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User Topic: Serious Question..tmi
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then have sex with your partner...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That being said, if you were to ask whether using a BOB and using a sex toy designed to help a man reach orgasm (don't know a name to call it but I've heard of them) would be the same thing I think you'd find that most people would say there's no difference whatsoever.

If you were to compare porn to women needing to look at hot, naked, sweaty, muscular men using a hammer drill in order to have that BigO you'd be hearing from plenty of men who didn't like it one bit.

^^^^This!

The point is that any "tool" involving another person is cheating in my book. Toys are NOT people...porn has people. Real bodies, real faces. It is unacceptable for my H to O while viewing another person!!!!! If he wants to use a vibrating masturbator while going solo---fine. As long as he is not looking at someone else's body while doing it!!!

Male toy = female toy OK
Porn = female toy NOT OK


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such a hot topic..you could find argument on both sides of the coin. It all boils down to communication. Talk to each other, find out if something makes the other uncomfortable. I don't think there's,a black or white answer. Because my ws chooses porn over his wife, I call it cheating but when we were younger and viewed it together, no I don't think it was then.. Jmo


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4901 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly Ostrich! And it's really something couples need to have an honest SERIOUS conversation about in the beginning. And periodically over time.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, that is what BOB stands for. Thanks guys, I was wondering about that.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both had our own toys before. Now we have shared toys. I have used them solo, maybe twice since dday. And it really didn't do it for me... I'd much prefer my H. A dildo can't put it's arms around you and look into your eyes...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm good with both porn and toys, and using both solo. I don't consider either to be a threat to a good M provided neither spouse is dealing with SA. The only thing with either porn or toys that would piss me off is if H was only using porn or toys and never turning to me for pleasure.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunnyrain, that was my life for years. and why, solo masturbation and porn is a dealbreaker, now.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't matter whether or not any and all tools are removed from the bedroom..If a couple cannot get physically close within a marriage and build intimacy, there needs to be a discussion had between the partners.. Professional help might be needed..

The best tool of sex is the mind...When used well...What is the goal of having sex, how does the couple want to approach having sex? I think the biggest threat to intimacy is having one's mind somewhere else during sex, or always having sex purely for the selfish reason of taking advantage of one's partner..

How do the partners feel after having had sex? Does the sex between the couple produce a nice afterglow when all is said and done after a bedroom session?

Sisoon's post resonates with me...

With many couples, having an O is the endgame of having sex.. With this type of couple one or both partners feel that sex is a useless waste of time if both partners don't O....

It hurts when one partner senses that he or she didn't please the other partner..

Then the quest for the almighty O takes the magic and intimacy out of closeness and sex and even leads some people to mental illness

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think orgasms are over-rated.

I do too. That realization didn't come for me until my medical/physical issues. I've had maybe 2 or 3 orgasms in over 3 years. Oh well. It's not important to me anymore. We have sex around once per week, sometimes twice, and we don't masturbate (with or without toys or porn). Just what works for us.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an orgasm maybe once a week...

No partner..

O' from a bob/masturbation can relieve my stress for sure... They do feel good..But giving myself one feels similar to getting a good message or eating a yummy piece of chocolate..Nothing intimate in of itself..Not in the same league as having a parter, a romance..

Having a romantic partner is not accessible to me right now...

A lack of mutual respect and consideration between partners is the biggest threat to intimacy.....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:13 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W uses one with me. It's to my advantage,,too. She goes first with her toy with me there kissing and caressing her. That way she is guaranteed to have an orgasm. Then I get my turn. Perhaps TMI, but she sure tightens up ( and I don't mean the old Archie Bell and the Drells tune). So, it works for both of us. She doesn't O from sex, and told me she didn't no.mater who her partner was, so I knew it wasn't "my" problem. I bought her her toys, and she figured which one she liked best. A win-win situation as I see it.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop going solo. Many of us had husbands going solo, telling us they had a high sex drive, but the funny thing was most nights they were "tired". Turns out they had already taken care of business and we were left out.
There are special moments, connections, bonding and intimacy that only come with making love with the person you love. Porn and toys will never replace this. It's time to stop living in a fantasy world and start living an authentic life with the person you made vows to.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
LydiaE
♀ Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What is sad about this thread is the apparent jadedness of many of the posters or posters' spouses and society in general.

An orgasm can be achieved in many ways but should never be a means to an end!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From a medical perspective both porn and toys are fine OR they can be a problem when the behavior and usage becomes addictive.

I do try to discourage my patients from "weird" porn (pedophilia, bestiality, abnormal body parts like women with Double R breasts?!? Really it looks like beach balls and men with 12 inch "parts") and not too much three ways, orgies, or heavy S&M. It's not helpful if the mind is geared to only "far out" sexual gratification that can never be expected in the real world if you're not a Hollywood celebrity.

Using porn is normal and using toys is normal. But the key is communication with your partner and making sure addictive behaviors don't start.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My issue with the porn is the dishonesty, and the fact that WH is looking at other women in order to orgasm.

On that same mindframe, I would be upset if I found out he was watching nothing, but thinking about his ex while masturbating.

Further, my huge personal issue with porn is that WH and I are not currently having sex- and yet he was watching porn instead. He chose porn over me.

BOB is not something that I am dishonest with WH about, and when BOB is used, it is not to replace him. Given the choice- WH.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just before D -day I was blaming myself for our sexual problems, so was WH....I thought I was abnormal for the longest time...My WH didn't have a problem with me using BOB...I didn't have a problem with my WH taking care of himself....

But above and beyond WH taking care of himself he was expecting me to be at his beck and call....I wasn't deprived of sex, I was relentlessly pressured into having it...

WH told me that I wasn't sexy or good in the bedroom and that I was the problem for his unhappiness with our sex life... Intimacy didn't seem to be a priority or a goal of sex with him, whatever it took to have an O was..

I felt like I was graded on my performance..He told me that I was lacking because I wasn't thrilled with his desire to spend whole days devoted to sex...

Maybe I am lacking, but I felt like I was being used and gaslighted and I that was nobody special in the M..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was against the BoB in the beginning of our marriage. She talked me into it and we actually used it together. Main use was when I was out of town. Long story short, she got too dependent on it and found it hard to achieve satisfaction without it. This can be a huge issue if unchecked. After DDay, she explained all of this to me and even said she wasn't using it because she recognized her dependency. Of course, she wasn't having sex with me either.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Using porn is COMMON, that doesn't make it normal. The NORMAL response to seeing other people have sex, is to be embarrassed or feel awkward. Because it's SUPPOSED to be a private thing. The idea that porn is NORMAL is false. It is not. That's how my husband got to the idea that married men fucking prostitutes was normal, because in his circle of friends at the time, it was common. Common does not equate normal.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
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