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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Uncertainty
April2013
♀ New Member
Member # 43468
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting to a forum, no less an infidelity forum. Wow, what a tough journey! It has been a little over a year since I found out. We were an unmarried couple, in what I thought was a committed relationship. We met and were together for almost a year before he had to move for work. We maintained a long distance relationship for about 8 months before we decided to be together permanently, deciding that I would let go of my career and move to him.

He never gave me the impression that he would ever hurt me in this way and honestly, if asked if he would ever be unfaithful while we were long distance, I would've said no, and believed it. Not long after moving, I just had a feeling that wouldn't go away. About a month after moving, he left his e-mail account open after heading to work and bam...all revealed. Long story short, he had been on dating sites, had been replying to ads on Craigslist of topless, nude women trying to solicit whatever... He had so many conversations with friends on Facebook implying he would love to "hook" up. One of the worst things was the numerous email to friends talking badly about me.

I packed my bags the same day, feeling so betrayed and not feeling that there could ever be justification for this much hurt. Well, we talked that evening. I agreed to stay and go to couples counseling, of which was a blessing. Our counselor was a no nonsense, put it all out there type person. We needed that. He needed someone to tell him how wrong he had been. We needed someone to pull out all the gory details and insecurities we both had. We went to counseling for 6 months before having to move for work. We were committed to making this work and decided to marry before our move.

We have struggled to connect with another counselor and both of us feel that we need to continue this process. Today, I feel as though I carry around a "sad button" everywhere I go. I have to acknowledge that I have been hurt, that I am sad, but I do not dwell on the details as much. It is a part of me, feels as if it always will be, really. There is nothing easy about the process involved with staying with someone who hurts you deeply. While I don't want to unjustly relive or make him pay for all the details that were brought out in the light so long ago, I want to be true to my feelings and my insecurities along the way. As everything else, it requires balance at this point.

The biggest hurdle for me is I feel like he thinks there should be a time limit for my hurt. He has done everything right and at this point, that should standout more than what he did wrong. I still have questions from time-to-time and when I ask for his confirmation on something such as did you contact such and such girl when you were in her area, he falls into a dark hole, feeling as if I don't see all he is doing to make this work. He feels I should not have any doubt as to his character 13 months after learning he was not faithful to me. I don't feel as though I can talk to him freely anymore.

I do not know if I can do this anymore, to be honest. I feel more hurt from his reaction now and I don't feel that I can heal fully. I'm not sure where I am.

[This message edited by April2013 at 2:24 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you're here, but I think you'll find lots of great people here. Infidelity happens to some of the best of us. Having met some remorseful WSes, I'd even say some of the best of us betray their partners. Good people sometime do bad things.

How much lurking have you done? In particular, have you found the Healing Library and the 'bull's-eyed' posts in JFO? If not, check 'em out - lots of good info.

Also, on the WS forum, there's a thread called something like 'What Every WS Needs to Know' - check that out for sure. If it makes sense to you, print it out for your SO to read.

I feel like he thinks there should be a time limit for my hurt. He has done everything right and at this point, that should standout more than what he did wrong.

First, a year is not enough time for the vast majority of us to heal. It's just too big a hurt. Figure 2-5 years to recover, with life getting better as time goes by and you do the necessary work.

I suspect a WS who wants his/her BS to heal fast really wants to find shortcuts through the WS healing process. That's a terrible approach because it's not going to work.

The WS needs to take full ownership of what s/he did, AND the WS needs to change from cheater to good partner. That's a lot of painful, difficult work. IMO, the WS can't do that work without IC (individual counseling).

My W has been an ideal remorseful WS for over 3 years, and our MC still thinks it's too early to trust her.

I was terribly sad into my 3rd year. Feeling awful sadness in your 13th month sounds healthy to me.

Uncertainty seems reasonable for a long time. You still have a lot of feelings to work through; so does your SO, and he has to make changes. At this point, who knows if he'll succeed? And if he does succeed, you might decide to dump him anyway. As I say, uncertainty seems reasonable. (Again, I remained uncertain about the success of my R probably for 2+years.)

In any case, read here. Post your questions and concerns. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.

Again, welcome.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:25 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
April2013
♀ New Member
Member # 43468
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, Sisoon, for your strength in words. Throughout this process, it is for sure something that cannot be done alone. I am encouraged by being here.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2014
April2013
♀ New Member
Member # 43468
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, it is worth the effort, worth the work, worth the fight. We have made it to today. I remain hopeful we will make it to tomorrow.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 4

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