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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to have some "fun" all by my big girl self on Friday. Went to paint at a local artist's co-op. I made a pretty messed up tree with old book pages - it's my money tree. When I'm finished I want it to be covered with leaves that resemble dollar bills.

Anyway - while there one of the artist's commented on how nice and good looking my husband is. Small town, everybody knows everybody.

He dropped by later for coffee (coffee shop next door) and after he left one of the girls who own a shop on the other side comes running back to me, just gushing about how cute and nice he is. They had just met, apparently. I just smiled and said something appropriate, I hope. Then went home and cried.

I stayed home yesterday and began experimenting with hypertufa. I made some rocks. Myself and I are really working on becoming good friends.

"devastating and disrespectful"

I completely understand that.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re the STD thing. In case this helps just one person.

When I went to the clinic to get a full set of tests after DDay, there was a nurse there who was smiling and cheerful and generally a ray of sunshine.

I said to her, "how can you be so cheerful?..." meaning "how can you be so cheerful when my life is falling apart".

She said; "I love working here because everyone who comes here is here because they want to look after themselves."

That made me see things a bit differently. They see people who go in as sensible, intelligent people who want to protect themselves. They don't see irresponsible people who have made bad choices EVEN IF those people go in to see them.

So if you need to keep getting tests, think of your health and try not to worry what the people there are thinking too much. They just see it as doing their job at the end of the day.

Holding you all in the light. x


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CallMeRed, That is GREAT perspective and a wonderful way of thinking about it. Thank you.

Hannelore, I'm glad you did something positive for yourself and even under that stress, you did great. Big hugs for you.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So as part of my monitoring STBXSAWH's progress with an eye towards safety for DS, I have asked him to outline his recovery activities each day and report in each week. Here's this week (week 1):

August 4
Posted on SI.
Attended a SAA online meeting.
Reached out to [NAME], recovery partner, via email.
Reached out to [NAME], recovery partner, via email.
Made an evening journal entry.

August 5
Attended a midnight SAA call.
Attended an 8 PM SAA call.
Reached out to my sponsor.
Made 2 journal entries, 1 regular and 1 A/O.
Read pp. 140-198 of "Toxic Parents"
Posted on SI.

August 6
Read "Toxic Parents" pp.198-228.
Attended 7:30 PM SAA call.
Reached out to [NAME] and [NAME]
Attended 9:05 SA call.
Worked 4th step for an hour.

August 7
Attended an in-person SRA meeting at 12:15 PM.
Prayed to God this morning, asked him to help me surrender.
Worked on 4th Step for 45 minutes.
Attended 2 SAA telemeetings. 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM.
Journal entry.
Posted on SMART.
Posted on SI.
Read "Toxic Parents" pp. 228-256.
Emailed back and forth with Frank H.

August 8
Morning journal entry.
CSAT session.
Read "Toxic Parents" pp. 256-261.
Posted on SI.
Attended 9:00 PM SAA telemeeting.
Posted on SMART.

August 9
Read "Toxic Parent" pp.261-291.
Attended 9:00 PM SAA telemeeting.
Made journal entry.

August 10
Posted on SI.
Posted on SMART.
Worked on 4th Step for 45 minutes.
Attended 8:00 PM SAA telemetting.
Attended 9:00 PM SAA online meeting.
Had a conversation with [NAME], program friend from NJ.

Obviously, nothing about healing the spouse in terms of his reading because it's not his priority. He's sooooooo steeped in his FOO issues. I suppose I'm happy he went through with the exercise of recording it. Any thoughts or concerns or input would be great.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a L-O-N-G time for my SAFWH to defog enough to hear me. Defensiveness was his go to attitude FOREVER. It just wasn't possible for him to empathize. Oh, he could sympathize a tiny bit, for a short period of time, under controlled conditions and as long as I was calm and rational and not the blubbering fool I usually was when I recounted my life as I knew it married to a freaking liar for 30 years. I may seem like I have it together, but my Celtic/Russian heritage is always right there waiting to express its real thoughts. Loudly. And with feeling. Add that to the 20 or so years I bit my tongue, frightened of his ire, I was very much like Old Faithful, blowing off steam weekly at least, and he had no tools to deal with me, so he did what he'd always done, ignored me or yelled louder.

