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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What was I to him during affair?
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do we as BS ever get over that knowledge that we meant nothing? I don't know if I will ever be able to recover from that knowledge


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 170 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
1956
♀ Member
Member # 33045
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband said he never even thought about me or the kids. all he thought about was the OW and the conversations and times spent with her………….
at first he said he didn't love me and then he said he did so I don't know what to believe, I see it like this he could not have respected me or our marriage of 21 years and that his thinking and choices were certainly not acts of love in anyway shape or form………
Maybe you BS's have it all wrong it's not that you weren't anything or didn't mean anything he was just sick with addiction, think of a drug addict, they don't think about anything but the next fix.
same thing, the problem lies with the WS inside there is something wrong with the values and morals they have ………for them to throw themselves out for an affair is sort of pathetic when you think of it they sold themselves out for nothing ……..
they have to live with that the rest of their lives. they have to live with knowing they ended the marriage as you both knew it to be……we will never trust them again……and shouldn't they have proved they don't have our best interest at heart and they certainly have no loyalty or boundaries……..
stop making your WS story into something it is not, it's not about you being nothing it is about them being sick…

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2011
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An irritant. That is what I was I think. As were the kids.

We got in the way of this perfect love story of a delicate suffering damsel and the muscle-bound hero determined to fight her dragons. God forbid I ever mentioned that the dragons at home were getting troublesome! He had no time for such mundane domestic reptiles. He didn't really want to talk to me if he could help it but as I was coming out of a major depressive episode at the time I didn't always want to talk much either so win win really. A bit of emotional support would have been good though.

He even told me long stories about her dreadful life and her horrible husband and I listened, lord love me, and even offered advice I was good for that at least.

But you know the oddest part of it all? The oddest part was when I found out and assumed he would want a divorce, the fairy tale bubble went...poof!.... Just like that! Just. Like. That. He couldn't end it quick enough.

And he had always loved me by the way - 'love' obviously being a word not an action in this case.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The night my H's affair was confirmed, and he admitted to a 15 year duration, my heart hit the floor.

In those first few moments I thought that although he had a lasting relationship with someone else, circumstances forced them both to remain in their marriages. He probably stayed with us out of duty, love for his children, maybe even "not wanting to hurt me". It had to be that way. Why else would he have taken such a risk, for so long.

I think the first thing I said was "I guess you must really be in love with her"

He looked at me, kind of in shock, shook his head and said "NO!"

I was confused by that then and I am still confused.

In our many conversations since dday, he has said "I have always loved you". That confuses me even more.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please look in the Healing Library on compartmentalization.

The approach is to compartmentalize both parts of their lives so one does not intersect with the other.

It is a coping mechanism so they can deal with their double lives.

We struggle to understand because for many BS it is simply unfathomable to us. Logic is absent and it just doesn't make sense.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of men will probably not like this, but I think that most men involved in affairs don't leave their wives because they need a mommy to come home to, to do everything for them but wipe their butts. I also think that's why more divorces are initiated by women - women already KNOW they have what it takes to run a household and keep things in order with or without a man, but most men fear being alone and having to actually take care of themselves and be responsible for running their own household.

WOW! Your right, many men will probably not like what you wrote. Because much of it a huge generalization and quite insulting! I am shocked at the people indicating that they agree with you.

I am a man who can take care of my household, cook meals, take care of my kids all on my own. That's not why I decided not to divorce my WW as you suggest most men do.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2012
Doubts
♀ Member
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I don't believe that compartmentalizing is an excuse, unless you mean that the W S said FU and did what they wanted to do regardless of the consequences. Well now we both are dealing with the consequences.
This is not man vs woman, both the male and female W.S. don't care about anything but doing what they desire. They lie to keep their home intact until they have another home made or they are found out.
Sorry if this sounds angry today, but I have my grouchy pants on.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that some are looking for a new relationship and testing to see if it works before they leave the M.

One thing I can't get out of my head is when my fWH told me on dDay "well if I was in love with OW we'd be having a different conversation". So I told him that tells me he was looking to replace me but didn't like her so stayed with me. He says he meant that he didn't love her or want her at all is why he said that. I think that was just spin on his part.

