Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Herself (45715)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It's Me Isn't it (Denial is not really a river)
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay,

I think it's really me. So one of the things my ex complained about after we broke up was that I was so busy. I had work and my coaching duties in the winter. Spring I coached my own kids, same with Fall. So after Dday and all the proverbial crap hit the fan she has continued to say (whenever the opportunity presents itself) that I wasn't around enough. My winter coaching duties did have me away some Thursday evenings and weekends in Feb during Post season tournaments. I've also been doing it for 18 years, even before we met. So it wasn't like it was something new. Most evenings I'm home by 5:30 or 6:00. But according to her I was never around.

After she told me that and I had time to process I thought that this was a classic blame shift. She was looking for excuses to make her feel better about cheating and breaking up her family. She never came to me while we were married and complained or ask to talk about it. Note too that she works part time so she always had free time to do whatever she wanted. I would be more than willing to cut back time back when we were married if she had just spoke to me about it. But she didn't, she strayed off and here I am.

Now that I have been dating however, the same topic/issue comes up again. Two people I dated also were concerned about my time. I forgot to add that I have two kids, one of which is on the Autistic Spectrum. I work full time. Plus I try and get into my CrossFit facility 3-4 times per week. I have my kids 50% so that does reduce my time. So my schedule is busy. I state that to anyone I date up front. My winter coaching duties and a coaching duty I took on at CF two days a week pay me some extra money. With two households to support, I need some extra money. But I will also say if I am dating someone and we are together, they have my full attention (aside from text/call from kids of course).

The woman I currently date (4 months now) is starting to state the same thing. She has a teenager and has him about the same nights as I do. So that does give us some free evenings. But she came out of a marriage where her ex was never home, many nights after 8PM. I might be tied up until 5 or 6 depending on work and if I work out in AM vs PM. My days with kids are days I need to try and spend with them. So those are not days we are going to get to spend together alone. She says she is concerned because she feels a little like she did in her marriage. She appreciates the things I do outside of work because most of it involves working with kids. But she was so lonely for so long she doesn't want to feel that way again. I don't want her to feel that way either. She has said she wants to take things one day at a time. That's all I ever do. I'll talk about future plans but at this point, they are just plans. Nothing is ever set in stone. She has a bit of a flight tendency so when things get a little anxious she tends to pull back and potentially look to run. Some how I bring her back to center and calmness. So I know we are good together. But the same reason keeps coming to the surface. Maybe it really is me?

Maybe it's where we are in our lives with kids. Her only child is entering high school. Her original plan was to leave the area when he graduated. My youngest is in elementary school still. So I am here another 10 years to support my daughter.

I'll add in that I live in the marital home. I think some people really struggle with that concept and she is one of them. It's not that I would be opposed to selling and moving. Although I need to stay in my District for my son's sake and my house is right next to school so the location I have is amazing. Heck for the right person I would be willing to demo the house I have and start new if I needed to and could keep the location. So I have to keep that thought in my mind as well.

So I thought all along I would find someone who would accept my busy schedule and know that someday it would just be the two of us. And she even told me that I was so much better than her ex because I'm at least home for dinner almost every night vs him (never home). But it sounds like it is still not quite good enough for what she wants. Time will tell but I'm actually starting to believe my ex was right. And that would suck.

So I guess I've vented enough. I'd be happy to detail my schedule if someone thinks it is necessary. But I would assume many of us with kids are busy. Plus if we are forced to be 50% parents, our free days are dedicated to getting things done at our houses, work outs or other things for ourselves and finally for our fun times (be it dating or other events). But like I said in the beginning, maybe it was me all along?

I'm totally prepared for 2x4's if necessary. Just swing lightly.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if it is worth it to even debate your current schedule. You know it is full, etc. Many people run at full kilt++, etc.

I think what is crucial to recognize is she is telling you this is an issue for her due to her own needs and history. She is being very honest with you of what she wants in a current partner.

You need to be equally as honest about what you are able to do and give. It is unfair to both of you if you can't find a happy medium.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2245 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you are showing her is that everything else comes first. That is the problem. Many of us, me included, had ex's that were never around. Everything took a priority over the marriage. My answer wasn't to cheat, but to try and talk to him…so your ex cheating over the issue isn't your fault.

