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User Topic: He Was About to be a Kisa! Really?
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WH approached me last night to let me know that a couple of guys at his work (a father/son team) asked him to intervene with them on "talking" to their sister/daughter's ex boyfriend because he was bothering her. WH is a big guy, and stupid people who can't handle their own problems have often used him for similar issues. IMO, he gets flattered when people think he is the only one who can deal with things, when really it is just using.

So he brings this up to me, going on and on about this ex boyfriend and how dad/son haven't been able to get him to leave her alone and how the dad said he hadn't taught his sons to be tough and they weren't good at handling this type of thing. All flattery. Also, he always has an angle of "I know they'd have my back if I needed them".

My blood was boiling. WH asked me what I thought. I think he honestly thought I would be supportive of him backing up his friends in the protection of their daughter/sister, and at the same time gaining some sort of "have my back" credit in the future. I mean sounds noble, right?

I said "well, I'm sure the little damsel in distress will be sooooo grateful to have a big, strong man come to her rescue, along with daddy, and two brothers". He actually looked surprised?? And immediately told me no she wasn't anything to look at, etc etc.

He said "okay, that's why I wanted to tell you about it". I said really??? Wanna know what I think? I think if some dingbat went out with a guy for 2 years, first of all, you don't know the whole story. Did they call the police on this guy? File a restraining order? Let me guess...no? So, she is probably wrapped up in some dysfunctional dance with this guy by her own choice, they know they can't call the cops. THEY are the ones sick of it, and probably sick of her shit with this guy as well. AND, in order to not take responsibility, she probably plays the victim with her family when it comes to her bf.

I said as a woman, I am NOT okay with you going to the rescue of another woman for ANY reason, unless your mom is drowning in lava or your sister is stuck in a wood cutter! But as a PERSON this sounds like a stupid plan, and a damn good way to get in trouble! So....THINK!!!! USE YOUR BRAIN!!!!

Anyway, he agreed, said I was right, said he just thought it was the right thing to do for his friends, yada yada yada.

I am not worried he's messing around with daughter/sister, I don't really think he's messing around with anyone. But to me it goes back to a tendancy to be a KISA, ironically even if it's at the request of other males. But I don't know whether to be glad he talked to me about this? Or pissed he even thought about it in the first place? Sometimes I really just want to slap him, because I think sometimes I really do OVERestimate his ability to see things as a stupid ass idea!! Lately, I have just being responding strongly with this..."THINK! JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID!" and walking off, and strangely enough it's sort of effective.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 10:14 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband is in his 40s and this whole thing sounded like a good idea to him?

This whole dramatic story sounds like middle school bullshit. "My sons and I want this guy to stop messing with her but we're too wimpy to handle it so we'll ask a big guy to step in." What happens if the guy says "Screw you." to your husband? Does he then have to kick his ass? I can only think of about 100 ways that your husband involving himself in this crap can go wrong. Your husband really needs to work on his critical thinking skills.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4276 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And immediately told me no she wasn't anything to look at, etc etc.
Yeah, like this matters.

Wanna know what I think? I think if some dingbat went out with a guy for 2 years, first of all, you don't know the whole story. Did they call the police on this guy? File a restraining order? Let me guess...no? So, she is probably wrapped up in some dysfunctional dance with this guy by her own choice, they know they can't call the cops. THEY are the ones sick of it, and probably sick of her shit with this guy as well. AND, in order to not take responsibility, she probably plays the victim with her family when it comes to her bf.
Dang, girl, you're SMART and cut right to the chase!

I said as a woman, I am NOT okay with you going to the rescue of another woman for ANY reason, unless your mom is drowning in lava or your sister is stuck in a wood cutter!
Well said!

THINK!!!! USE YOUR BRAIN!!!!
Oh goodness, if only WH did this consistently in the past! For decades, including the years during his secret A, I would always ask him to THINK (and BE THOUGHTFUL) and then everything else would follow. Of course, I meant for him to think and be thoughtful to me, and around the house. He's had a wake up call after DDay#2, and knows I will no longer put up with his shit. Guess who is now thinking and being thoughtful? Yes, that would be WH. I guess he could always do it, but never felt he had to, which irks me.

Don't you feel like Jiminy Cricket sometimes??


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How in the world did this seem like a good idea to him? KISA tendencies aside, how exactly did he think this was going to go down? He was going to stand in the background looking big and menacing while the brother and dad threatened someone? And if a punch were thrown? Was he really willing to get arrested for these dingbats?

It infutiates me how short-sighted many WS's are!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1199 | Registered: Jul 2012
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

going on and on about this ex boyfriend and how dad/son haven't been able to get him to leave her alone and how the dad said he hadn't taught his sons to be tough and they weren't good at handling this type of thing.

So.. this guy stood there and insulted himself and his sons that casually, and then asked your H to come rescue his daughter?

Call me crazy but that sounds like embellishment. I mean I can't remember a situation where a guy would go out of his way to emasculate himself like that when it didn't involve some kind of fetish sex or psychiatric issue. Either way he was piling up a bullshit mountain for some reason or he was excited to throw in somewhere near the Tinfoil Hat level of crazy.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 3:35 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7583 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 20th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OOTD - My dear you have found your voice!!!
Congratulations. This is a big part of healing. When you can say what you are thinking and feeling in an effective manner without worrying about WS's response.

Stand tall, be proud.

Now your WS, he needs to examine why he allows himself to go along with stuff like this, and why he even thought it was an acceptable plan.
Help him work through it. It will hopefully open his eyes, and help him to understand himself a bit more. And thus less likely to happen again.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Middle schoolish...egg-zactly.

