We went through 6 weeks of HB when now all of a sudden he has trouble getting and sustaining an erection. I can only remember a couple of times in our 20 years where this has been a problem, once involving alcohol and the other was the one time I tried to initiate sex when he was in the midst of the PA.
He says it's because he feels guilty, and is bringing up memories of repressed CSA that he has revealed to me for the first time recently.
All I can think is that he no longer finds me sexually attractive. I weigh about 30kg's more than AP and I am older and have had 5 more children than her. Add to the fact that affair sex is always going to be more exciting than sex with someone you have been with for 20 years. How can I compete with that. My self esteem is already at its lowest it has ever been and now I feel liked don't even turn WH on anymore.
I guess I am asking if others have experienced this for reasons that WH has expressed, or could it be that she will always outdo me on this too. The thought of a marriage that isn't physical tears me apart. Sex was always a major part of our relationship and now I feel like that's just another thing she has taken from me
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
[This message edited by devasted30 at 6:51 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]
Also, remembering CSA is likely to be extremely traumatic, and that could really screw up sex. It's almost definitely not lack of attraction. Rather, if it's not the CSA, it's probably related to guilt and shame over having his A, as he says.
Also, a lot of WSes claim the A sex wasn't that great. When my W described what they did and the environment they did it in, I believe her. IMO, most As are pretty sordid, and mots aps aren't sexual geniuses.
I think it takes time and experience to learn about each other's ...um... hot buttons (although that could say more about me than about anyone else). (I have only one data point, though, so I could be wrong.)
It's not you. It's him. The fact that he's doing something about it sounds good.
The OW was opposite tho - she is 12 years older than me, CLEARLY looks older, and if she is thinner, you cant really tell.
I feel for you. Im in a similar boat.
My H had ED during the affair, and a few iffy spots in the month after, mainly due to guilt and performance anxiety. It cleared right up, and now our sex life honestly couldn't be better. (Well, it would be nicer if we didn't have a kid in the house, but you know what I mean.) So, it can happen. The CSA, the guilt, possible hypertension, these can all be factors.
IT IS NOT YOU.
I edit, therefore I am.
If it was after HB, I am guessing guilt caught up with him .
[This message edited by wonderpets at 11:36 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]