The deal is…there may not be a "future" when you aren't busy. Busy people like to be busy and always have something that is a priority over the relationship. All you really have is today. If you don't want to put the relationship at a higher priority, then you won't. It means something to her, and doesn't mean as much to you. If you don't want to change your schedule, then find someone who is as busy as you are and won't mind your schedule. You are triggering her, which she needs to own, but it may also be an incompatibility too.

I want someone to put the relationship in the top 3. That is part of what I tell guys I date…I am looking for a healthy, supportive relationship.

With current guy, after our first date I knew he was super busy taking his Boards so I didn't expect to see him. By that night he sent me a text that said, "I am very busy next week, but I want to see you and work you into my schedule. What day works for you??"

I knew then that he was something worth exploring. On about our second date, he took the Love Language test and his LL is "quality time", so I know time is important to him. I was happy to see that me spending time with him is how he feels appreciated. We plan dates several days into the future and our dates tend to be long ones…I am happy because I know when I'm going to see him. He is happy to spend time together.

I am rearranging my very busy schedule to provide that time for him. I know it is important to him.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well if you are looking to take any blame here, it sounds like you date women who don't have much going on in their lives other than dating.

I was kind of like this with my ex and it drove him crazy, but his erratic unavailability actually exasperated it. It was very hard to make independent plans around him always wanting me to be flexible with his "busy" schedule.

Make sure you make concrete time commitments and honor them rather than saying "if" or "when" you are free. It is much easier for people to be independent in their uncoupled time when they know they are free to make other plans and have regular time set aside for their own hobbies and commitments.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have killed to have my XWS home by 6:00 every night for dinner. All you can be is honest and up front with her and there can be other ways to make her feel appreciated if you get too busy. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself here as it is the place you are in with your kids right now and as they get older time frees up though with a kid on the spectrum that will always have unique challenges that I hope she understands. Best of luck.


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

Posts: 390 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:57 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:57 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want someone to put the relationship in the top 3. That is part of what I tell guys I date…I am looking for a healthy, supportive relationship.

Hmmm. I find this interesting in that I think about where I put mine. I have kids, work and some of my own time (fitness time). And I have my relationship. At any time the order of those 4 can be switched around. I think some of this comes from a difference in time available/perception. I have two kids, both into things that tie up time on evenings/weekends. Since I have them two week nights and every other weekend, then that makes me somewhat unavailable. Weeknights especially. She has one son, almost in HS so that is a different life stage. She only has her son two weeknights and Fridays. So of course she has more free time.

You need to be equally as honest about what you are able to do and give. It is unfair to both of you if you can't find a happy medium.

This is where my struggle lies. I think I have been honest. Nothing has really changed in my schedule. As a matter of fact she was impressed early on about how much time I spent with my kids (her husband spent very little time with their son when they were married) and that I was actually home at a decent time. So she always knows I am free Wed night, Thurs night and every other weekend.

Let me add one more thing if I might. She just got back from a weekend retreat away for work. Out to Wyoming. It would of been our weekend together since I didn't have kids. She came back from that retreat in her current state of being unsure (for lack of a better description). So in this particular case it was her schedule not mine. I even volunteered to fly out and spend a few days on the back end of her trip if she wanted. But she said she would rather take a trip later. So I am fine with that.

She does state that she talks to her IC about it and it is her issue to deal with. Just history makes me think it is me.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:53 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think you sound very reasonably available. Busy until 6 every day? I mean--of course you are! Wanting to work out, to coach your kids--those are important. What I'm hearing isn't really that this is about you being too busy as much as it is that she is projecting her own past relationship history onto you. Show her that you are emotionally present and make her feel special when you do see her, and IMO she should be understanding that yeah, you have a life, and a four month relationship is only one part of it. Not dismissing her concerns, but not immediately blaming yourself either.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If everything in your post is as you say then I don't think you are doing anything wrong. You're a busy working Dad trying to stay health and is doing his best. If you are not avoiding this relationship on some level (and only you know that) I would say you have someone there that has some issues and you might need to ask yourself if these are issues you want to deal with. She sounds just a bit needy and controlling to me but what the hell do I know.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I would of thought it was her if it was the only person to tell me that. But this is person number 3 so it just concerned me that it might be me.

