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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What was I to him during affair?
Beautifulmom
♀ Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seenow, I am in the same boat. He is changing. But no matter what, he was that person. You dont want to leave the person that he is...but you cant get over that he was the person that he was. Round and round. I wish I could make myself love again, and that i could leave that person that he was for three years. It will always come back to this question. How could you do that to me/us? How do you take part in such a toxic action and not realize all you stand to lose? And no one has a good answer. I will never understand .


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Beautifulmom
♀ Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a side note, about the male v female...my husband was essentially playing the traditional female role in our house half of the affair. He stayed home with the kids (and played house with OW) while i worked. Of course, this was his choice for obvious reasons. How could he not see he was completely screwing himself??? Had i left him he would have had no job and no kids. He let her talk him into ruining his military career and moving cross country to be "besties" with her.
Anyway, my point is... Men these days can do anything, it is not only accepted but expected. Diapers to dinner.
I will say, as a woman I notice I am much more aware of how my choices affect everything around me, now and in the future. My husband makes decisions based solely on "I want it now". Not saying all men and woman are like that.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeautifulMom - I feel exactly the same way. I will never understand the why and the more I try to the more upset it seems to make me.

I am truly unsure just how to move past this, but I do know I want to, just have to work out how!


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 214 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
PollyA
♀ Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a weird position of h hooking up from gay sites. one thing I know us that I'm the person he loves, has loved, and wants to love.

But... sex? that infidelity!

What kind of person shares his penis, albeit casually, with 100 other people?

[This message edited by PollyA at 11:34 PM, May 26th (Monday)]


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you are stating that someone saying "I was able to carry on an affair because "I was compartmentalzing our life together separate from my affair" is not offering up some lame excuse of how they were able to justify their bad behavior.

Offering compartmentalising as an excuse for an affair is as logical as offering the get-away car as an excuse for an armed robbery.

The get-away car did not cause the armed robbery, it was used as a means to commit the armed robbery. In the same way, compartmentalising did not cause the affair, it was used as a means to commit adultery.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1023 | Registered: Oct 2012
Katz13
♀ Member
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsaclimb, I love your get away car analogy. The only way I can get past the whys, is to generalize (right or wrong) and to believe that to get involved in an affair is a sign of intentional mental illness. You cannot ever understand this mental illness if you are sane. It is not excusable because it is intentional. I just believe it is impossible to understand. My H gives me the Fantasyland line too. Again, mental illness. Honestly, the last time I engaged in a fantasy world, I was 14 and thought I could marry a member of Duran Duran. I told my H that what I could understand was falling out of love with your spouse and getting out of Dodge. Not a nice thing to do but can be understood. Having an A and telling your spouse you love them throughout is beyond sane thought IMO.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 46
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