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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It's Me Isn't it (Denial is not really a river)
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were dating a divorced dad with two children who had the responsibilities of a job and parental duties, I would never expect to be at the top of his list and a top priority. I would hope his family came first. But that's just me. It's where you are in your life and there will come a time when your children are grown and you have a lot of free time for dating and relationships. There must be women who understand this. I'm one of them but I understand it from your point of view. I would see this as an asset rather than a fault.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7485 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cmego - Certainly has merit. Although I truly thought this one was different. She presented herself as someone who could make it on their own but was looking for someone she could spend time with. Now I'm not so sure. The need for validation may be a good point. Although any time she posted up things on FB I would like them or make a comment that was appropriate for the content. So I think that was me validating her.

We will see what the rest of the week brings. At this point it is what it is. If it goes south I'm sure I'll be posting up here again.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 594 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Playing devil's advocate here, you have a very busy schedule. Do you truly give her 100% of you when you actually get to spend time with her, or are you dog tired?

You mention that she has your attention when you go out 'except for texts and calls from your kids'. Does that happen often? Do the calls last a long time or are the texts numerous?

Your post sounds a little long-suffering too. Do your project this on the relationship?

If any of this is true, perhaps it's time to pull back on some extracurricular activities if you really want an SO.

If none of these things come into play, you're probably just with the wrong person. Maybe any person is going to be the wrong person at this point in your busy life.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20457 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with miadianna. I often joke with a GF of mine that I'm not sure I could ever date because where would I find the time? I am the primary custodian of my three kids, so I have every Wednesday evening off while they're overnighting at Dopey's house, and then I have every other weekend. I can see how a guy might feel like that's very little time for him, but that's how it would have to be for a while before I let him meet my kids.

Your GF knew what she was getting into. I'm sure you were aboveboard about your schedule. It's not like you had tons of time with her at first and then started adding all of these new activities. If you want to adjust your schedule because you want to spend more time with her, that's one thing, but don't let her pressure you into it if you like the way your life is.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3645 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Mia.
So long as you are making an honest effort to see your GF when you have time available and are willing to commit to dates (as opposed to the non-committal I *might* have time on Thurs. I'll call you.), then I think she's being unreasonable.

Isn't she the one who was just gone on one of *your* weekends? You offered to go and meet her and she said no. That's on her.

Your kids come first. Always. (unless they are being manipulative about needing you because they don't want to *share* -- which is for a whole other post.....)
Coaching is important to you and has been for a long time. It is also important to the kids playing the sport. From what you've posted about it, you don't seem like a guy who is living/breathing the *sport* 24/7. You seem like a decent guy who is a good role model -- another *bonus* for the kids you're coaching.

And something else I don't *get* about your GF ---- she keeps bringing this issue up with you and then saying that it isn't *your* issue, it's hers. Jeez Louise, if she recognizes that this is *her* issue, then why in the heck doesn't she work it out on her own instead of dumping it in your lap?

You have told her that you are a busy guy because of your other commitments. So long as you are making honest efforts to spend time with her and the time that you spend together is *quality* time, then I really don't think it's you (other than maybe you *pick* the wrong women).


And PS. Your exW's opinion doesn't *count* in my book. She was complaining....but you were spending time with your kids. Who complains about a dad spending time with his kids?? It's not like you were leaving her home with the kids so that you could go hang out with your buddies and do *guy shit*. Instead of bitching about the time you spent coaching, she could have joined you and gotten involved too.....even if it was just bringing cookies at the end of practice or rooting the team on during tournaments.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But this is person number 3 so it just concerned me that it might be me.

It may be you, but not in the way you're asking about. It could be that your picker is focusing on the same type of women, and something about these women make them a bit more needy when it comes to how much time they expect you to spend with them.

For some reason, I'm wondering if you're attracted to, and attracting, co-dependent women. Once they started thinking in terms of a serious relationship, they would start having that need of wanting to be joined at the hip, or else they don't feel like you're spending enough time with them. Just a thought.

[This message edited by inconnu at 9:16 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12172 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is definitely something very attention seeking to me in her posting that story about the homeless vet. To the point where I question it's true even! You are right to feel that this does not jibe with her not spending much time with you after her trip. Which took HER away--nothing about your availability there at all.

Please don't let other people's words make you doubt yourself. You are a great dad and you obviously care about this woman, who is not even being constructive about finding a solution to a very, very common and to be expected scheduling issue.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good lord, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have arrived home from work before 6 in the last year. My SO is the same, minimum 10 hours a day at work. We both volunteer, play sports and have friends. The issue is not so much the amount of time that we have together but how we spend the time together that we do have. Is your missus your focus when you are together? Because if the time is limited and you are constantly texting or dealing with other issue then, I can see her being bothered.


divorced!

Posts: 2737 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cmego - Certainly has merit. Although I truly thought this one was different. She presented herself as someone who could make it on their own but was looking for someone she could spend time with. Now I'm not so sure. The need for validation may be a good point. Although any time she posted up things on FB I would like them or make a comment that was appropriate for the content. So I think that was me validating her.

OK…you are validating her on FB, but how many other people are also validating her?

As Better4Me has pounded into my head the first 3 months are about discovery. People have to unfold and relax into who they are.



me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is definitely something very attention seeking to me in her posting that story about the homeless vet. To the point where I question it's true even!

I think so too!!

Why is she such a drama queen?
Oddly enough, I went on one date with a guy who works in a very urban area of my city and he told me sometimes he takes homeless people to lunch. I almost threw up in my mouth a little. It does seem very applause-seeking. Why not just give them a few dollars? Why the mad scramble to be special?

