I'm constantly surprised by how others have forged a different path through this than me. It makes me look at how I do things and wonder if I have it right or wrong.
I know I'm a cynical person by nature but there are just wonderings. My husband met OW2 at a business function that she organizes. she still organizes it. Hubby doesn't even go. I wonder why this is ok with her BS.
I wonder why the BS of my husband's AP haven't beat the shit out of him or at least threatened him. He did mine.
So then I wonder if others have put what happened in a better perspective then me. I constantly check my perspective against others. But what I've learned through 2.5 years of this - trust myself. If I'm pissed I'm pissed. If I want respect then ask for it. If I'm not that positive when others are so be it.
I've had some really great days with hubby lately. But last night I was up at 3:45 after a bad dream and angry as hell.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
Just my take on it from what you said in your post but OW2 and her BH are rug sweeping. Immediate results, happy family everything is just fine here! But I bet my life it won't last long because the foundations are missing.
Recovery is not linear, you'll have good and bad times, ups and downs. Keep going, you'll get there.
My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I was abandoned by my mother on and off throughout my life (my grandmother brought me up for the first 6 years of my life, then I was with my mom - but it was a very up and down relationship, she died of anorexia+alcoholism in 2008) My father walked out of my life after I spent a holiday with him, being abused by his step-children the entire time, at age 11 and I have never seen or heard from him again... there was other stuff too. But my point is, these things definitely colour my reaction to my fWS' infidelity. My IC said that I am quite obviously bringing the trauma from my past into this current trauma.
By nature I am a rather intense, highly-strung, detail oriented kind of person and that shows in my coping methods with this too.
It's all very individual.
But what I've learned through 2.5 years of this - trust myself. If I'm pissed I'm pissed. If I want respect then ask for it. If I'm not that positive when others are so be it.
^^ makes so much sense.
I have to keep on reminding myself that I am not on the fast-track, accelerated course in recovery.. I am more of a plodder, an under-achiever, but I'll get there eventually!
[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 7:57 AM, May 19th (Monday)]
It's good to hear that you got there. Comparing yourself to others and doubting your own instincts is a sure way to fail in life. It;s always a great thing to seek advice from people who have been there, but at the end of the day only you really know your life and what is right for you.
I think sometimes around here it gets far to easy to focus on what is the same in our situations while ignoring what is different. No two people are the same. No two relationships are the same. how can any two affairs be the same?
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
You know the answer already, you cannot compare your journey to any other.
Although the paths we take all look the same there are different twists and turns unique to each of us.
You will get to where you need to be. When you are done being pissed, when you feel respected, when you feel safe....you will get there when YOUR time is right.
He said he forgot and that I'm just looking for bad things to get mad about. I said he was deciding things for me after I expressed a need and that is so disrespectful.
He said he misses 90% of his meetings because he doesn't want to see anyone that he'd have to tell me about. And that he doesn't know what to tell me - do I want him to say he saw 5 hot girls at Yoga?
I recall posting, during the early days of discovery, that my WH could remain in my life as long as he lived by my rules. A person commented that R would not go well for me.
3+ years out and I have proven them wrong. I have been one of the few who continues to live with a deeply remorseful WH. I never dealt with:
I deserved better, I expected better, and I never concerned myself with whether I was doing it right or wrong. I did what I felt I had to do and never feared the outcome. It worked for me.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.