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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Really need help and insight.
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Sad  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading alot of different stories on this website and decided to finally gain the courage to post. I've spoken to many friends and family as well as others about my infidelity and I believe speaking to people who don't know myself but have been through the same can help me, to understand and what I can do to resolve this. Even though I wasn't married I do want her back, but I also want to change myself as a person.

I'm a 24 year old male and my BGF 19. We had been together for about a Year and a Half. I guess i should start with what I had done first. At a family wedding, was when it first began that night was having an amazing time, BGF got drunk, we argued and i took her up to bed. I should have stayed with her that night and talked instead of going back downstairs. I got drunk and ended up chatting with one of the bridesmaids about art and among other things and continued drinking in her room with no intent, all i can remember is waking up in the bed feeling disgusted with myself and wracked with guilt, I went back to the room, I never said anything, I couldn't. I didn't want to believe what I had done.
I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to ruin something so perfect. And I pushed it to the back of my mind, as I couldn't believe this was me. I didn't want to think that I had done what my father had done to my mother. ( My father used to have numerous affairs on my mother and was violent towards her, I had seen this from a very young age as well as my sister.)

It happened another two times after that I'd be out with friends and drinking someone would show me affection and id latch on to it. Instead of latching on to what I had with my BGF. I know alcohol shouldn't be the reason I did, and I know that. I am not going to be blaming the reason on that. Even when I had told her I was drunk, I had stayed out with friends drunk myself into a stupid state and again someone showed me affection and I latched on, pushing myself deeper into a vicious circle. It was never a sexual reason why I did this because, it wasn't that I couldn't get it

Over the past weeks/month I have done nothing but constant thinking about myself, my past and all the whys I can think of.

During the relationship I realized I could be very cold and distant emotionally when ever we argued I would blow things out of proportion and hold grudges, I didn't know any better at the time. I guess it was more of a self defence to protect myself when in reality all i was doing was pushing myself further away from her and pushing her away. Showing her no affection or love. Even before the D-Day we were arguing a lot and i didn't want to have sex with her. It's not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't bring myself to it. So where she was trying to show me affection and love and being supportive, I couldn't realize it and would see it as her being pushy. I was having trouble work wise not finding work as i was unhappy in the job i was in, looking for work in schools, to work with autistic children which is what i am doing now. But during that time while looking for work she was trying to be supportive instead of talking to her i shut myself out trying to bottle things up instead of talking.

I'm trying to change myself as a person now, even though its what i should have done while i was with her. Im talking more about my past and what my dad had done, and realized that it has affected me more than i thought i had. A lot of the similarities. Instead of talking i bottled up, and would let little things get to me and argue and latched on to others for affection instead of trying to work out the issues.
I want to change, so I am now talking about my past to others, like my mother and my father about all of that. My sister that went through the same as me. Trying to let out my feelings instead of bottling things up.

I want her back, but i know i need to change who i am, but i have destroyed the trust she has had in me, and distorted what she ever thought of me, I know I am disgusting for what I have done. I do feel the guilt and shame of what I have done. I thought giving her space and time is what she would have wanted, we talked about this face to face, where i explained everything about what i had done and why. But giving her space might not have been for the best as she messaged me saying i never gave a s**t because i haven't shown anything for it. I hadn't called her or text or messaged as i thought that would only make things worse. I want to talk to her, i want to show her and prove that i do care. But I'm lost and confused on what to do, which is why I'm writing all of this now, I guess there is more to say but I don't know what else to say on here right now. After writing this I am going to message her about meeting up to talk to her again. As I'm guessing that's what she wants, is for me to talk to her, to show my feelings of guilt and shame, talk to her, fight for her back but also for her to let out all of the frustration to ask the questions she wants answers to. I want to prove to her that I am trying to change as a person and that I do love her and want her back, even though at the moment I don't deserve it.

Thank you all for reading this, and I welcome everything that comes with this post. I really want help from others who have had the same done to themselves as well people who have done this. I know what I have done is disgusting and deserve what ever is said to myself. But I know if I don't talk about it and ask for help I cant change as a person.


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting to your "why" is a very good start. Also, I would look into going into IC and if you want to change that is the first place i would start.I see you gave her a timeline and thats good too. When you talk to her let her talk, ask questions, answer honestly, no trickle truth, dont get defensive. Also, hop on over to the healing library to the left and read up a bit if you hadn't already. There is also books you can read such as "how can I forgive you, not just friends, after the affair".

