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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-13
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Quiet - Your words meant a lot this morning as I woke up yet again with the first thought in my head that he has done this. I have no other choice but move on. I have to find the will to get over this but my heart is giving me different signals. I got up and couldn't stop crying. I'm not a crier by any means. I'm just not but this has affected me to my core.

I'm looking for a S-Anon meeting. Hopefully there is something in my area. I need to talk to some people who are going through the same things. I feel so much anger and hate. I want to forgive him, I want to live again in peace. I want to enjoy my children and friends and not always think about this. It's not an easy road we have to travel down but you are so right. Many have done it, and lived through it so can we.

Thank God for all of you, I get my strength in here. Now I can start my day and try to unload my dishwasher but that's it! lol. Other than that I don't have a lot to offer right now and I'm ok with that. It's only been a week so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.

Thank you all so much. Quiet.....your husband is so lucky to have you as are many husbands on here. You are strong woman.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I should do it, but it feels so selfish that it feels wrong.

I know soconfusednow. It does feel wrong but, I finally figured out why at least for me. My belief is that marriage is all about two people who love each other each of whom are invested 100% in the other. Every day I did something I thought would make my H happy. Something that would make him realize how much I loved him and wanted him to be happy which would ignite the same feelings in him to do the same for me. Guess what? It didn't work.

What SA has taught me is that they are takers. They got stuck during an important developmental stage and they didn't grow up and learn to give back. They stayed planted in their selfishness and world of "its all about me". We, as the spouses, tend to be nurturers and givers at heart so it comes naturally for us but, now that we have come to the fork in the road and are staring down the SA monster it's time to step back and realize that they haven't been thinking about us at all. They have taken everything they could get from us. For me, I was sucked dry.

If they have never learned to put anyone else before themselves (it used to be called manners when I was growing up) then now is the time to start learning. They won't start to process this until they no longer have their surrogate mommy (us) "helping" and guiding them along. It's a crash course in consideration and learning to give back (adulthood)which, of course, might build up to that dreaded *intimacy* word. Shudder. It's about learning to be responsible as husbands and fathers and taking their place in society.

We have all been wounded in ways we never knew were possible and we cannot attend to the gaps in our heart and stop the hemorrhage while we are trying to put a sling on our SA's arm and drive them to the doctor. They NEED to do this work. It is vital to maturing and being complete. We also have work to do. We have to stop believing that we are the only ones that can get this done. We have to remember that we are NOT the mommy and its not up to us to make sure this turns out right. They may have a handicap but, they are adults and they NEED to figure this out. They will if their heart is in it.

Now, it is time for us to spend some time with ourselves and figure out why it is we feel like we are responsible for the worlds happiness and why are we ok with never getting anything in return. I'm certainly not there yet but, am determined to figure this out. I don't see martyrdom as a particularly good thing however, I have certainly played the part for many, many years. Something has to give so, I am going to step back and let H do HIS work and I will do mine. I refuse to let his effed up thinking hurt me anymore because it still does if I don't recognize it for what it is.

Didn't mean for this to become a novel. It's just something I've had on my heart for a long time now and for the first time in many months, something is finally making sense.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 736 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, what an incredibly insightful post. I'm reading it over again, thank you for sharing.

Whatgives - pm



Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 198 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seriously love you ladies and your insight into this addiction, I wish I was able to post more often but I do everything from my phone since we don't own a computer anymore (for the reasons in my profile).

I schedule a polygraph for this weekend and just hammered out the questions with the guy, I feel sick to my stomach talking to a stranger about it and for even having a reason to need his services. Ugh I really hate the hubby right now for this. I dread what choices I will need to make should anything come back untruthful but need to mentally prepare over the next few days


Me: 33 BS 2 little boys
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 356 | Registered: Nov 2013
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jls)))
My SAH, after fighting me for months, has agreed to a polygraph. The problem is his story is so cockeyed and full of holes it seems pointless, he'd never pass. I know I could never trust him going forwar, so why bother? We're thinking of waiting until this Jan (the 2 year anniversary of this horror show). He thinks by then he will be ready to tell the whole truth (not that he isn't now). Not a week goes by without some new horrifying admission and/or some totally transparent lie. Maybe that's progress, but it's killing my will to live.

Anyone here low or no contact with their spouse? I need it to save what's left of my sanity, but it's embarrassingly difficult for me to cut him out of my life. I think I'm addicted too. Anybody have any helpful suggestions? It's a struggle hour to hour.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Only - I have little contact and after last night that will be less I'm sure. It's very hard but for me I can't do it any other way. Everyone is different. I have come to realize that he has to get the help on his own and if loves me like he truly says he does he will be back not that I will be ready or want to take him back.

