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User Topic: How to handle my insecurities?
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Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm willing to do what ever it takes to fix my problems. I think subconsciously I've always know I've had issues. I've mentioned numerous times in the past I was not good enough for him. And I think that I pushed for that outcome. I never wanted to be the one cause it though. I always thought he would be the one to just walk away. He never gave me any indication this would happen and always supported me. You know the angel and devil on each shoulder? Well that was me, my problem was there was more than one devil. I had plenty of chances to fix me before the affair happened, I just choose not to. My ego and need to be the center of attention was more important to me at the time.

BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 252 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Everything I ever wanted and dreamed of was mine. I threw it away and that is killing me.
My BS would say that I didn't throw away what I wanted and dreamed about because if I didn't want it I would not have done it and she is right. If I didn't want it in that moment, I would not have done it and you would not have either. That doesn't mean that you didn't regret it later but not at the time of you making that choice. This is harsh but it is the truth.

Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am terrified of all of it. Terrified of losing him, my family everything.
Hi, SoSorry. Those fears are all understandable. And to be honest, you could lose everything. Someone said it before on your previous thread, but I want you to hear it again - you have to let go of the outcome. That doesn't mean to give up on your marriage and your family, it means accepting that you do not have control over how things will end up.

The only thing you have control over is yourself. Your actions, your thoughts, your words, your promises, etc. Do your work. Focus on making yourself a authentic, healthy, and safe person for no other reason than wanting to be an authentic, healthy, and safe person. No matter what the outcome may be.

I'm so glad you came to SI.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 26075 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your right at the time I didn't care. Then he got hurt and I almost lost him. It is true that you don't know what you had until it is gone. Right now I'm cherishing every moment with him that I can. I know it could end any day.

BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 252 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm really trying. I know Swat is driving the bus now and if he decides enough is enough I will accept it. Bad choices and decisions have consequences and these are mine. I have to live with them and make the best out of this mess.

BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 252 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to your original question. You've always handled your insecurities by making yourself the center of attention, and by trading sex for affirmation.

What's your new plan?

Nobody here expects you to turn on a dime, or to have this all figured out. Step one, I always say, is for the WS to take full responsibility for their A. Statements like this...

The only reason any of it happened was OM was pushing for more

...indicate you're not there yet. You're still looking to blame outside forces for your deliberate, carefully-planned actions.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been getting a lot of 2x4's, and deservedly so. But I hope you recognize that there are a lot of people who want to see you be successful, first in yourself, and then in your family. There is a lot of positive energy flowing your way. Learn from the 2x4's, but feel the well wishes.

A silly little admittedly have lived a self-absorbed life, always wanting to be the center of attention....and here you are on Wayward forum, again being the center of attention. Make sure you don't FEED off of this. :)

When I read your post yesterday about your jealousy at the woman flirting with your husband, I wanted to scream at you to STOP that thought. I see that others caught that too.

But at the same time, your honesty, which is brutal, is starting you on the road to self-awareness. If you continue this road I look forward to seeing you here, one year from now, mentoring a new Wayward on this site.

Your journey is tough, you know that. You will falter, but hopefully in ways that you can dust yourself off and get back on the horse. There is no room for mistakes in trust however. You've emptied that bucket. You need to remind yourself constantly to not play in that arena anymore.

That being said, I do hope for you that this difficult and painful journey you are on doesn't exhaust you too much emotionally that you want to give up. Work with your IC on this. You need to hold onto some of your ego so you don't drown.

As for OM, he needs to be dead to you. His escalation of behaviors that put him into jail may not go away immediately. He too has his own journey to healing he needs to take. He may not have the benefit of a bunch of online strangers pushing him along this journey. But that is not your concern in the least. You need to have eyes in the back of your head for awhile in case he messes up again.

Again I wish to state that you are getting amazing advise and support here. And you seem very open to the process. I wish to congratulate you on that.

Keep your eye on the prize. The prize is YOU.

Posts: 2634 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
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Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SoSorry17, first of all I want to wish you happiness regardless of the outcome, and I hope the path you are taking leads you someplace phenomenal. I've been following your journey from both sides for a while now and I hope you do not mind an on-topic observation followed by an off-topic one, and please feel free to disregard either/both of them!

