member of the crappiest club ever but we are here for you. I'm really concerned about your mind state but I am SO concerned that I want to make sure I give this to you straight and gentle:

We talk openly, honestly and he doesn't spare my feelings as that's what I've told him honesty is all about.

I want to warn you that just because it's sexual, mean, hurtful or gross--that doesn't mean it is honest. Active sex addicts ARE NOT honest. They still blame shift, minimize, etc. etc. Keep this in mind when talking to your spouse.

But to what extent I'm now asking myself! We have come to realise my H is a porn addict and has been for 24 years but has escalated to it's max which I believe led to the A.

Please just know that if your husband is an SA it's very unlikely he's had only one PA after such a long period of addiction. Most spouses have multiple ddays and escalating body counts.

He is addicted to OW sexually but knows and tells me he can't and doesn't want her for anything but the controlling sex he used her for. He thinks about her sexually all the time after 7 weeks of NC I was holding this would have lessened but I'm thinking his porn addiction may be what is controlling his addiction to her?

I don't doubt that your H is sexually infatuated with this OW but likely he is sexually infatuated with virtually ALL women. This is not universally true but most active sex addicts see life is an ongoing porno where they are constantly fantasizing about any woman (or man or child or transgender person, depending upon their preferences) in a sexual manner. Assigning that nonstop lust to infatuation with just one person is a common way to rugsweep and minimize.
When I say porn addiction I'm 100% sure of it eg 3-6 mastrubating episodes every day, physical pain from overdoing it, angry if he can't do it, doing it at work, in car, in bed beside me etc. What I'm not sure of is if he's a SA TOO!

Addiction to porn and addiction to masturbation = addiction to sex
We've discussed how in the 21 years we've been together he's been mastrubated by 2 prostitutes, had 4 one night stands, used phone sex, web cam sex and finaly he says having the OW to control and do everything he fantasised about stopped all that.

I'm sorry but he's probably not being honest here. First, if you haven't been, please get a full panel STD test to make sure you are okay. I would expect that he has been with many more prostitutes and had much more extramarital affairs. It's the nature of sex addiction. My husband is trickle truthing to this day.
I've just discovered he's got us in 30k of debt on credit cards but he has destroyed the statements so I don't know where the money went. Does this sound like a SA or just porn addict?

That sounds like he is paying for sex. You can call the credit card companies for more statements if you wish but it sounds like he is paying for full-on sex. I'm sorry.
The main issues I'm struggling to work out are which of his comments should I take as truth and which are being said because of the addiction.

Active addicts don't ever really tell the complete truth. Please remember that.
For example "I don't love you anymore", "if it wasn't for the kids I would have left years ago", "I'm only here for the kids", "I want to be happy here with you, I'm just scared I'll waste my time trying knowing it's going to fail so why should I bother", "all other women are attractive you are not", "I can't have sex with you anymore as I can't stop fantasising when we're doing it", "I don't think I can fall in love with you again", "it's only 10 more years until the kids are grown up then I can do what I want", "we aren't compatible, we've got nothing in common, you don't make me smile", "can't we just live in the house together seperatly and pretend we're happy for the kids and I just keep doing what makes me happy"....

That's emotional abuse. It doesn't matter if he is a sex addict or an alcoholic or anything else. It's emotional abuse and you shouldn't let your soul be crushed by such cruelty. I don't think that many spouses of sex addicts have the experience of such extreme verbal abuse but whether his statements are attributal to SA or not, they are way over the line.
The endless thoughtless things he's said are too many to list, but sometimes he shows me affection sometimes he looks at me with hatered in his eyes! It's like he's 2 different men and he has even said he feels like he's fighting a devil & angel on his shoulders.

Oh yeah, SA's frequently talk about their angels and devils but even the most out of control sex addict doesn't have to berate his wife with a litany of hate talk. That is not an organic outgrowth of the disease. Please don't take that from him.

I know he's a good man, with moral values and a beautiful mind

Please stop here and just do one thing. If your H was married to your best friend and she told you the truth about all he had done and said, would you still think those things? Is he good and moral and beautiful or is that what you want to see him as?
and I'm a typical wife in love and wanting to cure him,

Please know that you didn't cause this and you cannot cure it.
he listens and researches SA &PA himself when he's feeling low.

Has he taken any positive steps forward? Joining SAA or getting an IC? How long has he been sober of masturbation?

He tells me how much it helps him afterwards and I see the difference too. What should I do, stick it out hide my distress while supporting his recovery

Nothing you've said suggests he's in recovery. He has to be in recovery and stop emotionally abusing you before you can consider staying in the M. And if you stay, no, you should not hide your distress. You should express your feelings.

or just accept he's an ass and prepare for D? If I knew what things were said by his devil and which were said by his angel I'd know if this is worth all the pain I'm going through. I need to make a decision based on advice from people in the same position and people who have gone through it. Is there any success stories on here, is there any SA OR PA reading who can give me some hints on how to handle his motivation for recovery? Can they change? Can he love me again? How much should I take?

I would never tell anyone to just get a divorce. But right now, you are not in an emotionally or sexually or physically safe relationship. Please, don't worry about divorcing now. Get yourself to a COSA meeting in person or online; check out some of the resources mentioned at the top of this thread; get yourself and IC (no, do NOT go to MC; he's not ready) and WORK ON YOU. You need the support and care right now. He is not important. He is not important. For the third time, he is not important. He can self medicate with his sexual fantasies but you are dealing with the cold world by yourself right now. You need to take care of yourself before you try to figure out what to do about this M.

