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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Biggirl...so sorry you are here. Can an SA recover? The answer is a very guarded yes. Normal marriage, no. You will always be married to an addict, he will always BE an addict an will always need to be in an active recovery program. Many marriages deal with addictions. You will need to figure out how much you can live with.

My advice is to not make any decisions right now. Find a CSAT, have him evaluated. Get yourself to a CSAT and an SANON meeting. Educate yourself about SA. Re-evaluate yourself, your marriage in six months, a year.

And please, get tested for STDs. Too often, we are lied to by our SA husbands and don't find out the extent of their acting out until much later in the discovery process. It sets our healing back.
Your H should also get himself to an SA meeting on a regular basis. That is what scared my SA husband straight.

This is an awful, horrible place for anyone to be. The sisterhood that this site can be is priceless. But you need RL support. It is so hard to tell friends and family about this. It's not "regular" infidelity. Find someone to whom you can talk.

(((((gottabeabiggirl))))))


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@gottabe
Gently, having seen your 'Is It Worth It' thread, I just want to give you some reactions to what you have posted. It's not going to be what you want to hear but I hope you understand it's coming from a place of wanting to save you a lot of heartache.

Its looking highly like if my WH isn't a full on SA he has a great deal of the tendencies of one as well as some extreme impulse control issues and some OCD.
We are trying to reconcile, the last week he has really "gotten it" and started doing everything he should have from day 1. I broached the SA topic, which greatly offended him at first but when we came around he admitted he thinks he has a lot of the tendencies of one and agreed to talk with his IC more about it this week after doing some research himself.

My question to all of you if is it possible for a SAWH to recover and to have a healthy marriage? I know the internet and books have told me it is but what about actual experiences from people living it in real life? What is a realistic recovery plan to outline?

Because your husband is 10 years older than you, and you are very young, he has more than a 10 year headstart on you in terms of this disease--if he is a SA. That's problematic because sex addiction gets worse over time without treatment. If he is a sex addict, I just want to be honest and say that there is very little likelihood that the cheating doesn't involve physical acting out of some sort and in an untreated 35 year old who has told you that there are things he has done that you would divorce him for, it very likely involves sexual encounters with other people--at least on some level.

EDIT: I should mention he hasn't taken anything fully PA

You don't know that. You can't know that. You can't know what you don't know. That's his story today but when I found that my husband was calling someone dozens of times a day back in 2008 his story was that she was an old friend. Then she was someone he met off of CL but in Missed Connections because he was lonely. The story that he was only having an emotional affair held for about 1 month and it's all I would have known had I not kept snooping and spying.

yet but its getting worse, and from what I understand if its not gotten under control it WILL go further than just porn and EAs.

Just my situation doesn't seem near as bad as many of those here, I am so sorry for us all though.

I just want to say that your advantage is not that your husband is not as sick as anyone in this thread--it's that you are very young and you don't have children with him. You need to be in IC. You need to find out why you want to be in this relationship, despite the cheating. You just cannot know what his predilictions or his fetishes or his acting out behaviors are. PLEASE do not assume that he is better than anyone else's H here. You may find out in the most dangerous or painful ways possible that you are wrong.

I will tell you the story I never hear---
"I thought my husband had sex addict tendencies and was using porn a lot and having emotional affairs. Turns out, we nipped all of that acting out in the bud and are happy now." In my 6 years of being in online communities that support spouses who have been betrayed I have NEVER seen a wife who was able to pull her husband back from the brink. What I have seen are lots of wives who don't know how far over the cliff their husbands are; wives who are a bit smug because while other spouses are dealing with prostitutes or STDs or thousands of dollars blown, they know their husbands aren't that messed up---until they know better.

The typical trajectory I have seen after initial suspicions that H is a SA is this:
-My H is cheating emotionally or using porn. Should this be a dealbreaker? We don't have kids.
-Everyone says yes, it's cheating and whether it is a dealbreaker is up to the OP.
-OP comes back. Now there is fetish porn or cam girls or a credit card or a phone or SOMETHING that she didn't realize initially.
-Everyone sympathises.
-OP is going crazy trying to find proof of cheating.
-OP's H starts being surly and nasty.
-OP finds proof of cheating---but it was "just" a strip club or a handjob or a massage.
-Everyone warns OP that the H likely has a higher body count.
-OP's husband is soooooooooo sorry and totally open to change. But he doesn't want to be snooped on or he won't go to SAA or he goes to IC but then stops.
-OP is devastated.
-OP's H confesses that he did have intercourse with someone and is going to change.
-OP wants to start MC immediately.
-Followed by cycles of TT and heartache.