I did point him in the right direction of the meeting last week and he made the call. He told me this morning through text that he loved me and he was going. I have little faith at this point as being selfish is far more easy then the hard work involved in therapy. Those of you who choose to stay witness that first hand with how they behave and suck the life out of you. I don't see him much and we hardly even text anymore aside from my blowout with him last night which leads me to believe it's better that way. If he's going to get treatment, he will have to want to do that on his own or he will only drag me further down with him. At this point I'm just trying to survive myself so I'm of no use to him. Nothing he can say, right now or do can take this pain away whether he is here or not. So it's better he's not here. It surely is a tough one!


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onlydo, how are you able to wait that long? Seems like it would be torture for you :(
My SAH has answered these questions before and swears there's nothing more, so I'll find out if he's being honest or not about it I guess. I did get pissed last night because he was looking at flights to visit his dad this weekend, he's ill, never once mentioned a desire to go visit but now that I have this scheduled? Will be interesting to see if he goes to the polygraph, better since I already paid for half


Me: 33 BS 2 little boys
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 356 | Registered: Nov 2013
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Whatgives Thanks for your reply. I know I need to cut him out of my life. All he does is bring more pain. He agreed to go to meetings too. Managed to make 2 meetings in 5 months He thinks he can do it on his own, no matter how many times he has failed in the past. I think he doesn't want to lay it all out for anyone, not even himself. If he seeks help someone might suggest he do something he's not comfortable with! Horrors!! He tells me he loves me, swears it won't happen again, I know better.I miss the guy I thought he was so goddam much its literally breaking my heart. I'm starting outpatient therapy this evening, maybe it will help.

@Jls Waiting is the last thing I want to do. He's unwilling or unable to be honest with me. He keeps saying I know it all and then adds more. He gets upset if I remind him of something he said 3 days ago because "now I'm telling you the truth ". I just need him to shut the hell up for now and stop lobbing grenades at me. I hope your guy means what he says, mine doesn't.


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
CoSA1977
♀ New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point I just want to work on my own recovery and healing. I don't want to be angry forever. I also know that I happen to love my SA husband very much. He knows my bottom line is the next time he cheats I'm out. I can't stay in it if he isn't going to work on himself either. He has been working on himself. He has been going to meetings and he has been talking to his sponsor and now we are both working on starting RCA meetings that focus on CoSA and Sex addict couples. I'm finally reading "Mending A Shattered Heart" and it is very good amazing and close to home. However, the best book I've ready so far is "A House Interrupted" by Maurita Corcoran. She went through it like all of us, and it was a tough and vicious journey, but she go through it, and so did her husband, and now they speak about their experience to help other couples in the same situation.

I'm just tired of feeling miserable. I know that I will feel the pain for a very long time, but as CoSA teaches me: I don't have to stay in it if I don't want to. These emotions have to be felt and endured. That's what I'm doing, but I also want move on from the pain and resentment even if it will take a long time. I want to heal. Because if it doesn't work out, I need to make sure that I don't bring this pain and resent to someone else...although honestly, if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to get married or be in a committed relationship. I'm going work as a counselor and professor of counseling, and on my vacations I'm going to have a good time and if it means I need to go out and get some (as long as the guy or girl ain't married) I will!


My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...
-----------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H started with a CSAT 2 months ago. He has been slowly disclosing the extent of his acting out but after his last disclosure 6 weeks ago,that his acting out has been since we were engaged, 35yrs ago,I lost it and told him to move out. He did immediately.
Now I am concentrating on ME. The anxiety around being in his presence is gone, I told him I no longer want to hear about his healing but wish him success. A weight has been lifted,no more getting dragged under by this shit. I am focusing on my IC and healing from this trauma.
He seems committed and sincere but I am saving myself and have very limited contact with him now.
I got this strength from reading these SI posts for the past year.
No idea if he will do what he needs to do, or if we will ever R but now I will have my sanity
back and not put myself in harms way anymore.
Hugs to all of us.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
OnlyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41991
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((kayaker)))
It looks like you're doing the best thing you can. I'm still getting trickle truth, it's the worst, most drawn out pain imaginable. I finally had to tell him to just shut up and write it down. If and when I want it I'll ask for it. You've got a great attitude. I hope it'll rub off on me


me BW 55
him SAWH 39
19 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple D days Sep 2011 - Jan 2014
EA's, PA, Craigslist, Backpages, strip clubs, lap dances, camgirls, "massages", prostitutes
Separated, heading towards divorce

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2014
kayaker55
♀ Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Only
Not so much a great attitude, just reached a point where the anxiety of new admissions became too much to handle. The pain of what you describe you are feeling now. It came clear to me that it was time for self preservation, I was too consumed by his stuff,trying to make sense out of this mess and trying to preserve my self esteem. I was sinking. So I bailed. For me. For as long as I need. He must do his work on his own.
I had never heard of SA before SI. The veterans here know their stuff. It continues to amaze me how alike our anguishes are as we all go through this.
As I said, I have no idea what the future is for SAH and I but I am working on myself now to be the strongest I can be no matter what happens.
Sending strength your way buddy.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cosa)) I feel the same way. If this marriage ends I won't ever want another relationship again. If I could't trust this man, I know I won't ever choose to give my heart and soul again. This experience has destroyed my belief in faithful men. I am sure they are out there somewhere, but If I could have picked one man on the planet that I thought would never do something so horrendous to me, it is my husband. So obviously my intuition and radar is way off. I am not done with him yet, but I am done with men if this bottoms out. I will have to get the House Interrupted book.

