im a bs.
ive read both yours and swats story with interest and caring. ive posted on his thread a few times.
i served on a direct action special operations capable military unit (think swat forces but in a military environment). and ... of course ... my wife cheated on me too
i want to get into trust. i suspect swat has a very similar mindset to mine, although i cant be sure. i am an honorable guy. i dont cheat. i dont lie. i dont steal. i help those less fortunate than myself. i have put myself into harms way repeatedly with a group of guys that i trusted to ALWAYS have my back.
one of the things i learned in the marines is that loyalty flows up and down. loyalty always starts at the smallest possible unit. in the marines that was either my roomates, my fireteam, or my CQB stack.
squad > platoon > company > battalion > division > marine corps > america > the world.
in the event of divided loyalties the smallest unit always wins - with the caveat that i am not going to screw over loyalty to a larger unit to protect the wrong doings of a smaller unit. in the same way swat wouldnt cover up an intentional murder within his unit thus betraying his loyalty to the police dept.
in the civilian world i followed the same lessons i had learned in the marines - i viewed my wife and my children as my "smallest possible unit".
when my wife betrayed me (and gods, did she ever betray me - a one night stand with one guy, a night stand (or possibly twice) with another guy, a long term 6-8 month emotional and physical affair with another guy, and at least a dozen guys sexting and nude photos - over a two year period) the betrayal cut deep.
see, i not only expected my wife to have my back ... i also expected her to not go out of her way to stab me in it too.
in military terms - she gave the plans of our defenses (opening windows into our marriage and its issues) to the enemy (guys interested in hopping into her pants), she encouraged them to attack (flirting with them), she covered up the coming assault (lying to me), and then when we were attacked she waited for me to turn my back and THEN sunk the knife in (having sex with them, sending photos, etc). she did it repeatedly.
this kind of thinking is so alien to me that i still cant come to grips with it. i suspect its the same for your husband. so .. someone flirted with him. who cares. he has integrity, honor, and loyalty to his "unit". thats to his family - YOU and the CHILDREN. even if you stabbed him in the back he doesnt have it in him to betray you. period. its not in his mindset. it doesnt compute to him. he has boundaries built upon his honor and integrity and he wont violate those boundaries.
similarly, he promised not to read your thread. so he wont. its really that simple. he gave his word and because he gave his word he wont even feel tempted.
i totally agree with owl. you are projecting your fears and weaknesses onto swat. you are also taking that first step down the slippery slope to breaking your word in regarding reading his posts, once you take the first step it will become harder and harder to stop the slide down to the bottom.
having an affair wasnt a "bad decision" - it was 1000s of bad decisions on top of each other, a series of steps that could have been averted or stopped at any time along the way. starting with even talking to the OM in anything other than "hi and bye" to sharing details of the marriage, to flirting ... all the way down the line to where you actually cheated. each step could have been stopped or the course changed. each of those steps was a betrayal.
rebuilding trust is also a series of steps.
the bad news is that the steps to rebuild trust are much, much more difficult than the steps to destroy it (think going uphill versus sliding down a slippery slope). your husband will have mood swings and go through a full spectrum of emotions. some will cycle fast, others will linger, and he will take steps backwards as he tries to trudge forward. this is going to make it more difficult for you because it wont be a trip on a nice sunny day but rather it will feel like trying to swim in an ocean during a hurricane sometimes. some of the issues that need to be dealt with are extremely unpleasant. it will be much easier for you to quit than to suck it up, continue on, and to fix yourself - especially so because it wont all be about you (with him supporting you each step) but will also be about you having to support him with each step he makes towards healing. its not easy to support someone else when you are used to using them as a crutch. each lie or misstep will take you back to the beginning. be assured, you will have to restart several times. the journey will be so rough that you will be tempted to quit.
however, the good news is that the steps can be made. it "just" takes dedication and courage. the more steps you make the easier the others become. the more you show you are trustworthy and the longer you do it - the more trust you accrue. it CAN be done. its going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life ... but its possible. when in doubt - look at some of the success stories on this forum. if they can do ... so can you.
you have to accept that he might not be beside you further along in the journey. thats his choice. but no matter what you cant abandon him on the journey. you betrayed him once, you cant do it to him again. you have to be there. each step. always. giving him a shoulder to lean on when hes fatigued. these things build trust too. they also make you a better person. that should be your goal right now - for you to become a better person. thats ALL you have control over. but ... you can do it.