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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I snooped yesterday, too.

When they give you red flags, can't blame us for checking it out, right?

I find my senses and alarms are heightened and even the smallest thing that I would've normally turned a blind eye to, I'll be sure to check out.

Last night, my H was sitting in the living room alone with the TV on. I brought the baby into the living room and had him watch him for a few minutes. He put his phone on the sofa face down to his left. I noticed.

He got up to go smoke a cigarette downstairs (yuck). All of a sudden his phone wasn't there anymore, but I saw he didn't take it with him. He was hiding it under a pillow. Open up the phone, bam, porn.

I'm glad I snooped.


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had 4 dogs until recently. Our beloved little stealth pooper was euthanized in April. She was 17 years old and about 10 lbs. Perfect for carrying around, rocking, etc. But she would sometimes potty indoors. It increased as her health declined.

She was scared of storms, hated the rain, and as she got older had trouble walking, especially up and down steps. We would pick her up and carry her when she wanted in or out. Sometimes we missed her cue, and that crippled old dog would take a dump somewhere and be back in her bed and we'd miss the whole thing. She'd go into another part of the house, under or behind furniture, and I'd find it later. It drove me mad.

My husband compared his affairs/acting out (whatever) to that. The dog would shit in the house so I wanted to burn the house down whereas he would just quietly clean it up. WHAT?!

I can't even elaborate on this anymore. I just have to shake my head and roll my eyes.

I've been snooping, too. Disclosure is coming up and I don't want to miss anything. All it did was open up old wounds so I deleted a bunch of stuff (found nothing new). Maybe I'm cleaning up old poop.

Edited for errors.


[This message edited by Hannelore at 12:40 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, thank goodness for good news at least! One less thing on your burdened shoulders....

As for snooping, why on earth do we feel anything but totally justified for trying to keep our "houses" clean? As Hanna so aptly puts it, we have the right to search and destroy that shit.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have an upgraded profile/membership?

Is it worth it--the investigative forum specifically.


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
dragonfly14
♀ New Member
Member # 44473
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I suppose I'm a part of this group now. While I have suspected my husband of having a sex (porn) addiction for years now, it has finally crossed a line. This is my long story.

7 days ago I discovered that for the past 5 months he has been placing and responding to Craigís List ads regarding sexual encounters. There were multiple messages to women who placed ads looking for someone to get them pregnant in which my husband went so far as to provide his full medical history and discuss where they could meet based on her ovulation schedule. In this particular message he stated, ďI would prefer not to host at my house as my living situation is complicated.Ē Just the fact the he was essentially categorizing me as a complication in his plans was incredibly disrespectful.
There were several emails I found where he sent pictures of himself, both hard and soft (his words) to other women and requesting pictures of their specific body parts as well Ė all of these images are now burned into my brain.
The one email that made me get to the real possibility of ending our marriage was this:
I found an email that included a picture he sent of his penis taken in our bed (hard to disguise purple bed sheets) with the comment, ďItís hard to take a picture of this and not wake my wife up.Ē He continued to send and request additional photos and both he and this women were engaging in what was email sex. Many of the things he said to her were things he says to me during our private moments. So not only was I disgusted and hurt, but I truly felt violated that he had brought me into the conversation as if I didnít matter at all and that he took some of our private moments and used them with someone else. This event occurred on May 12. Not only the day we returned from vacation, but also Motherís Day. When I looked further I discovered he had been talking to this women all through the month of April and connected with her again after our vacation stating, ďSorry, I had to lay low for a while.Ē They discussed when and where they could meet to take this to the next level. They talked about meeting at a library and he told her his work schedule and the days he had off and to himself. In this and other emails he discussed his availability to ďhostĒ sessions in his home on Wednesdays when he was home alone. In total I found 50 emails (not including the back and forth conversations) before I stopped looking.
May and June were hard months for us. He had been really mean to me for weeks leading up to and including our vacation and I finally called him on it. We worked through a lot of issues during that conversation and agreed to work harder on our relationship. July was a good month and I could see all the effort he was putting into our relationship and giving me what I needed. These past three weeks I felt we were really connected and loving again and we wanted to be together every day. So to discover all of this during a time I was so happy and content was heart breaking.

