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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to handle my insecurities?
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SoSorry.

Very sorry to hear it but I hope you continue to stay with us here on SI and continue to work on yourself. Specifically for yourself as well as for your family. You started working on you, you need to see it through and finish it. You deserve to give yourself a better life regardless of what that may be and what your future holds.

No matter what happens I will continue to root for you and your family. Continue to fight. See this through. You can do this.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Papers signed or not, don't give up. Now is the time to stand up and fight.

Like yop suggested, no matter the outcome, stick around here and continue to work on yourself.

I'm still continuing to root for both you and SWAT, and will continue to do so as individuals, or as a couple, whatever direction your relationship turns.

Thinking of you all today.


Posts: 6580 | Registered: Dec 2010
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat found a journal of mine. I had filled the journal book and put it away. Doesn't sound so bad but its what and how I wrote that hurt him. That seems to be all I do is hurt him.

I started this journal during the very early stages of my affair and AP and I where talking a lot. The talk became sexual in nature and how we missed the things AP and I did before we split up and Swat was even in the picture. Without getting to detailed, I wrote things in the journal referencing sex acts and how much I "loved" them when AP and I did them. These were just thoughts I had early on and I guess I was remembering fondly certain things. Just like in my real life I greatly exaggerated my fantasy life.

There were some photos exchanged as well. Again I don't need to explain. I had actually forgotten about them. They were sent only once and I had deleted them right away. But the pictures I sent where obviously me. You can't see my face, but I have some very distinct body art and modifications.

Well Swat came home from work this morning and made breakfast before the kids and I even woke up. He woke me up and tossed my journal and the pictures on the bed and started our little convo. At first I didn't realize what they were or what he was saying. When it hit me what he was saying I wanted to explain the journal was just fantasy and none of it was true and I really had forgotten about the pictures. But I looked at him and he was "gone", he has had enough. I have never seen someone look so defeated.

He demanded answers and reasons but I had none. He asked me to sign the papers to start the divorce. Again I'm selfish and almost tried to defend myself but after seeing him, he is beyond broken. I signed them. He gathered up the papers and some personal things, told me breakfast was on the table and left. He took care of the kids and went to church and I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I just can't stop crying. I've read what I wrote and looked at those pictures all day. WTF is wrong with me?


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, but he is giving me time and a chance to prove that I am his "one".

Posts: 206 | Registered: May 2014
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I just can't stop crying. I've read what I wrote and looked at those pictures all day.

You say you want your marriage but you don't fight for it. If you aren't going to fight for it, why should he?

Self pity will only get you the D you just signed for.

If you really want to save your marriage, or even just help yourself, you need to act like it. As of now, your actions say that it's not worth the hard work or trouble.

I can say from experience that if you do the hard work the pay off is much greater than doing nothing at all.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 638 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anything else that you can think of that he doesn't know about SS? If there is, let him know anyway sooner rather than later. Don't get your hopes up, the outcome is what it is, but a lot can happen between now and then.

Keep in mind this is another DDay for SWAT. He was just reset back to square 1 and even the tiniest bit if good will is gone, but a lot can still happen between now and whenever. So get out of bed and get back to work on yourself. Time to get up and get your shit together. If there was ever a time to buck up and be strong it's on another DDay. Don't ask to talk to him, just take care of yourself. Those kids of yours are going to need you more than ever.

ETA - cross posting with WOE. Exactly what she said. If ever there was a time to get up, it's now.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 5:31 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS17, just to clarify--

is the problem simply the painfulness of what was in the journal, or

does what what is the journal flatly contradict something you have said to SWAT: in short, did you get caught actively lying still? (For example: You said after DDay "No, I never sent him pictures." Now here he finds pictures.)

It makes a difference.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2014
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're still hiding stuff. You said you forgot about the journal, but SWAT found it. What else is there? What are you holding back?

It may be too late to save your marriage, but it's not too late to figure out why you withhold information.

You need to figure out why you don't want people to see the "real you". Why are you so afraid to show your true self?

Stop lying. It doesn't work. People eventually figure it out.

Be true to yourself.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 291 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by outtamymind at 10:25 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 291 | Registered: Oct 2011
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SS))))

I know you are devastated. I know you are defeated.

Even if he's done, even with the papers signed, he needs to know that you are there still fighting for him and for your marriage.

Get your ass up. Wash your face. Brush your hair. Put on your big girl panties and get to work. We never said this was easy, but it IS worth it. Fix your shit. Fight for your marriage. Respect his wishes and become the woman you and he both deserve. FOR YOU! I promise, you can do this. Do not lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself any more, it's a bad move all around.