It's one more shit sandwich we are expected to eat. While the addict is engaged in a fight for their lives, an is getting support, and high fives, and colorful chips, we, as usual, are left at home, waiting, just waiting. They begin to heal, get stronger, are reborn, feel full of this new, integrity driven life, some of them for the first time EVER. We continue to whither, still obsessing over how many, what positions, where, am I too fat or too short, etc. THIS is why we have to practice our own recovery. We cannot wait for them. This doesn't absolve them of attempting to understand our pain. And it doesn't excuse them from taking steps every day to avoid further injury. Some of their actions will just be going through the motions, but eventually, they can and will mean the remorse.

IF they do make it past that first two-three YEARS (you read that right) you should start to see a new man. Because it is now a man instead of a boy. That stunted boy, stuck back in FOO trauma can now look around and see the world as an adult. Can now see and really FEEL the pain they cause others. They are no longer that insular, totally self absorbed creature around whom his own world revolves. My SAFWH was a very slow learner. As I said before, some of the psychological damage to me was done while he was still in this stage. Not acting out, but still a selfish child.

You must be the agent of your own healing. He simply cannot. There is a reason the amends step is so far along in the 12 steps. It takes some addicts a lifetime to truly get there.

Wish I could give you all rl hugs....


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing that, Scaredy. Our first DDay was almost 3 years ago and everything you wrote has been so true for us. T
Sex addict? We rarely had sex and it was obvious most of the time he was not really there. I had a lot to learn. Still learning. And it was my shrink (angel from heaven) that first suggested it might be a possibility. How right she was.

The books I read initially were not about sex addiction. So my plan was to get the hell out of here if I survived. By the time I was able to dress myself again we'd done a lot of work and I started seeing some hope. Tiny glimmers, and not often. I have a sister who is an active drug addict, that helped me understand some, I think.

So - these recovery behavior reports, Determinata, what's that all about? Part of marriage counseling, recovery, reconciliation I guess. For transparency?
My husband sees his IC about 1X monthly, sometimes every 3 weeks or so, he attends SA most every week, has a sponsor.

I see a trauma specialist, my IC, this group (also full of angels), I'm on meds for anxiety & depression, have PTSD, etc.

I am isolated, though. We live in his small hometown, he's well known, and just "wonderful." My best friends are all over the country. My FOO is far away.

I've also been checking out COSA online groups and meetings, don't want to go to al anon but may have to as there isn't anything else nearby.

We have disclosure coming up and I'm pretty nervous about it I guess. Terrified, more like. I just have no idea what to expect.

And my fake rocks I worked so hard on Sunday ...

Sorry for the ramble. And thanks for reading.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Determinata, I read your post again, you are also looking out for DS.

Wow. (((Hugs))) all around!


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away for a while...trying to catch up on everyone's posts.

Life keeps knocking me around. I'm not sure how to even muster the strength to heal. Speaking about remorse and empathy: it seems like he gets it sometimes. But then something happens that shows his true colors. A few nights ago, our neighbor, a young drug addict came knocking on our door at 2 in the morning screaming that she was being attacked. H called 911 and went outside. He waited with her until the cops and ambulance showed up. He also had to id the boyfriend who did it (he was walking away from the house when H went out). Yesterday, he was going on and on about how he doesn't understand how women can stay with abusive men.

I bit my lip, and wanted to throttle him. I'm tempted to send him information about abuse victims. And how spouses of cheaters display many of these characteristics of abuse. The more I detach from him, the more I see. Before, I scoffed at the idea that he gaslighted me. Of course he did! How else could he have kept his secret for so long? The difference with us was that instead of looking at his behavior and being paranoid, I always looked to myself. I believed that our dead sex life was my fault. It must have been my fault that he never talked about anything. It must have been my fault that he would push me away emotionally.

And it served as a great cover for him. If I was always concerned with me, I wouldn't be looking at reality. He let me believe that I was damaged beyond repair.

He still does it too. I did it during attempted R. I tried to twist myself into a pretzel for the marriage. I really believe that he had a vested interest in letting me believe that I'm just as sick as he is. He admitted it even. I think I mentioned that before. He told me that subconsciously, he wants me to be like him so we share something.

How can I forgive this much damage from the one person I gave my heart to?

The stress is getting to me. I have a nasty cold, and I'm going to be getting biopsy results on Thursday. If I have to deal with cancer on top of everything else, I'm not sure what my next step will be.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a very long time.

I need some perspective I feel I can trust.

