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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Other BS opinions on somethings...
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so I am 8+ months out from dday. My WH is doing just about everything right, no contact with OW, texts me when he is late leaving work, helps around the house more, very affectionate, better sex, trying to be more open, but there are some things that bother me.

Here is a little back history... I got a lot of TT for about 4 months until I contacted OW. They worked together and she ended up getting shit canned for harassing a coworker . Since he hung her out to dry at work I figure she'd spill everything and she did.

He came clean on some things but I still think there is more, maybe not physical stuff but things he said to her/plans made and the number of times they met. He claims he never said he loved her and never kissed her. Oral Sex took place and she straddled him in his vehicle. Yeah, I know what your thinking ..... Oral and no kiss? Yes I have called bullshit too but have not gotten anywhere on that.

So here is what bothers me..

* I've asked him to write me a letter about how he feels with the affair, me, her etc. I got nothing.
* I asked him to read "After the Affair" months ago... He read maybe 1/3.
*No Valentines card or Mothers Day card.
* He's never once started a discussion about the affair or her with me. I alway start them.

*I've written lengthy text message and receive short responses, or responses that left me exepcting/wanting more of a response.

All of this makes me wonder about him. I've expresses how I feel about each of the items about and he says he will try more. But nothing has changed . We are not in IC and I'm not sure if it would help. The nearest IC counselor is 2+hours away.

When we first dated he wrote me tons of lengthy letters.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but there are some things that bother me

I am pulling stuff from a post unfound wrote last week.

My husband is great BUT

He gives me what I need BUT

I love him and want to R BUT

BUT does not belong in R, your husband appears to be doing just enough....

Is this acceptable to you?

Do you want R BUT

or do you want to truly heal?

You have to lay down the law on what you need, decide what is enough and what isn't.

After only 8 months I would expect your husband to still be doing cartwheels to prove and show his love/desire to save the marriage.

He is doing some things right...BUT

Decide what you need, write it out, do it in MC if needed, but let him know when you expect these things done by and that his lackluster performance is not what you would expect from someone trying to save their marriage!!

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:16 AM, May 19th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everything karma says. You need to draw the line in the sand about what's acceptable to you. He may be remorseful about the affair but that doesn't equal all his wayward behaviour being fixed! Call him on his crap, tell him what's acceptable and what will happen if he doesn't fulfil.


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doing just about everything right

Nope, he's picking and choosing what HE is comfortable doing.

nothing has changed

Why doesn't he care about your needs?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3161 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Your responses are helping to clear my fog.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some WS are model WS's.

Many are not.

Slow to break off their A.

Find regret but not remorse.

Grieve the loss of their AP.

Fail to recognize or care about the hurt they have caused their spouse and their family.

Fence sitting....maybe spending more time to figure out how they can keep their fantasy way of coping alive then how to either repent and repair or D.

I experienced this for the first 8 months after DD#1.

22 months out things are MUCH improved.

180 is a process that will result in healthy fruit being harvested.

Don't know your back story....but I will tell you that my own brokenness had me making all kinds of excuses for my wifes horribly destructive actions as well as had me finding books for her, signing us up for MC, etc. etc. etc.

It wasn't until I completely shattered (a process outlined in a great book I read) from my wife that I actually started to heal.


Keep posting. We have your back.

Do you have an IC? A RL relationship friendly female friend to hang with?

A key to processing through this is to reach outside of yourself....and not towards your husband while he continues to exhibit wayward patterns and desires.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you blakesteele

I guess I need to buck up and find myself more and quit trying to seek things he is either not ready to give, or may never will.

I need to get off the fence for me and start living again.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OneBrokenGirl)))

Don't forget to be patient with YOURSELF!

We can be our own worst enemy.

Pace yourself as you enter this journey of self discovery....this is a marathon, not a sprint.

I feel your pain....I was where you are at once....I still remember.

That whole "forgive and forget" thing? Yeah, thats not healthy. It is through experiences that we grow.

Believe it or not....you are growing RIGHT NOW!

"I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I was!"

Is a quote from Joyce Meyers that has helped me pace my ownself through this process.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:24 AM, May 19th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OBG I am right where you are.

