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User Topic: Two sociopaths in a row.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I ended up with two sociopaths in a row. My psychoX was actually seen and diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies, and after describing the interactions to my new counselor, he feels that my last husband (the WS that brought me here) also shows sociopathic tendencies. And the WS's mom called me yesterday. We talked for an hour. I am convinced he is a total predator at this point. He uses women for sex and money. And then moves on. And his favorite prey are single women with young or disabled children, because they are most vulnerable.

His mother is a mess, from dealing with her son. She sees that he just uses her for her money and doesn't even care about her when she is ill, but she still loves him because he is her son. She and his sister are still very angry at what he did to me and it actually felt very good to have their support. But he is now living with another woman (I believe she is an immigrant so she is vulnerable) and she also has a disabled child (double vulnerable.) He is using her for her money, she was working, and now she is going on disability and will have a steady check, which he uses to buy extravagant things. My ex MIL also told me that he was hitting on one of her friends, and making inappropriate comments about wanting to see her in a bikini.

I am so glad I am away from him. OTOH, I am so angry at myself for making the same mistake twice. I know I was extremely vulnerable when he preyed on me (I was in the middle of a long-drawn out divorce with the 1st sociopath where he was trying to take my children away from me,get me thrown in jail, financially bankrupt me, tell me he wanted to kill me and destroy me, and make me lose my home and my sanity. He played mind games on me, and I believe I had a temporary breakdown during the process because looking back, my thinking was quite abnormal for me and I know that is where I received my PTSD).

So I am upset at myself even though I know I need to forgive myself for being weak for a while due to the stress and fear from the sociopath. When my knight in shining armor (retired cop and police chief/firefighter) rode up claiming to love me and support me and help me fight this creature, I had no other support at the time so I jumped at it.

I am now paying the price financially and somewhat still mentally, but most of the mental has gotten better and I think I just have these last vestiges of anger and disappointment in myself to work thru. (And of course, extreme anger at him for preying on vulnerable women and their children.)

It feels good to write this out while I am trying to make sense of it. Thanks for listening.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15240 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with you about the anger at myself. It isn't white hot rage anymore but the thick black tar taste of regret still burns at my mouth. Especially when I think about it.

My father was a scumbag and I married a guy just like him. The difference being that the abuse in my M wasn't delivered with fists and my life wasn't in danger.

I told myself it wasn't abuse - even when I reverted to coping mechanisms from my childhood. Even when friends and family tried to talk to me about how unhappy I was. I kept telling myself it wasn't abuse.

I didn't want to be my mum. I didn't want to have made the same mistake.

I knew better. I was forged in steel - way too smart and way too strong for this. She was an ignorant, dependant, unworldly child when she let this man into her life. I was a formidable, wordly and independent grown woman. I would have seen it coming a mile away. For sure.

Yet I was my mum. I still can't quite believe it.

The self anger is normal. It is a part of the grieving process.

My IC described it as I've seen it described here - the 'connection' I felt to him was familiarity. It itched a scratch somewhere of my unresolved FOO. Different enough in so many ways but fundamentally the same. I was looking for the wrong red flags.

If he had struck me once don't know if he would have left the room intact. Yet I allowed him to emotionally abuse me for almost a decade. I didn't do it passively - it looked like it from the outside but internally a war was raging. I told myself it really wasn't as bad as it felt. But it was. It so was.

I try not to focus on the regret and self flagellation and instead focus on addressing WTF is wrong with me that I gravitated to this guy, stayed with him and had children with him.

TBH the sociopaths are hard to spot because they're so good at acting like normal human beings. Usually like everything you ever dreamed of. The changes are so subtle and the abuse is trickled so slowly you start doubting your sanity. As it escalates so does your tolerance to it. It becomes your new normal. Then another dip then THAT becomes your new normal.

I watched this happen with my parents. It watched it escalate. I was only 10 but I knew it was wrong. What I didn't know was how he had preyed on her and wooed her. That is all she chose to remember. I did the same thing.

Be gentle with yourself. Don't kick your arse - channel this into working on yourself and developing your emotional tools. I can't change the past but I am in charge of my future. Right now being alone feels like my safest option. But there will come a day when I am healed and armed with healthy coping mechanisms and emotional tools that I've been missing all of my life.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5572 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB, thanks for your story. I too felt that I was too strong, too smart, too independent to be "conned". The psychoX was different than other guys I had dated, but there was something familiar about him, or something that made me feel comfortable with him. At least for a while. He never did hit me, but he was psychologically and emotionally abusive, threw things, screamed at me, drove like a maniac, and played very manipulative mind-games. He was very sarcastic and emotionally distant sometimes (those 2 he had in common with my dad).

I can understand why I was susceptible to the 2nd one, I was so vulnerable at that time. But I still keep thinking, damn it! I should have known better. I should have handled it all on my own, but you know what? I was over my head. I had no prior dealings with a sociopath until I married the psychoX. And I had no coping skills to deal with someone that intentionally meant me harm. In my world, real people didn't do that. I remember when he told me he wanted to choke the life out of me, and he was so calm about it, I blocked that memory for years. I ignored his comment, thinking, "he doesn't mean it, real people don't say that type of stuff" and then I went up and cooked supper and tucked it away in my brain.

TBH the sociopaths are hard to spot because they're so good at acting like normal human beings.
Yes, especially #2 (although he was a little larger than life normal, but we have other public servants in our family and I am used to the bravado and stories.....) but some of his were a bit over the top. I just chalked it up to him liking to entertain people and be the life of the party.....