I have been struggling with holding myself together in a healthy manner outside of all the SA crap that we deal with.
I am back up caregiver for my stepdad who has had a bone marrow transplant. He was my mother's caregiver, with heart issues and copd. Se is quite limited physically. This has involved spending 2-4 days every week in a city 3 hrs away to help care for them. This includes disinfecting every inch of the room, buying and preparing healthy and safe food ahead for their small freezer space, and taking him to his apptsdaily while I am there. My siblings are also helping, but the majority has fallen to me since the last week of July. I am still trying to work, I have daycare clients that have been flexible with me taking some days off. I am missing summer time with my 14 yr old, barely home long enough to do laundry, but still making sure I have my two evenings a week that I take for my dance classes that keep me grounded.
Just the background for why I feel so exhausted and unable to address this well at the moment. My mind keeps going in circles so I know I need focus.

My SAH has been in recovery since really 2009. Its been a real two steps forward and one step back kind of ride. SOmetimes 2 steps back.
THe changes in him are phenomenal. He has close relationships with men in his life, (although I am realizing those haven't been nurtured much lately), he is more open than ever in the past. Supposedly hasn't "acted out" in 2 yrs.
He is so much more present in our family life, his relationship with our son, very very supportive of me, my family, my interests. Its amazing actually how supportive of my dance interests. He helps me, hasn't complained about money or time spent away at workshops, and it is just for me. He always goes to his meetings unless we are out of town or our son has something we both should attend.

So, in the past several years despite all of his growth and improved boundaries, he still tends to be a little too friendly at work, is cautious in what he tells me about his day, all of which of course make me stay detached for my own emotional safety.

This part of our marriage has not been able to have any improvements or growth until he is able to be transparent enough for me. Before beginning this process with my parents this summer, I did ask him what he thought it would mean for us, as he has been known to stop being proactive when he is feeling lonely. "I don't know" is all I got.

I have certainly felt as the summer has continued that he was being a bit superficial, pretending everything is fine. Very helpful. never complaining, but never really any interaction between us of any real substance. I spoke about it at CoSA that I felt he either had acted out, or would be soon.

A few weeks ago, I noticed while checking my son's computer history on my SAH's computer that a removeable drive had been used, and had many many images viewed. I didn't see one anywhere. Asked son and daughter (casually) if they had used on for games or pictures. Nope. So I did know that it was pretty likely he had somehow saved some pics to a drive and viewed them at home. I just continued being detached and taking care of my self and responsibilities.

Last week, I was resetting my router to block internet while my 14 yr old would be alone in the house for the week. I do this regularly, and especially while I am going out of town each week. I happen to catch my router log and my son had tried to access a few inappropriate sites on his ipod minutes earlier. (FLuke that I even saw it, he thinks I am some kind of amazing x-ray vision mom now) Thank goodness it blocked all but one. While dealing with this I also rechecked son's usage of SAHs computer and ONE image from that removeable drive had been viewed the Friday before. (this was showing up in browser history under COMPUTER as apparently it used IE to browse the files but no internet)

Decided I needed to go ahead and check my assumptions were correct that it had been my SAH not son that had this flash drive somewhere. He did admit to it. He found this drive.
He of course had to see what was on it.
It belongs to my daughter. She is 25.
APparently there is one on there where she is unclothed in some manner.

I know that her generation thinks sending pictures to boyfriends is ok, and I am just an overprotective mother. Regardless, that is her 25 yr old business.

That one picture IS the one that was pulled up on the second instance of a flash drive being used. She is his stepdaughter.

This is much longer than I meant it to be. I feel like deleting this whole thing, so its a good sign that I better stop here and hit submit now.

Please help me process this?


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a L-O-N-G time for my SAFWH to defog enough to hear me. Defensiveness was his go to attitude FOREVER. It just wasn't possible for him to empathize. Oh, he could sympathize a tiny bit, for a short period of time, under controlled conditions and as long as I was calm and rational and not the blubbering fool I usually was when I recounted my life as I knew it married to a freaking liar for 30 years.

This! All day long. One of the most delicious parts of the crap buffet we are served is that we have to calmly, disinterestedly express our emotions about our husbands endangering our lives by exposing us to disease; spending OUR money on prostitutes; bringing hookers into homes or cars or just lives that are ours. My SAWH's reason/excuse is that being yelled at makes him feel like he's a child again and his mother is abusing him. I swear, it makes me want to say some really cruel things.
I may seem like I have it together, but my Celtic/Russian heritage is always right there waiting to express its real thoughts. Loudly. And with feeling. Add that to the 20 or so years I bit my tongue, frightened of his ire, I was very much like Old Faithful, blowing off steam weekly at least, and he had no tools to deal with me, so he did what he'd always done, ignored me or yelled louder.

