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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: saying your sorry and triggers
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about this all day and still can't really come up with the right words, so I hope you can at least get the jist of my question.

Everyday I tell my BH how sorry I am for the choices I made with words and my actions. I know I can't prevent triggers, but I wonder with me saying it everyday if it brings it all up for him again.

I will never stop saying and showing how sorry and remorseful I am. Yesterday while we where in the mall we walked by a place I thought that would trigger my BH and I panicked on the inside . We had the kids and I didnt want to say anything at moment, should I of? He didnt seem phased by even going by there and I don't even know if he noticed. He was still acting like his loving and happy self.

BS, does your WS saying they're sorry everyday remind you of thier choice to betray you? If so would you rather see it in thier actions and then say it out the blue so you know that they are still sorry?


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worried about this at one point too. The saying it part. I once told BH that I think about how sorry I am a lot more then I actually say it because I worry it will upset him or make him sad to think about. He said he'd rather hear me say it. So I try to say it now whenever I'm thinking it. I think the answer is to say how you feel. But to be sure, I think you should also talk to your H as well. The answer is always to just be open with your BS!

(Sorry to be short, I'm on my phone)


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here. I don't need to hear it every day any more. I do need to hear it when I'm triggering, after I've triggered, or when HE needs to say it. When I'm triggering, feeling down, or an anti-versary date comes up, I need to hear him say that he's sorry for his actions that cause my pain. That's he utterly committed to me. That he's working hard every day to make sure that he gets to the bottom of why he chose to commit actions that he knew were wrong. Things like that. Sometimes it does bring back memories. But you know something, something always will, so his reaching out to me, is incredibly helpful.

He's gotten very, very sensitive to my change of face of affect, when something is bothering me or is a potential trigger. Those are the times that he moves in close to me, holds me or my hand, and asks me if I'm OK or if I'm doing alright. Study your WH. Get to know the signs of him withdrawing, triggering, or having flashbacks, and make your moves. Sometimes my FWH will be, as you are, concerned that a certain place or "thing" might be triggery and he'll give me a bit of a warning, or say something to the effect of are you OK going to X? That's a good (for me) technique too.

While actions always speak louder than words, IMO, sometimes the words need to be spoken. And to me, when those words are spoken, the manner, the elaboration, the specificity, mean more to me than a simple "I'm sorry."


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BreatheAgain10
♀ Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan wrote everything- WORD FOR WORD- that I feel about this topic. Literally... Word. For. Word.
Have you asked your BS what works for him? He may have different needs than I did/do. Especially since I'm 4 yrs from our last DDay. Maybe talking gently to your BS about how much you want to meet his needs and want to be sure you're doing what he needs correctly would be helpful. I know it would make me feel good to know how much my fWH wants to be just what I need to move forward thru our R. Good luck remorsefulww


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to your BH about it. What helps one BS might not help another BS.

Put the kids to bed, turn the TV off and sit down to discuss how he would like you to support him when he triggers. Ask specifically about apologies, tell him what you feel like saying, ask if that would be of comfort to him.

In the moment of a trigger, my BH doesn't like apologies. They don't help at that moment in time. So I usually wait until later on, when we've got a moment without the kids or other people around.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Happy  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the advice.

I am going to talk to him tonight about it, but before I did I wanted to sort out my thoughts first so I didn't go to him with jumbled words. I did journal it, but I still wasnt able to sort it out right. One of my biggest problems is communication and getting my thoughts out properly. Just writing it out here and from the responses I can now do that, thank you


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to hear the "I am sorries...". I do not care for the blanket I am sorry for everything that is wrong in the world. I would like something more specific. I do not get enough "I am sorry that I...".

I would also like some recognition that some thing might be a trigger. Like you mentioned a place in the mall. I may not have actually triggered but it is so meaningful to me that it was recognized that I might. It means my WW was thinking of me and any negative situations. I have triggered and my WW has not seemed to notice and it bothers me. Especially if it comes out later that she wondered about it but didn't want to draw it to my attention in case I hadn't noticed. I hope you can follow my line of reasoning. I am not sure I am expressing it well.

I would like to see the sensitivity that Skan is writing about. It means to me that she cares, she understands, she has empathy, she is sorry. I don't see enough of that either. Just her acknowledgement would seems to be so helpful. Sometimes just a touch to say I see what is happening.