If you can't talk to him because he wants NC then write him a short note.

"I signed the papers because I believe that's what you need from me right now. I am here to listen or to answer questions whenever you need me to. I am here fighting to become a better, HONEST, trustworthy woman whether I'm co-parenting with you or in a relationship with you I will take whatever you allow me and give you the best I am capable of and continue to work on being better. I am writing a detailed timeline. I will have it available for you if you ever want to see it. "

Get to work. Write the time line. Take care of yourself and your kids. He does not need to worry about you and the kids right now. His heart is broken too. You broke it. Show him you are strong enough to pick up the slack when needed.

Lean on us. We care! We wish the very best for you. This isn't over until it's over....and in many cases not even then. Hang tuff. I can see you've got the stuff!

[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:36 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1406 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoSorry,

That's devastating news. Get whatever sleep you can.

Then, tomorrow, get up and keep going. I believe you have immense strength within you.

"If you are going through hell, keep going". Winston Churchill

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 12:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jun 2012
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had forgotten about sending AP the pictures. I only sent them one time. But AP had them and apparently sent them to his friends and now just about everyone has them on their phones.

The journal does actually contradict some things I told Swat and it says how much I wanted AP to do certain things and how much I loved them and how Swat couldn't do them. The reality is I wouldn't let him.

BH said its all right there in your own words. You always wanted OM and not me. You did and said things with/to him you would never allow me. That was never true but I did write some horrible things about my affair and how BH couldn't satisfy my sexual needs. (Which he did, except for one thing I wouldn't let him do.)

The journal was fantasy and almost nothing in it was true. They were my thoughts and justification for my affair. I have no idea why I even kept it. What I wrote was utter garbage and barely based on facts. It was my sexual fantasies, but I wrote about doing them with AP. But reading it is painful and I don't think he can ever get over what was written. I made him sound like a "loser" and he said he wouldn't be anyone's back up plan.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, but he is giving me time and a chance to prove that I am his "one".

Posts: 206 | Registered: May 2014
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had forgotten about sending AP the pictures. I only sent them one time. But AP had them and apparently sent them to his friends and now just about everyone has them on their phones.
The journal does actually contradict some things I told Swat and it says how much I wanted AP to do certain things and how much I loved them and how Swat couldn't do them. The reality is I wouldn't let him.

BH said its all right there in your own words. You always wanted OM and not me. You did and said things with/to him you would never allow me. That was never true but I did write some horrible things about my affair and how BH couldn't satisfy my sexual needs. (Which he did, except for one thing I wouldn't let him do.)

The journal was fantasy and almost nothing in it was true. They were my thoughts and justification for my affair. I have no idea why I even kept it. What I wrote was utter garbage and barely based on facts. It was my sexual fantasies, but I wrote about doing them with AP. But reading it is painful and I don't think he can ever get over what was written. I made him sound like a "loser" and he said he wouldn't be anyone's back up plan.


BS here with some tough questions.
Did SWAT ever ask you if pics were ever exchanged?
You claim the journal were just fantasy....did you share these sexual fantasies with the other man?
When was your last entry in your journal?
Did you live out your fantasies with the OM?

Posts: 1537 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did ask if there were any pictures, but I really had forgotten about them. So I said no.

The last entry was April 23,2013. And yes what I wrote was things AP and I talked about. There is only one thing sexually I did with AP that I wouldn't do with BH.

So here I am sitting in bed not sleeping and I have no idea what to do. I never thought I would be in this situation. He was always supposed to be here with me. That was our dream, why did I do this?

I just can't believe I destroyed everything for AP. After reading the journal Swat thinks I love AP, but nothing could be further from the truth. He told me to go be with AP, I couldn't even cry when he told me this. I was just shocked, I couldn't say anything. I've ruined everything for my family. I cheated on a kind, loving, generous and all around great man. I lied because that was my first defense. You all said the lies hurt the worse and you were so right. I lied so much about the affair, I began to believe my own lies.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, but he is giving me time and a chance to prove that I am his "one".

Posts: 206 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS, I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Whether intentionally or not, you have given SWAT TT. That hurts like a mothersucker, he's had his 3rd Dday. He is right back at square one. Show compassion, patience and strength.

Get yourself out of bed. Not for SWAT but for you and for the lovely kids of yours. Have a shower, put your game face on and let today be the day you start becoming the person you want to be. Small steps.