I'm sorry that you were so afraid, for so long. That's terrible. (((((((hug)))))) How are things between you all now?
It's one more shit sandwich we are expected to eat. While the addict is engaged in a fight for their lives, an is getting support, and high fives, and colorful chips, we, as usual, are left at home, waiting, just waiting. They begin to heal, get stronger, are reborn, feel full of this new, integrity driven life, some of them for the first time EVER.

Yep, it's crazy how he went from getting ego kibble on whore review boards to ego kibble on whore recovery boards. I do appreciate SAA and the therapy he is getting but it's like he has no price to pay and it makes me so upset.

We continue to whither, still obsessing over how many, what positions, where, am I too fat or too short, etc. THIS is why we have to practice our own recovery. We cannot wait for them. This doesn't absolve them of attempting to understand our pain. And it doesn't excuse them from taking steps every day to avoid further injury. Some of their actions will just be going through the motions, but eventually, they can and will mean the remorse.

You're absolutely right and I even as I type this I realize that I need to stop focusing on the support he IS getting and start focusing on the support I am NOT getting.

IF they do make it past that first two-three YEARS (you read that right) you should start to see a new man. Because it is now a man instead of a boy. That stunted boy, stuck back in FOO trauma can now look around and see the world as an adult. Can now see and really FEEL the pain they cause others. They are no longer that insular, totally self absorbed creature around whom his own world revolves.

Thank you for this. I just want him to be a non-toxic parent, both for DS and for me since we are going to have to share a child together for at least the next couple of decades.

My SAFWH was a very slow learner. As I said before, some of the psychological damage to me was done while he was still in this stage. Not acting out, but still a selfish child.

I am finding this to be the hardest part to deal with -- the unending selfishness.

You must be the agent of your own healing. He simply cannot. There is a reason the amends step is so far along in the 12 steps. It takes some addicts a lifetime to truly get there.

Wish I could give you all rl hugs....


Hugs back to you, sK.

I want to understand your story more. Are there any threads I can check out where you outline what has happened and the timeline? ((hugs))


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hannelore,
You will survive the disclosure. I hope it is true and complete and starts to give you some degree of closure on your SAWH's acting out.

And thanks for reading back--yes, the reports are so I can keep tabs on what he is doing with an eye toward safety for DS. Dropping out of recovery means escalation which means no access to DS.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone29,
I relate so much to what you are saying. My SAWH is a former law enforcement officer and of course has many strong opinions about how to go through the world as a morally correct human being--even though he violates almost all of them. So far as I know, he has not killed or raped anyone but thieving, abusing, harassing, assaulting, coercing, stalking, are all things he have done on some level because he is an angry person who lashes out at the world because he was abused before the age of 6 and everyone on the planet must pay. But he LOATHES 'criminals.'

I'm praying that your biopsy comes back normal. Please focus on your self-care and surround yourself with as much love and support as possible.

And as far as forgiveness goes, there are wiser posters than me who can speak to this but I suspect that when he has earned your forgiveness, by being insightful, contrite, loving, empathetic, humble, etc., you will give it. He's not there yet and it's not a character flaw to not forgive someone who isn't worthy of it yet.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

Please keep posting and don't feel obligated to get completely 'read up' if you just need support.

[This message edited by determinata at 1:58 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((too trusting)))))))

First of all, I've read your post history and it's just so sad to me how fraught most of your posts about your situation are. You say he's been in recovery since 2009. But how long have YOU been in recovery? Are you seeing a CSAT or an IC?

Second, if you think he's acting out, he probably is. And it's probably been going on longer than you suspect at this moment. I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong but I think that all of the red flags are still there--
He's had affairs on the job but is still flirting on the job.
He's guarded about what goes on at work, which suggests he's protecting his turf in some way.
He has not been nurturing real relationships with men in his life lately, which suggests he's detaching from those relationships and attaching to something else.
He's nonsreponsive to your request for transparency.
You state that he's not proactive when he's feeling "lonely" but in my experience, sex addicts often use "loneliness" and other sympathy-inducing problems to obscure the real issue--that they stop being proactive because they are acting out sexually. Think of it this way: If you were lonely and had hurt your best friend, who as a result was not as close to you as she had been, wouldn't you proactively work on that relationship so you would not have to be lonely anymore? Or would you rebuff your friend's need for real honesty and intimacy, doing nothing she wants to heal the rift, because you are "lonely"?

To me, "I can't work on this relationship because I'm too lonely" means "I can't work on this relationship because I'm busy trying to juggle you, fake recovery, get my psychosexual jollies off and keep this relationship intact and I don't have the time, strength or energy to be a full partner in this relationship."

