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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can a BS be 'recovered' and still trigger?
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sisoon!

Sorry to be so late to the party, I saw this but couldn't answer over the weekend on my phone...

The last time I triggered was at 5 years 3 months (it was such a big deal at the time, I completely remember it)

I had such a hard time because I thought I was done with triggers...but this one turned me upside down. I think because I was so sure I was done with them I was afraid to bring it up to my husband, so I suffered the entire weekend until he figured it out, lesson learned...

So with that being said, I haven't triggered since. We will be 7 years out this summer and I consider us R'd. I don't think about or need to talk about the A, I have put the OW and our friendship in the past. There are no longer any issues that bother or hurt me.

Will I trigger in the future? I can't say.

I can say now, where there would have been a trigger I hardly feel a whisper as I walk through it. No reaction needed, no symptoms in my body.

I cannot remove all memories of the past, so I assume I will occasionally get a whisper here and there, but not even close to the triggers we experienced through-out R.

You are so in tune with yourself and your feelings, I bet yours become even less of a whisper...kwim?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3765 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I wonder - can you be recovered and still trigger?

Yes. I went through this over the weekend. My wife graduated from nursing school and her sister flew in for the pinning ceremony. This is the one inlaw I like.

I wanted some something, hard to say what, from her during the visit. Mostly just an acknowlegment that WW's siblings should have taken and active role in pulling WW's head out of her butt when she left me. That they shouldn't have judged me (I saw the e-mails) when the only "facts" they were in possession of came from broken and deluded WW.

I spent about 30 minutes in a conversation with her sister hoping for something and not getting whatever it is I wanted. It sucked.

So, happier than I've ever been in my marriage and still dealing with unresolved issues. We can be recovered and still have some residual pains.

hang in there


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!
This is a trauma, one you never fully move past. What I hope is that I gain skills so I can handle my triggers better. Articulate them, feel them fully and move on. I can get this process down to a 10 minute window at times now and they are much more infrequent. But these are part of our scars, ramifications of our path. They serve to cue me to who she was and refocus me on NOW! It is in that place I feel the power of our R. How far we have traveled hand in hand again. Are we at a finish line, nope. But we are walking together triggers and all.

This week was antiversary of D day. My W was much more effected by it than I. But she spoke her feeling's and I held her, and felt better. It was an opportunity to move toward one another, and each time that happens we take another giant step.
So my triggers serve to strengthen our relationship now. Bring them on! Because we have the skills to move toward one another now. And that is a special place, one that allows us to grow together.
LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:11 AM, May 19th (Monday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my triggers serve to strengthen our relationship now.

Wow. I think that's a key indicator of recovery. The last few times I've had a big trigger I've talked with my W about the trigger with a goal of getting closer.

That's very different from my response to some triggers 9 months ago or so, when my last awful trigger made me freeze in pain, get angry at my W, and wonder if R was the right choice (for a moment only)....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9738 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sisoon,
I follow your situation since you're a BS (husband). I am one too. It's been 2yrs since DDAY in June. I hate triggering and have done a great job getting this far, but just last week I triggered hard. I'm kinda scared of triggering more. It's sets me back so bad. I sometimes keep it from her so it won't hurt our relationship or make her hurt more, but it is obvious. So I understand your dilema.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last D-day was 6 years ago. I am divorced and in a new relationship and I STILL trigger.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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