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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Breaking point
isitme24
♂ New Member
Member # 43463
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have lurked on SI for the past month but am finally posting because I don't know if I've lost my mind. My WGF is 6 1/2 months pregnant and yes had a PA for at least the first 3 months of that pregnancy. DDay was Feb 17th. I don't believe there has been any contact since. Endless TT and I know it isn't all out at this point. My profile provides a more detailed background of what has transpired. The AP is her ex boyfriend. The ex that she had to put an order of protection out on because of stalking and threats. Yes, she broke that order and slept with him numerous times. He is violent and abusive. Porn addicted(to the point that she caught him looking at it in front of 8 year old daughter). This was one the reasons she broke off their relationship originally. My WGF has self-esteem issues, seeks validation externally, fear of intimate relationships, victim of abuse as child, broken family etc., etc. All the classic signs. Since DDay we have worked to repair the relationship. My main motivation is the baby girl on the way but I still love her despite everything that has happened. The latest revelation that has me tied up is that she was dating and sleeping with the ex still early in our relationship. She involved her children(8 year old twins and an 11 year old) in these dates and forced them to help her cover up the truth. I have finally reached my breaking point and drew a line in the sand. I wrote out a list of demands for her. Most were boiler plate things, access to digital communications, no contact, IC weekly, cut off unhealthy relationships. She conceded all those. The last demand is the sticking point. For me to continue R she must legally cede custody of the baby. I truly want R but I am fully aware of what she has done and what she is capable of in the future. She has no boundaries in her life at this point and could place the child in serious danger at any time. She did not deny the request but I fully expect her to come to that conclusion. I told if she did not concede that I would cease R and begin legal proceedings to try and obtain custody after the child is born.

The question is...Have I completely gone over the edge or is my demand valid? I know my methods are questionable but couldn't find a better way.

Sorry about the impossibly long post but my mind is whirling and my head is exploding.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Just judging on what you posted, if I were you I would get on the express train to anywhere far away from her! I understand that she is expecting your child, which complicates things. As soon as that baby is born, insist on a paternity test, ASAP.

If the child is yours, you can file for custody but I wouldn't invest anymore time with this woman. Again, I'm only going with what you wrote in your post. IMO, you are in for heartache and pain if you stay with her.

So sorry.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
isitme24
♂ New Member
Member # 43463
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Prenatal paternity test already completed. The baby is mine. I will need another after she is born for legal reasons. Prenatal are not admissible in court. The problem is there are very few rights afforded a father regardless of how much evidence is presented. She is very broken inside from years of abuse as a child. She is unable to look at anything clearly. I love her but I need to know the child is safe first and foremost. No good options here. Looking for the best path.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
isitme24
♂ New Member
Member # 43463
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could really use the insight of others. I've been desperately trying to come to grips with everything that has happened and honestly don't trust my decision thinking anymore.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has no boundaries in her life at this point

Your thinking is solid and on-track.

My WGF has self-esteem issues, seeks validation externally, fear of intimate relationships, victim of abuse as child, broken family etc., etc.

So what ? There are countless people who have all of these difficulties, and more, in their lives, yet they GROW UP and BECOME ADULTS and SHOULDER ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES.... and HAVE boundaries in their lives.

They choose to be vicTORS, not vicTIMS.

Get loose from her, and get your baby with you.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 11:14 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 391 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, isitme

I agree with SadInNC

If the child is yours, you can file for custody but I wouldn't invest anymore time with this woman. Again, I'm only going with what you wrote in your post. IMO, you are in for heartache and pain if you stay with her

My neighbors (in 60's now) had 5 kids. All in 30's-40s+ now. 3 boys and one girl are divorced. Of the 4 boys, 3 had xww's like you're describing, abused and bad home lives. All three boys' divorces had bad involved turbulent endings, really emotionally affected long term. They loved their xws's and hung in there too long.

Please take care of you so you can hopefully get custody of your child. But stay unentangled from wgf. We cannot save everyone from their past and you've already endured some of the worst effects.