When I confronted him with all of this I asked him if he had ever slept with anyone else. He said he hadnít and I do believe him. In all the emails I read, there was a lot of discussion about meeting in person, but never any solid plans, dates, times, addresses or anything like that. The online issue has been present for years, but Iíve never suspected or had any reason to believe he would actually have a true affair with someone.

I did tell him that whether he saw it this way or not, what he was doing was cheating to me. He was being intimate with actual women, this was no longer just a fantasy world he was living in. My perception was also that it wasnít like a one time fling he had that we could maybe work through, it felt like he had 50 affairs with 50 different women over the course of 5 months, all while telling me how much he wanted us to be together and doing this while in bed next to me was the ultimate betrayal.

He of course apologized multiple times, took full responsibility for everything. Said he didnít know why he did it, didnít actually want a relationship of any kind with anyone other than me. Iím smart enough to know that none of this has anything to do with me. Itís not because of anything I did or didnít do. Itís not because he doesnít love me or doesnít find me attractive. Itís a real issue that he has to fix.

He is working on setting up therapy for himself and I've schedule couples therapy for the both of us. I'm still in shock over all of this and haven't even really cried yet. I suppose that will come with time.


DDay: 8/6/14
BS - Me
WH - SA, Online Affairs, Email Sexting, CL Ads.
Married 12 years
2 kids

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2014
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: How do you all feel about divorce and the kid custody sharing issue? I am at the point where I would be OK with leaving my husband, I love him but the damage done is so huge and life should just not be so unhappy. My H is in active recovery, sober for awhile (over a year dep on whether you count five minutes of porn viewing as a slip or a relapse), he is a better person in many of the ways SK described but he still shows some moments of true insensitivity/blurting out hurtful things and although he is now treated he still has adhd forgetfulness issues. And I am finding I cannot get past how RUINED everything is, I hate our anniversary, I hate seeing other people's wedding photos, I hate the house that was supposed to be our first house for our little family.

We are at a standstill because neither of us can bear to be apart from the kids for more than one night per week. I can't stand for H to have them 2-3 days/nights per week. I mean, cannot.stand. Given that he is not an active addict but rather just a huge disappointment, I would rather stay married to him or even contemplate some kind of f'd up "in house divorce" is there such a thing?? than be apart from my babies.

Thoughts? Anyone with little kids (and spouse in active recovery) who can't stand the idea of being apart (and also quite hard to be the solo parent of multiple very young ones for most of the week, the extra pair of hands is pretty darn helpful).

Sadone, so happy to hear this news! New posters, sorry you are here. :(

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:53 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@gotcha, I have a premium membership, but I don't use that forum too often. It does have many, many useful tools if one needs. I am happy with the pittance I pay, this is an entirely volunteer site, the founders have spent a fortune of their own money to get it up and keep it running.

@cds.no help, either, honey. My kids are grown. But as a teacher, kids do well if parents are respectful and work together.

@dragonfy...So sorry you are here. Best advice is to read and educate yourself. The first page of this thread has excellent resources, I especially recommend Dr. Madness' s book and Barbara Steffens' book to start. I also strongly suggest you find a support group for YOU. RL support is essential.

And prepare yourself for more bad news. It is rare that we find out all the crap at the outset. SAs are BIG on shame. So they hide the extent of their activities. Rarely is what we find out all that really happened.

And he must get help from a Certified Sex Addiction Specialist AND commit to attending a 12 step program, IMHO. That is the only way a SA or for that matter any addict can recover.

This is a LONG LONG , lifetime battle. There are steps forward and back. It is not linear. And it isn't your battle. Your battle is to heal from the tremendous trauma of what you have seen and discovered, no small task.

We are here, we are listening. And holding you in the ************LIGHT*********

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:46 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. DD16 is back in the hospital after a second suicide attempt. More serious attempt, luckily no long lasting effects. This time her new internet boyfriend was actually bragging online about driving her to kill herself. I've looked over some of their text conversations and feel like stomping the little shit into the dirt.

