Everything I ever wanted and dreamed of was mine. I threw it away and that is killing me.
* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.
I am terrified of all of it. Terrified of losing him, my family everything.
The only thing you have control over is yourself. Your actions, your thoughts, your words, your promises, etc. Do your work. Focus on making yourself a authentic, healthy, and safe person for no other reason than wanting to be an authentic, healthy, and safe person. No matter what the outcome may be.
I'm so glad you came to SI.
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
Your right at the time I didn't care. Then he got hurt and I almost lost him. It is true that you don't know what you had until it is gone. Right now I'm cherishing every moment with him that I can. I know it could end any day.
I'm really trying. I know Swat is driving the bus now and if he decides enough is enough I will accept it. Bad choices and decisions have consequences and these are mine. I have to live with them and make the best out of this mess.
What's your new plan?
Nobody here expects you to turn on a dime, or to have this all figured out. Step one, I always say, is for the WS to take full responsibility for their A. Statements like this...
The only reason any of it happened was OM was pushing for more
...indicate you're not there yet. You're still looking to blame outside forces for your deliberate, carefully-planned actions.
A silly little thought...you admittedly have lived a self-absorbed life, always wanting to be the center of attention....and here you are on Wayward forum, again being the center of attention. Make sure you don't FEED off of this. :)
When I read your post yesterday about your jealousy at the woman flirting with your husband, I wanted to scream at you to STOP that thought. I see that others caught that too.
But at the same time, your honesty, which is brutal, is starting you on the road to self-awareness. If you continue this road I look forward to seeing you here, one year from now, mentoring a new Wayward on this site.
Your journey is tough, you know that. You will falter, but hopefully in ways that you can dust yourself off and get back on the horse. There is no room for mistakes in trust however. You've emptied that bucket. You need to remind yourself constantly to not play in that arena anymore.
That being said, I do hope for you that this difficult and painful journey you are on doesn't exhaust you too much emotionally that you want to give up. Work with your IC on this. You need to hold onto some of your ego so you don't drown.
As for OM, he needs to be dead to you. His escalation of behaviors that put him into jail may not go away immediately. He too has his own journey to healing he needs to take. He may not have the benefit of a bunch of online strangers pushing him along this journey. But that is not your concern in the least. You need to have eyes in the back of your head for awhile in case he messes up again.
Again I wish to state that you are getting amazing advise and support here. And you seem very open to the process. I wish to congratulate you on that.
Keep your eye on the prize. The prize is YOU.
People like Swat simply are not capable of betrayal. Individuals such as him who almost stoically choose duty, honor, integrity, justice above all else will make MANY mistakes in life, but this will not be one they succumb to. Often times on pretty much every sub-forum of this brilliant site it is discussed that we need to release the outcome and control only what we can control; which is really only ourselves. While you are not there yet, I believe this will be a key to resolving your insecurities. For now focus on the fact that he would be completely and utterly incapable of following through on anything to do with another female while he remains married to you. It would probably be comical even to watch him try, a true fish out of water flopping 10 miles inland with no water in sight.
And now for the off-topic observation. WRT
But I'm afraid. I'm afraid he isn't going to love me anymore, my family will be broken, he will find someone better. The list goes on and on.
Swat had printed out the email. When I got to the house he just handed it to me. He told me to take care of it and said he needed to leave. That was almost three hours ago. I know he is at the gym because my brother saw him and tried to talk to him, but he ignored him and started lifting.
What more do I have to do in order to get OM to leave me alone? I've pressed charges three times now. It is bordering on insane. I made another report to the police and gave a statement. My kids had to see the cops talking to me yet again. I'm at the end of my rope here. I want to help Swat get through this, but he is rightfully angry and hurt. I have tried to maintain NC, I really want nothing to do with OM. I used to consider him a friend before the affair, we grew up as neighbors.