IMO.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:23 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2011
isitme24
♂ New Member
Member # 43463
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tkeel and thinkingtoomuch

Thank you for your advice. My mind and heart are not in sync at this point. I don't know how to untangle with the child involved. She was already pregnant when I found out about the cheating. The emotional devastation has already been wrought. All cried out at this point. Now just hollow and dead inside. I guess I never realized how low a person could go to satisfy selfish needs. I know now and that depresses the hell out of me.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's broken, she has no boundaries, slept with a man she had to get a protection order on, involved innocent kids in covering up for her.

She's an adult acting like an irresponsible kid. As much as you want to "fix" her, she should have been doing that herself. Get custody and run. She's cheated all through your relationship, both parties have no qualms about doing this and will probably do it again since they probably have kids together, so there will always be contact.

Run, run for the hills!


Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013
JT4588
♀ Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RUN!! Run as far away from her as you can get. Get to an attorney, file legal proceedings to get custody of the child as soon as it's born. I think you can do that but you would need to check with an attorney.

You do NOT need this woman in your life. Unfortunately, unless she walks completely away from the child you are always going to be tied to her in terms of "parenting." BUT, you do NOT have to stay with a woman that clearly has the problems she has. You will live a life of misery if you stay with her. You might love her but you need to move on - without her!!

Hugs!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
littlemiss1
♀ Member
Member # 43465
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry for your pain and what you are going through.
you must be a kind and loving person to want to fix her.

she really needs to get some counselling and help for herself. once she has done that then maybe you can get somewhere.

it seems she has had a very tough time, but all the more reason to cherish what you both had.

im probably not best to give advice.im pregnant and just found my husbands had a stupid fling.

my heart is broken also. whatever happens i will be the best mum i can. im sure you too will love your child to the moon and back x


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it very repugnant that a woman, pregnant with a mans child, goes off and has an A with another man. Not that men who have affairs when their wives are pregnant are any better. But there is the biological factor with women and it is sickening to say the least. The bottom line here my man is that she is extremely broken. And you can use her past as an excuse all you want. Its not going to change the fact that she did this willingly. She made the conscious decision to go out and screw this dude while she was carrying your child inside her. The ultimate disrespect towards you was done by her without pressure, force, manipulation etc. Doing what she did only shows how damaged and deranged she really is. And while I understand you love her, love just ain't enough here pal. She needs to fix herself and you need to do the same. My suggestion would be to get away from her for the time being. Consult an attorney as to your parental rights. Don't discount your custody situation as she has created a dangerous environment for the child simply by allowing OM back into her life. I think your position is not too bad in this case.

Heal yourself first, take time to absorb and come to terms with this tragedy. Make a rational decision based on reality and fact. Keep in mind that there really is nothing you can do to change her. You cant love, nice, buy her to motivate for change. Right now all you can do is spare yourself further harm. You cant control other peoples actions. But you certainly have control over how you react to them. Don't allow this broken woman to drag you further down the sewer with her. You must make a firm stand right now. You need to outline what it is you require, set a time frame for it to be completed and watch her actions. Her words means nothing as she is a liar and cheat. Her actions will dictate her sincerity. In the meantime you continue building your life back as if she was no longer in it. You do this because its your only insurance should she just say fuck it and balk at your requests. And don't think she wont, because more WS take the cowards way out and bail. Don't think for one second your situation is unique, affairs are very typical in nature. And while it is odd that she was pregnant at the time, the circumstances are nothing more than the usual infidelity bullshit. Welcome Bro !!!! Please keep posting and reading. Things will get worse before they get better. But they will get better sooner or later. The sooner depends on who you proceed in the next few days, weeks and months. Hang in there pal.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:45 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5603 | Registered: Nov 2007
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger is right.

Protect yourself and your new baby.

Just the fact your lady would mess with her and use her children to lie to you shows how broken she is.

She does not love you.
She does love herself.
And she certainly does not love her children like a mom should.

Think about that and do not rush to any decisions......


Posts: 824 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might want to consider going for full custody. This woman already has way too many kids and it's obvious she sucks at parenting and isn't fit to raise a goldfish.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

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