With regards to the stepdaughter's photo...I don't completely understand the sequence of events but it sounds as though you suspect that your husband was looking at nude / seminude photos of your adult daughter. Is that right?

If you believe that he intentionally viewed a nude / provocative photo of your daughter, I would strongly suggest you ask him to immediately move out and go NC with your daughter. And then you need to see a CSAT if you haven't already and start clearing your mind out of the coaddict fog.

I don't use the term "coaddict" lightly or casually. But when we cross the line of in anyway trying too minimize or accommodate deviant behavior from a sex addict, I believe that is coaddict thinking. What you suspect he did is not okay and it's a severe escalation in behavior to be sexualizing a first degree relative in that way. I know she's not his baby but she is YOUR baby and as a mother, I think you need to protect her from being exploited as fantasy and mastubatory material. He could even target her for seduction or sexual assault.

I know sex addicts have hair triggers and bad boundaries. My own STBXSAWH admits sexualizing his adult female relatives but (1) he admitted with no pressure / grilling from me and (2) took steps to avoid trigger material, like getting off of FB where his adult female cousins are constantly posting scantily clad party and pool shots (3) is pretty much NC with them due to his poor boundaries.

And I would be giving you slightly different advice if he came to you and said, "I saw a nude photo of DD and it was triggering. I feel awful and I need help." But he didn't. You are trying to police his sexual behaviors and you caught him. I'm sorry but I think you need to get him away from you, away from your daughter and you need to think seriously about what your boundaries are. Because if this is not a marriage-ending violation, what is?

Completely separately, you need to talk to your daughter about her photos, flash drives and sexting. Her leaving materiale around makes her sexual conduct your business and you need to set down a firm expectation with her that forgetting her nudes / sex photos will not happen again. Your teen son doesn't need to see it. His friends who may be over don't need to see it. You don't need to see it. She is NOT, I repeat, NOT responsible for your SAH's behavior but she needs to be discreet about her sex portraits and if she could leave something like that around your house, she could very well leave it out at a workplace or somewhere else. She needs to be an adult about her adult activities and you should have a respectful, brief but clear conversation with her about managing her images and reputation.

[This message edited by determinata at 2:50 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Determinata, your wise advice and empathy is amazing considering the enormous strain you are under. Thank you for your clarity.

My profile has my rather scattered, but more or less complete story. I'll be happy to fill in the blanks if it is useful to anyone.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, it occurs to me that it might help to describe a SA in strong recovery. As I've said before, it has taken my SAFWH a long time to get where he is. I don't know if age has anything to do with the length of time before recovery took hold of him. He was 58 when he began in SA
I know several SAs with long time sobriety. They are kind, insightful, modest, generous men. In addition to them, I've met men in early recovery. You develop a Spidey sense for the ones with genuine remorse, the ones you know are going to fight for their sanity. Others are filled with a false sense of confidence. They haven't faced the fact that they are, indeed, powerless, and until they give up, until they humble themselves on that altar of humanness, they will continue to hurt themselves and others.
I've also known of men who have lost everything, family, jobs, power, money (lots), freedom-some are headed to jail, and in one sad case, a guy who poured gasoline on himself and lit a match because he just couldn't continue...he had been sober for a long time. No one knows what precipitated his act.
My SAFWH is a totally different person than he used to be. I can truly say he is very much like the guy I married 35 years ago, except, of course, he isn't hiding a secret life. While the addict had become angry all the time, most often at me, this guy is happy, and consciously so. He is verbally grateful for his life, for the fact that I haven't left him, that I continue to give him a chance every day to prove to me that he is sincerely sorry for the damage. He is content with whatever I can give him, whether that be affection or just friendship. He tries to be aware of my moods, watches out for anything that can be triggery, and asks me if I'm OK, or if I want to talk. He isn't great at spotting my moods, but he is trying. I don't hold this against him. This is not his strength, never has been, he truly does his best. I believe his bipolar, add and perhaps a bit of aspergers plays a part in this weakness.
When I do have a meltdown, and it is less frequent than it used to be, he tries to listen constructively and not defensively. Again, this goes against his natural tendency. It is a dance we have learned. I will say, I'm feeling "blank" and I need you to just understand 1) that I am feeling this way and 2) why I'm feeling this way. Otherwise, he needs to fix it. Sometimes he CAN'T fix it because it is unfixable. He is PATIENT! This is a big change!!!
An ongoing issue and point of contention is a hobby of his. While he didn't actually engage any of his "friends" in this hobby, it was his excuse for being away so much. Consequently, I HATE the hobby and anything associated with it. However, it is something healthy, his only real hobby, and something both my sons have adopted as their favorite pasttime as well. My problem is, when SAFWH goes to spend time at this, my mind wanders to all those times I was alone, thinking he was doing something innocent, when in reality, he was most likely getting his knob polished by some stripper in a bar. It doesn't make for a happy homecoming. So, to alleviate some of the tension, SAFWH does a couple of things, (I do, too) 1) makes sure I have something to do to keep me busy 2) sends me pictures through the day to reassure me that he is indeed at the place he said he was. 3) makes me aware of when he is coming home and offers to bring home dinner. He knows it bothers me, I know it bothers me, we are trying to work with it.
There are so many things I wish I could change. But I can't. The worst of the anger has past, but I'm still angry and resentful, just not as intensely. I certainly let him know it, when I must, but I don't rub his nose in it.
His relationship with our sons is the best it has been in years. I am very grateful for that. It was strained at best with DS#1 and somewhat artificial and superficial with DS#2. They know the story. Not a lot of details, but they witnessed the verbal abuse, some of it, DS#2 copied it to some extent (I didn't let him get away with it, BTW) Both kids have expressed to me their gratitude for their upbringing. I love them to death, they are fine, strong, amazingly empathetic young men.
Some will tell you to divorce an SA immediately. I can tell you this: if I knew in 1998 what I would find out in 2008, I definitely would have considered separation at the very least. I spent those ten years trying to fix my marriage and my (non existent) sex life. I didn't know that my husband HAD a sex life and had already checked out of my marriage. Those ten years were years my self-esteem took a major hit. And I wasted them on an addict. Addicts love only their drug of choice.
But, if you have someone who is in active recovery, and you understand that it is a lifelong process for both of you., it can be done. You, your marriage, your life won't be the same.
But none of us ever is the same after trauma of any kind....