Finding it easier to deal with SAWH this time. I've got no extra energy for any drama with him. Really scared she's going to keep trying until she succeeds. I've been talking with her about going for a cross country road trip to visit my big brother once she's discharged. She seems excited by the idea, and it will obviously limit her internet access for awhile. I can be more certain about what sharp or poisonous things are available to her in our car. I'm hoping a change in routine and scenery will help us both. Wish us luck...


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@skaredy Thank you! I guess I feel a little guilty because I read emails to his sponsor. I originally told him that I wouldn't do that. I really am just trying to protect myself though.

@cds Thank you too! And I'm in the same position, except that H doesn't have long term sobriety yet. I'm at the point where I'm no longer denying the damage he's done. He distorted my reality for a decade. I lived a false reality which he created for me. I can't move on from that with him. But I also can't stand being away from my kids if the courts give us shared custody. And I'm terrified of being a single mom with no help. Just more crap we're forced to deal with, isn't it? I would also consider some weird in house D for a little while, but only if we had completely separate and cut off areas of the house.
But, I don't know how healthy that would be for the kids either. I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see what would be best.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dragonfly14
I am sorry you are a part of this club but welcome. I am going to give you some hard advice and I hope you will take it in the spirit in which its meant.

7 days ago I discovered that for the past 5 months he has been placing and responding to Craigís List ads regarding sexual encounters.

I would be very suspicious of this timeline. If you've only found 5 months' worth of evidence, it likely points to him having either deleted earlier emails or having multiple email accounts.

There were multiple messages to women who placed ads looking for someone to get them pregnant in which my husband went so far as to provide his full medical history and discuss where they could meet based on her ovulation schedule.

I have to say that planning to get someone pregnant --or even roleplaying that you might-- is pretty deviant behavior and suggests pretty deep progression into sex addiction. Again, please be skeptical that this has been going on for months and not years, many years.

In this particular message he stated, ďI would prefer not to host at my house as my living situation is complicated.Ē Just the fact the he was essentially categorizing me as a complication in his plans was incredibly disrespectful.
That is incredibly disrespectful and you have to remember that to an addict anything that gets in the way of his high is a complication, a distraction or an obstacle. It's very dehumanizing.

The one email that made me get to the real possibility of ending our marriage was this:
I found an email that included a picture he sent of his penis taken in our bed (hard to disguise purple bed sheets) with the comment, ďItís hard to take a picture of this and not wake my wife up.Ē

Very poor boundaries, incredible insensitivity are definitely hallmarks of sex addicts

In total I found 50 emails (not including the back and forth conversations) before I stopped looking.
May and June were hard months for us. He had been really mean to me for weeks leading up to and including our vacation and I finally called him on it. We worked through a lot of issues during that conversation and agreed to work harder on our relationship. July was a good month and I could see all the effort he was putting into our relationship and giving me what I needed. These past three weeks I felt we were really connected and loving again and we wanted to be together every day. So to discover all of this during a time I was so happy and content was heart breaking.

For my SAWH, the 'mean' periods were times where he was the most sexually frustrated because he wasn't having success in securing prostitutes. The better times were when he was having extramarital sex. I'm not saying this is your situation but it's something for you to consider.

When I confronted him with all of this I asked him if he had ever slept with anyone else. He said he hadnít and I do believe him. In all the emails I read, there was a lot of discussion about meeting in person, but never any solid plans, dates, times, addresses or anything like that. The online issue has been present for years, but Iíve never suspected or had any reason to believe he would actually have a true affair with someone.

I'm going to tell you that this is dangerous and possibly wishful thinking. If the only things he admits to are the things you have documentation of, then he's losing nothing by admitting to them. Please consider my experience as a cautionary tale--I found evidence my SAH saw 3-5 prostitutes for the first 8 months of our marriage and for 6 years he stuck to that story. Over the last year, the body count for that time period has gone up and up. It now stands at 10+. There was no evidence of more prostitutes and he didn't tell me about them until he was ready to do so--after we had bought a home, had a child and I was good and thoroughly trapped. Had he not started TTing last year, I still wouldn't know about the multiple women he brought to our home, the additional email accounts he hid, the STD he hid, and other things that he never told me after DDay.