I'm not saying this will be your story but it is a common story. It is THE common story. In all the years I have been online, I've only seen two people, one being SK, who seemed like they were really at peace with their marriages to their SAs. The other woman I know of had multiple special needs kids with her SAH. She isn't going anywhere with a set of autistic triplets and so I can see where her 'peace' comes from.

Please get an STD test, get into IC and don't get dragged down the rabbit hole of this diagnosis to the extent that you learn more about his disease than your recovery. You are young and you have a lot of potential for happiness. Your husband has a taste for very young women. He is a sex addict. These are profoundly disturbing things and please don't consider yourself immune to all of the revelations we have dealt with here.

[This message edited by determinata at 4:31 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Determinata said.

I believed him and felt the other spouses were jaded and bitter. Turns out they were trying to save me some heartache. My SAH still hates that I consider him a liar just because he lies to me...


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To clarify...
When my husband first admitted to an affair he said it was only emotional and that he'd ended it before he confessed it to me. I spent a year trying to get him to come back to our family. The past few months I found out he'd been sexually unfaithful starting 18 months before admitting the EA. He remained in contact with his AP the entire time(of course it wasn't just emotional). I spent a year trying to understand why he was so unhappy while he was having sex with anyone he could afford. My greatest regret is I didn't run for the hills when he first confessed he'd been lying to me. Please listen to the experienced voices here, it could save you a lot of pain.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say I'm often here, reading. I know your names and look for your posts - Determinata, scaredyKat, you are a couple of my favorites. I would have more favorites but I'm so muddled I can't remember names. ha ha

We finally have disclosure with a lie detector test coming up the end of the month. I'm terrified - but can it really be any worse than what I already know?

Yes, it can. Scrawled in the margin of a pre-owned SA workbook I bought for my husband was "sex with roadkill." I'd like to think it was a sick joke. We buy only new ones, now.

I'm ready to get disclosure and all that behind us. Maybe I can begin to heal. Maybe, just maybe, we'll stay married and it won't be horrible. I know the odds are not in our favor.

I told my shrink yesterday I feel cursed. She said she hears that a lot. I love her.

(((BIG HUG TO ALL OF US)))


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to emphasize how compelling the State of Denial is...I found out about my SAFWH's first(?)OW in 2002 when he didn't come home one night. The fairy tale was he drank too much after a business meeting and slept on her couch "with a dog." Freudian, that, methinks, lol. He agreed that their "friendship" was getting out of hand and pretty much dropped her like a rock despite telling me it was purely platonic. Fast forward to 2010, AFTER I discover ANOTHER "EA" really a PA,with sex once, and evidence of massive amounts of money, think over $100,000 spent on lap dances. I asked the SAME question once again and finally got a truthful answer. Sex with her 4 times, EA for two years, sex because she "expected" it. No condom, if course, ahah! This explains the strange infection I had, trich, even though I had to practically trick you into having sex with me...
Much of my journey took place before Tiger Woods made SA a household term. It took a long time for my SAFWH to get into recovery even after he became sober. His addiction did begin with childhood soothing as I mentioned before. He spent a lifetime with wrong thinking, and 25 years of our marriage blaming me for everything. Ridiculous things. And, like a fool, I kept trying to fix the things that weren't broken and making excuses for him.
I stayed at first because I thought he could heal. Recovery, early stages brought more painful experiences. At that point, I stayed because of finances and selfishness. I wasn't going to give up 1/2 of my assets and income in a divorce.
At this point, our marriage is a very good, even affectionate friendship. We have no sex life, he abused me by criticizing my performance as recently as two years ago. This, too, was what I mean when I say that sobriety isn't recovery. I'm not about to set myself up for that kind of humiliation again. Because he rejected me for many years prior to that, I have pretty much become asexual. I'm sad and very angry that I got cheated out of that part of my life. But I don't see anything changing there. I can't be 35 again, which is about the time he started to shut me down.
I have been somewhat happy this summer. I think it is the first summer I can say that, magical five years, maybe.
Please, please, get rl support. This is too freaking hard to do on your own.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:38 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat,
I worry about you sometimes. I think a lot of us in this boat look up to you because you seem to have it together and I slightly forget that you are in the same crap yacht that we all are. I understand and respect the nonsexual friendship you have with your husband but I really want to throttle him on your behalf for retraumatizing and disrespecting you by putting down your sexual performance. It's so horrible and so SA-typical. They're the ones with the psychosexual mental handicap . . . but we're the ones who can't have perform adequately in bed.