And-

So, as some of you may know, unbeknownst to him I have his fb pw and 4 months ago I refriended howorker (I made him block her last summer). He rarely uses fb, so I wanted to see if she tried to communicate with him and whether I could glean any info as to who baby daddy of this OC was (being afraid there was a possibility WH had an A with her). Don't forget she was definitely also having an A with another married man.

Anyway, I have seen no attempt at communication or indication of who baby daddy is. So I have not gained too much knowledge. This morning WH told me he saw howorker's name in that "people who live in your hometown" thing, said didn't you block her from my fb?? SAid he didn't want her on there and didn't want her seeing his timeline. wondered how she was even popping up (I had made sure to unfollow her from there so her stuff wouldn't constantly be showing up in his newfeed and tip him off). I played it cool, said she probably had to get a new fb account because she has so many enemies And he dropped it.

I knew something like this would eventually happen.

I brought it up with him later this evening again, after debating with myself...block her again quietly? Make him reblock her even though he didn't refriend her? Etc. I asked him what was on her fb page. He said he didn't click on her name. I wanted to know if he looked at her page when he saw her name. For some reason this was important for me to know. Just saying her name makes me annoyed and irritated. I was trying to not accuse, but...I asked a few more questions, he eventually got tired oft alking about it. I have to admit I got annoyed and defensive, we kind of argued. He shuts down during arguments, turns away, this causes me to get madder. Push pull. I said if you loved me you'd show me right now, he said I don't even know what your talking about. I said to basically do the opposite of what you are doing right now. He said "what do you want me to do? Get up and do jumping jacks for you??"

I said yes get up and do jumping jacks for me. If that's the way you need to physically "show" you care for me then do it.

He told me I was crazy.

I said I'm serious if you love me get up and do jumping jacks.

It all came down to freaking jumping jacks. So imagine a 6'4 300lb guy with a beer gut doing jumping jacks naked in the bedroom (he had been laying around cause it was hot). Well I know it's not real healing, but I have to say it did lighten the mood.

I finally said I was sorry because he did tell me she popped up and I was glad he told me, but that he should understand even hearing her name makes me want to puke and punch her in the ugly face.

Then, just a few minutes ago, I went on his fb, looked one more time at her page, all her friends, all the pages I had been checking. And I blocked her. No more. I can no longer access it and be subjected to her stupid idiotic face and life everyday. some of you may know what a big step this is. the head space, the obsessive need to check. This doesn't mean I don't still have a lot to figure out, or that he's innocent.

But...as I looked at her stuff for the last time, I really noticed how fake she is. EVERYTHING is about her AMAZING! BEAUTIFUL! kids/life/job/everything. How she LOVES being a mommy! Her carefully posed selfies that hide her snaggle teeth and her turkey neck (even though she's in her 20s) and her pancake butt and her flat chest and her toothpick legs and her man shoulders, so that everyone comments about how BEAUTIFUL! she is every single day. All her posts and likes on quotes about being there for everyone and what it means to be a real woman or a real man or make a relationship work Her bloviating and bragging everytime she gets some guy to fix her tire or do something for her. her "oh my goodness!" comments like she is a lady when she told everyone at my WH work stories about having dick in her face and hanging out in the office on her days off hoping to get picked up wearing glitter jeans with the top of her thong showing.

I hate her life, her trashy friends that are all like her and all their kids that they dont' seem to have within any type of relationship and all their bragging about what great mommies they all are and their arrogant posts about how to be a good mother, and their trashy acting drinking and partying and egos and narcissism. Her stupid friends and entire family who feed her pathetic need for constant attention and compliments and her bratty kids that she laughs and calls them "princesses" when I swear to god EVERY picture is them sticking their tongues out at the camera or stories about them being 'sassy' when really they seem to be ill behaved, disrespectful brats.

I'm done with her. I'm better, SO much better than her. As I looked through all her stuff for the last time, it dawned on me. I can't say I won't have moments of weakness. But her family is stupid. My family, the ones who were important to me anyway, were honest and generous and didn't make it a point to hurt people or talk trashy or act narcissistic or just be so DULL (I mean most of them). And to look at her ilk and not really be able to find any one who appears to act with any class or generousity or selflessness or simple kindness or intelligence. Oh I'll admit, they aren't the trashiest I've ever seen, they have enough money to have nice cars and Victorias Secret Pink sweatshirts and get their nails done and drink at bars. But that's about the extent of their depth. I will never, no many how many times I look, see them doing anything interesting, or extraordinary, or selfless, or thought provoking...

I'm better than her, I'm better than all her friends, I'm better than her family. There is no reason for ME to be interested in something like HER. Don't get me wrong, if I catch a whiff that she is anywhere in my universe, I will react accordingly. And I hope I'm still allowed to rant about her and others when the mood strikes! But there is nothing she can do for ME. She could sacrifice herself and her kids on the alter of innocence, and I still wouldn't believe her because nobody can ever trust a worm like her. She is useless to anything I could possibly need. No, correction: she is simply useless. I'm done with her.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, he agreed, said I was right, said he just thought it was the right thing to do for his friends, yada yada yada

Maybe they were going to pay him in magic beans.

I think you married one of my ex-boyfiends....

(((OOTD)))


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do OVERestimate his ability to see things as a stupid ass idea!

THINK!!!! USE YOUR BRAIN!!!!

Are you talking about my WH?


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 527 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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