I'm not attracted to these types of personalities anymore. It seems once I discovered why I was attracted to emotionally distant men, I wasn't anymore (although it did take a few months for that change to click.) So I'm not worried about the new relationship and this issue. I've healed enough to value emotional closeness and the work that goes into that. I'm not as afraid of that closeness as I used to be. But I anger so easily right now, and I know most of that is my anger at myself, for letting my financial guard down especially, and the guilt that I drug my children thru 2 unhealthy partners in a row. I don't know how to forgive myself for that one.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 2:03 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15240 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NL)))

You must forgive yourself, because it's the only way to heal; and because you have already gotten such a beating from your circumstances, that why should you pile on further by beating yourself up?

This really rings a bell for me:

And I had no coping skills to deal with someone that intentionally meant me harm. In my world, real people didn't do that.

I was vulnerable because I assumed people wouldn't lie to their loved one and valued honesty and caring. Now I see that's a dangerous assumption in some cases and I can try to adjust accordingly...but I assumed it because I am a good, truthful person, and fuck being guilty over that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so angry at myself for making the same mistake twice. I know I was extremely vulnerable when he preyed on me


(((NaiveAgain)))

Please know that you're not alone. I, too, am having trouble forgiving myself for getting involved with a sociopath. He charmed his way into my life and still being vulnerable, I allowed it. Somehow him being a retired police officer and him telling me that he sought "truth and justice" made me believe he was a decent guy. Nothing could be further from the truth! He's an assclown!

I can't believe I allow myself to fall for his antics. But I did. I see this as a lesson learned and I will NEVER allow an idiot like that in my life again. I only wish I could warn his future "victims".

Please don't beat yourself up over it. We have dealt with so much trauma after D-day. Most of us are left vulnerable for some time afterwards. We're only human.

You're a tremendous help here on SI, NaiveAgain. Your life experiences are helping countless others...myself included. I so appreciate you baring your soul and sharing your life stories with us.

You have helped me immensely!


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that these "men" have done this to you. It definitely detracts from us men who actually believe in respecting a woman and treating them as they should be treated.

Hold yourself up high...there are good men out there!


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 768 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your post, and I'm struggling to put my thoughts into words. I think I could very easily end up in your situation telling a similar story. My ex was ... Something. I don't know if he was a sociopath, but he was very manipulative. Not just with basic lies, but in making me feel like it was all my fault. He monitored every thing I did on my phone and computer without me knowing, and then would use that information to control me. When I would get courage to leave, he would tell me that I'd never find someone to love me like he did. And I believed him. He never hit me, but he did force himself on me sexually. And I've never typed that before. Escaping it was hard. And I'm still not over it. I still think about him and fight the temptation to contact him.

Looking back at the beginning, I didn't see the red flags. He moved fast, so I avoid men who move fast now. But I wouldn't know how to spot it again, and I've already ended up in another thing where I'm questioning mysrlf.

So instead of being mad at yourself, I think you should be proud of yourself. You escaped. You survived. You see it now, and you're able to recognize the signs. Help other women in your situation. I recently submitted an application to volunteer at the women's shelter because I want to help victims of abuse. Maybe helping other people will help you to let go of some of your anger. You didnt do anything wrong. You're a survivor.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow SBB. You just told my story.
eerie.
Especially your reflection of being 10 yrs and realizing your dad's behavior was wrong but you didn't understand how he could have woo-ed her. That was the part we, as adults, have now learned... having lived through it ourselves.

I also didn't want to be my mum. I didn't want to have made the same mistake....

My mom stayed M...I knew how that story ended. When ex's abuse escalate to the point where I wasn't physically safe I was able to instead opt for D (and that story had a better ending!)


Posts: 490 | Registered: Jun 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assumed it because I am a good, truthful person, and fuck being guilty over that.
Right. I need to make that sink in. I know I have nothing to feel guilty over.

You're a tremendous help here on SI, NaiveAgain. Your life experiences are helping countless others...myself included. I so appreciate you baring your soul and sharing your life stories with us.

You have helped me immensely!

That made me cry (in a good way). I really needed to hear that, because at least, I can use my experience in a positive way, and if it does help others, then it isn't all a loss.....

Hold yourself up high...there are good men out there!
Thank you. I know that...there are a lot of good men here on SI! It is hard to not let 2 idiots skew my vision of men but I do have wonderful male friends and a good SO right now.

LonelyGirl...thanks for your courage in typing what you typed. and....

He moved fast, so I avoid men who move fast now
Yeah, I've learned that many sociopaths do that. There are guys that are not sociopaths that also do that, but it is a trigger for me and doesn't seem very healthy to me, so for me, I avoid. Psycho #2 did that. He told me he loved me our first date. (I kept thinking....how can you love me...you don't even know me...must be infatuation....we'll see what happens....) But I disregarded it instead of seeing that as a warning sign.
So instead of being mad at yourself, I think you should be proud of yourself. You escaped. You survived. You see it now, and you're able to recognize the signs. Help other women in your situation
Thank you. Yes. I am a survivor. I will get thru all this. And I am making a career out of helping others in tough situations. I am in school to be a counselor. 1 1/2 years left!

PhoenixRisen...

When ex's abuse escalate to the point where I wasn't physically safe I was able to instead opt for D
Good for you for getting away!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15240 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't this the core of healing? To see the mistakes we made in picking the partners we did, in ignoring the warning signs and insisting to ourselves it was fine when it wasn't, and coming to a place of deep understanding, self love anyway?

It's one thing to have confidence and self love when things go well, it's incredibly powerful to reach this place on the other side of trauma. You are well on your way, NA, and your strength and perseverance will benefit many.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
meredith132
♀ Member
Member # 41593
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow the "drove like a maniac" comment sent chills. ~I would grip the door for dear life and he would have a go at me for not relaxing and I felt like I was over reacting! wow they are pieces of work aren't they? xx

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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