Keep in kind it will be a long path, and a treacherous one. A path loaded with potholes, ditches and riddled with potential wrong turns along the way. It's also important to realize you may occasionally get stuck, but just get back out and keep on pushing forward.
You will also need to really entrench yourself and get ready for a lot coming from SWAT. You'll need to be the strong one through this as he has been hurt. The pain, anger and sadness you see now can potentially hit much, much worse levels in the months to follow. While not all BS's react the same, I'd strongly suggest to put on a mental asbestos suit everyday to fan the flames that may come your way.
I had a lot of disgust, anger and resentment towards my WS and it lasted months. It's normal and part of infidelity, but it's also painful because there is still love, desire and confusion along with it. As long as there is no abuse involved, I'd also suggest it's a healthy part of the healing process, moreso if you can provide a rock-solid anchor of comfort during.
It'll be hard, but if you can suck-it-up and plow forward, you'll be in the best shape to help save not only yourself but potentially your marriage as well.
Kudos for you for seeking help, support and healing. Good luck to you!
Live authentically, starting today. Your integrity is really all you have. You've received good advice here.
Again, good thoughts sent you and your husband's way.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
Owl I again want to thank you. I'm trying to adjust my thinking and I don't want to hurt him anymore. It is just that I don't think that way. I'm not trying to hide or lie about what I did. I just didn't think to try to explain it to him.
And that is what you need to change.
Just keep working on it every single day. No one expects you to be perfect, or never screw up. We just expect you to grow to become a person with integrity. Integrity can be learned, fostered. You can do it.
You made a lot of good decisions today.
So everyone is chatting and planning away and I start to panic. SIL notices and so do several of the other women. SIL and two very good friends excuse us and take me to the restroom. They eventually calm me down and reassure me he wanted me there. They said of course he wants you there and he has mentioned you would be there. When we return to the table I can hear they are talking about me as I overheard "Well she is an idiot, he's hot would you cheat on him?" Of course when we sat back down everyone stopped talking and there was an awkward silence for a moment and then we resumed talking and planning.
After lunch I asked SIL if she heard what they said. SIL looked confused and said she didn't hear anything. So I was sitting here and I got angry, what else did they say about me? What are they going to do? I told myself to stop and take a deep breath. I thought so they gossiped, not too long ago you would have done the same thing. Then I remembered I'm not the victim in this, I didn't get hurt by Swat. I guess this is just another consequence of my action. Not pleasant but completely real. I'm expecting some 2x4's so let's hear it.
I'm expecting some 2x4's so let's hear it.
You got them already from the planning party
This is what it made you realize
Then I remembered I'm not the victim in this, I didn't get hurt by Swat. I guess this is just another consequence of my action. Not pleasant but completely real
Life lesson learned
This would be better if your concerns were communicated with Swat. A private conversation where you can ask him what he thinks and wants and then you can respect his wishes.
I truly believe you want to grow beyond and be a better person. You are making great strides.
You made yourself centre of attention and the talking point of the day by needing to be whisked off to the bathroom and calmed down. You need to learn to soothe yourself. You need a calm, rational internal monologue reminding you what you later realised... that you are not the victim, SWAT is and people talking about you is a consequence of your A. You need to learn to do this at the time when these situations arise so that you do not need to seek validation from elsewhere and be the centre of attention.
You handle your insecurities by taking pride in living authentically, by working hard to change yourself and fix your shit.
You can do it! I'm rooting for you, SWAT and your whole family.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I'm trying very hard to get to the point where I can completely let go if the outcome of my cheating. But realizing I ruined what is in essence thirty years of my life isn't easy. To think I threw it all away. My decisions have hurt so many people and relationships it boggles my mind. How could I not realize what I was doing?
Do you realize that by your reaction at the lunch, you once again made yourself the center of attention?
You have just imploded your marriage, why are you out having lunch with friends, going to social events where you perceived some woman flirting with SWAT? I realize life must continue, but I believe you have a lot of work to do...with yourself and your IC.
And I am afraid that the party at your house is only going to compound your need to be the focus of everyone's attention. It appears to be what gives you energy.
Find your energy from within. Focus on you. Fix yourself first. Quit looking to everyone else to soothe your anxiety.
If you want to save this marriage, you have to be the wife your husband deserves and stop focusing on yourself.
I'm glad you admitted this panic attack and recognize it's a problem, but, instead, think of how aggravating this must be for everyone around you. Instead of you being a rock to anchor your marriage, people are having to comfort you for the fallout you created all by yourself. That's just odd.
What do you really want? A marriage, or a caretaker who can comfort you and take away your guilt?