Just big, big hugs. And thanks for being so forthcoming with your shares.

[This message edited by determinata at 8:21 AM, August 8th (Friday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hannelore,
Hugs and thank you. I like your gallows humor. Yes, it can get worse--but at least you will have some basis for understanding your reality with your SAWH as you go forward. My H is looking for a polygraph resources in NYC right now. I have told him I need STD tests, poly and forensic psych so we can begin to think about what vistation with infant DS looks like in the medium term.

My fingers crossed for you that you receive no nasty surprises but regardless you will get through this.

Hugs,
D.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot of us in this boat look up to you because you seem to have it together and I slightly forget that you are in the same crap yacht that we all are.

I second this. (((scaredyKat))) (((everyone here)))

I'm out. Done. Finito. He's not even pretending to try anymore. The SA texting group? BS - several of the numbers are linked to females on facebook. He spent the night last weekend with a "friend" from out of town.

My new mantra? It is his job to prove accountability, not mine to look for it. I've seen all I needed to see.

He may think he's going to be sucking me in with his helplessness in addiction and blah, blah, blah. But I am sick and done.

I kind of wish I could call these other women (it appears at least two are single moms) and tell them what he is. No one should be used like this. But I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to deal with it if they react badly. Or tell him. Ugh.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Determinata
I really want to throttle him on your behalf

Thanks, my friend. Your reaction isn't unique. He wants to throttle himself, too. One of the most validating moments of all of this, was during a joint counseling session when that whole event was discussed. My SAFWH'S CSAT was the one who used those very words, "disrespectful" and "devastating." He hadn't been denying it, but to hear it from another person, someone who was ostensibly on his team, was like someone had thrown me a lifeline.

He IS remorseful and so regretful that he wasted so much of my life. Que sera sera, I suppose.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Mandy7
♀ New Member
Member # 42645
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone and thank you for your kind support a few days ago it brought comfort to know I'm not alone! I have a question about mastrubating. I believed due to H shitty mood the last few days and his wanting to me to tell him to leave that he was having withdrawal symptoms as he hadn't mastrubated to porn for 6 days. I supported him, give him advice and reassured him that the way he felt was due to anxiety. Today seemed a little better and we booked a few days away with the kids so I thought great I've got him through another day. However I was out for 15 mins and set a voice recorder in the house before I left to see if he called ow while I was out as I'm always suspicious lol!when I've just listened to it it's clear he waits 4 mins after I've left and then gone and mastrubated to porn!!! After all the work we've done in the last 24hours saving him from the brink of self destruction he takes the first opportunity to do it again. Question is do I confront him about it?

Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Newcastle UK
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you need to give some thought to what this information means as well as what you hope to accomplish. I'm assuming he didn't confess to the slip, so you know you can't trust him to be honest with you. If you confront him do you think he's more likely to react with remorse or anger? Do you think he'll stop or get more careful about avoiding detection? Which one of you is more invested in the process of overcoming his addiction? What is it that you believe you can realistically achieve in this situation? I hope you've got access to a therapist our councillor who can help you clarify your intentions and options.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandy7,

Gently... I know it is dismaying and frustrating but he's an active sex addict so him getting his fix as soon as he can is par for the course. It's not okay but you need to understand that until he gets help, gets sober and has a lot of sobriety behind him, what just happened is going to keep on happening. He has no coping skills and his brain chemistry is effed up through years of using sex as a high.

You placed a VAR to catch him contacting OW. So strategically, what do you care more about-- confronting him about masturbating or ensuring he's not contacting his AP? Because once you confront him about the masturbation, he will know that you are surveilling him, obviously.

What have you all agreed to about masturbation--
That he won't do it? Or if he does it he will disclose it as a 'slip'? Or what?


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I would share that after about 23 days of sobriety my SAWH acted out after I made it clear to him that I want a divorce within a year. Then he acted out again. So he went from 23 days sober to about 24 or so hours now.

I'm not surprised at all. This is typical addict behavior:

Wife "makes me" mad / sad / hurt because she is holding me accountable for my behaviors, tug on my penis. Rinse and repeat. He's been watching pornography since age 3; was in bed with his step dad when his step father was having sex with a prostitute at the same age; began masturbating to cope with feelings since about the age of 10. This is pretty hardwired.