People like Swat simply are not capable of betrayal. Individuals such as him who almost stoically choose duty, honor, integrity, justice above all else will make MANY mistakes in life, but this will not be one they succumb to. Often times on pretty much every sub-forum of this brilliant site it is discussed that we need to release the outcome and control only what we can control; which is really only ourselves. While you are not there yet, I believe this will be a key to resolving your insecurities. For now focus on the fact that he would be completely and utterly incapable of following through on anything to do with another female while he remains married to you. It would probably be comical even to watch him try, a true fish out of water flopping 10 miles inland with no water in sight.

And now for the off-topic observation. WRT

But I'm afraid. I'm afraid he isn't going to love me anymore, my family will be broken, he will find someone better. The list goes on and on.
In your first thread you had stated that you never felt good enough for Swat which sounds eerily similar albeit more simplified than the above quote. Interestingly enough my wayward had the same thoughts of inferiority which I believe to be misguided. Imagine for a minute you and Swat are both looking at a vacation home catalogue. While thumbing through, you find a Victorian mansion with all the tradition and a rich history that you fall in love with. On the next page Swat sees a lovely beachfront property which makes his heart sing with joy. You both view beauty in vastly different ways, and trying to compare these two is apples and oranges. Similarly, you deemed him worthy for completely different reasons than he deemed you worthy; the scales are balanced, but not in the way you imagined. In my case I am the mind, and she is the heart, we complement each other nicely but if I measured my worth based on her ability to feel, boy would I come up as unworthy; similarly, her main downfall was measuring her worth based on her weaknesses rather than her strengths (her beautiful heart). You were always worthy to Swat, you were just wondering why you weren’t as good of an orange as him, when all along you were an apple.

Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
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Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well shit just keeps coming. I came over to see the kids and have the talk Swat had planned. That didn't happen. OM sent an email to my old email account. I stopped using it when I gave Swat all my passwords. I've changed all my numbers and email, I deactivated my facebook I want nothing to do with OM. Why can't he just leave me alone?

Swat had printed out the email. When I got to the house he just handed it to me. He told me to take care of it and said he needed to leave. That was almost three hours ago. I know he is at the gym because my brother saw him and tried to talk to him, but he ignored him and started lifting.

What more do I have to do in order to get OM to leave me alone? I've pressed charges three times now. It is bordering on insane. I made another report to the police and gave a statement. My kids had to see the cops talking to me yet again. I'm at the end of my rope here. I want to help Swat get through this, but he is rightfully angry and hurt. I have tried to maintain NC, I really want nothing to do with OM. I used to consider him a friend before the affair, we grew up as neighbors.

I brought this on us. I can't take much more, I feel like I'm breaking. Why did I do this to us? I wish Swat could support me but he can't. He has done that for me for to long. Thankfully I have IC appointment soon. I need to fix my shit. I know it is going to take time, but I feel like I have to do something. I'm waiting until I get to my parents later to tell them. Gotta go he just got home.

BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 252 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I'm glad that you are pressing charges. I am very concerned about this OM. He seems totally unable to stop. He's just got out of jail and here he is again. He has to know that this will likely (hopefully) land him back in jail.

If he doesn't go back to jail you should see if the police can do extra patrols around your parents house (and back at your house when you go back there). Do your parents live far from you? Can the children go back/forth to school from their home? This might be the safest place for you for awhile.

I'm sorry to hear this is happening. I think that, for the moment, dealing with this serious threat might need to be top priority.

This mess may have started because of your actions, but it's taken on a life of it's own. You cannot control this anymore. Make sure than if he goes to jail you are informed when he gets released. I would pursue this vigorously. He is feeling "ignored", and that is really getting to him.

Just be safe. Don't go out alone at night.

Posts: 2634 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
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Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your right even the officers that I spoke to said this is dangerous. My parents house is close by and I'm hoping the fact that there are several adults that now how to and aren't afraid to use them will keep him away. Swat won't let me go out alone. I know he called the station and asked for extra patrols and for him they'll do it. Even after all I've done he won't let OM hurt me.

BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 252 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a betrayed spouse my healing started when I made a concious CHOICE that I was going to have a great life with or without my WW.