WH is doing some things but not all I need. It sucks because he's doing enough to get by but not enough to make a huge difference. And because of that my thoughts of D come with feelings of guilt.

I feel for you and I'm right there with you. It does sound like he's only doing the things he wants to do just like my WH.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 361 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day I feel I am doing most of the work for our marriage and R.

-I'm working at being more "approachable." Although I think this was just one of his excuses for the affair but I am not writing it off either because I am trying to learn about me more and not him.

- Less controlling. I realized I can't control his irresponsibilities. I can only control me and how I respond to them.

- Trying things he likes to do. Before I wrote them off, mainly because of his lies and covering up things that had to do with his likes. aka selfish and overspending for stuff then lying about it. Not until I had the receipt in my hand would he own up.... Same behavior he had with the affair which changed when I contacted OW. Again "proof in my hand. "

And today I signed up for a gym membership. Yay me. Time to drop a few pounds and some stress. Hello summer :)

[This message edited by OneBrokenGirl at 1:51 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust your gut.

If I said anything to bother that, TRUST YOUR GUT.

If there is more, your "Gut instincts" will guide you through. Ignore what he says. If you "feel" he isn't being completely honest, he is not. You have been with him long enough to know him.

I can only guess that he has a ways to go, but I can also guess that you are wise to him at this point.

After all that I have been through, I can see that he hopes to get one more over on you. He hopes that he can just keep cheating and slag while you wait patiently in the wings.

He needs a HARD wake up call.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Furious1

There is something there that keeps bothering me so I am trusting my gut.

It's like he is different now, more confident in a sublet way. Almost like he knows he "can" get someone else now and he pulled one over on me and got away with it.

Not too long also I told him I think we should call it quits. I said I can't keep going through this crap emotionally anymore, and his response was "okay cool."

[This message edited by OneBrokenGirl at 4:44 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has plenty of time to play games on his phone or watch Netflix but not do more for our marriage on his own.

He thinks he understands why it happened. And all that contributed to the cause affair from his past.

FOG? I wonder if I should have just kicked him out. maybe I still should.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may be remorseful about the affair but that doesn't equal all his wayward behaviour being fixed!

^^^This. And I think it is a rare WS that can dig deep enough without IC. And alone or with counseling, they need to WANT to change. Not just talk the talk. Sadly if he doesn't do the work, the chances of his repeating the behaviors is high.

My H had an A 13 years before the one I found out about (I found out about that first one after the 2nd one). He said he told himself back then that it would never happen again. But it did. And I have to trust that there were only 2 A's - 13 years apart. It's tough.

My point being, he has work on himself. And I mean really work. He needs to commit to finding out what at his core he was trying to fill and why he needed to go outside his M to fill that void. Counseling an absolute no - then he needs to commit to reading. He needs to commit to finding support - either on line (SI?), IRL (church maybe. Minimum of weekly meetings with you, uninterrupted where you guys really TALK about it ALL. We did this and it was very helpful.

Good luck. This is hard enough with a WS who is willing to do the heavy lifting.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6632 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm another BS in the same boat.

My WH is clearly committed to our family. He instantly chose me on D-day - there was never a doubt in his mind.

BUT

He still minimizes what he did (oh, there was no actual sex and no emotional attachment, it was 'only' flirting that didn't mean anything) - because he feels it was only a minor indiscretion, he therefore only feels a minor amount of remorse.

He has been doing a lot in terms of looking after the kids and not expecting me to do a lot of housework, and understanding I need to rest.

BUT the emotional work seems 'too hard' for him. He has admitted he's lazy when it comes to this stuff. He'd rather read the football news than read stuff on SI. He'll go to counseling, but only because I insist. He'll talk about stuff with me, but he'd rather not.

Our marriage is very important to him (especially and perhaps mainly because of our kids) but he's just not a very proactive WS.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneBrokenGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband's response to my questioning his lack of doing more for our marriage... writing me a letter, responding to texts more in depth, etc was that he "didn't want it seem fake and over the top."

Even without being over the top..... there is still an underlying fakeness to our marriage now. I'll always wonder what he says and does is" real. "


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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