FRM and how is it manipulative when he doesn't know. My SIL and my goodfriends won't tell him. They know it's my issue to deal with. I guess I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Swat doesn't know I had an anxiety attack and if I tell him, I'm manipulating him, right? But if I don't tell him, I'm lying by not being honest and transparent, right? Could some other people tell him absolutely. And when I say I panicked it isn't like I completely freaked out. I started choking a little and was starting to hyperventilate and SIL just said let's go to the bathroom.
I'm not trying to be argumentative. But explain to me how this situation benefits me at all.
I agree, this was about the drama/center of attention again.
Might want to start getting the part where you figure out why you felt it was ok and justified to have an affair. HINT: it isn't the first few reasons you've given for why. Those were you rationalizing and blame-shifting. Get to the honest to goodness reasons and then some real change will start happening.
They eventually calm me down and reassure me he wanted me there. They said of course he wants you there and he has mentioned you would be there.
You created a situation where three other women had to escort you to the bathroom to calm you down. They had to reassure you, soothe you and validate you. You, you, you. At no point did you think about how SWAT might feel about the picnic, only about how upset you would be if he didn't want you there.
A simple conversation with SWAT would have sorted it all out, it shouldn't take three other women to soothe you. You need to learn to do it yourself.
I just got back from having lunch with SIL and several other female friends. We were talking and were discussing what they were going to bring to our annual memorial day party. This is something BH and I have done for several years now. There were about 19 of us and the conversation was lively. The it hit me, Swat hasn't even mentioned the party to me once. I know the party is on since Swat made several invitations to some of his newer coworkers. This is something we have always planned together, so now I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't think I'm going to be there or if he even wants me there.
Then you say
We were having a lunch to plan a picnic.
In the second quote it sounds as if the intention of the lunch was to plan to picnic, but the original one is about you coming to the realization that SWAT hadn't discussed this annual picnic with you at all - thus causing the panic attack.
As far as how it is manipulation, look back on the conversation you had with your mother/sister-in-law a few nights ago (seems like longer though, huh?). They told you the many ways you seek to be the center of attention where ever you are. And at some point you said that not feeling like you were the center with SWAT led you to an affair. This is something to work on.
(no one is pointing fingers, just pointing things out to help you)
There's still a big part of you that bounces through life like a pinball, reacting rather than acting. The OM wanted you, so you reacted. SWAT is planning the weekend party without consulting you, so you reacted.
You only stop moving and reacting when people take the time to comfort you. Or when you go down the center drain, which means your marriage goes down the drain.
You might have an extra ball here, so to speak. But to ensure that doesn't go right back down the drain, you need to start controlling your movement without help.
This situation doesn't benefit you. But as long as you constantly react, with force, to everything around you, you can't be a stable part of a marriage.
FRM and how is it manipulative when he doesn't know.
I'm not picking a fight with you, just pointing out some things I notice. You inadvertently let it slip to your IC about SWAT'S posts. Up until this point you were able to read them until he told you to stop. Now you and your IC are reading them with certain restrictions.
Don't get me wrong, reading each other's posts can be beneficial,but it is also a two-edged sword. You may read something you don't like and you can also use posts against each other.
You admitted to using SWAT'S posts in the past to manipulate a situation. I realize you have remorse. You have also had 30 plus years to
perfect your old coping skills and they just don't go away in a matter of weeks. They creep back up on you without you realizing it.
I see honest effort, but I also see a bit of manipulation tied in. Before you do something, in regards to reconciliation, think about why you are doing it. Are you doing it for you?
Are you doing it for SWAT or are you doing it for the marriage?
Why did you panic at the party?
You know for a fact that SWAT is still on the fence about reconciling now.
You have known up until now that he didn't really want to be around you.
Why would he not wanting you at a Memorial Day gathering make you panic?
These are just some things I'm questioning.
They may just be speculation on my part.
I get what your saying. I'm think I'm pushing for things. The best I can describe it is I don't want a divorce and I'm pushing too hard to not break up my marriage. I'm pushing to get better and I'm skipping some steps.
I'm really scared and confused right now. I am trying to get better and be more independant but I can also feel him slipping away. I know I need to let him go and get better, I want him happy and whole again. But I honestly want it to be with me not someone else. I know I lost that right and that hurts so bad. I'm having a hard time just thinking about what he needs without imposing my wants.
The party is an annual event with the exception of last year.(he was in the hospital) We agreed I would move back home last night but we haven't really talked about much since he got home. He is shut off from everyone but the kids. Here I was planning this party and it hit me. He has not said one word about it, I know its happening. Why has he not talked about it to me? Everyone at the table knew of my affair and as I looked around everyone seemed happy and I felt like a fraud who was faking it.
For a couple,of bucks, you can rent the movie, I imagine.
Lesson: don't be Scarlett at the Memorial Day party.
No smiley face. Because this advice is serious.