BS here and bravo on pressing charges yet again.

Very, very gently. The above quote needs to apply to you also as a WS. You need to make a choice to get well for yourself and to be okay if SWAT decides to have a great life with you or without you. You have to give the control and choice to him. You gave him no control or choice in your previous decisions, now this is one of your consequences.

I wish you both so much luck and love in your futures. I don't think I have ever seen a couple that I have so much hope for working it out, other than for my own marriage.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
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Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing calling the police. As bad as these circumstances are they offer you a way to prove to yourself and your husband that you can handle things and that you were really done with OM. You might try talking to your parents about what more you can do. Try to come up with a plan that u can talk w your h that shows you are taking responsibility. Think about protecting your children

Well done - calling the police was a step in the right direction

BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
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Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SoSorry17,
Count me in with the group cheering you and SWAT on to reconciliation.

As far as the OM goes, and him "leaving you alone" it might be a long road. I know this is difficult, but chances are he is not going to just "leave you alone."

First thing you need to remember is no matter what he does, do NOT have any contact with him at all. If he calls on the phone at your parents house, don't even say "I can't talk to you" just hang up the phone immediately and call the police. Every email he sends that SWAT gives you, tell SWAT, "I will take care of this." Then call the police.

Follow up with the police, contact the prosecutors office, etc. Also, let SWAT know about every single attempted contact made by OM. Also tell SWAT what you did to handle the situation.

Most important. By you handling this situation on your own and following through with calling the police, etc. You will be showing SWAT that you are not playing "victim". You will be showing him you are being honest, and you hare handling the situation on your own in an adult mature manner.

Sooner or later the idiot will get tired of going to jail.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:53 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)

Posts: 8035 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be on the look out for sure...

OM is not through yet. In his mind, you and him share a bond. You have a history with him, you dated him, had an affair with him.
Keep a watchful eye out because he is just waiting for an opportunity to meet you.

Good move in pressing charges.

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
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Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Handy that Swat is a LEO, I'm sure you will be well taken care of with the extra patrols.

I've been reading both yours and Swat's threads, and feel great empathy to both sides. He seems to be an exemplary man. And in spite of your issues I feel that deep down inside you are a lovely lady. Your family sounds wonderful, look to them as your example. Swat did not fall in love with a bad person. You are indeed broken, and need to fix yourself. Not impossible at all.

Your kids need you healthy.

Posts: 2634 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
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Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never posted here on this side but will say as a BS. The greatest chance you have to secure a BS is to work diligently at finding the root cause for why you strayed and working to fix that part of you. Forgiveness is certainly possible with time and hard work. As a BS the greatest fear is that an A could happen again. When your feeling vulnerable after betrayal you need the comfort of knowing your WS is legitimately trying to change for the positive.

I do wish you all the luck in the world. There is pain on both sides of infidelity. I hope those of you sincerely seeking R will find favor with your BS and a second chance to have the M you both desire. Be blessed.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you have been given very sound advice from BS and WS alike.

I hope that you can continue to look inside your self with honesty, and take the necessary steps to heal your self.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 9:31 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Red Sox Nation
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Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't something you fix. Just be the wife SWAT deserves. Stop reminding him of the wife/ex-wife he would divorce.

At a certain point, apologies are just reminders. I would think, by now, he's heard the apologies. Now he needs to figure out if he can trust again. The only way to do that is to be a person worthy of trust. It's not going to happen overnight.

As for this OM... I guess there's no better way to realize how terrible it is to let an OP into a marriage than to see it blow up in your face with that terrible display in the middle of the night. Are the kids safe? Are you safe?

The OM wheedled you into breaking your promise just to meet with you and, to his perspective, give him a chance to plead his case and keep the affair going. In OM's mind, his very sick mind, this was an invitation. And now you see what that caused.

This isn't about being a drama queen, or any silly label. This is about living life 24/7 as the wife a good guy like SWAT deserves. That person would never have allowed herself to open the door again like that.

And, yes, there are a lot of people rooting for both of you.

When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me to have any sort of recovery with my fwh, I needed to see him "do" not try. His saying he was trying was like whining to me.

I needed to see steady steps of doing, in order to gain a small amount of trust.

Learning "to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 325 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
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