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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Those posts that sting...
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


There was a post last week that was spot on, and I suspect would have been an aha moment for some if they took the time to examine the words that were said....but only a few people commented and it fell quickly off to page 2.

You know the ones I am talking about.

The posts that speak the truth, that make you angry, make you want to tell the poster to go jump off the bridge.

The post that you walk away from because it is easier to do than to face the truth.

I suggest you go back to that post. That's the one you should be reading. The things that are tough to face, the truth you have in front of you....but it is easier to skip to a post and vent along with someone else.

Venting, being pissed off, rallying around someone who is having a tough day. Those posts matter too.

But to get to the heart of the matter, to dig deep you have to look at the posts you don't want to read.

Someone else's pain may be bringing out an issue you have. It can cause a reaction, it may be uncomfortable.

R isn't always comfortable, but it should be consistent learning and healing...with a few stops to rest along the way.

The next time you come across a post that brings a reaction, sit with it and see if you can figure out where the reaction is coming from.

You may just find it's a key to unlock a whole new piece of healing for you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

which one was it? Can you bump?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5470 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, please bump


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1366 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well put, kh.

My guess: the thread to which you refer is locked and therefore unbumpable.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:29 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys

actually it doesn't matter what post it is/was.

There are lots of them that go through here. It can be a different post for each person that sets their feelings going.

I just wanted to point out how important it is to come out of your comfort zone.

Don't ignore the posts that hurt your feelings or make you angry, dig through them and find out what it is inside the post that you need to investigate.

Being comfortable may feel better, but that kind of feeling better only lasts so long....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really great thoughts Karma.

There are some threads I walk into and then right back out of, like I've gone into the wrong room. Sometimes it's triggery, sometimes painful to read others pain, and sometimes I just don't have the words. But you're spot on about examining the reasons why.

Thanks for encouraging our growth!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 600 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks karma..
I realize something about myself...I want to feel good being here and I try to post positive thoughts because I so badly want to FEEL positive!
Even as hard the work is I want to move forward....its posts like this and even avoiding the ones that take me out of my comfort zone make me realize the road to recovery is filled with pot holes and even dead end streets...
I will pay more attention...
There are so many wise folks here


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 675 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright Karma, I'll bite. This post has been stinging since you posted it.

Compared to the past, I have been barely posting at all. Why? To be honest, I haven't had an emotional reaction to any posts in a while. Like I'm in some sort of emotional no mans land.

I'm not relating at all to the struggling painful posts because I'm not in pain. My reaction is "you just need to ride it out. The crazy will get better. There is nothing I can say to make it easier"

I'm not relating to the hopeful posts because I'm not really that hopeful. My response is "yea, keep telling yourself its great so you can justify to yourself it was worth it"

Things are OK. Better than I thought they would be but not where I wish they would be. So I guess I'm second guessing everything I have ever posted and I dont want to mislead anyone going forward.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2665 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AFrayed - interesting post...

it's when time goes by that we can reflect back on how far we've come, how much we've learned, and how much we're changed. And that may mean different choices. It's the hardest journey I've been on.

wishing you peace.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5470 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I guess I'm second guessing everything I have ever posted and I dont want to mislead anyone going forward

AFK

You should post what you feel at any given moment. Your posts are thoughtful and R driven.

You move forward and continue to heal yourself. The way you feel one day may not be the same way you feel tomorrow, but what you have to say may touch someone.

Your pain during difficult times could be somebody elses aha moment.

Your realization that you don't feel strong or right will give somebody here inspiration because they look up to you. They know if you feel like crap today then maybe it's ok for them to have a bad day too.

You have written your truth and that's all anyone can ask.

Going through R our truth may change day by day...doesn't mean it isn't worthy of sharing.

When you put your thoughts and worries out there if just one person relates to it, you have helped.

(((Chicho)))

I love your insight, I really do.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are OK. Better than I thought they would be but not where I wish they would be

Isn't that the point? The growing and learning never end. It isn't a matter of how fast you run or how far you go, it's the trip you take.

Get rid of the expectations and enjoy the good that has come from what you have done...it gives us the strength and the courage for the next lap.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma I think you posted once about how R can be similar to yoga. Those stinging posts seem similar too: those poses that you dread or want to come out of right away are the ones you should hold just a little longer. Where there's tension there's the possibility of softening and opening up some space.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jan 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that yoga post could have been mine, Veronique. Leaning into the pain, breathing through it and then leaning in a bit more before finding your way out of the movement.

Always better then just going, "Nope. Too hard!"


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2572 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops, sorry about that! It was a good post!


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jan 2014
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm....yoga....
My yoga instructor has a saying she uses regularly "the pose doesn't start until you want to get out of it"


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2665 | Registered: Aug 2012
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post Karma

It's like you are building a jigsaw puzzle and a person tells you (and knows) "This piece belongs here!" You can't see it yet! The person can't prove it to you yet! This is because there is not enough puzzle constructed yet.

I remember my IC making "inaccurate" or "non-applicable" statements to me early in my recovery. He was required to relocate his work to another city and my closing with him was a bit premature. I want to hug him now. It was like he was offering pieces to my puzzle but he didnt force anything on me at that time because he knew I had to figure it out on my own. He knew I had to come to believe his offerings on my own. Since then I have found many of his offerings to fit my puzzle perfectly.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 795 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j: I like that AFK!

"the pose doesn't start until you want to get out of it"

Maybe a good metaphor for life?

[This message edited by LA44 at 6:21 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2572 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhhh that's awesome still living. Amazing how much of us others can see before we do.

The key is to not stop looking for the fit to the pieces....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the pep talk Karma


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2665 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It must be going around. ..having a shit day here. Not affair related just growth related. I need to take my own advice today.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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