And luckily, since we are not living together, it doesn't affect me very much. It's unfortunate that he did it but it's his problem.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Determinata)))))) Your post shows the best possible attitude. You have detached. Yet you see some of the roots, reasons and mechanisms of sex addiction. It won't cure him, of course, but not will help you truly understand how much this is not about you. We all can say those words, repeat those slogans, but to truly internalize that, takes a LONG time.

Hugs to you, and give that precious baby a smooch!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Aspen, Mandy, we cross posted. I would never presume to tell you what to do, but, I wouldn't stay with an active addict. No way, no how. The damage to you is just too, too great.

"Sex with roadkill"

One of the great things about the women in my SANON group is their sense of humor. Gallows humor, all too often, nonetheless, so necessary.

*********spouses**********


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Quakingaspen)))))

I am sorry he isn't ready to change. We are here are you figure out your next steps.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2005
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My new mantra? It is his job to prove accountability, not mine to look for it.
Quaking, it took me a long time to come to terms with this concept. Good for you!!!

Question is do I confront him about it?
Mandy, think about it going forward...if you let him know about the recorder, he'll know it's possibly there next time. The thing is, we've been living in a murky land of lies, so anything we have that provides truth is worth gold. BUT! I had the devil of a time not confronting. I once had to leave the house for a few days to try not to confront. And then came back home and confronted anyway! I was just too angry that he'd been with a prostitute again.

{{{{ SA-Spouses }}}}


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
Mandy7
♀ New Member
Member # 42645
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone well today has been devastating and I desperately need some positive vibes sending my way :( I didn't confront him about his mastrubating but that didn't matter he left us. He packed a small bag and said he can't stay. He thinks he's in love with the OW and can't find happiness here. We discussed the addiction, it's effects it's having on him and what he needs to do to get help. I learned through this chat that his addiction began at age 6 looking at porn with his sex addict dad and he told me how he always struggled with his dad's behaviour. The worst revelation was his grandad was also the same but the difference was my husband used to see his grandad forcing himself on his mum when he was younger! My god my H is so messed up and he thinks it's genetic, irreversible and he just has to love with what he was given a therapist can't help. I started writing a journal yesterday with lots of my emotions, hopes, dreams, solutions, worries etc and also 4 options I had available to chose from with all the pros and cons of each option detailed. As a last resort I read it out to him which stopped him in his tracks and he listened intently. When he left he asked if he could have it, he asked me for our private health cover too in case he chooses to seek help himself. So at least he's now considering it I suppose. But he's still gone, he's not where he said he'd be, I'm alone with a devastated daughter and a life in pieces! I'm full of panic and anxiety thinking what do I do now? It's strange I feel no hate or anger towards him only love but disappointment at the same time. My hope that he's strong enough to see sense is all that's keeping me going but I know I need to stop hanging on to the hope and focus on me and my beautiful, amazing children and look to a future alone and accept I tried everything and I didn't cause this. What do I do now legally where do I stand (in the UK) ie house, debts, parental rights etc?

I also did something I'm not sure I should have I text the OW telling her to expect him calling and warning her of his problem as even though she took part in our downfall it was his addiction that is the real problem and she has a toddler. She replied apologising profusely and thanking me and saying she hopes I'll be ok. Whether he's with her or not doesn't matter now I can't change that I just need tips on how to keep going when all I want to do is curl up and die. :(


Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Newcastle UK
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you're going through this. You'll read this advice elsewhere, but here goes. Sleep, eat if you can, make sure you drink water. If eating is hard get some liquid meal replacement. Be ever so kind to yourself, bubble baths, junk television, trashy books, chocolate. Avoid alcohol. To release the anger when it comes I either throw something heavy to the other side of the yard or scream my lungs out in my car with the motor running. Beating couch cushions, also good. If you can have someone watch your children for a day or so you can rant and wail all you need to at home.

Don't feel bad about hating him from time to time. It's only natural and it's healthy so long as you don't let it take over. You might not feel it right now, but your anger is out there and it'll help dry your tears and stiffen your spine when you need it. The sorrow and sympathy are natural too, you've loved this man a long time. Fear, grief, rage; there's no rule book for how you're supposed to feel right now. Cut yourself a mile of slack and get through it an hour at a time. It gets better.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
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