I brought this on us. I can't take much more, I feel like I'm breaking. Why did I do this to us? I wish Swat could support me but he can't. He has done that for me for to long. Thankfully I have IC appointment soon. I need to fix my shit. I know it is going to take time, but I feel like I have to do something. I'm waiting until I get to my parents later to tell them. Gotta go he just got home.
If he doesn't go back to jail you should see if the police can do extra patrols around your parents house (and back at your house when you go back there). Do your parents live far from you? Can the children go back/forth to school from their home? This might be the safest place for you for awhile.
I'm sorry to hear this is happening. I think that, for the moment, dealing with this serious threat might need to be top priority.
This mess may have started because of your actions, but it's taken on a life of it's own. You cannot control this anymore. Make sure than if he goes to jail you are informed when he gets released. I would pursue this vigorously. He is feeling "ignored", and that is really getting to him.
Just be safe. Don't go out alone at night.
As a betrayed spouse my healing started when I made a concious CHOICE that I was going to have a great life with or without my WW.
BS here and bravo on pressing charges yet again.
Very, very gently. The above quote needs to apply to you also as a WS. You need to make a choice to get well for yourself and to be okay if SWAT decides to have a great life with you or without you. You have to give the control and choice to him. You gave him no control or choice in your previous decisions, now this is one of your consequences.
I wish you both so much luck and love in your futures. I don't think I have ever seen a couple that I have so much hope for working it out, other than for my own marriage.
Well done - calling the police was a step in the right direction
As far as the OM goes, and him "leaving you alone" it might be a long road. I know this is difficult, but chances are he is not going to just "leave you alone."
First thing you need to remember is no matter what he does, do NOT have any contact with him at all. If he calls on the phone at your parents house, don't even say "I can't talk to you" just hang up the phone immediately and call the police. Every email he sends that SWAT gives you, tell SWAT, "I will take care of this." Then call the police.
Follow up with the police, contact the prosecutors office, etc. Also, let SWAT know about every single attempted contact made by OM. Also tell SWAT what you did to handle the situation.
Most important. By you handling this situation on your own and following through with calling the police, etc. You will be showing SWAT that you are not playing "victim". You will be showing him you are being honest, and you hare handling the situation on your own in an adult mature manner.
Sooner or later the idiot will get tired of going to jail.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:53 PM, May 19th (Monday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
OM is not through yet. In his mind, you and him share a bond. You have a history with him, you dated him, had an affair with him.
Keep a watchful eye out because he is just waiting for an opportunity to meet you.
Good move in pressing charges.
I've been reading both yours and Swat's threads, and feel great empathy to both sides. He seems to be an exemplary man. And in spite of your issues I feel that deep down inside you are a lovely lady. Your family sounds wonderful, look to them as your example. Swat did not fall in love with a bad person. You are indeed broken, and need to fix yourself. Not impossible at all.
Your kids need you healthy.
I do wish you all the luck in the world. There is pain on both sides of infidelity. I hope those of you sincerely seeking R will find favor with your BS and a second chance to have the M you both desire. Be blessed.
I hope that you can continue to look inside your self with honesty, and take the necessary steps to heal your self.
[This message edited by Sadmumma at 9:31 PM, May 19th (Monday)]
At a certain point, apologies are just reminders. I would think, by now, he's heard the apologies. Now he needs to figure out if he can trust again. The only way to do that is to be a person worthy of trust. It's not going to happen overnight.
As for this OM... I guess there's no better way to realize how terrible it is to let an OP into a marriage than to see it blow up in your face with that terrible display in the middle of the night. Are the kids safe? Are you safe?
The OM wheedled you into breaking your promise just to meet with you and, to his perspective, give him a chance to plead his case and keep the affair going. In OM's mind, his very sick mind, this was an invitation. And now you see what that caused.
This isn't about being a drama queen, or any silly label. This is about living life 24/7 as the wife a good guy like SWAT deserves. That person would never have allowed herself to open the door again like that.
And, yes, there are a lot of people rooting for both of you.
I needed to see steady steps of doing, in order to gain a small amount of trust.
Learning "to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"