Sorry that you have found yourself here. We are the best club in the world that no one ever wants to willingly join.
First, Take care of yourself.
Second, save everything you have. Back it up and/or make copies. If you ever go down the D route, theis proof with be extremely beneficial.
Third, Don't believe anything that he says. If he is being truthful (or wants to change), he will show you through actions. You know something was there. That's all that matters,
Fourth, Take care of yourself.
Fifth, come here as much as you need to.
We're here for you.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for
You may have to get really tough with him for him to really tell you the truth. Also, IC and MC would be a very good idea. Lots of books out there that can help you both. Hugs and sorry you are going through all of this pain, but many of us have and have managed to make it.
clueless, welcome to the best forum that nobody ever wanted to join. There are lots of us here who have been where you are now.
The first thing I want you to know is that no matter what, you will be okay.
Please try to eat small amounts and drink plenty of water; you need to look after yourself in the coming months.
Read the healing library in the yellow box in the top left hand corner, there's a wealth of help and information in there.
It's very early days for you, and if you read posts from some of the more experienced here, you'll see that what your husband is telling you has come from what we call the "Wayward Handbook". Telling you that he felt invisible in his own home, you weren't paying enough attention, etc. Most of us heard this stuff in the beginning.
But honey, the truth is, HE is responsible for what he did, not you. His affair is not even 1% your fault. Yes, you had an obligation to own 50% of your marriage, and to fix any problems that existed. He was obliged to tell you how he was feeling, and give you the opportunity to work with him to the satisfaction of you both.
Instead, he chose, yes CHOSE, to talk to somebody who had no business knowing anything about you, or your marriage. He chose to communicate with somebody other than you. The time he spent talking to her was time that he could have spent talking to you, his WIFE. Please do not accept responsibility for his choices.
Your marriage can be saved, but only if both of you are in for the long haul, and are prepared to work. And it's hard work. It takes time (a word that many of us dislike).
Individual counselling for both of you will help. He can figure out his issues, and what led him to this behaviour, and you can let out all of the emotions, thoughts, and crazy-making stuff that enters your head. Marriage counselling will also help a bit later on; you can work on communication and conflict resolution, and how to deal with issues that come up in most marriages from time to time. Keep posting here, get it all out, it really helps, we understand, and you will come to realise that what is happening to you has happened to us, in one way or another. You're not alone in this.
You will receive lots of advice here; some will work for you, some won't. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Sending strength honey, we've got your back
None of this is your fault, so don't even think that. Trust your gut, it will be your best friend and so will this site.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
There were a couple if things that jumped out at me, things that happened to me...
He suddenly became very attached to his phone and laptop. Sometimes ignoring the fact that I was sitting right next to him.
Huge warning sign... You were so right to trust your gut.
We talked that evening when he came home from work and he told me he was not solely to blame for this. He felt invisible in his own home.
This is not your fault. If your marriage wasnt quite right, then yes, you play 50% role in that. But NEVER is a betrayed spouse to blame for another adult choosing to go outside of their marriage. Him trying to blame shift is him trying to cover his guilt because he a KNOWS it is wrong.
But something told me that there was much more to this so I did some more digging around. well, I found a separate e-mail account
Be prepared for other things to be hidden too. She has his work number and there are plenty of apps that let people talk without leaving records -that sucks.
He has been caught lying, and liars often keep on lying. Watch his actions, more than you listen to his words. His actions and behaviour will tell you if he is truly committed to making your marriage work.
[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 7:55 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]
DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014
Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little
OMG what a complete crock of bullshit. Talking dirty to some lonely, pitiful woman out in California and her claim that that she wants to 'suck his c*ck' is supposed to help get you back...how??
This guy can't even lie well.
...in the emails I saw there were plans for her to come to NJ in January. he insists that it never happened. though there were plans made they never came to fruition. And the reason being that he and I made a breakthrough in our relationship which gave him hope and lifted his spirits into getting back to us.
Tell him to own his SHIT, clueless1. All he's done is LIE and paint himself this poor, hapless, deprived victim that only wanted his wife and was driven to some vamp in California.
Jeez, tell him to at least be a little creative in his lying.
Don't be too quick to forgive this storyteller. For every rat you DO see, there are 50 you DON'T.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:02 AM, May 19th (Monday)]
He denied it saying it was just friendly banter and that the woman was a lesbian and that she liked me more than him.
We talked that evening when he came home from work and he told me he was not solely to blame for this. He felt invisible in his own home. I wasn't paying enough attention to him and that he'd felt this way for years. He said he'd tried letting me know by telling me all he wanted was to be loved.