((outtanowhere)) I think what you wrote about SA's being takers is true 99% of the time but my husband is a giver - flowers, cards, love notes, plans surprise concert tickets, always doing nice things for me, etc. That's my confusion. It's like a split personality. So mine is a giver but he definitely gets the Best Actor award.

Just got back from my STD testing. That was fun.

[This message edited by QuietNoMore at 5:29 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quiet - Mine was the same way. Flowers every week. Helped around the house. Never let me do dishes. Did everything with the kids. Very kind to me. Helped me so much after my spinal surgery. Took time off work when needed to take me to doctor's appointments. Never agitated or in a bad mood or ever short tempered with me. Never used his phone around me, never went on the computer. Good actor award for sure.

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As always, there are exceptions to every rule. I should have been more specific regarding the takers. My H also did some "nice" things for me but, they were few and far between and, knowing what I know now was probably to ease his feelings of guilt. He gave but, only when it felt right to him not when or because it was the right thing to do.

For me, H just was happy when I was in control which, was always. He was always a workaholic (go figure) so I was in charge of literally everything else. The house, laundry, kids on top of my job. I found a way to make things work in his absence since he would never take any responsibility for anything other than work related. He would randomly try to step in and be "The Man" but, it usually just turned out to be a major disruption in the routine that everyone was accustomed to so, it usually was catastrophic.

I was the primary caretaker and disciplinarian for the kids. They didn't respect him and I was constantly trying to reel them in especially when they hit the teenage years. I know now that having so many work obligations was his way out of his head of the household duties. And, I let him do it. I thought I was helping to alleviate some of the stressors in his life by managing everything that I could possibly handle and, he let me. Major source of resentment there needless to say.

The taker in him drained me physically and emotionally. When our daughter died at age 6 he just bailed on me. It was just too much for him to grieve with me so, it hurt but, I tried to be *understanding* and didn't ask anything of him. Any time the task was to great for him he just passed it off for me to handle all by myself. That's what I mean by the taker.

I working to try to understand why I accepted that. I wasn't allowed to decline the task even when I thought it was going to kill me and, I just somehow accepted that as a fact of life. I have no choice now but to let him carry his own weight because, I am too broken and weary to even try and, I'm learning that is not such a bad thing. Accountability is a beautiful thing.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 736 | Registered: Apr 2013
QuietNoMore
♀ New Member
Member # 43410
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((outtanowhere)))))


BW: 49
SA-WH: 45
Married 4 years.
DDay: May 4, 2014

Sometimes life throws shit instead of flowers.


Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not posted to this area before, but I need some thoughts to help me see this clearly. My SAWH just attended his 4th SA mtg and is trying for the fiirst time tonight a new night. He just texted that a woman was present. He is not comfortable and I definitely do not like it!
This addiction is not like others that can be in mixed company in my opinion and this is really bothering me. I do not want him to have an excuse not to attend, but I also don't need temptation in his face.
Ideas?


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

outtanowhere - This makes me want to cry. So awful that you have to go through all of that on top of loosing a child. My heart aches for you. That in itself would be enough to do me in. I'm glad you are now making him carry his own weight. You are right about accountability. I think that is a very common trait in these men of ours. They are not accountable until the final day. They push it until there is nothing left inside of us.

I hope you find some peace. That's my hope for all us that are here. It's so painful and heart wrenching to know that what we give so much and got so little in return. In your case and many others, you gave a lot more than I could ever imagine. I feel your pain right now girl.


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
whatgives
♀ Member
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix - This is an awesome section to graduate to from the "Just Found Out" section. I came in last week. This topic was brought up the other day. I will try to find the thread so you can read the comments plus people will probably post more. I, myself would not like that one bit. I know they say it comes down to location and what not but I think it would throw the dynamics of the group off and frankly I think it's inappropriate. He may have to look for a new meeting. Those are just my opinions.

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAFWH attends both SA and SAA meetings. The first has some female attendees but is VERY large. The second is all male. Sponsor/sponsee relationships are to be only with a member who would not be a partner of choice.

It isn't always easy to pick and chose meetings, although in my area there are many. Some are SLAA meetings, I'm not comfortable with their definition of sobriety. It's important to remember that to an addict, there is often as blurring of the gender lines, addicts seek sex with anyone.

Women are EVERYWHERE. Just because there is a female in his recovery group it isn't the kiss of death.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

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