I did tell him that whether he saw it this way or not, what he was doing was cheating to me. He was being intimate with actual women, this was no longer just a fantasy world he was living in. My perception was also that it wasnít like a one time fling he had that we could maybe work through, it felt like he had 50 affairs with 50 different women over the course of 5 months, all while telling me how much he wanted us to be together and doing this while in bed next to me was the ultimate betrayal.

He of course apologized multiple times, took full responsibility for everything. Said he didnít know why he did it, didnít actually want a relationship of any kind with anyone other than me. Iím smart enough to know that none of this has anything to do with me. Itís not because of anything I did or didnít do. Itís not because he doesnít love me or doesnít find me attractive. Itís a real issue that he has to fix.

He is working on setting up therapy for himself and I've schedule couples therapy for the both of us. I'm still in shock over all of this and haven't even really cried yet. I suppose that will come with time.

50 affairs in 5 months is a lot of activity and again it suggests real world sex. Please get yourself tested for STDs and get him and yourself involved with CSATs. Regular ICs do an immense amount of damage to sex addicts because they do not know sex addict issues---women up and down this thread can attest to this. As for MC, I'd urge you to cancel that. MC again often does a lot of damage to partners of sex addicts because they do not understand the depth of the issues involved and, while well intentioned, encourage rugsweeping and 'sharing responsibility' for the errant spouses acting-out. Please, please don't get sucked in. You don't want to save a marriage to am active sex addict so it's critical he be in recovery BEFORE you try to work on your relationship.

Maybe your marriage can be saved. And if you still want it, I hope it can be saved. But right now I would suggest that it's important to get more of the truth and connect to qualified professionals, not people outside of the SA world who will tell your husband over and over that it is normal to fantasize; normal to cheat; normal to want sex outside of marriage and that he just needs to deploy love and willpower to save the day. It's not enough. Please start reading Patrick Carnes if you haven't already and get familiar with the work of Milton Magness. There are more resources listed in the top of this thread. Best to you and again, I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by determinata at 12:49 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
blindedbylove715
♀ New Member
Member # 44527
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New to this site but my partner is a SA and I am a codependent because I grew up with an alcoholic mother so I never think about myself. Recently I got pregnant and really believed for the last year that he had stopped. yesterday I decided to snoop and found various emails from Craigslist ads and discovered he had met up with someone as recent as Aug 3. He's known about my pregnancy since early July. I love him and we have been through so much in our 6 year relationship. He knows he needs help but doesn't know where to start, I've given him several resources and told him he needs to start proving that he wants to take the first step or I'd leave and he wants so badly to be a good partner and father. I just feel at my wits end at this point.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@blinded and any other newbies who may be lurking. Read and reread Determinata' s post. Look up her story. Read my profile. Sex addicts are master manipulators. Classic seducers, charming, wonder saviors of women. Until they are crossed, or questioned or thwarted in their quest for that next perfect conquest.

Educate yourself about sex addiction. Get rl support and get strong. Listen very carefully when determinata says DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON A REGULAR IC/MC.

And please, especially if you have kids, don't stay with an active addict. Beg and borrow for support, stay with friends, go to a shelter. Living with an active addict is damaging to everyone in the family system. And believe me the kids know more than you think they do, even if they don't know the gory details.

"Coaddiction" is a label that is often interpreted to suggest you share some blame. NO! You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. And most of the time, your "coaddictive" behaviors magically disappear when the addict does, or if the addict gets sober. Believe me, somewhere in their manipulative, sick minds, addicts know exactly what buttons to push, because they installed them.

Get help for yourself. Get healthy. You are the only thing you control.

HUGS....SK

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:18 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK is giving you such perfect advice. I wish I'd listened when I first found out. I'd bet 90% of the people here wish the same.