She is very hurt with a lot of mixed raw emotions right now and is still trying to process everything. Be there for her, hold her, tell her you're sorry, but when you say that make it specific about the choices you made. Good luck.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we were never married. So I know this website is probably mainly for that. But I can't find anywhere else where for this type of situation I could talk about it. I will have a look at those books you have mentioned. I will i want to hold her, but she wont meet with me, and i understand that. I sent her a message
Katie yes I poured my heart out still haven't been able to tell you anything but at the end of the day the priority is making you feel better not myself. If you want me to start ringing you more and texting you more I will. I want to speak to you on the phone or talk face to face and open more talking to you as well as you talking to me, but all this time all I been doing is giving you space as I thought that was what you wanted and would have been best. I deeply apologize if that wasn't the case at all.
I feel guilt and shame over what I have done, all I've done is talk about you and said I want to speak to you ,all I can do is think about you, and I am trying to change myself. I've joined a forum where people who have been cheated on as well as cheaters can talk to get advice; and learn about what others would/have been feeling, but also to get some insight on myself. Iíve been reading a lot of stories on there. And will be making a post myself about what I had done. I want help and need help.

I want to change myself as a person, I never opened up with you, I would always bottle stuff up and become cold and shut myself away which was wrong. I realize now that there was a lot of stuff I did in our relationship before everything I did, that was wrong and I am going to change myself. Even if this only seems like words to you that I am typing at the moment, they will become actions.

Again I do want to talk to you and I want to do whatever I can to make you feel better. But I also know I need to change myself as a person there is a lot of things I need to let out and talk about and change

Do you want to meet up again and talk, talking over the phone and ringing isnít going to show anything, talking face to face will. I know I donít deserve it, but I am asking you for the chance to explain more but also to show you how sorry and shameful I feel. And I do care and love you

and her reply

No I don't want to meet up with you and I don't want you to ring and text me, what else could you possibly say, when I said you haven't bothered I mean when you told me you just left me to fucking rot I don't want you to contact me now there's nothing you can do

I understand when i had told her i ran away because i was scared and was a coward, I want to tell her that. do i say that. I know that when it happened i left her alone as i didnt want to cause anymore trouble and hurt. Which i should have just spoke to her.

i guess im a little lost at the moment i dont know what to do


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I understand when i had told her i ran away because i was scared and was a coward, I want to tell her that. do i say that. I know that when it happened i left her alone as i didnt want to cause anymore trouble and hurt. Which i should have just spoke to her."

Yes, you say everything, you put your everything out there and be vulnerable. By doing that it is an action that you can show her and is a step in changing.

This place is a place for every relationship married or not.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=1&HL=

I bumped a post for you its called " things that every ws spouse needs to know" I want you to read that.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your help so far, I have been reading that link you sent for days now, its all i look at. I will message her that, I just don't want to come across condescending. I guess it's almost a test in a way that she wants me to prove to her. I understand that and I want to overcome it and prove to her. I just don't want to cause her more hurt.

Thats always good to know, because i do want the help to change and be a better person


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Katie, i ran away and didn't do anything because i was scared and was a coward. I thought leaving you alone was best because i didn't want to cause you anymore trouble and hurt. I should have just spoken to you and I didn't. I went about everything wrong and i hurt you enormously. All I can think about is the pain I caused you. Your the one i truly want. I don't want to run away and make excuses. I know your hurting so much and it sickens me that I was the one to cause this. I want to talk to you more, even if it is just you letting out your anger and frustration on me. I'm sure there are still questions you want answered, and there are things I want to say to you and prove to you. Can you please give me that chance

That's the message I want to send to her after she had said about not meeting up. I don't want to come across as condescending to her, I want to prove to her that I am trying to change, that can't be proven through a message online or on a phone. She says she wants me to leave her alone and then she messages me, prompting me to speak.


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if i should send that message, as I don't want to make the situation worse


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well i had sent the message, i thought at least opening up myself more and admitting my mistakes might do good. If she wants me to leave her alone and not talk to her i will. I do want to speak to her its just confusing when she says there's nothing i can say or do and she dosn't want me to talk to her, but then she talks to me and wanting me to say something back


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is on a rollercoaster of emotions and will be there for a very long time. Right now in her mind there is nothing you can do right no matter what you do. Its frustrating, but you have to put that aside and be patient. Dont give up, but don't be pushy.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
DWelshe
♂ Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No i understand that comepletly, and the last thing i want to do is be pushy. She hadn't replied to the last message i sent her

Yes Katie, i ran away and didn't do anything because i was scared and was a coward. I thought leaving you alone was best because i didn't want to cause you anymore trouble and hurt. I should have just spoken to you and I didn't. I went about everything wrong and i hurt you enormously. All I can think about is the pain I caused you. Your the one i truly want. I don't want to run away and make excuses. I know your hurting so much and it sickens me that I was the one to cause this. I want to talk to you more, even if it is just you letting out your anger and frustration on me. I'm sure there are still questions you want answered, and there are things I want to say to you and prove to you. Can you please give me that chance

I want to talk to her, i wish i could show more, that i do care and love her. I considered sending her a link to this post, to show her i am trying to make a difference. But i thought i need help myself and this is best to keep private unless she asks to see it.

I am considering sending her a message tomorrow, just a simple i love you, and i am so deeply sorry i betrayed your trust. noy so much that im being pushy but just to let her know i am thinking about her


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
Topic Posts: 11

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