The part where he presents her with flowers is just

It's weird to me that she would post it on facebook. It's weird that she would tell you that you're too busy, but wait, she knows it's her own baggage. So which is it? And if she knows it's her own baggage why she even bugging you with it? If she needs a therapist to deal with this relationship, that can't be your job.

Do you tend to be attracted to high-drama, fun, exciting-type women?


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Artemisia
♀ Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an interesting thread!

DTC, it's hard to know what is what, but I know you will figure it out. I strongly agree with the folks above that this could be less about your so-called fault than about who you pick and how they match.

I say that because I for one would have loved it if my ex had a busier life. I wonder what life would have been like if he wanted to work hard professionally, work out, spend time with loved ones, with and without me. Instead he gave our relationship this all-encompassing laser-like focus and all of his time until he broke it under the pressure. Three cheers for living your own life the way you want to live it! If you want to date, find somebody who loves that about you.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Dadtryingtocope
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of good thoughts here. Things are a little better today and obviously some things to talk through to see where we end up.

Interesting question by absolut and other on type of woman I attract or am attracted to. Obviously my ex was an attention seeker. The woman I date now I didn't think so but now I'm rethinking that.

What I am attracted to. My initial attraction is always physical features as it is for many men. I like a woman with long hair. If she has an active lifestyle I like that too (since I do). Nice eyes nice smile. She has to like kids of course. I like intelligence as well. She doesn't have to have a college degree or anything. After that it comes down to interests for me. Music, vacation spots, outdoor activities, TV shows, food types. I think the same types of things many people discuss to see if they have a connection. She doesn't have to cook, clean, bake, etc. I'm happy to share in those types of responsibilities.

About the only thing I could cut back on is my personal work out time. But my CrossFit time is something I cherish for me. I'm happy to volunteer my time to teaching kids. It's so rewarding. My CrossFit time is for me. If you are familiar with it you will understand. It's a community like no other. It literally saved my life when I was in one of my darkest times. Now I can't imagine time without it. So while it is the one thing that I could give up to make more time (and not impact others), I can't imagine giving it up.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 594 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a relationship is pushing you to give up something that matters to you greatly (such as crossfit in this instance), especially a new relationship, I think by far the healthiest thing is to stand firm in not giving up something that matters to you. It seems entirely reasonable for you to have an important thing going on in your life that is all about you, not about anyone else. Someone out there will appreciate it if this woman doesn't. While you can try to reassure her if she worries based on her past experience, a really secure person would have no issue with this; and you deserve a really secure person!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to have to agree that is isn't YOU. But it IS your picker. You are picking the same woman over and over.

I read somewhere that going through a dysfunction relationship, the dysfunction feels normal. Feels good. The healthy feels bad, feels "too easy".

Examine your picker, my dear.

She's too much drama this early on.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
Weatherly
♀ Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to have to agree that is isn't YOU. But it IS your picker. You are picking the same woman over and over.

Count me in as another who agrees with this.

It isn't you. Ok, so you are busy. I would love my husband to be home every night around 6. Hell, I'd like him home during the week sometimes. But, he isn't, and we work around it.

It sounds like she wants a lot of attention, maybe she thought she could give up some to be with you. Maybe she thought you'd obviously want to spend every moment of every day with her and give up things on your own, and when you didn't, she got irritated.

If you want to adjust your schedule because you want to spend more time with her, that's one thing, but don't let her pressure you into it if you like the way your life is.

You're dating, seeing if you want this relationship to go anywhere. If she has is upset about this at 4 months in, and you don't want to change anything, it probably isn't going to get better.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4502 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the help I can offer...When my H had his A 25 years ago, our boys were 10 & 5. ( I just found out about it 8 mos. ago!) YES! I was totally oblivious! Anyway...this was ONE of our major problems in the M! I was SO involved with our boys that he felt left out (his work schedule then did not allow for him to help with a lot of their activities) plus the fact that we were having marital issues and this is how I coped! I put all of my time and energy into our boys! It was a HUGE problem! Your situation is a bit different though, you are divorced. Just wanted to mention this, for some "food for thought". Best of luck to you from a BS!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's good that as your marriage ended and you've entered another relationship, to evaluate your role in those relationships. I think that's healthy. I know that post divorce, I've certainly processed my role in the marriage and as a result am a very different person now in my present relationship of over 2 years.

One of the things I love most about my significant other is what a caring and involved parent he is to his children. I see that as a positive attribute for all the other aspects of his life, as well as our relationship.

Not only does he have children still at home, but we both have demanding careers, elderly parents and homes to maintain. I also think it's positive and healthy for each person to have other friends and activities, including self care in order to make them a well rounded person.

I agree with the others, that it's not the quantity of the time spent together, but rather the quality.


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is another viewpoint to look at this from. Your GF has one DS in high school. You have two kids, the youngest in elementary. I have three kids spanning elementary to high school and I can tell you that it is very different parenting my highschooler than it is my elementary schooler.

Elementary, and even junior high age, takes a lot of time and attention. As a good Dad, you are giving this to your kids. You have sports practices, parent-teacher conferences, driving them to lessons and friends houses, birthday parties, field trips, you name it. Kids at this age can consume your life. Only toddlers and infants demand more attention.

My High Schooler is very independent. I wouldn't see her if I didn't make her join the family at dinner time. She also just got her driving license, so my 'quality time' with her driving to and fro is gone. To top it off, most of the time we do spend together is spent visiting or discussing colleges she wants to go to.

I imagine your GF is realizing that her DS is trying out his wings and will be leaving the nest soon. She's probably wondering what she'll do with her time and energy. Maybe even re-evaluating her life's direction. This is much more her issue than it is yours.

To me it just sounds like you are at much different stages in your lives. Hopefully you can both find a way to make it work.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1979 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 38
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