I posted this very same topic in the wayward side and got a lot of great perspectives from all sides.
The pain probably makes me him unable to breathe at times. He probably looks at you and wonders who the heck you are.
He questions that he is still there, wonders why he should stay.
If you were emailing the AP up until last week you were still in the affair, you cared more about the AP's health and well being than you did your husbands God, that hurts, it really hurts. It also has shown him that you were NOT remorseful the last three months and he has been hanging on, while you lied.
Take a moment every day to ask him how he is, ask him what you can do to help him.
Work on you, actively, so he can see it. Show him your pain in hurting him. Right now your words mean nothing...so DO something, to help you and him. Read, post here, talk to him, ask him what he needs.
Have you gotten into IC? If not, I would, today. I hope he gets into his own as well, it will help him.
You can't just sit back and watch him bleed out...pick him up and help carry him right now.
Good luck to you both, I hope you can put the actions into play that help you both move forward and heal through this.
His willingness to be open, not to shy away from the topic (which really was in my mind about 95% of my waking life) was very comforting to me.
I actually asked my WW for this specifically. As others have said, the BS often spends the majority of their time thinking about the A. For me, it is on my mind more that I would like it to be. And I am up and down, not as bad as during the first few weeks, but I can still get really down without much notice. On the other hand, my WW appears more put together on the surface. When I am down she is supportive. But the cycle we were in is that we were only discussing things when I was down. We weren't discussing the A on a good day, even though it's always there.
Thus, I asked her to bring it up, to check in with each other even when things are going well. Knowing on a daily basis that my wife is thinking about the A too. Knowing that she understands and appreciates my struggle and offers support even when I don't need it feels better. I consider this akin to preventative maintenance instead of waiting until I breakdown.
Maybe you were never in a fog and all of what you just posted about the soul mate thing is entirely true. I'm too old to believe that there is only one person in the world for each other person, so maybe what you've said is accurate and not fantasy.
But from the many posts here, successful reconciliation does not involve three people.
Sorry for the two by four, but your response kind of floored me.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 2:36 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
NC. Read "not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." Keep reading here, and hang in there. It is hard, but you have the potential to be so much happier.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:11 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
I edit, therefore I am.