The OM is a bunny boiler. He sent those pictures to SWAT's friends and colleagues knowing exactly what it would do to you and SWAT. He did it out of spite, he is an angry and spiteful man doing desperate, desperate things. OM is still trying to pull your strings, make you dance. Don't let him!

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. You can do this.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not giving up yet. Swat just emailed me. He says he wants nothing but his personal property and his truck. He just asked that I comply with the agreement I don't get any of his pension. He said he was going to turn down a position so he could still work 12 hour days and have every other weekend off.(fri,sat,sun) He asked that we split custody on those weekends, and since he has no other family the kids would spend the holidays with me and my family. THEY ARE HIS FAMILY TO! What the hell have I done?

I recently got a huge inheritance, the house we live in is on family property. He built this beautiful home from a three room cabin with his own hands. There is no mortgage. Why doesn't he want anything from me?

I don't even know where to start but I'm not gonna let it end like this. I'll prove to him I can be a better person.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, but he is giving me time and a chance to prove that I am his "one".

Posts: 206 | Registered: May 2014
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did ask if there were any pictures, but I really had forgotten about them. So I said no.

You can't kid a kidder. I struggle to think you are truthful here. If you were asked specifically, the memory should have popped up. I think you are still trying to protect yourself. But you can't. It's pretty much public knowledge and you are losing it all. Why not be honest with yourself about what the situation is so that you can be honest with him.


So here I am sitting in bed not sleeping and I have no idea what to do.

How can you say that you don't know what to do? It's been written here in black and white over and over.

I just can't believe I destroyed everything for AP.

Really? That's what you are concerned about?


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 638 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is doing his best to take care of the kids. That means as little disruption as possible in their life. Their home is yours, it's most likely the only home they've known. He won't take it away from his kids.

He is also giving you the opportunity to step up and take care of the kids. You need to put the kids needs first. Kids learn by example, show them the what a strong capable woman you are. You can fall apart when they're in bed. Don't show them the damsel in distress - that damn damsel is not your friend, she attracted OM. She comes out when the insecurities get stirred up, lock her in the dungeon until the kids are in bed. Then bring her out, analyze the sh•t out of her to make her less powerful in your life.

YOU CAN do this.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SS, speaking as someone who didn't have the greatest childhood, I can almost guarantee you that SWAT is putting the kids first and doing so with knowledge of his own personal childhood. Those kids probably mean more to him than anything. He knows what it looks like to not have a father in the picture and because he knows he was ok, he knows the kids will be ok. That said, he would never allow them to be completely fatherless but he might do and say things sometimes based on his own experiences i.e. the no family/holiday comments. All of this that he is going through with you I'm sure is also triggering his unresolved childhood family issues. He may feel like he's losing family all over again. That's on top of the main issues between the two of you.

So start with that through actions. Start by providing as stable as an environment as you can for your kids. That means no pity parties or wallowing. There's going to be a lot more to come in dealing with those kids together. Second,Honor SWATs requests. Third, work on you and changing your behaviors and attitudes so that you can be a more authentic you. You have a ton of advice here in your threads on the third.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS17,

One thing to seriously consider:
It looks like these photos were distributed by “someone”. Well… we all know who that “someone” is. I suggest you contact the attorney handling the PO and ask him/her what actions can be taken. The fact you took the photos and you sent them does not mean that he can distribute them with no consequences.
Now – we know that the photo’s can’t be withdrawn, but if you seek legal action and step down firmly on OM then it does show SWAT where your heart is.

Like SWAT then OM is probably getting some support/sympathy as a LEO. But unlike SWAT he’s burning up his support fast. IMHO this last step just might be what it takes to get him out of your life for a long, long time.

T/J
When she says
“I just can't believe I destroyed everything for AP“
I take it she‘s referring to not understanding why she risked her marriage to have the affair with OM/AP rather than having regrets about having wrecked OM’s career and life.

[This message edited by Bigger at 5:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5504 | Registered: Sep 2005
majortom87
New Member
Member # 40350
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus christ this OM has to be one of the nastiest SoB I have ever heard of in my entire life. You should talk to a lawyer, I'm sure what he did has to have legal consequences. Also that would show your BH where your loyalties are, although I'd do it just because of you.

And just a remimder that divorce is not the end. Maybe it's what he needs for now, but if you show him your improvements, if you show him the great mother and wife you can be, this thing can be reversed. Take care

[This message edited by majortom87 at 6:44 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


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