I'm in a dilema zone right now because she is in this unsure state and I'm kind of sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out. I offer up all my usual time to her and if she wants to talk about it I certainly will. But it seems she has pushed back and that is not usually a good sign. I don't want to bug her if she needs time to think. I don't want it to appear like I am ignoring her either. Very uncomfortable right now.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Dad, Here is something I found out and since I have, my life is sooooo much better. Most of my relationship problems were in fact caused by me and most of those problems were because of who I chose to have relationships with...make sense? You sound like a good man to me...choose well my friend.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say most evenings you are home by 5:30 or 6:00...are you really? You appear to coach year round, including a part time job. You have your kids too and you are working out. What is your schedule really like because I find it hard to believe you do all of this and still manage to be home by 6 routinely. Are your weekends away in Feb your weekends with the kids? Or, are you gone and then the next weekend you are with your kids? Perhaps you hit an especially busy time and that has triggered her?

Have you ever mapped out your schedule on a calendar? You know...sometimes we think one thing but once we put it on paper we see something different. From what you described, it really doesn't seem like you have a lot of time to devote to anybody and if a few women have brought this up, then maybe there is a bit of truth to what they are saying.


Sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain.

Posts: 13832 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say most evenings you are home by 5:30 or 6:00...are you really? You appear to coach year round, including a part time job. You have your kids too and you are working out. What is your schedule really like because I find it hard to believe you do all of this and still manage to be home by 6 routinely. Are your weekends away in Feb your weekends with the kids? Or, are you gone and then the next weekend you are with your kids? Perhaps you hit an especially busy time and that has triggered her?
Have you ever mapped out your schedule on a calendar? You know...sometimes we think one thing but once we put it on paper we see something different. From what you described, it really doesn't seem like you have a lot of time to devote to anybody and if a few women have brought this up, then maybe there is a bit of truth to what they are saying.

I can quote exactly my schedule:

Monday pick up kids after school care between 4:30 and 5:30
Tuesday pick up kids from sitter by 6, noow at 4:30 because of guitar lessons and soccer practice
Wednesday - If I work out it is from 5-6 class.
Thursday - Same as Wed. Last 5 weeks I have been taking her to ballroom dance classes at 5:30 so I don't work out those evenings.
Saturday morning are soccer games for my youngest. Soccer ends for the Spring in a few weeks. I teach two kids crossfit classes at 4PM on Wed and Fri. I make up work hours on my nights that she is not free if needed.

My Feb schedule is post season coaching for a high school wrestling team. Tournaments. Which are long days. It is 4 weekends (depends on how they do advancing of course).

My Mon-Fri schedule is pretty typical.

I'm just trying to figure all this out. We'll see what goes down over the next few days.

asurvivor - I hear you.

I don't want to it appear like I am trying to defend my position in any way. I'm trying to figure out if this is really her like she claims, is it me like I begin to wonder or is it indeed a non-compatibility issue. We are super compatible with most everything and this was not an issue until recently. So that is the reason I was looking for input.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 3:11 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay can I please post one more thing. Thanks you guys are the best. Okay I don't get it or maybe I'm just clueless. So here is what I see today. Let me preface this by saying I think it's really nice she did this and I have a lot of respect for those who help others. With that said:

She posts on FB today that she went out to get lunch (she works from home btw) and saw a homeless guy in the median. Parked, walked up to him and invited him to lunch. Got his whole life story as a Vietnam vet, lost his son in 9-11 tragedy. She gave him the only $10 in her wallet. She then went to the store and on her way out he handed her flowers and said it was one of the nicest gestures he had seen in a long time. Very touching story. She has a really sweet heart. Maybe not so smart inviting strange men to lunch. But a very nice gesture none the less. She has a deep rooted faith so this does not surprise me at all. As I stated I have a lot of respect for her for these types of actions.

Now with that story. I picked her up from the airport last night late when she got in from Wyoming. She said she was tired and asked if it was okay if we didn't stay together which I said was fine. I took her to her house, carried her luggage in and kissed her good night. My texts from her today were a bit chilly or far away and then I got the email stating she felt she was not being placed high on my priority list. Again she also said it was her and her past relationships and that my lack of time was not the same as her ex husbands.

