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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

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User Topic: What do you make of this?
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm married 19 years to a man who was never crazy about having sex. Over the years I could count on one hand how many times we had sex. He hasn't come near me in over four years. He never has a need for sex and there never was any passion. When the marriage counselor asked him why he doesn't want sex, he would say "I'm not comfortable talking about it." He also said he sees our marriage as "empty." We are completely disconnected, talking only when necessary. The only time he ever wanted sex, was when we were trying to have kids….we have 3. He's not affectionate in any way and never says I love you. It's a loveless, sexless marriage. I am sick over this and I've been living like this for many years. I'm wondering if this man could be gay?

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who knows. There could be many reasons for this behavior. How sad though. I feel sad for you


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a sad way to live. I am sorry. I can feel your sadness. Can I ask a ???, why do you stay?


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think he's cheating? I'm with the others, that's a very sad way to live.
I'm sorry, I see this is your first post. Welcome to SI

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:39 AM, May 19th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Positive:
Welcome to SI. Do you think that he suffered some sort of abuse or neglect as a child. I know it's common for a person to not be physically affection towards their spouse or children if they grew up in a home with no physical affirmation. I know this isn't always the case, but it is common.

Something to consider: what did you and your H do together while courting? What do you think changed or was it always this way and you hoped he'd change?

There is as another posted stated, the possibility your H is gay. What then?

One last thing, have you caught your H cheating or is this a suspicion?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your support.

Early in our marriage when he wouldn't initiate or when I did and he ignored me and didn't want sex I would ask why. He would shrug his shoulders and not know why. But said, "things are going to change, things are going to get better." Then life happened….i worked, traveled, had kids, and now I really feel like I missed out on intimacy and romance.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did grow up in an unaffectionate home where he says he was never hugged. He never saw his parents affectionate to each other and so he claims he does't know how to be affectionate. That is part of the problem but there is something else going on.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't caught him cheating but I am hoping to use the Investigative forum to help me find out.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed for my kids, but I don't think they are that happy. They don't have any respect for my husband. And it kills me that they see this is how marriage is….no affection, no closeness at all between us. We just live like roommates. Recently I have decided that staying for the kids is not a reason to stay. My kids need to see that when you're not happy, you leave. I just need to figure out how to survive financially.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think its possible he's been abusing drugs?


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually sounds asexual.

You can probably get a clue as to where his head is at by getting real sneaky and looking through the history of the computer, etc. There's bound to be a clue if you search hard enough.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1902 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lived with a guy for almost 2 years. We had sex three times that whole time. He often told me he was just not interested in sex... However... When we started to renovate the bedroom... I found his porn stash... He had no interest in me... but he went through 2 large bottles of lube a month...

And, my husband was the same way during his Porn Daze. No interest in me, no affection, no love...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought he might be asexual too. I have searched through the history of the computer but he clears the history so haven't had any clues that way. I'm on the lookout for them though!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he's using drugs he doesn't like taking meds. He was diagnosed with depression and has stopped taking his antidepressants.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aussiescot
♀ New Member
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearing the history is ringing bells for me! No man needs to clear the history unless he is looking at things he knows would hurt you


BS
4 DD's
DD April 2012
DD2 March 2014
New life started march 2014, false R! Still on the rollercoaster but will ride it out until the end.....because that's just how I roll

Posts: 49 | Registered: May 2013
cissie
♀ Member
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you can say that just because he clears his history, he has something to hide. My BH borders on having OCD. He deletes his emails. He deletes his history. He uses CCleaner at least once a week to make sure there is nothing on his computer.
He is like that in the house. He throws things away and sometimes he has to go out and buy them again. If he had his way we would have one cup, one plate, one knife,one spoon and one fork each and maybe a glass.
Fortunately I have managed to hang on to a set of each, but he has lately started to accuse me of being a hoarder.
Does your H have any of those tendencies. Is he super tidy super clean? having a sex life may be just too "messy" emotionally for him.

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2008
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he suffered from depression in the years prior. Maybe some he has some behaviors like depression that affect his sex drive.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:56 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You describe my marriage for the first 10 yrs.
My husband is a sex addict who used porn compulsively so therefore never had interest in a real person.
I thought he just wasn't interested because I had absolutely no clue about the porn. none


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He definitely is not super tidy or OCD about anything. It may be just the way he's wired, he has no drive for any closeness at all. I just can't figure it out!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he was into porn that would be shocking! I don't know for sure, but I seriously doubt it.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
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