if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?
I don't think a BS is being irrational if A is a dealbreaker even if WS does everything right. Only you can know if it's a dealbreaker or not. There are many posters here who tried to R but ultimately decided they couldn't do it. Think very hard about it and make the choice that right FOR YOU no matter what your WS is doing.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Reconciliation is a gift you give your cheating spouse.
I'm a cheap-ass and chose not to gift my ex with it.
Separated March 2014
There's no law that says you have to reconcile with a cheater - whether they're doing all the 'right' things after D Day or not
There's also no law that says a decision to reconcile has to last for life. I made my decision to reconcile THREE DAYS after DDay. That's just crazy. I had no idea what I was saying yes to, and was just acting out of fear. It was three months after that when I decided that I was the only one working on our marriage.
But even if she HAD been doing what she was supposed to, who the hell cares? She changed her mind about our wedding vows, so I'm allowed to change my mind about reconciliation. I would have no problem with that.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
I will be feeling pretty good about our chances of R, then I'll see something like this -
"God didn't give you the strength to get back on your feet so that you could run back to the same thing that knocked you down."
- and it makes me (even though I'm not extremely religious) go "hmmm". I've managed this before! This time just keeps feeling deal breaker-y.
Latest DD - April 2013, PA
I never got the chance to decide. My ex-w, responding to me asking her to give up OM and work on our marriage and family was met with a simple 'I can't do that right now'. I filed later that day.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I guess divorce used to be frowned upon in culture? But I don't think the norm is that you have to put up with it anymore.. As an example, Hillary has stayed with Bill, but would anyone have blamed her for leaving?
I actually find myself cheering when I hear of a celebrity who dumps a cheating spouse.. No matter how sorry he/she was..
For me, I want to be Cinderella, and Prince Charming never cheated on Cinderella. There was no more "Happily Ever After" for me.. Soooo, dealbreaker..
So my question today (which is hypothetical because it does not reflect my WS's actions) is, if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?
Sometimes it IS a deal breaker. There is nothing irrational about it. We feel what we feel, and we choose what to do about those feelings.
FWIW, I decided to NOT do anything definitive about the marriage for at least one year, to make no big decisions for that year, and to continue with IC and MC.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
I don't think wh affair is(was or could be) the deal breaker. It's the lying afterwards that is sticking in my brain.
I decided to stay for the kids. But once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate.
We are 3 years out now, 3 1/2 more to go.
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a cheater?
WH has a lot more work to do in order for me to stay when our last child leaves the nest.
If I were making the decision today, I don't think I would stay.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 5:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
I do however feel that for the BS the state of the marriage before dday has a lot to do with if they stay. Plus how the WS acts after dday. I think there are a lot of variables that make each situation unique. Our councillor believes we have a good chance at making it because of what she says is our capabilities of emotional maturity and the love we have for one another. (WH has always said he was happy in our marriage and believes he had no intention of leaving it) I can't stay for my son, I've been the child in that situation and it is really quite devastating, I have to stay for me. In saying that he only has one shot at it and then it really would be a deal breaker!
If there were no children involved absolutely adultery is a dealbreaker... thou shall not in my book so the marriage is dead
Now I do not see myself growing old with my H as when I first married him in 1997
For me, if/when confirmation of an OC(why won't she agree to get the dang DNA test?) on top of his FOO issues and I have one hell of a climb to reach true and lasting R
right now I believe we are worth it, but I am not one to throw pearls after swine... so only time will tell for me as I am only 4 months in and so very much riding the roller coaster
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years