I'm beginning to realize that I don't believe in true love anymore... i thought what we had was special and he tossed it all for a romp with his craigslist OW.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:59 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 530 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BrokenheartedWif
♀ New Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were nothing to them during their affair. They only have an infantile ability to love. It's all about their needs, wants, and desires. An infant is only satisfied and happy when all of it's needs, wants, desires are fulfilled. Just about anyone can do that. No capacity to reciprocate. And their infidelity accomplices are just the same type of overgrown infant.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Reunite. I so agree with you onthat. I read the post and thought to myself "wtf?!". And then to hear the responses.....yikes!

I know the position of a BS has us thinking and feeling things we never thought rational or even possible, but i would have thought a Mod would have offered a guiding hand to such a disparaging generalization. To be purposely coy...being a BH sucks enough. I don't need the man-hate.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Melian40
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was someone whom HE didn't deserve, HE wanted this and that which I couldn't give.
Now he 's someone I don't deserve and I want this and that which he can't give me.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 203 | Registered: Nov 2013
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is one of the most difficult and painful parts of understanding what happened--my husband definitely compartmentalised and it all started going wrong when the EA turned into a PA and then it began to spill over until he left 3-4 weeks of romantic texts on his phone without a passcode for me to find. Fun!

I will never be able to process that he just had her in "a box" and thought that he could keep her there. Compartmentalisation...delusion...call it what you will.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 142 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is one of the most difficult and painful parts of understanding what happened--my husband definitely compartmentalised and it all started going wrong when the EA turned into a PA and then it began to spill over until he left 3-4 weeks of romantic texts on his phone without a passcode for me to find. Fun!

I will never be able to process that he just had her in "a box" and thought that he could keep her there. Compartmentalisation...delusion...call it what you will.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 142 | Registered: May 2014
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too - I find it very hard to understand what "love" means to him when he still insists he was "in love" with OW but still "loved me" during the PA and that he suppressed his feelings for me. Makes me wonder if love has real meaning to him (how can having sex for a couple of stolen sordid hours every other week and never going out in public or living a real life give any foundation for "love" or anything real - call it what it is lust or escapist fantasy - if 8 months down the line he still thinks it was love I think I have a problem staying in him and in believing in us...

Posts: 244 | Registered: Sep 2013
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, the little man hating remark got to me too.

my daughter is 7. i tell her everyday that she can do anything a guy can do.
i point out that women tend to be more flexible whereas men tend to have more upper body strength (as examples) but that a woman can train and become much stronger than most men or a man could train and become much more flexible than most women.
she can attempt to do whatever she wants in life and can become the best she is able at whatever.

so why do i tell my daughter this and then come on the forum and read that evidently men need "a mommy to come home to, to do everything for them but wipe their butts."
this is so sexist its ridiculous. if someone told you that you need to wait for a man to come home and do something for you because you are this weak, uncapable woman ... how would YOU feel?


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I don't believe that compartmentalizing is an excuse

Compartmentalizing is not an excuse, it explains how many of the WS were able to run their normal lives and their A side-by-side, seemingly effortlessly. It in no way aims to excuse their behaviour.

The way I see it there are 2 areas regarding my husbands infidelity. The WHY and the HOW. WHY he did it involves his selfishness, sense of entitlement, arrogance and his addiction to the image of himself that he saw in OW's eyes (among other things). The HOW involves compartmentalisation, bad boundaries etc etc. NONE of this excuses what he did, what he did is inexcusable and both he and I are well aware of that.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 945 | Registered: Oct 2012
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsaclimb said it perfectly ...
Compartmentaizaion is an explanation NOT an excuse...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was an annoyance who kept house, hosted his family and friends and was regarded with contempt.

I was erased from his life except as a target to justify his rages so he could stomp out to "date".

I remember being in bed together after Dday and he looked at me, truly looked at me, and commented about how he never noticed my eyebrows before and he complimented them. I was dumbfounded at how truly invisible I had been for years.


Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh struggling you used the word invisible ...I told my H that a year ago...I was invisible....it hurts a bit just thinking about it...I was getting used to the 'indifference '
The invisible feeling was my WTF moment...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Doubts
♀ Member
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you are stating that someone saying "I was able to carry on an affair because "I was compartmentalzing our life together separate from my affair" is not offering up some lame excuse of how they were able to justify their bad behavior. "I was married to you and just forgot when I was texting from early morning to late at night and when I was with her, and oh! when I would walk out of the room to accept her call in private.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
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