But when I read her post, I just thought "you don't get to see me enough, I saw you for maybe an hour after your trip last night, and you spent lunch with a homeless guy. You spent more time with a homeless guy than me". Just my thoughts. Don't be angry with me. Again nice gesture by her. But I feel a little put off when she could of easily spent her lunch time with me.

BTW I forgot to add that. I often go to her place and have lunch about once a week. Ties up about 2 hours of my day to drive over there have lunch and drive back. But I'm willing to do that, I really don't mind.

Sorry just rambling now. I'm out. Gotta go get my kids. Thanks for all the input. You guys/ladies are always great.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
AnnieOakley
♀ Member
Member # 13332
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want someone to put the relationship in the top 3. That is part of what I tell guys I date…I am looking for a healthy, supportive relationship
.

I have to agree with ^^^^.

I am somewhat struggling with this in my current situation...of being a priority. He has kids, networking, works out, social friends, busy job that sometimes requires working at home in the evenings, etc. etc. I've heard the phrase "if someone is always too busy...they are likely just too busy for you". Or something to that sort.

I keep busy myself, but I don't need to fill every waking moment with stuff.

I've attempted to impress upon my SO that it is different. We are not living together and therefore do not have the evenings/mornings to connect emotionally, mentally, or physically.

I tend to support the mantra, if a relationship is important...than make it a priority. Not 4th, 5th, or 6th on the list. With the caveat that sometimes priorities shift. But I will not be satisfied with being low on the list every time.

And yes...if you keep hearing the same thing over/over...then maybe it is something to seriously considering making adjustments to. How many more times/more women would you like to have this convo with? (Which is the ? that I have asked of my SO).

Good luck.


Me= BS, 50
Him=WH, 51
M=23+,T=26+
dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: West
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my thoughts after skimming the posts. Have you thought that it isn't you? That the women you are with need a ton of attention because they don't have interests and friends to fill the time. They aren't looking for a relationship, they are looking for attention. You have a reasonable schedule, you are taking care of your children, yourself and your obligations. You are available at a decent hour and I am sure that you could set up a dedicated date night. Keep looking for the balance, you'll find it


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I've got to say one more thing. You are NOT necessarily the problem, your choices MAY be. If you are in a new relationship and she is already trying to change you...that sounds like the problem. Maybe your issue is you are choosing the SAME KIND of woman and if you are, you could date 100 of them and they will probably give you a variation of the same. So, if you like who you are, choose someone who can accept who you are because that's the best you will be. Man, did that sound like an Army recruitment ad or what.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the email stating she felt she was not being placed high on my priority list. Again she also said it was her and her past relationships and that my lack of time was not the same as her ex husbands.

In other words, "it's not you, it's me." Does she keep telling you this so you can help her find a solution, or is she trying to come up with a way to end things because she is realizing she brought more baggage into the relationship than she can handle?

Your schedule sounds pretty fixed and reasonable. Ask her how you can help her work through this and find a solution together. There isn't much you can do if she doesn't want to work on it.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They aren't looking for a relationship, they are looking for attention.

After I thought about this ^^^^ really struck me. I think this was the problem with my ex, he needed HUGE amounts of attention. He was a public speaker, very high profile job, constant photos on FB.

What I gave him wasn't enough. It still isn't. He still uses Twitter, FB, blah blah blah and spouts off about himself constantly. He also mentions all of the "selfless" things he does, and it feels like needing constant ego stroking. I saw him this weekend and he kept telling me about some professional something yadda something looking for me to be impressed. I finally said, "Congrats." so he would leave me alone. I no longer care.

Do you feel like you aren't enough for her? Maybe it really isn't about your schedule, or her perception of your schedule. Maybe she just needs external attention and validation (or more than you can provide)…and that is something internal on her end. Not yours. Maybe you keep going after the same kinda woman, one who requires a ton of external validation.

One of the things I like about current guy is that he requires no external validation. He hasn't logged onto FB in 4 years, and this man has things to brag about…and just doesn't. It is very refreshing.



me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.