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With regards to the stepdaughter's photo...I don't completely understand the sequence of events but it sounds as though you suspect that your husband was looking at nude / seminude photos of your adult daughter. Is that right?

If you believe that he intentionally viewed a nude / provocative photo of your daughter, I would strongly suggest you ask him to immediately move out and go NC with your daughter. And then you need to see a CSAT if you haven't already and start clearing your mind out of the coaddict fog.


^^^THIS^^^

This makes me shudder. If this is what's going on, I think you also need to talk to a woman's law center and see what you can do to protect your daughter from these images being online at all - and prosecute your husband.

NOW.

This is beyond reprehensible. You need to see if he can be prosecuted.


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SA = sex addict, selfish asshole or both?

My H keeps saying I'm making the situation more complicated than it seems.

He says he is just a selfish asshole and not a SA. I've asked him if he's ever taken the time to read up on sex addiction. Of course he hasn't. He doesn't want to read it and it fit his description.

Does it matter though if he is just a selfish asshole or a sex addict? I'm sure it does in the process of recovery.

Determinata, I can only hope my H can get to a place where he is reading books and taking steps to become more aware of what's going on with him to make himself better. I know it probably took a long time to finally get your H to do that.


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotcha, I think you nailed it. There are tons of people who will tell you SA doesn't exist, much like global warming. My position is, if the treatment is effective, who cares? (Or if conservative and recycling helps clean up the earth, why is that a bad thing )
I also think the selfish asshole label fits.
If he isn't willing to dig deeper, he runs the risk of repeating his behavior.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kindness, determinata. I appreciate it more than you know.

Just came back from the doctor, and I am very happy to announce that I am cancer free!

It was a difficult night. I barely slept at all. H completely forgot about the appointment. He kept going on about God talking to him and directing him to a part of the Bible that describes his journey..blah blah blah. By the end of the night, I asked him to wake me up so I can get ready. "Why? Oh right, the appointment."
This morning I told him that I wanted to see the doctor alone.
His head's so far up his own ass he can't see anything else. He's back to abandoning the kids. He hides away in the kitchen and watches endless God talks and movies about Jesus while the rest of us go on with family life. My youngest cries because he doesn't want to spend time with her and she says it feels like he hates her. He brushes it off and thinks she's trying to manipulate us. I can't wait for things to change.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I've been snooping and really don't care at the moment. I know for sure now that he's not sober and hasn't been able to stay sober for very long lately.
I'm desperately trying to find any evidence of sex outside the marriage so I don't have to wait a year to D. I doubt I'll find anything though.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
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