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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: is it common to not have SO read posts? BS and WS welcome
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been noticing that some members who have SO on SI have set limits that each should not read the others posts.

If you and your SO are both members of SI how have you chosen to approach this and why?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When BS and I first joined we found it very helpful to read each other's posts because it usually helped us gain more insight into the way we were each feeling and we'd discuss the post and the feedback from the members.

Sometimes it was difficult, to see it all out there in black and white and sometimes the posts caused very heated moments. But I guess that was helpful, too, because we learned how to muddle through them.

For me, it helped me to post and then discuss later because it's easier for me to articulate and get my feelings out in writing than it is to say them.

Our rule was not to post on each other's threads because we wanted us each to have our own safe place to get support, and this also helped us to have to discuss things face to face.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37614 | Registered: Sep 2007
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When JM joined, there were a couple of things I wanted to keep in mind. First, I wanted this forum to be a safe place for him. I knew that if he wanted help, he had to be honest, and needed to know I wasn't going to put the hammer down on him over something he posted here.

I also did not want to hurt him with the very raw feelings that I still shared in General.

So, our boundaries were that I would not post on any of his threads in the WS forum. He was aware that anything I posted in Recon, OT or F&G was fair game, but that anything in General was "read at own risk." We also agreed that we would not bring up the other's thread in conversation, because we wanted to be able to use SI to work through stuff without fighting over it. As our communication improved and our M began to heal, we loosened the boundaries up a little bit.

It has been wonderful for us and I'm not sure we would have made it if he hadn't reached out here for help.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife is on the forum. shes only posted a few times, however. she plans on that changing once her work commitments slow down and once we have finished her timeline together (we spend alot of time on that). however, she can read anything i post and i can read anything she posts. there isnt anything ive posted that i havent said to her.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2014
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS knows my screen name reads the forums and reads my posts. But, she doesn't want me to know her screen name or if she posts or not. So, I respect her privacy.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 225 | Registered: Jan 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We typically don't post on each other's threads. Often if I am going to post something it has been talked about beforehand, but I may warn him that I have posted something that will be triggery for him, so read at his own risk. We often discuss what we have written, we know that this is our safe place to say what we need, and get feed back.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda. I wonder if the honesty quotient might go up considerably if we all truly anonymous

Posts: 204 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda.
Eh not me. I don't have time for that and crap communication was an issue for us. If I wanna talk to QS about something, ima open up and let fly. I don't sensor, or manipulate. Don't have interest in it. How would manipulating my posts help me/him heal in the long run eh? I prefer being honest and forthcoming.

I have no problem with QS seeing my posts. Sometimes I have a thought or idea, and I'm still trying to understand it and make sense of it, and I ask him to stay off my thread till I get it figured out. When I'm done mulling it all over, we talk. Then he reads my thread. Then we talk some more.

There have been times where he's read my threads or my writing as I'm still figuring it out. Got a little messy. So our current deal works for us.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6233 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading each others posts really helped us. Most things were talked about ahead of time, but if they weren't, we'd let the other know that there was something new we needed to discuss.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37184 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
remorsefulww
♀ Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH isn't a member, but he has full access to whatever I post.

"Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda. I wonder if the honesty quotient might go up considerably if we all truly anonymousy"

we are all here for help and in order to get the help and advice we have to be completely honest to ourselves and others. Afterall we are all anonymous, so why try and spin things to go our way?


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough one.

My BH is also a member. He's actually the reason I know about this site. I stopped reading his threads in JFO very early on. My emotional health was suffering greatly, and I couldn't stomach the comments made by other users. There may come a day when I am brave enough, but for now, I have no idea if he is actively posting or not.

I know that he reads my posts. There is no wish on my part to keep secrets, and I am glad that he can see what I am talking about. My communication skills are still not very good. I often don't know how to share what I'm thinking, and as others have said, sometimes it helps me to sort out my thoughts by posting here. The next step for me is then talking about it with BH. I'm still afraid, and still allow that fear to stop me when I should be acting.

My IC and I are working on those issues as well.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 392 | Registered: Dec 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to t/j but I can't help but wonder if some people post knowing their SO will read it, and that taints their message to their own agenda. I wonder if the honesty quotient might go up considerably if we all truly anonymous

Not on my end. This is why I have warned him at times if I feel that a particular post of mine will trigger him. Then he has the option of reading it or not. Being authentic and dealing with what I need to deal with is something I have been committed to for quite awhile now.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both here, both read. I don't believe in *partial* honesty. Sometimes messy? Yep. So's life. Communication, open honest communication is the only thing that will save us.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My feelings were and still are pretty raw. He knows my name on here and knows he can read my posts at any time. Everything said here he knows but my venting posts can get pretty bad compared to how I speak to him irl. I tend to tone down the cursing irl.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2742 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both here, both read. I don't believe in *partial* honesty. Sometimes messy? Yep. So's life. Communication, open honest communication is the only thing that will save us.

Ditto. I know it seems to work for some people to not read each other's post, but that would not work for me. No secrets.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH reads (I think) my posts. I'm ok with that. I warn him if there is something I think there's something that might be tough for him to read.

He's only posted on here once. I wish he would post more and I'd be happy to stay out but I don't think it's something he's comfortable with and I'm not forcing the issue.

Eta: I think if you're working on R and there is at least some level of trust, it can be very beneficial.

[This message edited by AML04 at 12:34 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBF and I have decided at this time I will not read his posts because his emotions are still raw. I betrayed his trust so why does he want to share with someone he can't trust. SI is his way to deal with things and vent because he doesn't want to share everything with me. I understand that so I am respecting him and giving him that time. When he is ready and is okay to let me read, he will let me know. As for me, he doesn't read mine, but he says he doesn't care to. It's like my journal and he doesn't want to read it.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your replies. I didnt really have an actual point with this post, I was just curious.

My BH is also on this site but doesn't post often. He reads my posts occasionally though and i have no problem with it. I think it has helped.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've never had a conversation about it to be honest but:

My BH is also on this site but doesn't post often. He reads my posts occasionally though and i have no problem with it. I think it has helped.

This is basically our situation also.


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my BW was on the site our agreement was that we can read each others post, not not post each others threads.

It was hard to read when she was venting, and at a certain point I stopped reading her post.

I also had to be careful, because at first I posted knowing she was going to read my threads, so during the first month or so my post were just bullshit...I was trying to make myself look really good, etc. She called me on that and I stopped doing it.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Topic Posts: 22
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