I'm so lonely, desperate and confused I don't know how to handle any of this anymore! Any help or advice would be so greatly appreciated! Thank you Mandy

(((((((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))))))))))

[This message edited by determinata at 11:40 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, Mandy!
Addiction to porn and addiction to masturbation = addiction to sex
Well said, Determinata. It's sorta' like wondering if someone's addicted to beer vs. "alcohol". Same thing.

Sorry you find yourself here. It's devastating what you've been through so far. The "trickle truth" of learning about additional prostitutes heaps more pain on top of it. My X started out, once busted, trying to admit to "one or two" hook-ups with prostitutes in their apartments. Well, DUH, if it was one OR two, you'd remember which it was... There was more likely a hundred or more encounters.

Definitely try to focus on healing your hurt through counseling, support groups, friends and family you trust. You can make that decision to divorce or not later. Definitely get the full panel of STD tests, including HPV.

I know he's a good man, with moral values and a beautiful mind
He probably was once, and still is deep inside, but those mean things he is saying to you are abusive and you don't have to listen to them. He's got a problem and he's dumping on you. You have the right not to listen to it. I think that you want the truth about what he has done (to some extent) and what he is currently doing to improve, but that garbage he's spewing about you not being attractive can stop. Tell him that's not why he cheats, and to stuff it in a sock. I'm not saying to get in an argument, but call bull shit and leave the conversation if that's all he's got. (I know it's hard....this wasn't what I did in the beginning.)

So so sorry you find yourself here.


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Aug 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't love you anymore", "if it wasn't for the kids I would have left years ago", "I'm only here for the kids", "I want to be happy here with you, I'm just scared I'll waste my time trying knowing it's going to fail so why should I bother", "all other women are attractive you are not", "I can't have sex with you anymore as I can't stop fantasising when we're doing it", "I don't think I can fall in love with you again", "it's only 10 more years until the kids are grown up then I can do what I want", "we aren't compatible, we've got nothing in common, you don't make me smile", "can't we just live in the house together seperatly and pretend we're happy for the kids and I just keep doing what makes me happy".... The endless thoughtless things he's said are too many to list, but sometimes he shows me affection sometimes he looks at me with hatered in his eyes!

This has nothing to do with sex addiction. This is ABUSE, pure and simple.

I am going to ask you to ask you to do something that probably goes outside your comfort zone right now: Call a women's abuse hotline and talk to them. Spill the beans. Share your story. And just listen to what they tell you. It's all anonymous.

You can't stay in this situation because it's not safe for you emotionally. I'm worried about you leaving because you have children - if you leave him, he is going to fight you for your kids. And then I'm worried about your physical safety.

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but your H is VERY sick, even by this board's standards, which are about as low as they get. I hope that you can reach out and get a lot of help and support in real life. Surviving Infidelity is great for advice and support, but you are going to need people in real life to help you. Please get help!!! I divorced a charming SA NPD sociopath, so when I hear that he looks at you sometimes with hatred in his eyes, I know exactly what you're talking about.

He sounds like a sociopath to me. Please protect yourself. And please keep posting so that we know you're okay.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9653 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh Mandy,#I can see you are UK - so you'll know that getting mental health referral for your SA WH will be a long, long wait.
(My SAH has a telephone 'tick box' initial consultation which will hopefully lead to a referral, 6 weeks after his desperate plea for help to his GP).
Your spouse really sounds like he needs help.
Is he in any way (angel or devil) willing to take this important step?
Have you researched local (private and expensive) counsellors?
I really feel for you and your hideous situation.
Look at the healing library.
Read the 180 - how can you work a version of this safely within your own home?
My SHA is really jibbing - absolutely hates that after years of being a loving, supportive (some say enabling) wife, that I have taken control of the situation.
I am now getting the sighs, the sulks, the 'oh woe is me and my shitty life / disgusting actions / i need to talk to someone, but i can't for a week because of the waiting list - i don't know why i did it?. I wish it'd never happened....bollocks
FUCK OFF CREEP.
Men like ours are not 'normal'.
Whilst all the ladies here sympathise with you, and have probably been through a similar experience, this is NOT normal.
Get to your GP.
Explain the situation and get a full STD / medical examination.
Your SAH is only sorry for being caught out - whilst you are his shield of normality, your active condemnation of his creepy behaviour is just an inconvenience for him.
Take care of yourself.
You're going to need all your powers to get out / through this.
You cannot change him.
But you can change yourself.
Love to you x

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 6:52 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devoid of intimate connection (e.g. Sharing deep, private parts of self, hopes,mdreams, fears) that his "poor me" reaction fueled and fed my great desire for connection and openness.

It's so great to come to SI and get confirmation of what exactly my situation is at them moment.
Almost feeling sorry for the shit and starting to become anxious about his 'sulk' mode.
I told him the morning when i pointed out his revolting text to work colleague post prostitute fuck, that i did not want to hug him.
I wanted some space.
He gibbering and saying he'd been completely honest - had left his phone out so that i can sort through his msgs. emails. txts etc. - because he wanted to be open with me.
What can he do to make things right, blah, blah.
As aif i hadn't sorted out his phone, his online accounts, his emails, his banking, his paying of bills - in fact absolutely everything since his last A.
The minute he's out of my sight, abroad - he's off fucking prostitutes.
When he's out supposedly having business meetings in Pubs, he's chatting up / shagging barmaids.
CREEP!
I'm off to bed, and i'm not bothering to say goodnight to him, pitying-out on the sofa watching TV alone.


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
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