As the other posters said, his cheating is NOT your fault...not one iota!
Read the 180 (in the Healing Library upper left-hand corner of the screen) - implement it (for YOU...not to "win" him back), get tested for STDs (cheaters lie, you cannot count on the fact that it was not physical), and talk to an attorney. This does not mean you have to D, but you need to know your rights.
And get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - both of you should read it.
Gently - now that he has been caught, there are ways for an A to to underground (secret FB, e-mail account, pre-paid cell) - stay in PI mode.
He claims that once he and I had a breakthrough in our communication those explicit emails stopped. they only spoke on the phone as friends, advise on work, home etc. he is willing to do anything to save our M.
[This message edited by Lalagirl at 8:32 AM, May 19th (Monday)]
he told me he was not solely to blame for this. He felt invisible in his own home. I wasn't paying enough attention to him and that he'd felt this way for years
YES, he is. YES, he is. His choice to reach beyond his marriage and his choice alone. You own zero responsibility for the online affair with the OW. ZERO. He could have spoken with you directly about his feelings, asked for counseling, something. Yet, he chose the easy way out to find validation elsewhere. HIS choice. He is shifting the blame to justify his behavior and make you question yourself.
he'd told me that this was all role playing as he was trying to find his way back to me, back to the marriage we'd had
That is quite the detour to you through another woman. Sad excuse for his actions. Not buying for one minute. Simple calculus - the quickest way from point A to point B is a straight line. Not a detour through fantasy land.
this was all done so that he would find a way to communicate with me to get me back
Did you notice an increase in communication between you two when he was spending his time and energy on this OW? Something tells me you did not. A start could of been a dinner and a movie with him conveying his feelings and wanting to work on building a better marriage.
is he believable? do we have a chance?
Believable? No. He is not. He is projecting (look this up in the Healing Library) and blame shifting (look this up as well). Sorry doesn't quite cover his actions. He has broken trust and is not to be believed at this time.
Do you have a chance? Yes. I truly believe two people can make anything work but they both have to want it and they both have to be rowing in the same direction.
Your WH's behavior (actions) will convey when and if you can start to trust him again. Actions speak louder than words. He needs to own his behavior (and not blame you in ANYWAY) and do whatever it is YOU need to start to feel safe again. If he wants forgiveness he has to earn it and not bully you into giving it.
Stay strong, be honest and know that YOU matter. You have done nothing wrong. Regardless of the challenges in your marriage, there is never an excuse to cheat. EVER. Don't let him put this on you.
We are here for you. Keep posting and take one day at a time.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:41 PM, May 19th (Monday)]
I'm so sorry for your pain.
is he believable?
Absolutely not!! He is not being honest with you. The fact that neither of them is able to prove that they did not meet is very concerning to me. It might be worthwhile to seek a forensic analysis of his computer and/or phone. That likely would yield a trasure trove of information. And if he objects, then your answer is that those with nothing to hide will hide nothing.
And if he had recently scaled back the communication to decent talk, why was he being so secretive with his phone and emails? It does not add up, I'm so sorry.
My H agreed to MC immediately upon D-day, which in retrospect turned out to be a bad idea. He was lying to the therapist, as he was still in contact with the slob. It was a waste of time and money, not to mention it brought about more pain for me. I would cancel all appointments until you are satisfied that you have the whole story and he has gone no contact.
I would also read up on the 180 and put it to practice like yesterday.
Very good idea about the burial...it is really true. I would have to say most of us here would never have believed our spouses would betray us in such a horrific way, and they are not who we thought they were.
Hugs, my dear. Take good care of yourself and your precious child.
I hope it shines light on his bs projections and excuses.
Good luck. (((hugs)))
You are allowed to express whatever it is you are feeling. Keeping all of your emotions bottled up is not at all healthy; it's like drinking poison and expecting somebody else to die, if you know what I mean. It only increases your hurt, and you're already hurting enough.
Your WH needs to hear what this has done to you, so you are absolutely doing the right thing.
I'm so glad that your WH has recognised that his A was in no way your fault, that's a good start. Acknowledging that he had other avenues and chose the wrong one is also good, but he has to figure out WHY he chose the path he did. He needs to understand himself enough to know what triggered this behaviour; what made him tell himself that what he was doing was okay, and that he wasn't harming your marriage. He needs to totally "get it" so that he remains on the path of never allowing anything like this to happen again.
Keep going clueless, you've got this.