[This message edited by OnlyDo at 10:41 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((((((OnlyDo)))))))))))))))))
Just wanted to give you a hug. How are you doing lately?


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should partners of SAs do the 180?

It's been suggested to me, and some of them I agree with, but some of them I feel would be giving my H what he wants.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

I feel like if I showed him happiness and contentment, he'd continually try to recreate his usual cycle which is... do something bad, wife finds out, wife freaks out and demands he doesnt do it, stops or pretends not to do it for a couple weeks until wife stops freaking out, then back to normal.

I'm not trying to convince him to choose me over another woman (I mean, it could be argued that the other woman is sex with multiple women and porn)... but I feel like it's basically you're playing hard to get for your partner, making them chase you.

I can maybe agree with the anger and being calm stuff, but to that extent?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huh? Gotcha, I say be yourself. Your justifiably angry, upset, hurt, and violated self! Making it "easy" for them just slows down the process of weeding out who is likely to recover and be able to rebuild the M versus who has a poor prospect of SA recovery. And besides recovery is their problem!! It also slows down your healing process to have to keep everything in and fake good cheer.

My head is just spinning that you keeping the Betrayer would be the goal, as implied by the quote you linked. In my mind is it all about whether the betrayer/SA is going to change and act well enough to keep ME!!!


Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right, I completely agree with you.

That's why I quoted one of the 180 rules. That's the one that made me say... wait, what?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Determinata. Not having a good day , but thanks for asking. Met with a social worker at the hospital this morning to work out a safety plan for when DD comes home next week. Realized that between psychiatrists, therapists and social workers this is probably the 6th safety plan discussion we've had. Obviously she's still really unstable. The hospital shrink suggested borderline personality disorder which is what my therapists have suggested my husband might have. Apparently there's a strong genetic link.

The SAH keeps saying oblivious, insensitive things and offering the most bonehead ironic advice possible. he's really angry about dd's idiot boyfriend. How did she get involved with such a manipulative guy? What's happened to her self -esteem? She needs to learn better coping skills, like her dad! A strong same partner would be so appreciated right now, but we work with what we have


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Onlydo))))) so frightening when one of your kids is ill. Sending you strength...

Yeah, that quote seems misplaced, but don't lose sight of the fact that the 180 is for YOU. A way to detach, not to "win him back."

I unknowingly did this in the early days, way before SI. Started to live my life as though he wasn't going to be part if it because, well, he told me in a fit of rage that he didn't want to be. It scared him to see that I could and would do it. Didn't solve the problems, but then again, I still didn't know what was going on. I did it again when I discovered the porn, when the words "sex addiction" were first used. I began to work my own recovery, and prepared to leave him in the dust. His sobriety began then. His slips were few, and none involved other rl women. He knew I was serious because I was.

You cannot win back an addict. They the behavior/drug causes measurable changes in the brain chemistry that causes them to crave the behavior/drug again and again. (I'm aware this is controversial, but I have seen studies and literature and REAL LIFE enough to convince me) The addictive cycle is predictable and frighteningly uncontrollable in some people. Oh, for sure, they are assholes, making stupid, selfish choices that hurt others, but they are addicts, too, caught in that cycle. Responsible for their actions, yes, but also trapped by brain chemistry. 12steps and therapy works because it helps them break the cycle and substitute other actions for the drug/acting out/ gambling/shopping/overeating. It works if you work it.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I served divorce papers last Thursday, SAH moved in with is ow, saw sexts between them how they were in "love" lol. The manipulation and lies are so ridiculous, he still denies what I saw with my own eyes, denies their relationship even though he's lived with her this past wk, denial! Doesn't accept any of it as cheating It doesn't matter anymore at all, but he's so incapable of any honesty. He didn't want me anymore, but yet texts me tonight he wishes he were here with me. It's such a mind fuck, but again doesn't matter since we are getting divorced. I so miss the man I fell in love with, sometimes I get a glimpse of that man and it breaks my heart


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

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