It happened today. I was riding the rollercoaster fairly early this morning and was at the bottom. She came up beside me and put her arm around me. That gave me momentum to get to the top again. Sometimes I stay at the bottom a lonmg time.

I think one reason my WW has trouble recognizing triggers is that she has so few (if any) of her own. Her shit is buried so deep and bricked and mortered that she doesn't recognize anything. She is working on it but has so far to go.

Too long for a response. Sorry. I need the sorries, the recognition of triggers (intuitive) and even the recognition of possible triggers that do not happen. It indicates to me that my WW cares for me and is cognisant of those things that could distress me. I wish it were more consistent. Oh, and the sorries have to be sincere and heart felt. Perfunctory does not cut it.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You Dday is still fresh, I cannot imagine that your BS is still not thinking about your A during most of his day. I am a BS and 8 months out, it is on my mind most of the time. Hearing an apology that is specific and out of the blue helps me to know that he is aware of how much this has hurt and changed my life.
I vote that you continue speaking what you are feeling.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH appreciates when I anticipate a trigger and talk to him or warn him about it. Sometimes we decide to change our plans but he likes that I'm trying to look out for his well being.

He also appreciates sincere, detailed apologies. I too wondered about apologizing too much so I asked him.

Bottom line is talk to him about it. I'm betting he will appreciate that you care about him enough to worry if your apologies are too much or distressful for him.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No - it means it is another day that she still loves me and cares about me.

Taking my hand has proved very helpful through the years in situations where I might trigger. I am sure it has prevented triggers.

I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.
I have to respectfully disagree here. I think it's a very strong man who can admit his needs and accept help when it's offered.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with knightsbff.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
Taking my hand has proved very helpful through the years in situations where I might trigger. I am sure it has prevented triggers.

I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.

At two years out, the hand means more than the words.

Whimpy needy guy? I've never felt more strength than when I'm able to show my emotions. Feel sorry for those who can't. What a lonely place that was.T/J

When I was where you are now, when I would trigger, the words never felt like they were enough unless they were specifically directed at my trigger. Now, I hope she is able to anticipate my trigger. A simple squeeze suffices.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3022 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me angry to hear my husband say he's sorry. I know he's sorry but it's like he thinks saying it makes it all better. It doesn't. I would much rather him ask me what I'm feeling or just hug me. Even if he just acknowledged it by saying "I can see that you're really hurting right now. Is there anything I can do to help".

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jul 2013
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I do say I'm sorry it is very specific and to my BH thats what he needs, I do hold him, give him a kiss, and ask what he needs. A simple sorry just doesnt cut it.

we talked lastnight and I think it went good because he was able to sort out something that he hasnt before. He said something out loud that he never has. He became upset and said that we will finish talking today and that he appreciated what I was trying to do and that meant a lot.

when I asked him about his triggers and what they are he said nothing really triggers him except something will pop into his mind, but its not everyday. He also said that there is nothing I can do for him when he triggers. I will still try to comfort and and reassure him in any way I can.

I did say to him that as I see it we are starting from ground zero from over 4 years ago and not 5 months ago because we rug sweept it then and didn't do it right the first time. I feel disgusted even more with myself just writing that out.
He agreed with me and just said that theres a lot of work to do. I gave him a hug, kiss, said that that I loved him, and was sorry for the choice that I made to let ap back into our lives and then let him be alone for as long as he needed.

If we talk more and I hope we do I will update.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Your BH never really healed from your first A, and then having to process not only a second A, but one with the very same AP that you had before, the very same person that caused him such pain previously, is a deep and flowing wound"

skan, you had said this to me in my first post and this is the one thing that BH has said and said again lastnight. He sees him as a dark cloud over us and he doesn't know if that cloud will ever go away. He sees him as competition and that there must be a connection that we had for me to be willing and ready to throw everything away for him. He thinks that I havent closed every window and door to him. And no matter what I say he wont believe me. I understand that and all I can do is try and prove to him that those doors and windows are not only closed, but destroyed.

[This message edited by remorsefulww at 9:41 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking that I would be a "wimpy, needy guy" was one of the factors that prevented me from getting help when I needed it. I try to never let that come into my mind.

My BW is in the same spot as Skan.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 17

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